Parenting Advice - Sleeping w/ Toddler

WeepingAngel81

Let me add I'm not against the co sleeping at least at that age. The bigger issues is the inconsistency between parents. Its better to work toward the non-cosleeping situation thats why mom should rethink her decision to be so stubborn. Divorce is nasty and different rules at different parents is only making it worse on the kids.

I think it's the dad who's being stubborn. Seriously, it all depends on your point of view. You think co-sleeping is bad (on what do you base this besides personal preference?) so you are going to call the mom 'stubborn' because she chooses to meet her child's needs in a way you don't approve of. :ohwell:

ill tell you why...because she said she was stubborn in the first post. Regardless of the comment she said...

Nothing can be done about Mom's decision to sleep w/ toddler. Nothing. This is not for debate.

That is pretty clear mom is stubborn and does not care about anything else. Mom doesnt care if anyone brings information to the table that is in support of the father she only cares that father is wrong and needs to fix something. Regardless if cosleeping is good or bad or your opinion or mine. Mom is stubborn and refuses to change. Mom does not know that she is meeting childs needs...Maybe mom is the one who needs the cosleeping with the child. Has mom tried to sleep alone? There is much debate out there about cosleeping pros and cons but ultimately we all end up sleeping alone.

Like I said cosleeping isn't bad in my opinion at that age hell Ive been through enough of them to know. The inconsistency on 2 levels is far more damaging. The dad needs to be consistent in his home and the mother needs to support him. If the child sees a divided front the child wins.

It basically comes down to two different parenting methods where the kids control the parents and the parents control the kids whatever works for you.

That opens an entire different can of worms. If they had been supportive of one another in the first place, would they be divorced? I don't know, and honestly that's in hindsight. What dad needs to focus on now, is what takes place in his house with his time. Parenting is tough. Parenting is even hard through divorce. Neither of them need to change what they are doing. They both simply need to be clear about what is expected at each house. It also wouldn't hurt for dad to show a little more compassion to the 2yo. Realize that she needs a break too. None of this is easy, and it will take time, but focusing on what is in his control would be beneficial.

MyOwnSunshine

After working on an in-patient pediatric psych unit this past summer alongside a child psychiatrist, my observation is that it is NOT inconsistency between households that is detrimental to a child's development and well-being. It is the power and control issues and conflict between parents that is harmful.

Children have the capacity (even toddlers) to understand and navigate two consistent sets of rules. People do it all the time and it is a behavior that contributes to our eventual success in life. Most people learn that there are different rules at work and at the bar. There are different expectations when we are with our spouse and when we are with our group of friends. The lack of consistency BETWEEN households doesn't matter as much as the consistent rules and expectations WITHIN EACH household.

Also, hanging onto hate, anger, blame and need for control of the other parent is harmful. It truly is one of the most predictable risk factors when caring for children of divorced parents in psychiatric crisis.

Also, please remember that sleeping issues and temper tantrums are common in even the healthiest of toddlers. It is normal and expected behavior, even in kids from a family with no divorce or issues. One of the reasons that psychiatric illness isn't diagnosed before the age of 6 is that toddlers are expected to be irrational and temperamental as a rule. :-)

richardheath

Here's the hypothetical situation:

Divorced Parents.
Mom Sleeps w/ 2 year old girl.
Dad wants 2 year old in her own crib, which is next to his room w/ adjoining door. Crib is right there 2 yards from him.
2 year old throws fit. Hates sleep. Can be up until 11pm or midnight on a particularly bad night.
Dad sometimes caves just to get some sleep and lets her in his bed.
She's getting increasingly adamant she won't sleep in her own bed/crib. Always wants to sleep w/ daddy.
Nothing can be done about Mom's decision to sleep w/ toddler. Nothing. This is not for debate.


Questions where dad is concerned:
1. Would dad getting her a big girl bed help or hurt the situation, in your opinion?
2. Any magical sleep trick... just... anything?

So not read the rest of the comments yet... But Mom is wrong. SHE needs to be working on getting the child into her own bed, not co-sleeping. That is her (i.e. Mom's) need, not the child's. Yeah, I've been that Dad.

On what do your base your opinion (besides personal bias)?

First off, the fact that Mom is not open for any discussion at all. That in itself is 100% wrong when co-parenting. She might end up being correct, but to state outright there will be no debate whatsoever on this issue is pig-headed and stubborn. Which is what makes me think that this is her issue, needing to sleep with the child, not the toddler's need to sleep with Mom.

Second, I base my opinion on having an ex-wife who refused to give up sleeping with our youngest. I currently have a nine-year old who still ends up in my bed half the time. She sleeps with my ex all the time she is with her.

I'm not against co-sleeping per se. But it does have to end at some point. It sounds to me like the Dad is ready to move on at this point, and he will be helped by the Mother doing her part. A 2-year old is definitely old enough.

And, yes it may well be "my personal bias", but I haven't seen a whole lot of peer reviewed studies coming from either side on this issue!

Oh, and btw - I also think Dad does need to buy the kid a big girl bed, establish (if he hasn't already) bedtime routines, work on making her comfortable etc. But he's not the only party involved in this. In my opinion, having consistency between him and the ex will help the child.

inside_lap

Consistency between parents may help but consistency within your own parenting helps more. Get her on a good night time routine, exercise good sleep hygiene, and be consistent. She will learn the house rules. You cave and the process starts again.

sophiek1964

When my daughter was young and hated to sleep by herself, she asked me "Why do you and daddy get to sleep together and I have sleep all alone?"

rml_16

It seems like an awful lot of people are simply giving opinions on whether this father should or should not co-sleep and are also projecting a lot of their own issues with their exes into the matter.

He just wants a plan of attack so that he can get some sleep at night. Bottom line, he can't sleep when she's in the bed with him and he can't sleep with her screaming in the next room.

Not everyone loves sleeping with their kids. I did it a little when my daughter was a baby mostly because it allowed ME to get more sleep. But I had her out of my bed as soon as I could and I don't miss sleeping with her and I never did miss it.

She's an adult now and doing just fine.

If he doesn't want to sleep with his daughter, he doesn't have to. And if the mother wants to sleep with her, she should be allowed that, as well.

Lift_Run_Eat

My daughter slept with me when she was 2 when my husband was deployed. I felt it was safer with her with me.

To break her of this when my husband returned, I started by making a pallet of blankets on the floor next to mine for her to sleep on. After a couple days, I would move her after she fell asleep to her own bed. After about a week of that, I started making her go to bed in her own room.

It was a tough transition and yah there were times that she went back to sleeping on the floor by my bed, but after a few weeks she was fine by herself.


This worked for us and probably would not work for anyone else, but adopting something similar might help.

inside_lap

When my daughter was young and hated to sleep by herself, she asked me "Why do you and daddy get to sleep together and I have sleep all alone?"

That's awesome. You obviously have a smart cookie on your hands

Lib_B

I lay with my four year old until he falls asleep in his bed. He says, "I don't like to sleep alone." And who does, really? I'm lucky that he falls asleep quickly - usually less than 10 minutes. At any rate, there are lots of things to try. And don't feel guilty for a second about co-sleeping. I wasn't into co-sleeping because my hubby and I enjoy being able to be intimate a few times a week, but to each their own.

tamara3226

I don't have kids, so I have no idea how it works. But I can see nothing good coming from allowing a kid to continue sleeping with the parent on a consistent basis.

I do have a child and am associated with several people with kids that are early to late teens. Some friends let kids sleep with them if they wanted to others didn't alllow it. Bed sharing in itself does not cause any developmental problems. Bed sharing is also not right for every family. Parents have to be comfortable with it too or it's a problem. If mom or dad can't sleep b/c the kid is in the bed then that is not ok but if everyone is comfy and getting a good night sleep it's not a problem.

tamara3226

Here's the hypothetical situation:

Divorced Parents.
Mom Sleeps w/ 2 year old girl.
Dad wants 2 year old in her own crib, which is next to his room w/ adjoining door. Crib is right there 2 yards from him.
2 year old throws fit. Hates sleep. Can be up until 11pm or midnight on a particularly bad night.
Dad sometimes caves just to get some sleep and lets her in his bed.
She's getting increasingly adamant she won't sleep in her own bed/crib. Always wants to sleep w/ daddy.
Nothing can be done about Mom's decision to sleep w/ toddler. Nothing. This is not for debate.


Questions where dad is concerned:
1. Would dad getting her a big girl bed help or hurt the situation, in your opinion?
2. Any magical sleep trick... just... anything?

I have a similiar situation although my DD is older. She's 5. At my home she sleeps with me (by her choice) and at her father's home she sleeps in her own bed. She has no issue with the inconsistent sleeping arrangements.

I was still married when my DD was 2 and we did not have her sleeping with us in our bed. Most nights I had to sit with her in her room until she would fall to sleep. Luckily most nights she didn't wake up.

Your questions:
1.2 yrs might be a little early for a big girl bed and if she is having trouble sleeping in her own bed I don't think that would help.
2. there is no magic. 2 year olds often have issues about going to bed etc... very common developmental problem that likely has nothing to do with her mom. there are tons of books and interent stuff on sleep training but I never found any of works. I just had to get through that stage of her life.

Good Luck!

heidispideymfp

Put 2 year old to sleep in dad's bed and then move to crib once asleep

LouisianaHotSauce_93

Maybe rock the child to sleep then put her in her own bed.. That's what I do

tamara3226

A big girl bed would probably help, and if she doesn't want to sleep in there alone (since it sounds like she's not used to that) one of you could lay with her until she falls asleep and then leave. Eventually she'll get used to it but caving when she's throwing a fit is just encouraging that behaviour

Yep.... whatever you choose to do you CANNOT EVER cave!

tamara3226

This is something I never truly understand why parents worry about.

Is the fear that the child will get used to sleeping with the parent, and not be able to stop? Do we know a lot of grownups who still sleep with their parents? I know my mom would find it odd...

Little kids want to sleep in bed with their parents. They eventually grow out of that. It's a different age for every kid. But at 2 I think it's completely normal.

what he said

777Gemma888

Here's the hypothetical situation:

Divorced Parents.
Mom Sleeps w/ 2 year old girl.
Dad wants 2 year old in her own crib, which is next to his room w/ adjoining door. Crib is right there 2 yards from him.
2 year old throws fit. Hates sleep. Can be up until 11pm or midnight on a particularly bad night.
Dad sometimes caves just to get some sleep and lets her in his bed.
She's getting increasingly adamant she won't sleep in her own bed/crib. Always wants to sleep w/ daddy.
Nothing can be done about Mom's decision to sleep w/ toddler. Nothing. This is not for debate.


Questions where dad is concerned:
1. Would dad getting her a big girl bed help or hurt the situation, in your opinion?
2. Any magical sleep trick... just... anything?

Agree with posters who'd addressed the standard sleep routine checks/protocols, only from my vantage point, I'll pitch in what worked for me as a toddler-child when my parents seasonally separated plus my 1st year at a Private All-Girls Boarding School abroad@ age 9:

1 I would ask the child's daytime carer to chart all foods/beverages - There might be a stimulant there of some kind. Is she eating too much? Does she have gas issues? Did she brush her teeth? [My God-child will not sleep if he has not brushed his teeth with a specific brand/flavour of toothpaste].
2 I would check her nap time durations + naptime frequency the hours before she'd spend time with her Dad
3 I would check her physical interactive plays; What was the level of activity because depending on the child, too much or too little can alter sleep patterns
4 I would ask the child if she's encountering any pains or discomfort ... Growing pains; Legs, gum, tummy, back, head, feet lol
5 Reassess the bedtime routine. Something is not working.
6 Chatting with the child in excess throughout dinner and all pre-bed time protocols, will tire the child out. Oftentimes the body is fatigued but their brains are on alert; Exhaust it.

From my experience, what worked for me, was taking a piece of clothing my Mum had worn; A scarf she'd just worn was my favourite; Her chemise. I would adorn my teddy bear with it ... And I'd sleep peacefully, hugging it 'til morning. If she is comforted by her Mum's scent, being that she was nurtured that way, waking up in the middle of the night and not smelling her Mum will disorient her and it will snowball into this hypothetical "tantrum," following what was seemingly the standard bedtime protocol followed to the t.

The toddler child feels like a stranger in her own room, I wholeheartedly concur with posters who'd suggested involving her in customising her room . Added to that, before bedtime reading, some forms of light play activities need to be inculcated in that very room, before reading time, so she doesn't feel as though she's transiting; Something like "I spy with my little eye," or "Goodnight [insert items in her room, etc] ... Even look into whether she is a lights on or lights off child, and which kind of night light ~ A brighter setting or a duller setting. Does she sleep to classical music? Some of my friends have sensors installed, where if the child moves to a section, within their cribs, the music comes on, to alert "there's movement," and there's a touch interactive play eg Seafloor with sea creatures, to calm the child and distract the child. Was her favourite blanket, stuffed toy or an item of clothing left behind at her Mum's place? Children have attachments, even with their favourite drink bottle. Even within her home where it's her comfort zone, she would have her Favourites. Those need to be with her upon arrival at her Dad's.

* If the Mum doesn't share what her favourites are; Ask the Grandparents, the siblings, her minders.

** Apologies, if I've repeated what fellow posters have contributed. Lovely topic indeed Odusgulp.

ElliottTN

Just one thing I've never understood about co-sleeping with non-infant children. What time is bedtime so that the child ends up in the bed with the parent?

Maybe I am just a night owl or something but my child goes to bed at 8 pm with a routine. I'm not into bed until around midnight. 7:30 hits then it' close-up shop time with him, pick out some night clothes, brush teeth, wash-up and stories. With this routine he is passing out by the time I hit the third book. No whining, no fussing, just passing out tired every night bc its a consistent routine. Timed nightlight and sleep sheep go on, turn off the lights and not a peep until he wakes up at 7:30 in the morn like clockwork.

I couldn't imagine handling this without a routine and consistency. Not trying to be rude but it sounds like that is exactly what is missing here.

cassiepv

Divorced mother of two here .. . Each house will have its own rules , dad needs to be firm at his house with acceptable behavior . This will be tough for a few nights . Giving in is the problem . Parenting is not easy . Good luck

marquel622

Kids are wonderful in that they are adaptable...

I would suggest that Dad get her a bed big enough for the two of them. Bed time should be very routine; bath, brush teeth, read a story, lights off. Dad lays with her until she falls asleep. When she is asleep dad gets up. If she wakes up it is back to her bed and dad stays until she is asleep.

As time goes on dad starts to leave once she is close to nodding off. Come back and check on her. Ween her off needing dad there. After a while you will be able to follow the routine, say for a few minutes and she should drift off.

This is something that I did with all my kids and it took about 2 months but the end result were kids that went to be perfctly every night.