How do you handle tantrums?

tr3kkie9rl

I hope my multiple posts aren't going to annoy anyone lol
Last thing I swear

We are a lot "harder" on our kids at home so we don't have to be so strict in public. Either of us can pretty much direct their behavior with looks and/or hand gestures. Of course they are much older now, but it helps to start forming habits when they are young.

How about I farm out my youngest to you for the next 5 years. My older one responds to basic parenting. The little one is a whole 'nother ballgame.

Try this book: "Conscious Discipline" by Becky Bailey. It's meant for teachers, but it is applicable to everyone, even adults dealing with each other lol. I haven't finished it yet, so this is a good reminder for me You can find it here:

https://consciousdiscipline.com/store/pc/viewPrd.asp?idproduct=7&idcategory=4

tr3kkie9rl

BUT ... maybe I should also clarify something. I don't mean to come off as a stuck up know it all, and I definitely DO NOT JUDGE parents whose kids do have tantrums. I understand that it happens, it's difficult to deal with, and parents often feel helpless and don't know what to do. I feel for the OP and anyone else who deals with tantrums, and I hope I didn't say anything that comes off like I think you're all terrible parents.

social anxiety setting in yay fun

_SantaClause

I always got an *kitten* whooping...

tr3kkie9rl

I always got an *kitten* whooping...

HAHA I did too! I always thought that when I had kids they'd get spanked just like I was... but then after living with 2 abusive men (one before kids, one during my first pregnancy), I just couldn't.

The one time I "spanked" each of them in any way:
My oldest (girl) - was just about 2 at the time - l told her to stand still while I got her brother out of his carseat - I was a single mom at the time and we were parked on the side of a very busy street and she was in defiance mode - looked right at me and stepped off the curb. I grabbed her arm, pulled her back, and swatted her behind hard enough to sting (she wasn't in diapers anymore). Then I told her why.
The youngest (boy) did kind of the same thing at about the same age - I had told him not to come near, but he was about to put his hand on top of the stove and a burner was on, so I swatted it away and I know it was hard enough that it stung his hand. Then I explained.

In both situations it was almost instinctive, and I immediately wished I hadn't done it and felt so guilty, but after thinking it through, I felt okay about it because if I hadn't, it might not have had the same impact on them and they were dangerous situations.

After that though, I determined to find other ways to teach them.

Mikkimeow

BUT ... maybe I should also clarify something. I don't mean to come off as a stuck up know it all, and I definitely DO NOT JUDGE parents whose kids do have tantrums. I understand that it happens, it's difficult to deal with, and parents often feel helpless and don't know what to do. I feel for the OP and anyone else who deals with tantrums, and I hope I didn't say anything that comes off like I think you're all terrible parents.

social anxiety setting in yay fun

After reading all of your posts, I definitely understand where you are coming from. I respectfully do disagree that multiple tantrums are abnormal. Does my daughter have one every day? No? Maybe twice a week. Do I think it is because she is unhappy or not properly cared for? No, but it has been slightly insinuated as such.

rml_16

BUT ... maybe I should also clarify something. I don't mean to come off as a stuck up know it all, and I definitely DO NOT JUDGE parents whose kids do have tantrums. I understand that it happens, it's difficult to deal with, and parents often feel helpless and don't know what to do. I feel for the OP and anyone else who deals with tantrums, and I hope I didn't say anything that comes off like I think you're all terrible parents.

social anxiety setting in yay fun

I have a feeling that if you have a third child, you might be in for a rude awakening.

Some kids never have tantrums. Some have three a day. These children might belong to the same parents raising them exactly the same way.

Different children have different personalities. You very possibly got lucky.

I'm not saying parenting has nothing to do with it, but children's temperaments are important, as well. And kids with messed up lives sometimes are the quieter kids. My parents fought like crazy nearly every day. I was one of the most well-behaved kids ever. My daughter was much more willful than I was, and my mother was a huge part of helping me raise her. She got essentially the same parenting I did, minus the warring parents.

leggup

I wasn't a tantrum-y child, but both of my siblings were. My mother had a warning system. She would give 1 warning. If after warning my siblings the tantrum continued, we left the store/mall/restaurant. Very often, my mom was alone at the grocery store with the 3 of us and she had to step outside while her full cart waited for her inside. She would sit outside with us and wait. And wait. No toys. No conversation. No reasoning. Just waiting. Eventually, without any more fuel, the tantrumer knocked it off. She would ask if we were ready to go back into the store. She would wait until we said "yes, mom." Then we went back in. I assume she gave eyeballs to the grocery store staff to indicate she'd be back for the cart.

I was spanked on RARE occasion as a child, I only remember it fleetingly and remember it was well deserved. I don't have any children, but I think my mother's technique worked well. The other shoppers surely appreciated it. We all have wonderful relationships with our parents now, so I think we turned out great.

tr3kkie9rl

BUT ... maybe I should also clarify something. I don't mean to come off as a stuck up know it all, and I definitely DO NOT JUDGE parents whose kids do have tantrums. I understand that it happens, it's difficult to deal with, and parents often feel helpless and don't know what to do. I feel for the OP and anyone else who deals with tantrums, and I hope I didn't say anything that comes off like I think you're all terrible parents.

social anxiety setting in yay fun

After reading all of your posts, I definitely understand where you are coming from. I respectfully do disagree that multiple tantrums are abnormal. Does my daughter have one every day? No? Maybe twice a week. Do I think it is because she is unhappy or not properly cared for? No, but it has been slightly insinuated as such.

I wouldn't say she is unhappy or improperly cared for, just that there could be something that just perhaps ... maybe... you are missing (completely unintentionally and not because you don't love her!!) :flowerforyou: *sticks head in the sand .... and comes back up for air*

Maybe she is easily overstimulated? A lot of kids have mild sensory processing issues. Heck, a lot of adults do! Maybe she is in a growth spurt and needs a bit more sleep? Maybe she is having a reaction to a food sensitivity (tummy-ache, nausea, headache) and can't tell you? Maybe something else ... there's always a reason and it doesn't mean you're neglecting her just because you haven't figured it out yet.

veganbettie

BUT ... maybe I should also clarify something. I don't mean to come off as a stuck up know it all, and I definitely DO NOT JUDGE parents whose kids do have tantrums. I understand that it happens, it's difficult to deal with, and parents often feel helpless and don't know what to do. I feel for the OP and anyone else who deals with tantrums, and I hope I didn't say anything that comes off like I think you're all terrible parents.

social anxiety setting in yay fun

After reading all of your posts, I definitely understand where you are coming from. I respectfully do disagree that multiple tantrums are abnormal. Does my daughter have one every day? No? Maybe twice a week. Do I think it is because she is unhappy or not properly cared for? No, but it has been slightly insinuated as such.

^^ I agree. you sound like a lovely person, and your kids just seem super awesome. But like everyone has said, all kids are different.

I don't really think there are any normal kids. What one kid may do the next may not do. My 2 year old doesn't throw many tantrums, and when he does it's mostly at home, where i can ignore the behavior and or just be there for him. So I feel lucky in that sense, my kid is a pretty awesome kid. Granted I only have one.

but as it's been studied by tons of pediatricians and parents and scientists and child hood specialists...tantrums are normal, and they are okay. Some kids may have them, some may not. it could be because of the way you treat them, or it could be just their personality.

If there is one thing in my life that I could confidently say that i'm doing a good job of it's being a parent to my child. And he has tantrums. And he is normal.

veganbettie

BUT ... maybe I should also clarify something. I don't mean to come off as a stuck up know it all, and I definitely DO NOT JUDGE parents whose kids do have tantrums. I understand that it happens, it's difficult to deal with, and parents often feel helpless and don't know what to do. I feel for the OP and anyone else who deals with tantrums, and I hope I didn't say anything that comes off like I think you're all terrible parents.

social anxiety setting in yay fun

After reading all of your posts, I definitely understand where you are coming from. I respectfully do disagree that multiple tantrums are abnormal. Does my daughter have one every day? No? Maybe twice a week. Do I think it is because she is unhappy or not properly cared for? No, but it has been slightly insinuated as such.

I wouldn't say she is unhappy or improperly cared for, just that there could be something that just perhaps ... maybe... you are missing (completely unintentionally and not because you don't love her!!) :flowerforyou: *sticks head in the sand .... and comes back up for air*

Maybe she is easily overstimulated? A lot of kids have mild sensory processing issues. Heck, a lot of adults do! Maybe she is in a growth spurt and needs a bit more sleep? Maybe she is having a reaction to a food sensitivity (tummy-ache, nausea, headache) and can't tell you? Maybe something else ... there's always a reason and it doesn't mean you're neglecting her just because you haven't figured it out yet.

^^ ah you're talking about anticipating the needs of your children before it gets to that tantrum state right?

tr3kkie9rl

BUT ... maybe I should also clarify something. I don't mean to come off as a stuck up know it all, and I definitely DO NOT JUDGE parents whose kids do have tantrums. I understand that it happens, it's difficult to deal with, and parents often feel helpless and don't know what to do. I feel for the OP and anyone else who deals with tantrums, and I hope I didn't say anything that comes off like I think you're all terrible parents.

social anxiety setting in yay fun

I have a feeling that if you have a third child, you might be in for a rude awakening.

Some kids never have tantrums. Some have three a day. These children might belong to the same parents raising them exactly the same way.

Different children have different personalities. You very possibly got lucky.

I'm not saying parenting has nothing to do with it, but children's temperaments are important, as well. And kids with messed up lives sometimes are the quieter kids. My parents fought like crazy nearly every day. I was one of the most well-behaved kids ever. My daughter was much more willful than I was, and my mother was a huge part of helping me raise her. She got essentially the same parenting I did, minus the warring parents.

Temperament definitely can be a factor and that is a very valid point. My 2 are completely opposite - my daughter is outgoing and social, wants to please everyone, and my son is the retrospective "sensitive" one who is also much more stubborn than she is.

However, with my kids at least, I know it isn't just temperament. The biggest reason I know this is that my son has tantrums with his father. I've witnessed them. The last one I saw with my own eyes was about 6 months ago - and he just turned 7 2 days ago. Just doesn't happen in my house.

Temperament aside, there are enough strategies that will work on any type of child, that tantrums don't have to be the "normal necessity" they are claimed to be by some.

CJisinShape

My kids USED to be very unruly. I tried everything they tell you to do.

Only one thing worked: training. Then, bit by bit, they got better and better and better and are now, to my surprise, frequently COMPLIMENTED on their behavior!

It is, literally, the oldest advice on parenting (its from the Bible), "train up a child in the way he should go."

Think about it - we train kids to go to the potty, to read, and even adults need training for their jobs, but somehow we expect kids to be able to control their emotions on command (which is even a struggle for adults)! We have to train them.

When the child is at home and calm, you can explain your goals and what you are going to do to reach them, then be consistent and AUTHORITATIVE and KIND. They know you love them and they know you mean business. You can even play pretend, where the two of you practice. My kids know that orderly behavior is more fun than being unruly. To the point that they correct each other's behavior.

Specifically regarding tantrums, they are allowed one second of trantruming. Once they hit the floor, it's "that is unacceptable. Get off the floor." No emotions, no explainations, no coddling, no yelling, just demand, with the expectation of immediate compliance. And they can do it because they are not so overwhelmed by the emotion of five minutes of tantrum plus being yelled at by their parent, who looks as panicked as they are. Once they can do it at home, they can do it outside. This is very EMPOWERING for you and the child. The child learns he can have control over his strong emotions and the parent learns not to be manipulated by a child who has learned trantrums get the bubbles/attention/power over their parent. Win-win.

Needless to say, they figure out fairly quickly that tantrums are pointless and don't bother with that strategy. (Then you get the annoyed faces, but we're working on that ;-).

Hope this helps.

tr3kkie9rl

As you stated, veganbettie, "anticipating the needs of your children before it gets to that tantrum state" is exactly what I was trying to say. Of course, that isn't always possible because they don't have a full grasp of how to communicate with us what's wrong, and in most cases, they themselves don't even know what's wrong! (side note to any moms with infants - teaching your baby some basic sign language is sooooo amazingly useful!) I just can't accept the idea of throwing in the towel and saying "my kid has tantrums and it's okay" - I'm always searching for answers. I guess maybe that's just my personality?

veganbettie

BUT ... maybe I should also clarify something. I don't mean to come off as a stuck up know it all, and I definitely DO NOT JUDGE parents whose kids do have tantrums. I understand that it happens, it's difficult to deal with, and parents often feel helpless and don't know what to do. I feel for the OP and anyone else who deals with tantrums, and I hope I didn't say anything that comes off like I think you're all terrible parents.

social anxiety setting in yay fun

I have a feeling that if you have a third child, you might be in for a rude awakening.

Some kids never have tantrums. Some have three a day. These children might belong to the same parents raising them exactly the same way.

Different children have different personalities. You very possibly got lucky.

I'm not saying parenting has nothing to do with it, but children's temperaments are important, as well. And kids with messed up lives sometimes are the quieter kids. My parents fought like crazy nearly every day. I was one of the most well-behaved kids ever. My daughter was much more willful than I was, and my mother was a huge part of helping me raise her. She got essentially the same parenting I did, minus the warring parents.

Temperament definitely can be a factor and that is a very valid point. My 2 are completely opposite - my daughter is outgoing and social, wants to please everyone, and my son is the retrospective "sensitive" one who is also much more stubborn than she is.

However, with my kids at least, I know it isn't just temperament. The biggest reason I know this is that my son has tantrums with his father. I've witnessed them. The last one I saw with my own eyes was about 6 months ago - and he just turned 7 2 days ago. Just doesn't happen in my house.

Temperament aside, there are enough strategies that will work on any type of child, that tantrums don't have to be the "normal necessity" they are claimed to be by some.

I kind of agree. Just in the fact that if you're anticipating your child's needs and making sure all their needs are met, they generally won't have a tantrum...Which I love, i'm very much into attachment parenting which this falls into line with....

but at the same time, i'm a working mother, I have to work, then pick my son up, and then sometimes go to the grocery store, while my son is tired, and he might get fussy....and sometimes tantrums might happen....most of the time I do what my son needs me to do to keep the tantrum at bay, like he doesn't like to sit in the shopping cart, so I have to hold him, while pushing a cart to avoid the tantrum....I give in to him because I know that i've been gone all day long and I know he needs that closeness to me...but there are going to be times where i'm not going to physically or time allowing be able to anticipate his needs to avoid melt downs or tears. Which really sucks, but it is what it is. He also needs me to go shopping to get food.

veganbettie

As you stated, veganbettie, "anticipating the needs of your children before it gets to that tantrum state" is exactly what I was trying to say. Of course, that isn't always possible because they don't have a full grasp of how to communicate with us what's wrong, and in most cases, they themselves don't even know what's wrong! (side note to any moms with infants - teaching your baby some basic sign language is sooooo amazingly useful!) I just can't accept the idea of throwing in the towel and saying "my kid has tantrums and it's okay" - I'm always searching for answers. I guess maybe that's just my personality?

okay cool, I totally understand what you're saying now. lol

By me saying that tantrums are normal, I don't mean I'm throwing in the towel, they are just inevitable because in all honesty, sometimes I just need to poop and I really don't like holding a toddler while i'm pooping.

tr3kkie9rl

My kids USED to be very unruly. I tried everything they tell you to do.

Only one thing worked: training. Then, bit by bit, they got better and better and better and are now, to my surprise, frequently COMPLIMENTED on their behavior!

It is, literally, the oldest advice on parenting (its from the Bible), "train up a child in the way he should go."

Think about it - we train kids to go to the potty, to read, and even adults need training for their jobs, but somehow we expect kids to be able to control their emotions on command (which is even a struggle for adults)! We have to train them.

When the child is at home and calm, you can explain your goals and what you are going to do to reach them, then be consistent and AUTHORITATIVE and KIND. They know you love them and they know you mean business. You can even play pretend, where the two of you practice. My kids know that orderly behavior is more fun than being unruly. To the point that they correct each other's behavior.

Specifically regarding tantrums, they are allowed one second of trantruming. Once they hit the floor, it's "that is unacceptable. Get off the floor." No emotions, no explainations, no coddling, no yelling, just demand, with the expectation of immediate compliance. And they can do it because they are not so overwhelmed by the emotion of five minutes of tantrum plus being yelled at by their parent, who looks as panicked as they are. Once they can do it at home, they can do it outside. This is very EMPOWERING for you and the child. The child learns he can have control over his strong emotions and the parent learns not to be manipulated by a child who has learned trantrums get the bubbles/attention/power over their parent. Win-win.

Needless to say, they figure out fairly quickly that tantrums are pointless and don't bother with that strategy. (Then you get the annoyed faces, but we're working on that ;-).

Hope this helps.

I really really like what you had to say
People are sometimes offended by this, but kids are a lot like puppies. You can use almost all the same "training" strategies on them LOL (of course there are varying opinions on how to train animals too... *sigh*)

tr3kkie9rl

As you stated, veganbettie, "anticipating the needs of your children before it gets to that tantrum state" is exactly what I was trying to say. Of course, that isn't always possible because they don't have a full grasp of how to communicate with us what's wrong, and in most cases, they themselves don't even know what's wrong! (side note to any moms with infants - teaching your baby some basic sign language is sooooo amazingly useful!) I just can't accept the idea of throwing in the towel and saying "my kid has tantrums and it's okay" - I'm always searching for answers. I guess maybe that's just my personality?

okay cool, I totally understand what you're saying now. lol

By me saying that tantrums are normal, I don't mean I'm throwing in the towel, they are just inevitable because in all honesty, sometimes I just need to poop and I really don't like holding a toddler while i'm pooping.

HAHAHAHAHAHA
there is no "smiley" awesome enough for this

likitisplit

As you stated, veganbettie, "anticipating the needs of your children before it gets to that tantrum state" is exactly what I was trying to say. Of course, that isn't always possible because they don't have a full grasp of how to communicate with us what's wrong, and in most cases, they themselves don't even know what's wrong! (side note to any moms with infants - teaching your baby some basic sign language is sooooo amazingly useful!) I just can't accept the idea of throwing in the towel and saying "my kid has tantrums and it's okay" - I'm always searching for answers. I guess maybe that's just my personality?

okay cool, I totally understand what you're saying now. lol

By me saying that tantrums are normal, I don't mean I'm throwing in the towel, they are just inevitable because in all honesty, sometimes I just need to poop and I really don't like holding a toddler while i'm pooping.

It doesn't get truer than this.

likitisplit

My kids USED to be very unruly. I tried everything they tell you to do.

Only one thing worked: training. Then, bit by bit, they got better and better and better and are now, to my surprise, frequently COMPLIMENTED on their behavior!

It is, literally, the oldest advice on parenting (its from the Bible), "train up a child in the way he should go."

Think about it - we train kids to go to the potty, to read, and even adults need training for their jobs, but somehow we expect kids to be able to control their emotions on command (which is even a struggle for adults)! We have to train them.

When the child is at home and calm, you can explain your goals and what you are going to do to reach them, then be consistent and AUTHORITATIVE and KIND. They know you love them and they know you mean business. You can even play pretend, where the two of you practice. My kids know that orderly behavior is more fun than being unruly. To the point that they correct each other's behavior.

Specifically regarding tantrums, they are allowed one second of trantruming. Once they hit the floor, it's "that is unacceptable. Get off the floor." No emotions, no explainations, no coddling, no yelling, just demand, with the expectation of immediate compliance. And they can do it because they are not so overwhelmed by the emotion of five minutes of tantrum plus being yelled at by their parent, who looks as panicked as they are. Once they can do it at home, they can do it outside. This is very EMPOWERING for you and the child. The child learns he can have control over his strong emotions and the parent learns not to be manipulated by a child who has learned trantrums get the bubbles/attention/power over their parent. Win-win.

Needless to say, they figure out fairly quickly that tantrums are pointless and don't bother with that strategy. (Then you get the annoyed faces, but we're working on that ;-).

Hope this helps.

Training is totally under utilized. For instance, if you have a problem area (darting off) take your kid to a mall when you don't have anything to get there and make a game out of having the kid control the behavior with your attention and feedback. The kid gets to figure out cues and you get to try control techniques so, when you're actually in the situation, you both are prepared.

likitisplit

My kids aren't abnormal, I definitely am not a perfect parent, and they have FAR from perfect lives. They have 2 different dads, 2 different schedules, only one is with me full time, one's dad is an alcoholic who treats her like a princess who can do no wrong (I wouldn't be surprised if she threw tantrums with him), and the other has a father who mostly uses video games to occupy his time so he often feels lonely and unsure of their relationship.

Yet despite all that, largely due to the fact that we have always provided them a loving, safe, stable home with very clear boundaries, they have not felt the need to "act out" as often as they probably could have, given their unusual circumstances. The youngest one in particular sometimes has severe mood swings, but when he comes up against a brick wall so to speak, it reassures him and often he is happiest and in the best mood immediately after that. Kids NEED boundaries to feel safe. They NEED someone to be firm, to show them that, although they can make their own choices in many areas, they are still children with a parent who will protect them. Because, essentially, that is what we are doing. We want our kids to listen so that (worst case scenario but it happens!) if they start running toward the street but they hear our voice say "STOP!!" they don't ignore it and get hit by a car.

It saddens me that so many people - even "experts" like pediatricians - think multiple tantrums are normal. There are so many ways to prevent them. Yes they will happen, but they don't have to, and certainly not frequently.

I honestly feel lucky to have learned as much as I have and all I hope to do is share what I've learned with anyone who cares to hear it.

Edited to say: I'm really confused why people think that kids who have tantrums "normally" will be happier than those that don't LOL

I'm not saying that kids will be happier with tantrums. I'm saying that there are a lot of theories and parenting styles and WE JUST DON'T know what will maximize the life happiness of a specific person.

Maybe the anxiety that a pre-schooler had to deal with is what gives them the need for control that allows them to be the best Project Manager the world has ever seen. Maybe they work for the CDC and end up saving millions of lives, winning a Nobel Prize and achieving love, happiness and contentment because their mom was distracted from the ages of 3-5.

We all have had our "worst moment" and there are some best practices and tips - I'm definitely going to check out the book you recommended. But sometimes we just need to take a deep breath and give ourselves the grace to be human. I think there's important learning for our kids there too.