how to deal with sister's body/food comments?

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  • bkthandler
    bkthandler Posts: 247 Member
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    She isn't going to change you need to find a way to deal with it....like a lot of other posters I have a similar situation with a sister and mom (my mother's favorite spectator sport is dieting...at least once a week she will ask me how much a celebrity weighs).

    It runs in the family....my grandmother once mentioned she saw one of cousins (we are not a close family...I might have been in a room with this person like 6 times in my life), I asked how she was? Apparently she was trying Weight Watchers and had lost weight, because that's all that matters.

    I don't engage, just ignore her and if pushed say, "I am doing my best...." find a mantra that works for you.

    Escalating will most likely turn into drama and you might end up with weeks of angry and tearful phone calls from half your family.
  • barsandbodegas
    barsandbodegas Posts: 4
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    I stopped tolerating that kind of behavior from family, and anyone else, a while ago. And it took me a long time to realize that I was allowed to stand up for myself.

    My sister and I have gone through periods where we don't speak for years. It seems as if she and I are on this path again. And I can honestly say that my life is better because of that. I don't deal with her negativity. I won't deal with it. Why? Because I don't have to let toxic people into my life.

    If my sister (or anyone for that matter) took it upon themselves to browse my closet, or even step foot into my bedroom without my permission, I would remind them who's home they are in and the boundaries that exist within the home.

    And I certainly wouldn't try to cater to her needs when it comes to cooking, unless she has some sort of explicit dietary needs. The second anyone comes into my home, and eats the food that I have put effort into preparing for them, and wants to nitpick about it... I would not hesitate to take their plate away from them. I would remind that person that they're in my house and if they don't like my rules, or my food... they shouldn't let the door hit them on the way out.

    But... that's just me :happy:
  • jennz81
    jennz81 Posts: 194 Member
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    I would revert our relationship back to where it was in 70s & 80s and react accordingly - maybe 30 seconds of oxygen deprivation with a pillow or put a heavy shoe in a pillow case and bonk her several times below the neck where it won't leave a visible bruise. Would she fit in the dryer?

    Lmao, this all day long!
  • Lesleycali
    Lesleycali Posts: 236 Member
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    I would revert our relationship back to where it was in 70s & 80s and react accordingly - maybe 30 seconds of oxygen deprivation with a pillow or put a heavy shoe in a pillow case and bonk her several times below the neck where it won't leave a visible bruise. Would she fit in the dryer?

    well, she might be older, but obviously I am much bigger and brawnier so yeah.....I can do this
  • sixtyinchesoffury
    sixtyinchesoffury Posts: 321 Member
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    My sister is amazing but I wonder sometimes if she has body image issues...which she loves to project on me. She is coming to visit me for over 2 weeks, and honestly I get tired of her comments. All the females from my mom's side are little, including me and my sister. She was more athletic growing up, where I was a bit softer. But still, we are small ladies and are within 5 lbs of the same size.

    When she visits she always makes comments like "oh I went through your closet to borrow some pants but they were falling off me." or "Lesley, you have a nice figure for a larger curvier girl." (I weigh 100 pounds, I don't think that can be considered larger!!!) She always comments about other people's sizes, too, relatives, friends, strangers it is so exhausting.

    But the real question is how do I deal with food when she visits? I cook a lot, and by most people's standards eat very well/ whole food/ lots of lean protein, veggies and fruits.. Whenever she visits she will make comments about the food I make and how rich it is, or how heavy it is and she asks how can I eat like that. This is when I serve roasted carrots and chicken, or pasta with broccoli, or a salad with grilled meat, you know fairly normal things. I'll make veggie salads and lighter things, too, but she she finds something to complain about then, the dressing is too creamy, I didn't buy lofat cheese etc...when I ask if I should buy her groceries to keep in my house she always insists no.

    There are a bunch of other relatives visiting this time too, who are all easy/ appreciate my cooking efforts, but I find my sister's needs tiring, especially when coupled with comments about how big my butt is.



    when dealing with people like this the only thing that brings me comfort is one of my favorite Buddhist teachings ....

    "how you treat me is your Karma, how I react is mine" :flowerforyou:

    unfortunately you can't change her but you can change how much it affects you.

    good luck :heart:

    Ang
  • Jeanne130LBS
    Jeanne130LBS Posts: 50 Member
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    Just have her read your post. If she doesn't get the hint don't give her a minute of your time worrying about her rude comments. 100 lbs and she thinks you are not small enough? Good God!
  • Sued0nim
    Sued0nim Posts: 17,456 Member
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    "You're being rude.

    Stay out of my closet.

    Eat what I cooked, without comment, or make your own."

    This ^^^^

    Or my favourite

    "Did you mean to be so rude?"
  • MyRummyHens
    MyRummyHens Posts: 141 Member
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    I have a similar sister, we no longer speak. The better I handled each situation the more venomous she got the next time until the relationship was un-repairable.

    Be true to yourself. If you find it mildly irritating and only have to put up with it occasionally it's going to take a much lower level of response than from someone who makes your life a misery on a frequent basis. You are her sister and not her personal verbal punch bag to let off steam at. Don't stand for it. You have choices, you can just walk away from her every time she starts up the nonsense so by the time she's got to the point of tell you your butt is bigger than her's your in a completely different room and out of ear shot. You can be more direct and ask her what on earth made her feel like she could go routing around in your closet. Or you can ask her why she feels the need to check who's butt is bigger? Perhaps suggesting she gets professional help. There really can't be much happening for her in life if commenting on the size of you is the highlight of her time there.

    As for the food, I'd wait for her to arrive, take her to the fridge, show her a cleared out shelf, point her in the direction of the local grocers and tell her how you know she struggles with your food so this trip she can shop, cook and feed herself, very sweetly of course!
  • jimmyalice1984
    jimmyalice1984 Posts: 171 Member
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    I have just read every single reply on this and I am so glad everyone has been supportive. I have a daughter who has an unhealthy obsession with her own weight and everyone else's, it has lead to many problems within her personal and work life, I have approached her many times on the subject, as she does project her personal issues onto others. I have been very direct with her and told her that making rude comments to family and friends and making people feel self conscious about their food choices when they are trying to tuck into a lovely cheesecake will continue to alienate her from her peers. This all falls on deaf ears and unfortunately the only way she will watch her tongue is if you give her a good telling off, and even after that she will eventually revert. But she is 28 and I can only hope that she will eventually develop a different mindset in this matter.
    Getting back to the OP, I have looked at your pictures and can only see a lovely healthy lady, and if you do have a bit of a butt then that means you are nice and slim and shapely - what is wrong with that? If she makes these critisms against you again tell her to bring enough clothes next time and the food thing goes without saying - get your own if you don't like my cooking. I really think you need to say something to her, you obviously love your sister and you should be looking forward to seeing her, not getting anxious about it.
  • redromad275
    redromad275 Posts: 884 Member
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    Kill with kindness. When she says your butt is big, agree with her. Tell her how you've noticed how her butt has stayed perfect, and you're ashamed that your butt won't fit into your favorite pants anymore. Look pathetic and ask for a hug.

    When she complains about the rich heavy food, agree with her. Tell her you're clueless in the kitchen, and you've always been envious of her cooking skills, and tomorrow if she doesn't mind, you'd like her help cooking.

    Lying is bad, I know :( but, aren't you curious what her next move would be? I know I am!
    best of luck



    LOVE IT!!!!!!! Anthony I'll make sure to keep you posted :devil:

    This is the exact wrong approach. Stop cowwing down. I'm not saying to resort to violence but by agreeing to what she says truth or not you are giving her the power. Take the power back.
  • StrongHealthyPowerful
    StrongHealthyPowerful Posts: 98 Member
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    I also have a hard time being direct at times. If I need to bring up something that is important to me or that is difficult to say, often I lose my words, get flustered, or just cry. I’ve definitely improved quite a bit as I’ve gotten older, but it’s still hard. One thing I’ve found can be helpful is to put all my thoughts into writing, and send a sensitively worded email, that can be followed up with a conversation. That way at least I’m able to communicate all of my talking points before my brain turns to mush and I start blubbering like an idiot. Haha. If you do send an email it’s important to read it back to yourself before you send it, making sure to take into consideration anything that could be misconstrued. This isn’t always the bravest choice, but it has helped me learn to address things. Maybe sending an email to her before the visit even starts?
  • Lesleycali
    Lesleycali Posts: 236 Member
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    I've read through everyone's replies and I thank you for all the ideas and support for speaking up. I really appreciate it! It can be easy to get caught in unhealthy patterns, especially with family, and it's good to step back and see how others view the situation. Thanks again :heart:
  • sbjmorgan
    sbjmorgan Posts: 158 Member
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    FYI, she sounds like she exhibits a few traits of narcissism/narcissistic personality disorder. There are lots of resources for how to deal with it on the internet. Good luck!
  • AnthonyThrashD
    AnthonyThrashD Posts: 306 Member
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    This is the exact wrong approach. Stop cowwing down. I'm not saying to resort to violence but by agreeing to what she says truth or not you are giving her the power. Take the power back.

    -the person with power, is the person with control
  • Elleinnz
    Elleinnz Posts: 1,661 Member
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    "You're being rude.

    Stay out of my closet.

    Eat what I cooked, without comment, or make your own."

    This ^^^^^

    Or as I said to my sister when she tried to criticise me "the right answer is Thank You!!"
  • ShirleyTonks
    ShirleyTonks Posts: 11
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    I've read a lot of the replies and was wondering if you could ring your sister and ask if she would be ok with helping out with the cooking for her and your other guests considering she is so much better at that than you. Just say that is a concern that you might not be able to do such as good a job as her and if she did it you wouldn't be so concerned. If she doesn't want to then tell her not to comment again.
  • CynthiasChoice
    CynthiasChoice Posts: 1,047 Member
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    I know what it's like to not want to confront a family member, especially if you don't see the person often and you're just trying to have a pleasant time together. But YOU'RE not having a pleasant time! If you can rise to the occasion and change the dynamic, both of you may end up happier.

    I've learned that the best way to change a relationship is to concentrate on becoming the best person YOU can be. Someone who never seeks to hurt or retaliate. Someone who refuses to feel intimidated. When you change yourself, the relationship automatically changes. The other person has to find new ways to respond to the new you.

    Maybe next time she says something hurtful, you could calmly, vulnerably ask "Are you trying to hurt my feelings?" Or "Are you trying to make me mad at you?" Or "Do you think you'd be annoyed if someone said that to you?"

    When she says insulting things about others you could say, "You know, I'd really like MY house to be a criticism free zone." Make a joke out of it next time she insults someone (or you!) and just smile and say "criticism free zone." or "CFZ!" as if you're playing a game. After you say it ten times, she'll realize what a big problem she has.

    And the next time you're cooking, call her to the kitchen, and if possible, separate her food out from the rest and say, "I really want you to be able to eat the way you want to, so here's some steamed beans, raw chicken, lettuce, etc. You can prepare it the way you like it. I know how important it is to you." If she insists that she'll eat the way you cook, and then complains about your preparation methods, you can say, "You can have it your way tomorrow. We'll have fun working in the kitchen together."

    Down deep, you both want the other's respect or even admiration. Look for moments to give her plenty of compliments on her figure and strict diet success. Follow that with telling her, "My butt is a little larger than yours, but I'm really OK with that. I've made peace with my butt and it feels good! And besides, there are so many better things to think about than my butt!" Have a good laugh while you set her straight.

    But also, find something other than image to compliment her on. It may awaken her to consider deeper things. I hope she comes around and your future visits are happier. With some work, you can help her be a better person, but you have to guard against caring what she thinks about you, and be willing to take a leadership role and set a good example. Easier said than done! If it takes a few years to get it right, so be it. You and your sister have long lives ahead of you - what's a few years of struggle as long as you're making progress?

    Now I need to write a script for myself so I can deal with the difficult people in my own life!
  • suelegal
    suelegal Posts: 1,282 Member
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    "You're being rude.

    Stay out of my closet.

    Eat what I cooked, without comment, or make your own."

    Exactly!

    She obviously pushes your own body image buttons. Move the buttons so she can't. Easier said than done, but you can.
  • pelaccioiniraq
    pelaccioiniraq Posts: 13
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    you have about 5 million responses and i agree with most of them. i am the rudest person i know and i have 2 friends. my wife adores me and the rest of the world hates me...kind of like gilbert gotfried...my voice is not bad though.

    i dont know what your sister looks like, but you are (visually from profile pic) a very GOOD looking woman, no i am not hitting on you but i mean you look good. you look healthy. you look mentally all there. you look like you are a nice person who genuinely cares about people and things. i envy you so much! but anyways, i have similar issues with my older sister. i am a straight married man, 26, shes 4 years older than me, turned 30 this year. shes a brat. but i love her. she makes fat comments to me all the time, and i have been skinny my whole life until i got into an accident and decided to ride it out and not care. back to you, like everyone said, you can confront her and ask to stop, tell your parents even, ignore it, or punch her in the face. just kidding, that would not be cool. my in-laws fell on hard times and moved in with my wife and i, they are very normal middle aged people on a budget with no nevermind to calories. although i am obese i do like the taste of, and desire healthy foods, raw cucumber, carrots, almond milk. i get nothing but negativity from them and it is hard to ignore. my wife says to let it go, i cannot. i have confronted them, been nice, been mean, ignored it. doesnt go away. and i wont return the rudeness by calling them greasy and fat, because i prob weigh more than both of them lol.

    i know i did not help in any way and im sorry i more than likely wasted 3 min of you life, but i am sorry your sister naggs you. sympathy from me for sure. best wishes.
  • Yoshirio
    Yoshirio Posts: 242 Member
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    Yeah I would be punching her in the throat and never speaking to her again. That is just so wrong on many levels...
    well I guess all you could say is "You are my sister and I love you, but I really do not appreciate your comments and ask that you do not say them again"......my sisters are the same way.....one of them lost her daughter a few years back and grabbed my daughter's arm and said "I wish it was you".....I only found out about this recently........sisters can be harsh.....don't know if I should even say anything to her about that but it sure hurts......good luck

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