I lost my father today.

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124

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  • abear007
    abear007 Posts: 84 Member
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    When I die I'm hoping people will throw a party to celebrate my life - it's been a pretty good one so far. I wouldn't want them to be overly depressed or sad and I suspect that many people would feel the same way about their own death. Sure, there will inevitably be some sad times, but I would ask, "Did your dad have a good life?" If the answer is yes - celebrate that! Did he at least have some good moments? Celebrate those! There's plenty of time for mourning the death of loved ones - it doesn't have to consume us. Leave some room for reflecting on, smiling and even laughing at the great moments you shared.
  • Sharon_C
    Sharon_C Posts: 2,132 Member
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    I am so, so sorry for your loss.

    I truly believe your father heard you. My husband was in a coma a few years ago and from the things he told me afterward leads me to believe that he was actually hearing me while in the coma.

    In the end your father heard you, I just know he did.
  • lessismoreohio
    lessismoreohio Posts: 910 Member
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    I'm sorry. God bless and keep you. Prayers to you and yours.
  • Chyll88
    Chyll88 Posts: 76 Member
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    My condolences and prayers are with you and your family. I too believe your father heard every word you spoke to him. The grieving process may be hard when it hits you but know that you did what you could do. Praying for peace and take care of yourself.
  • novalh42
    novalh42 Posts: 102 Member
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    Sorry for your loss. I pray that God will give you comfort in this hard time. I am blessed to still have all my parents so I won't pretend that I know what you are going through. I know it hurts to even try to imagine. I will be praying for you and your family and you need to lean on your friends and family and let them help you through this. God Bless!
  • wstrnboots
    wstrnboots Posts: 9
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    I am so sorry for your loss. I was thousands of miles away when my husband passed away four years ago. I know the amount of guilt that can come with not being there. The fact that you called to talk to him is amazing and you should take comfort in knowing that he heard you and you got the chance to talk to him. Grieving is an incredibly personal experience and no two people do it the same way so do what feels right for you. It sounds like you have a wonderful family who will love and support you through all of this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
  • beachgal0626
    beachgal0626 Posts: 1,910 Member
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    May God bless you and your family during this time -- hold onto your memories, they are yours forever. I truly believe he heard your words, and he was not really alone. Big hugs to you.
  • dlbredesen
    dlbredesen Posts: 122 Member
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    I am very sorry for your loss and the parent/child relationship that was never mended. Be kind to yourself and don't second guess what could/should have been done differently.
  • MichelleV1990
    MichelleV1990 Posts: 806 Member
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    I am so incredibly sorry for your loss! I have a similar non-relationship with my mother, only I was raised by her. Like you, I tried many times over the years to maintain a relationship, but she has made it impossible. She never called to let me know that her only brother died, and didn't let me know when my grandfather died, either. When I called to console her over the loss of her brother, we got into a huge argument, and she accused me of only calling because I want her money. That was about 2 years ago, and I vowed never to call her again. I did, however, call my sister after the death of our grandfather, and tell her how disappointed I was in her (my sister) for not calling me. She still has a relationship with our mother, and was probably doing her bidding. I haven't talked to her since Grandpa died.

    I know it's much easier said than done, but please try not to beat yourself up. I did for many years, and would reach out again and again, only to get kicked in the teeth for my efforts. Relationships are a two-way street. You know in your heart how much you loved your father, and I'm sure he did, too. You made efforts to draw close to him, and it didn't pan out the way you'd hoped; that's not all your fault.

    Please don't forget to take care of yourself....you are in my thoughts.
  • icanm
    icanm Posts: 33 Member
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    I am sorry you feel this way. It's natural for any good person with a good heart to go have mixed feelings. You should try talk to yourself about your feeling of guilt. It's not that you did not try to mend things with him. People become bitter and strange, and they are the only ones to help them out of it at times. I speak from a similar experience. I was on a guilt trip for about 3 years after my dad's death. I had delayed grief or something, and it started showing on my body and behavior.
    I did not cry when he died - I did not feel anything but guilty back then. And over time I realized that even if he was still here or I would have tried, he wouldn't have changed. And sometimes it's better to think like this for yourself.

    Also, like a few have suggested, please talk to someone you trust. Time is always a healer but get the negative feelings out of your system for yourself.
  • jenilla1
    jenilla1 Posts: 11,118 Member
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    I read your story and remembered a nurse who helped me through a very rough night. I have a very attentive family but they were all at home and asleep and she literally sat with me and brought other nurses in to ice me down and waited until my fever broke and I managed to fall asleep...................and it was hours. Thinking of your dad being alone like that I would suggest you pay that experience forward and help your future patients through their rough nights. Do it for your dad.

    Don't feel guilty, it was his behavior that caused the rift. Give yourself some credit for having a happy and healthy life and pass those lessons on.

    100% :heart:
  • gettingsexy94
    gettingsexy94 Posts: 156 Member
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    Incredibly sorry for you loss. Take care <3
    Sending you lots of love!
    xx
  • paperpudding
    paperpudding Posts: 9,005 Member
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    Thinking of you lemonsnowdrop :flowerforyou:

    Grief is very difficult and I understand the mixed feelings this must throw up following your difficult relationship with him.

    Take care of yourself. :flowerforyou:
  • bd0027
    bd0027 Posts: 1,053 Member
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    Bless your heart. I will keep you in my prayers.

    +1. <3
  • babbyb1
    babbyb1 Posts: 66 Member
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    I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you can find it in your heart to be able to forgive yourself and not beat yourself up for not being psychic. You had no idea that he was going to pass, much less like this.

    I have been there with divorced parents and bringing their children into the stupidity/baggage of THEIR relationship. The only thing that you can learn from this is what NOT to do with your own children. I am glad that you have been able to carry on with your life, find a man who loves you, and have a son that you cherish. Parents do NOT realize that when they drag their children into their baggage, they essentially tie their hands as to how to be decent adults in relationships and tend to think of themselves less than human as a result.

    Do not be bitter....bitterness is akin to wishing death on someone else and then taking the poison into your own body. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You got out of a toxic environment. Relationships go both ways. Don't beat yourself up for someone else's behavior.

    Know that I am praying for you. YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS. Please take care of you and yours.
  • SHOANA09
    SHOANA09 Posts: 2
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    So sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.
  • Gidzmo
    Gidzmo Posts: 904 Member
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    Hi, Lemon! Sorry to hear about your dad. I think he did hear what you had to say (although I do wish those who were there had told you sooner).

    Take the time you need to grieve, and be good to yourself. Remember that you are not responsible for any crazymaking your parents pulled. You tried to keep the line of communication open, only to be blamed for something you didn't do--so you took the prudent path and stepped back.
  • chunkyhoney78
    chunkyhoney78 Posts: 37 Member
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    I'm sorry for the loss of your father ((HUGS)) I know he heard you even when we are sleeping or out of it we can hear all around us. <3<3<3@--&gt;
  • greengoddess0123
    greengoddess0123 Posts: 417 Member
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    Oh honey, I'm so sorry. What a beautiful thing to have the nurse hold the phone to his ear. You are a brave and strong person. Thank you for sharing your story and your grief.

    I know you don't know me, but my heart is with you at this difficult time.
  • lemonsnowdrop
    lemonsnowdrop Posts: 1,298 Member
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    Thanks for all of the kind words, everyone. If you sent me a PM, I'll do my best to reply to it soon. I wish I could say I feel better today, but I don't. They aren't holding a funeral or service for him and are having him cremated, so I won't even be able to see him again.

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