Help - Parenting Advice

lilRicki · July 2014

My son has Oppositional Defiant Disorder paired with high anxiety (and we're pretty sure that he's going to be diagnosed with bi-polar due to his manerism and behavior), we have chosen to deal with him behaviorally instead of medically, and it seems to be working. I don't know what's normal or not either lol I wish I did. But the OP's child sounds pretty normal. My kid goes from one extreme to the next and we've learned how to deal with it. He seems to be adjusting ok.

CJisinShape · July 2014

Ugh. All the labeling.

Kids are kids.

They will respond to kind and firm, assertive and consistent expectations from you.

Scenario: kid starts hollering, throws self on floor

What doesn't work: coddling talk (I'm sorry honey, it's ok), waiting out tantrums, etc.

What works: firm voice that they heard the last time they got in trouble (no nervous, embarrassed, pity poor you voice) and you tell them, "No. That is not acceptable behavior. You have to the count of three to get up and be quiet. 1."

Kids have to know that you love them enough to help them out of a meltdown. Kids have to respect you enough and know they can't walk all over you or manipulate you. At some point, talk to your kid, make sure something crazy isn't going on in his life. If all is well, tell him that in order to be good at being a grownup, he will have to learn how to turn the volume down on his emotions, that it's ok to be sad or angry, but it's not ok to throw a tantrum. And tell him you won't tolerate whining after he loses a game. Then don't tolerate it. If he starts the tears, tell him you will listen once he calms down and he better do that by the count of three. 1. 2. 3.

If he's still at it at three, send him to his room, and tell him to come out when he wants to behave. You do that consistently you will have a much easier time with him.

And pray for your child. You don't know what he has to deal with having a sensitive nature.

neandermagnon · July 2014

Really....? You think no kid has any neurological problems ever? :noway: (I'm assuming you're replying to the two posts above not the OP's post)

Good luck with that approach if you ever have a kid with a neurological problem... if you do, then you will probably change your tune pretty quickly, because you'd realise that these things are real and based in the child's brain wiring, not the result of parenting.

jonnyman41 · July 2014

seems pretty normal to me, one son did it, one didn't. Neither do it now they are adults lol. TBH we stopped this in the end by ignoring the crying when it was not over anything that should be upsetting. We were not harsh or anything, just did not respond to it in any way until he had stopped crying and then discussed.

Crying is a way of young babies getting parents to attend to their needs and is perfectly natural. Once children can vocalise they tend to ask for what they want with quite a few still clinging to the crying phase because it works!!!!!!! it gets them attention, whether positive or negative. Seriously when this happens again, unless you think something more serious is going on, just calmly tell your child that it is difficult to listen to them crying so ask them to come back to you when they have stopped and you will listen then. It works very very quickly as long as you stay constant and calm.

CJisinShape · July 2014

Kudos to you for not using powerful psychotropic drugs on your child's developing brain. And more, putting in the time and effort to improve his situation through consistently working on his behavior.

May I recommend something to you? An educator in the 1800's came up with an education method. A piece of her method is habit training. She said that habits form naturally. Good habits have to be trained. She likened habit training to laying rails down for a train to run smoothly over them. "Laying Down the Rails" or google Charlotte Mason habit training.

Again, thanks for your efforts you are putting into your child.

neandermagnon · July 2014

Not all neurological problems can be fixed with behavioural approaches. Believe me, if the above method really worked on all kids then there'd be no need for special schools, paediatricians that specialise in autistic spectrum disorder and so on. It would all have been cured in the 1800s.

I'm not saying that these approaches never work. Dyslexia and ADHD run in my family and my older daughter has inattentive ADHD. She's not on any medication, but some people with ADHD do need medication because the blood flow through their brain is abnormal and the medication corrects it. This is an established therapy based on peer reviewed research. My daughter does not have a severe case, so she does not need to be on any medication and the main thing she needs is to be taught in specific ways (e.g. synthetic phonics rather than the sight words method for spelling).

There are issues with overdiagnosis of some of these things, especially in kids who don't get enough time for free play because their parents micromanage their entire lives. But there are children who are helped by these medications. And it's not just ADHD. And really, unless you're qualified in a field that's relevent, e.g. child psychiatrist, educational psychologist, etc, you're not really qualified to tell anyone whether any child should or should not be on medication.

UsedToBeHusky · July 2014

Thank you!

Before my daughter was diagnosed with Asperger's, people were constantly telling me that my kid was acting up because I wasn't raising her right. Never mind that she is the second child and that her responses to discipline were completely different than the older kid. Never mind that when she raged, and got sent to her room, she would just continue to rage and tear the room apart. I just wasn't disciplining her right.

I really hate that so many people think that all children are the same and that they all process information the same way.

CJisinShape · July 2014

Not to any post in particular. I just don't like the labeling, medicating, and grouping of children that, in most cases do not serve the best interest of the child. If the child is atypical neurologically, he's going to be aware that he's different. The labels help the parents explain and understand the behaviors, but also serves to give the child an identity that he might not be able to live down. The ADHD kid will have different expectations from the teacher once she sees that label in his file.

The challenge for the parent AND the child is to minimize the behavioral problems that make them feel left out, and maximize the advantages that come with these issues. Silicone Valley has the largest concentration of autistic people in the US. Coincidence? James Earl Jones, that famous voice, was a stutterer.

Einstein is quoted as saying, "You don't judge a fish by the way he climbs a tree."

You don't judge a hyperactive child by his ability to sit still. But you still train them to do it, so they don't get in trouble, and take them to the track so their extraordinary energy can shine.

AsaThorsWoman · July 2014

Interesting thread!

I had no idea that was normal, but it seems it is!

Good luck with your family!

Never a boring moment with children at all.

:-)

ETA: Also, I've never raised a boy, just one girl. So I wouldn't know.

Take it from the ladies that know!

justcat206 · July 2014

How are his sleeping and eating habits. Does he get plenty of sleep? Does he eat much sugar or show any other signs of food sensitivity? I only ask because my son who's almost 7 cries very easily and has his share of meltdowns - during the school year. Since school's been out and he's been able to sleep in and I've made sure to monitor his sugar content better, he's been totally rational and calm (for the most part).

CJisinShape · July 2014

Applied behavioral therapy has far better outcomes than drug therapy. If a child is in a terrible place, and needs the medication, then the parent will have to look down the loooooooooooooooong list of health threatening side effects and choose what is needed. I think meds can work for short term behavioral crisis management, but the health risks for long term treatment seem extreme.

UsedToBeHusky · July 2014

For me, medication wasn't optional. I avoided it at all costs. But by the time my youngest was in 4th grade, I feared she would get arrested for her increasingly violent behaviors. As a person, I knew that my child has no desire to hurt people. She just could not manage her emotions. After trying EVERY behavioral approach out there, I finally resolved to give medication a chance. Guess what... it worked. Without meds, my daughter's life was quickly heading down the toilet. Now she has a real chance to achieve, succeed, and excel. I never understand why people always assume that meds were preferrable to other treatments, when most of the time, the reality is that other treatments failed. There is no one-fix cure for a child with neurological impairment. You can't teach it out of them, you can't beat it out of them. Sometimes, you just have to accept that their struggle is real, and work with them to deal with it.

The medication helps my daughter manage her anxiety so that she can learn to cope. It's not something we plan for her to be on forever. But it is there as part of her support system AND in combination with her behavioral therapy to help make her stronger.

CJisinShape · July 2014

You can be a fantastic, loving parent and your child still rages. I'm not judging your parenting skills. The issue at hand is methodology. Just as the poster spoke above regarding their child with dyslexia. Just because she has dyslexia, doesn't mean she cannot be an excellent reader. She will just have to work harder than kids that don't have it, and use a methodology that works the way her mind thinks.

Your Asperger's child has a steeper hill to climb to communicate their ideas, maintain focus, etc. Sometimes the raging is tied with the communication problems. They can't tell you they are frustrated because they can't find that toy or have a hard time dealing with all the overwhelming information coming in. But they can show it by raging. The usual methodologies that work with neurotypical children - spanking, lecturing, etc. might not work with your kid. But high expectations and the patience that only God can give go a long way. Best wishes.

CJisinShape · July 2014

I'm glad you were able to find something that works for your child. I think most parents want what is best for their children. I'm not very judgmental regarding parenting because 1. It's hard and 2. We are different, have different perspectives, circumstances and influences, and as such will make different choices. :flowerforyou:

neandermagnon · July 2014

I'm sure you're right about that in general - but each child is an individual and there are a whole lot of different conditions, and for some children, medication is a necessary part of treatment. Some children develop schizophrenia and all sorts of unpleasant and very serious conditions. It's the blanket statements I object to, and also the implication that a parent whose child's condition is managed with behaviour therapy is somehow a better parent than one whose child needs medication. I don't know if that was an intentional implication - but some kids have bad enough problems that medication is necessary as a long term treatment and behavioural approaches are not the best treatment for them. (or the child needs both the medication and the behavioural approach)

I do agree with some of what you're saying about special needs kids... I agree that some labels can cause problems as well as alert teachers to issues that the child has. I was diagnosed with dyslexia and inattentive ADHD at the age of 19 after leaving high school believing I was uneducatable (I later went on to get a 2:1 in human sciences BSC at university and I'm a total science enthusiast)........ labels are needed, at least for the time being, to help people understand what a child's problems are. No-one understood my problems at school, I was labelled as bright but lazy with an attitude problem when I was working my *kitten* off just to try and keep up with all the homework, and when I couldn't (because the sheer volume of work was overwhelming - I was having to work twice as hard just to keep up), I was berated for being lazy. I think when teachers generally understand a lot more about different neurology and brain wiring then a lot of these labels won't be necessary any more. But for now, they are, because it enables people to understand that a child is not lazy or stupid, but has different brain wiring and a different set of strengths and weaknesses. At university, after being labelled and helped by educational psychologists and the learning support department at university, I had an exponentially more positive experience of education. I did really well at university. Also the educational psychologist who diagnosed me said if I'd had the right help at the right time I'd have got straight A's and gone to Oxford or Cambridge. So IMO with things as they are, labelling has far more positive benefits than negative ones... but yes in a system where people understand far more about neurological diversity, I would hope that labels would become redundant and people could just go directly to explaining their specific strengths and weaknesses and no-one would call them lazy or stupid.

Galatea_Stone · July 2014

My 8 year old daughter Suckitup and my 4 year old daughter Buttercups both do this.

I just say their names over and over and over until they stop.

odusgolp · July 2014

Sleeping - He could use more, but... it's summer

He's staying up a bit later now than during the school year, and it's obvious if he gets tired! I should put him to bed a bit earlier... but... SUMMER! LOL

Food - Anyone will tell you my kid has an amazing diet. I seriously lucked out. He LOVES fruits, veggies... anything I cook for him really. We don't really have many sweets in our house simply because I don't like them. When I did buy him cookies, they ended up stale and in the garbage. I'm not opposed to cookies, per se, I just don't tend to buy them or make them because I don't like them.

My boy can tell you exactly how to make a white wine shrimp and fresh veggie stir fry... from making the shrimp, mincing the garlic, and cooking out the alcohol. He's a fine little chef in the making

odusgolp · July 2014

I soooo love their names *LOL*

mommyrunning · July 2014

My 6 year old daughter does this sometimes. I calmly and kindly remind her that she doesn't need to cry about it and that we only cry if something is hurting us or we are really sad. I will also ask her to take a breath then speak to me more calmly. I demonstrated to her how hard it is to understand someone who is crying by pretending to cry and talk to her at the same time. She laughed and got the point. If she's having a melt down I will tell her I am not going to talk to her until she calms down. Sometimes when she is craving more attention I notice she is more sensitive also.

CJisinShape · July 2014

There was no implication. I have a preference in the way children are handled. I think they are precious and our society's way of dealing with children that are in any way different from the norm in the middle leaves much to be desired. In general, our society marginalizes people by classist, racist, sexist, ageist, and in schools, by how well they sit, dress, melt into a crowd. I think certain methods work better for certain children, and they should know that they are loved. Parents are generally (i know you hate generalities) doing the best they can, so no judgment is needed. Just practical ways that work. And prayer works.

Help - Parenting Advice

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