How do you handle tantrums?

Keepcalmanddontblink

I think you did exactly waht you should have. You did NOT give in and give her what she was crying over (good job, Mom!), and you got her out of there as quickly as you could. Most people completely understand toddler meltdowns - don't worry about her having them in public, they're normal. Distraction IS a great thing (Darkguardian - super point), but even when they're young doesn't always work the way we want it to. If you keep NOT giving in, you guys will get past this stage. :flowerforyou:

This. Totally this! I hate it when parents will just cave in to shut the kid up. I mean, its like, why bother saying no in the first place? Maybe having a time out or something might work, if she is old enough to understand why she is having one. If she is too young, just keep up what you are doing and don't cave in. Good luck!

PRMinx

Honesty may hurt, but I will not withhold it simply because you don't like what I have to say. The OP illustrates the point that NOBODY here (this includes parents) is an expert on raising children.

My point may have stung (ok, it definitely stung... a lot if someone didn't know themselves very well), yet it is absolutely valid.

Dude, you're giving parenting advice and your profile talks about hoping to find a girlfriend.

Honesty hurts.

Being childfree is a qualification for any girlfriend, and I'm up front about that from the beginning. I've turned down women who had or wanted kids in the past and will continue to do so.

I'm sure you're a catch

For women who don't want kids - and there are plenty of us - he probably is.

Ya'll should link up.

pepperpat64

I handle them by not having kids. LOL

opus649

Spanking is not abuse! That's just keeping the kid in line. Dark closets with no food or water is abuse. Beating is abuse. Spanking is not abuse, and it works.

Your opinion.

teresamwhite

I'm a fan of delegation. I think I had them hold the list at the age, or the coupons. I gave them a pale colored crayon so they could draw lines through the items. and made a game of it..."We're heading into the shampoo aisle, we need X Shampoo, it's a red bottle, do you see it?" As i pushed, they would point out the bottle, it would go in the cart and they would draw a line through it. I chose pale crayons because it was easy enough to see through, in case they scribbled a bit.

tr3kkie9rl

Explain to your child BEFORE you leave home where you're going and what you're going to get - i.e. - 'We're going to the grocery store - ALL we are getting is healthy food for the week - NO toys, candy, or presents.'

Tell your daughter you KNOW she is a big girl, and she will behave herself on the trip.

If she has a melt-down - remind her of the trip - why you're there, what you're getting.

IF she continues - leave immediately - she gets a time-out at home.

My daughter had one melt-down in a Target when she was around 2 - I walked away from her.

I saw her get up - look around in disbelief - and run after me - no more tears.

Never happened again.

Ah tantrums - the bane of every parent's existence! Let me preface this by mentioning that I have 2 kids, now 7 and 8, and their step-dad is a preschool teacher with a Masters in ECE as well as a bunch of certifications I don't remember lol. That's not to say I'm an expert, but I will say I've learned a lot from him and what I know works. He's like the child whisperer I swear. Anyway, back to the point.

This (quoted above) is mostly good advice *except* for the time-out at home. I would really really advise against that. Based on the age of the child, any disciplinary action needs to be immediate. By the time you get home, they will not connect what happened in the store with the consequences, even if you remind them. And rationalization (explaining things beforehand) doesn't always work at this age either. This age is the epitome of living in the moment.

The one big thing I would mention (I apologize if someone else already said this, I didn't read through all the responses yet) is that at this age, children are starting to have some self-realization, are starting to understand cause-and-effect, and are beginning to understand what the concept of control is. What all of that leads to is that they want to control things themselves. Natural psychological development. What you can do is start to give her choices - you control the options, but allow her to choose one of them. And only present 2 choices, not more. For example - do you want to eat peas or carrots? Would you like to color or play with legos? Do you want me to help you put on your shoes or would you like to try it yourself?

As far as dealing with the situation in the store, try keeping her engaged while you shop. Talk about everything you're doing as it's happening. I like what teresamwhite said about delegation and having them involved in the shopping, helping look for items etc. And if none of that works, and it gets to the point of a tantrum, ignoring it is ultimately what you have to do. Keep talking in a calm voice, do not let any upset emotions show, and give her something to focus on.

Google "tantrums and the frontal lobe" if you want to get more in-depth... and here is one really informative article

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/the_kids/2013/02/why_does_my_kid_freak_out_the_science_behind_toddler_tantrums.html

tr3kkie9rl

All of that "it's impossible for kids to behave, so you should just let them throw a fit" garbage is what bothers me. I didn't throw stuff on the floor in the grocery store when I was 1, 2, or older. Don't tell me that kids are not capable of behaving.

I call bull.

you didn't throw stuff on the floor at 1 or 2. Really? bull.

Kids do that, and it's not misbehaving, they are figuring out how things work. It is very possible for kids to behave. But a child throwing a tantrum isn't necessarily misbehaving, they are just acting like a child. Again a child under 2 does not have a grasp of their emotions. Everything is horrible to them. Or great! They are like tiny bipolar people! Thats how they are, that's how they are supposed to be.

Why don't you just stop? You clearly do not understand how children grow and learn and develop. You clearly do not know developmental stages or how children and people naturally act. Because clearly you are perfect and have been an adult since you were 1 year old.

And as an adult you seem just super.

Had to go there. Tantrums are "normal" but only because parents are often uninformed and miseducated (not necessarily their fault... but that again is a completely different conversation) so it happens more often than it should. It seems you have a partial understanding of child development but it's incomplete.

My kids each only threw one tantrum. Ever. And they never did again. I didn't spank them (although I have swatted them once each for something else).

tr3kkie9rl

I remember that before I had kids I had a lot stronger opinion about children's behavior than I do now. To those without kids - it's a lot harder than it looks and to those with kids - don't forget how annoyed you were by misbehaved kids before you had your own and found out its a lot harder than it looks.

HEAR HEAR

And it's also harder when you don't have a guidebook. I happen to lucky enough to have married one though lol

(I really need to figure out the multiple quotes thing)

tr3kkie9rl

I hope my multiple posts aren't going to annoy anyone lol
Last thing I swear

We are a lot "harder" on our kids at home so we don't have to be so strict in public. Either of us can pretty much direct their behavior with looks and/or hand gestures. Of course they are much older now, but it helps to start forming habits when they are young.

SarahRuthRuns

The tone changed with "contradict yourself much?" I followed the new tone.

Totally fair. You did contradict yourself.

veganbettie

All of that "it's impossible for kids to behave, so you should just let them throw a fit" garbage is what bothers me. I didn't throw stuff on the floor in the grocery store when I was 1, 2, or older. Don't tell me that kids are not capable of behaving.

I call bull.

you didn't throw stuff on the floor at 1 or 2. Really? bull.

Kids do that, and it's not misbehaving, they are figuring out how things work. It is very possible for kids to behave. But a child throwing a tantrum isn't necessarily misbehaving, they are just acting like a child. Again a child under 2 does not have a grasp of their emotions. Everything is horrible to them. Or great! They are like tiny bipolar people! Thats how they are, that's how they are supposed to be.

Why don't you just stop? You clearly do not understand how children grow and learn and develop. You clearly do not know developmental stages or how children and people naturally act. Because clearly you are perfect and have been an adult since you were 1 year old.

And as an adult you seem just super.

Had to go there. Tantrums are "normal" but only because parents are often uninformed and miseducated (not necessarily their fault... but that again is a completely different conversation) so it happens more often than it should. It seems you have a partial understanding of child development but it's incomplete.

My kids each only threw one tantrum. Ever. And they never did again. I didn't spank them (although I have swatted them once each for something else).

Your kids must be abnormal (in a good way ) then. I bet anything everyone's views on what exactly a tantrum is varies as well....

I still say tantrums are a normal part of a child's development, simply because they have no idea how to control their emotions and it's a parents job to walk them through it and to figure out why they feel that way and how to fix it. How to have the kid fix it, not the adult.

And i'm talking about the tantrums of children under 3....once you get over 3 things start to really change....but an 18 month old has no idea how the world works, they are generally having a tantrum because they are frustrated and can't express themselves. Kids understand a lot more than we think but their vocal skills aren't really up to par yet so they can't express themselves.

Imagine if someone controlled every aspect of your life and you couldn't talk? Or explain if you were unhappy? Or tired? Or hungry? You might get frustrated too, and you might just lose it. That's what's going on with young kids and tantrums...

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/tantrums.html#

likitisplit

I hope my multiple posts aren't going to annoy anyone lol
Last thing I swear

We are a lot "harder" on our kids at home so we don't have to be so strict in public. Either of us can pretty much direct their behavior with looks and/or hand gestures. Of course they are much older now, but it helps to start forming habits when they are young.

How about I farm out my youngest to you for the next 5 years. My older one responds to basic parenting. The little one is a whole 'nother ballgame.

rml_16

[quoteHad to go there. Tantrums are "normal" but only because parents are often uninformed and miseducated (not necessarily their fault... but that again is a completely different conversation) so it happens more often than it should. It seems you have a partial understanding of child development but it's incomplete.

My kids each only threw one tantrum. Ever. And they never did again. I didn't spank them (although I have swatted them once each for something else). [/quote]

Mine didn't throw a lot of tantrums, but when she did it usually indicated she was getting sick.

Not sure how you parent "getting sick" out.

Glad you were a perfect parent and the rest of us suck, though.

rml_16

Spanking is not abuse! That's just keeping the kid in line. Dark closets with no food or water is abuse. Beating is abuse. Spanking is not abuse, and it works.

Your opinion.

I was spanked. I guarantee I was not abused.

likitisplit

All of that "it's impossible for kids to behave, so you should just let them throw a fit" garbage is what bothers me. I didn't throw stuff on the floor in the grocery store when I was 1, 2, or older. Don't tell me that kids are not capable of behaving.

I call bull.

you didn't throw stuff on the floor at 1 or 2. Really? bull.

Kids do that, and it's not misbehaving, they are figuring out how things work. It is very possible for kids to behave. But a child throwing a tantrum isn't necessarily misbehaving, they are just acting like a child. Again a child under 2 does not have a grasp of their emotions. Everything is horrible to them. Or great! They are like tiny bipolar people! Thats how they are, that's how they are supposed to be.

Why don't you just stop? You clearly do not understand how children grow and learn and develop. You clearly do not know developmental stages or how children and people naturally act. Because clearly you are perfect and have been an adult since you were 1 year old.

And as an adult you seem just super.

Had to go there. Tantrums are "normal" but only because parents are often uninformed and miseducated (not necessarily their fault... but that again is a completely different conversation) so it happens more often than it should. It seems you have a partial understanding of child development but it's incomplete.

My kids each only threw one tantrum. Ever. And they never did again. I didn't spank them (although I have swatted them once each for something else).

Your kids must be abnormal (in a good way ) then. I bet anything everyone's views on what exactly a tantrum is varies as well....

I still say tantrums are a normal part of a child's development, simply because they have no idea how to control their emotions and it's a parents job to walk them through it and to figure out why they feel that way and how to fix it. How to have the kid fix it, not the adult.

And i'm talking about the tantrums of children under 3....once you get over 3 things start to really change....but an 18 month old has no idea how the world works, they are generally having a tantrum because they are frustrated and can't express themselves. Kids understand a lot more than we think but their vocal skills aren't really up to par yet so they can't express themselves.

Imagine if someone controlled every aspect of your life and you couldn't talk? Or explain if you were unhappy? Or tired? Or hungry? You might get frustrated too, and you might just lose it. That's what's going on with young kids and tantrums...

http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/tantrums.html#

She's right in that anxiety and physical distress seems to be the root of most tantrums. So, if you have a pretty laid back kid and have them on a rigorous schedule that meets their physical needs and provides them a high level of consistency and control, you're probably not going to see a lot of them.

Some kids are wired to be more anxious. Some have sensitivity issues. These kids will be harder to parent in that way.

likitisplit

Had to go there. Tantrums are "normal" but only because parents are often uninformed and miseducated (not necessarily their fault... but that again is a completely different conversation) so it happens more often than it should. It seems you have a partial understanding of child development but it's incomplete.

My kids each only threw one tantrum. Ever. And they never did again. I didn't spank them (although I have swatted them once each for something else).

Mine didn't throw a lot of tantrums, but when she did it usually indicated she was getting sick.

Not sure how you parent "getting sick" out.

Glad you were a perfect parent and the rest of us suck, though.

I'm just waiting until all our kids are 30 and seeing who is the happiest.

rml_16

Had to go there. Tantrums are "normal" but only because parents are often uninformed and miseducated (not necessarily their fault... but that again is a completely different conversation) so it happens more often than it should. It seems you have a partial understanding of child development but it's incomplete.

My kids each only threw one tantrum. Ever. And they never did again. I didn't spank them (although I have swatted them once each for something else).

Mine didn't throw a lot of tantrums, but when she did it usually indicated she was getting sick.

Not sure how you parent "getting sick" out.

Glad you were a perfect parent and the rest of us suck, though.

I'm just waiting until all our kids are 30 and seeing who is the happiest.

Mine turns 20 next month. I can provide a status update.

PayneAS

In the three times (maybe!) my son, who is now 7, has had a tantrum in the store I've placed him in timeout. Right in the middle of an (unused/out of the way) aisle. Do I care if I get judgmental stares? Nope. Is it better for me to give in so he learns that screaming will get him his way just to make some stranger I'm never going to see again happy? Nope. I even had a Walmart employee approach me once, nervously, asking if everything was okay. Like he thought I was beating my child or something. I calmly looked at him and said, "Nope. He's throwing a tantrum because he wants (whatever it was) so he's in timeout. We're good thanks." He didn't quite know what to do.

I definitely don't put up with tantrums and don't allow my child or society to control me with them. And this is why perhaps I've only had to deal with 3.

And for anyone who might get upset because people like me shouldn't subject others to their child's screaming... well do you want me to raise a productive member of society or do you want to be posting about him on Facebook 20 years from now when he's mooching off others because he expects to be handed everything he wants in life?

I'm primarily thankful that I can check out at the grocery store and if he asks me for a piece of candy from temptation station I can say No (if I need to) without worrying about him throwing a fit. He'll shrug his shoulders and say "Okay" and put it back. So, so thankful.

lynn1982

I haven't read most of the replies. I know with my nephew who is 2.5 - distract, distract, distract. His parents are exceedingly calm with him when he has a tantrum. There have been times where we've been out in public and he has thrown such a tantrum that they've just had to take him home and let him cry and scream it out while they talk gently to him. Often times though, distracting him with their iphone is enough... I have a friend who puts her 1.5 year old in a time out in his crib when he has a tantrum. Honestly, I don't see a difference in the quantity of tantrums - just a different parenting style. It's going to happen and I think most people who have been around kids understand somewhat and feel for you...

tr3kkie9rl

My kids aren't abnormal, I definitely am not a perfect parent, and they have FAR from perfect lives. They have 2 different dads, 2 different schedules, only one is with me full time, one's dad is an alcoholic who treats her like a princess who can do no wrong (I wouldn't be surprised if she threw tantrums with him), and the other has a father who mostly uses video games to occupy his time so he often feels lonely and unsure of their relationship.

Yet despite all that, largely due to the fact that we have always provided them a loving, safe, stable home with very clear boundaries, they have not felt the need to "act out" as often as they probably could have, given their unusual circumstances. The youngest one in particular sometimes has severe mood swings, but when he comes up against a brick wall so to speak, it reassures him and often he is happiest and in the best mood immediately after that. Kids NEED boundaries to feel safe. They NEED someone to be firm, to show them that, although they can make their own choices in many areas, they are still children with a parent who will protect them. Because, essentially, that is what we are doing. We want our kids to listen so that (worst case scenario but it happens!) if they start running toward the street but they hear our voice say "STOP!!" they don't ignore it and get hit by a car.

It saddens me that so many people - even "experts" like pediatricians - think multiple tantrums are normal. There are so many ways to prevent them. Yes they will happen, but they don't have to, and certainly not frequently.

I honestly feel lucky to have learned as much as I have and all I hope to do is share what I've learned with anyone who cares to hear it.

Edited to say: I'm really confused why people think that kids who have tantrums "normally" will be happier than those that don't LOL