How do you handle tantrums?

CJisinShape

My kids USED to be very unruly. I tried everything they tell you to do.

Only one thing worked: training. Then, bit by bit, they got better and better and better and are now, to my surprise, frequently COMPLIMENTED on their behavior!

It is, literally, the oldest advice on parenting (its from the Bible), "train up a child in the way he should go."

Think about it - we train kids to go to the potty, to read, and even adults need training for their jobs, but somehow we expect kids to be able to control their emotions on command (which is even a struggle for adults)! We have to train them.

When the child is at home and calm, you can explain your goals and what you are going to do to reach them, then be consistent and AUTHORITATIVE and KIND. They know you love them and they know you mean business. You can even play pretend, where the two of you practice. My kids know that orderly behavior is more fun than being unruly. To the point that they correct each other's behavior.

Specifically regarding tantrums, they are allowed one second of trantruming. Once they hit the floor, it's "that is unacceptable. Get off the floor." No emotions, no explainations, no coddling, no yelling, just demand, with the expectation of immediate compliance. And they can do it because they are not so overwhelmed by the emotion of five minutes of tantrum plus being yelled at by their parent, who looks as panicked as they are. Once they can do it at home, they can do it outside. This is very EMPOWERING for you and the child. The child learns he can have control over his strong emotions and the parent learns not to be manipulated by a child who has learned trantrums get the bubbles/attention/power over their parent. Win-win.

Needless to say, they figure out fairly quickly that tantrums are pointless and don't bother with that strategy. (Then you get the annoyed faces, but we're working on that ;-).

Hope this helps.

I really really like what you had to say
People are sometimes offended by this, but kids are a lot like puppies. You can use almost all the same "training" strategies on them LOL (of course there are varying opinions on how to train animals too... *sigh*)

Thanks. I think parents are taught reactionary techniques - (timeout, rationalizing, punishments/rewards, etc), and while they have their place, training is proactive, and minimizes the need for the other techniques.

Pipsg1rl

I just want to know if you've been to the grocery store again since this thread started....

tr3kkie9rl

My kids USED to be very unruly. I tried everything they tell you to do.

Only one thing worked: training. Then, bit by bit, they got better and better and better and are now, to my surprise, frequently COMPLIMENTED on their behavior!

It is, literally, the oldest advice on parenting (its from the Bible), "train up a child in the way he should go."

Think about it - we train kids to go to the potty, to read, and even adults need training for their jobs, but somehow we expect kids to be able to control their emotions on command (which is even a struggle for adults)! We have to train them.

When the child is at home and calm, you can explain your goals and what you are going to do to reach them, then be consistent and AUTHORITATIVE and KIND. They know you love them and they know you mean business. You can even play pretend, where the two of you practice. My kids know that orderly behavior is more fun than being unruly. To the point that they correct each other's behavior.

Specifically regarding tantrums, they are allowed one second of trantruming. Once they hit the floor, it's "that is unacceptable. Get off the floor." No emotions, no explainations, no coddling, no yelling, just demand, with the expectation of immediate compliance. And they can do it because they are not so overwhelmed by the emotion of five minutes of tantrum plus being yelled at by their parent, who looks as panicked as they are. Once they can do it at home, they can do it outside. This is very EMPOWERING for you and the child. The child learns he can have control over his strong emotions and the parent learns not to be manipulated by a child who has learned trantrums get the bubbles/attention/power over their parent. Win-win.

Needless to say, they figure out fairly quickly that tantrums are pointless and don't bother with that strategy. (Then you get the annoyed faces, but we're working on that ;-).

Hope this helps.

I really really like what you had to say
People are sometimes offended by this, but kids are a lot like puppies. You can use almost all the same "training" strategies on them LOL (of course there are varying opinions on how to train animals too... *sigh*)

Thanks. I think parents are taught reactionary techniques - (timeout, rationalizing, punishments/rewards, etc), and while they have their place, training is proactive, and minimizes the need for the other techniques.

I completely agree!!!

CJisinShape

My kids USED to be very unruly. I tried everything they tell you to do.

Only one thing worked: training. Then, bit by bit, they got better and better and better and are now, to my surprise, frequently COMPLIMENTED on their behavior!

It is, literally, the oldest advice on parenting (its from the Bible), "train up a child in the way he should go."

Think about it - we train kids to go to the potty, to read, and even adults need training for their jobs, but somehow we expect kids to be able to control their emotions on command (which is even a struggle for adults)! We have to train them.

When the child is at home and calm, you can explain your goals and what you are going to do to reach them, then be consistent and AUTHORITATIVE and KIND. They know you love them and they know you mean business. You can even play pretend, where the two of you practice. My kids know that orderly behavior is more fun than being unruly. To the point that they correct each other's behavior.

Specifically regarding tantrums, they are allowed one second of trantruming. Once they hit the floor, it's "that is unacceptable. Get off the floor." No emotions, no explainations, no coddling, no yelling, just demand, with the expectation of immediate compliance. And they can do it because they are not so overwhelmed by the emotion of five minutes of tantrum plus being yelled at by their parent, who looks as panicked as they are. Once they can do it at home, they can do it outside. This is very EMPOWERING for you and the child. The child learns he can have control over his strong emotions and the parent learns not to be manipulated by a child who has learned trantrums get the bubbles/attention/power over their parent. Win-win.

Needless to say, they figure out fairly quickly that tantrums are pointless and don't bother with that strategy. (Then you get the annoyed faces, but we're working on that ;-).

Hope this helps.

Training is totally under utilized. For instance, if you have a problem area (darting off) take your kid to a mall when you don't have anything to get there and make a game out of having the kid control the behavior with your attention and feedback. The kid gets to figure out cues and you get to try control techniques so, when you're actually in the situation, you both are prepared.

It is underutilized in our society, partly, I think because everyone is so tired from the pace of modern life, that reacting is all they have time for. But it's still important to do, and makes discipline a joy, not a pain. It's also been beneficial to me, making me discipline myself better as well. I think it's also helpful, for a parent who is struggling with their child's behavior, that it gets better and easier the longer you do it, and can move on to more advanced strategies or tackling harder behaviors as they get better at behaving and listening to you. There is hope!

VeryKatie

Great job not giving her what she wanted. Next step is to set up a discipline plan for when she has tantrums. Eg. time out in a corner (this one is good because it can be done immediately and there are corners everywhere. Personally I like this better than taking something away - like a bed time story - because she's too young to understand long term consequences). It will take time but she will learn that she can't just throw a tantrum in public and get away with it. Of course... you'll have to stand in the corner behind her haha. Time-out for both of you! Haha.

However, your leaving the store might have had a similar effect - kind of like "Are you going to keep making a scene? Then you can't be here any more" - assuming she enjoys the grocery store.

MelsAuntie

Honesty may hurt, but I will not withhold it simply because you don't like what I have to say. The OP illustrates the point that NOBODY here (this includes parents) is an expert on raising children.

My point may have stung (ok, it definitely stung... a lot if someone didn't know themselves very well), yet it is absolutely valid.

Dude, you're giving parenting advice and your profile talks about hoping to find a girlfriend.

Honesty hurts.

Being childfree is a qualification for any girlfriend, and I'm up front about that from the beginning. I've turned down women who had or wanted kids in the past and will continue to do so.

I'm sure you're a catch

For women who don't want kids - and there are plenty of us - he probably is.

There certainly are plenty of women who have exciting, fulfilling and happy lives without wanting to be a slave to a needy baby.

SunofaBeach14

Honesty may hurt, but I will not withhold it simply because you don't like what I have to say. The OP illustrates the point that NOBODY here (this includes parents) is an expert on raising children.

My point may have stung (ok, it definitely stung... a lot if someone didn't know themselves very well), yet it is absolutely valid.

Dude, you're giving parenting advice and your profile talks about hoping to find a girlfriend.

Honesty hurts.

Being childfree is a qualification for any girlfriend, and I'm up front about that from the beginning. I've turned down women who had or wanted kids in the past and will continue to do so.

I'm sure you're a catch

For women who don't want kids - and there are plenty of us - he probably is.

There certainly are plenty of women who have exciting, fulfilling and happy lives without wanting to be a slave to a needy baby.

And the world is grateful

Mikkimeow

I just want to know if you've been to the grocery store again since this thread started....

haha I totally did. No tantrum!

vmlabute

I'm a single mom of a 3 yo and I completely understand that you have to take the little one EVERYWHERE. When my little guy throws a tantrum out in public or anywhere else, I simply tell him "bye, I'm leaving now" and he will come running after my, still screaming ofcourse, but he is so busy focusing on following me he eventually calms down and forgets about "the toy"

Pipsg1rl

I just want to know if you've been to the grocery store again since this thread started....

haha I totally did. No tantrum!

Heck yeah! That's what I like to hear

rml_16

Temperament definitely can be a factor and that is a very valid point. My 2 are completely opposite - my daughter is outgoing and social, wants to please everyone, and my son is the retrospective "sensitive" one who is also much more stubborn than she is.

However, with my kids at least, I know it isn't just temperament. The biggest reason I know this is that my son has tantrums with his father. I've witnessed them. The last one I saw with my own eyes was about 6 months ago - and he just turned 7 2 days ago. Just doesn't happen in my house.

Temperament aside, there are enough strategies that will work on any type of child, that tantrums don't have to be the "normal necessity" they are claimed to be by some.

Your son is still having tantrums at 7 years old?

This makes my point -- while parenting is an issue, you really don't have the answers. Mine had tantrums usually when she was getting sick, but she didn't have a single tantrum past the age of 3. With anyone. Ever.

odusgolp

Is this thing still going??

tr3kkie9rl

Temperament definitely can be a factor and that is a very valid point. My 2 are completely opposite - my daughter is outgoing and social, wants to please everyone, and my son is the retrospective "sensitive" one who is also much more stubborn than she is.

However, with my kids at least, I know it isn't just temperament. The biggest reason I know this is that my son has tantrums with his father. I've witnessed them. The last one I saw with my own eyes was about 6 months ago - and he just turned 7 2 days ago. Just doesn't happen in my house.

Temperament aside, there are enough strategies that will work on any type of child, that tantrums don't have to be the "normal necessity" they are claimed to be by some.

Your son is still having tantrums at 7 years old?

This makes my point -- while parenting is an issue, you really don't have the answers. Mine had tantrums usually when she was getting sick, but she didn't have a single tantrum past the age of 3. With anyone. Ever.

My point is that the tantrums don't happen in my house, or in my presence. He also doesn't live with me full time, so I don't have as much influence on his emotional state as I would like. I have absolutely no control over what happens with his other parent. And I've never said I don't have all the answers, just trying to share the ones I know that do work.

MyChocolateDiet

Is this thing still going??

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: sersly.

spank or don't spank. choose. those are the only two options.

rml_16

My point is that the tantrums don't happen in my house, or in my presence. He also doesn't live with me full time, so I don't have as much influence on his emotional state as I would like. I have absolutely no control over what happens with his other parent. And I've never said I don't have all the answers, just trying to share the ones I know that do work.

Right. You've taught him not to throw tantrums with you, but not not to throw tantrums.

He's 7. Aside from some kind of emotional or other disorder, that's very old to be throwing tantrums at all.

I took issue with you coming into this thread and telling everyone how much better of a parent you are because your kids don't throw tantrums because you knew all the right things to do. And that clearly isn't true. One of our responsibilities as parents is to teach children how to behave in the world, away from us. If they behave in your home, but not in others' homes, they haven't learned that lesson.

Doesn't make you a bad parent. Just proves you aren't quite as superior a parent as you think. We all have our struggles and outside of outright neglect or abuse or being overly permissive (a form of neglect), no one has the answer that will work for everyone else. We all have our struggles and personal issues with our children. You just have different ones from some of the people responding here.

ttcbelieve

My mother had a warning system. She would give 1 warning. If after warning my siblings the tantrum continued, we left the store/mall/restaurant. Very often, my mom was alone at the grocery store with the 3 of us and she had to step outside while her full cart waited for her inside. She would sit outside with us and wait. And wait. No toys. No conversation. No reasoning. Just waiting. Eventually, without any more fuel, the tantrumer knocked it off. She would ask if we were ready to go back into the store. She would wait until we said "yes, mom." Then we went back in.

Thanks for this methodology. I like it and will use it

tr3kkie9rl

My point is that the tantrums don't happen in my house, or in my presence. He also doesn't live with me full time, so I don't have as much influence on his emotional state as I would like. I have absolutely no control over what happens with his other parent. And I've never said I don't have all the answers, just trying to share the ones I know that do work.

Right. You've taught him not to throw tantrums with you, but not not to throw tantrums.

He's 7. Aside from some kind of emotional or other disorder, that's very old to be throwing tantrums at all.

I took issue with you coming into this thread and telling everyone how much better of a parent you are because your kids don't throw tantrums because you knew all the right things to do. And that clearly isn't true. One of our responsibilities as parents is to teach children how to behave in the world, away from us. If they behave in your home, but not in others' homes, they haven't learned that lesson.

Doesn't make you a bad parent. Just proves you aren't quite as superior a parent as you think. We all have our struggles and outside of outright neglect or abuse or being overly permissive (a form of neglect), no one has the answer that will work for everyone else. We all have our struggles and personal issues with our children. You just have different ones from some of the people responding here.

I've never said I'm a better parent or superior to anyone and I don't think that. I apologize if I made anyone feel that way. What I said is that I've been lucky enough to live with someone who knows how to deal with kids really really well, and I've learned some things from him. He works with the most difficult kids you could imagine - kids who have seen their family members shot, kids who try to commit suidice (at age 4 and 5 - this is preschool we're talking about), kids whose parents are more often than not drug addicts and/or gang members. He also has completely "normal" kids who don't have those issues, and having seen what he does firsthand, I assure you there are strategies that will work on any child if they are implemented correctly. I honestly am not the expert here, he is. I am simply trying to share things that I've learned from him.

As I stated, I can't control what happens when my son is with his dad. As I also stated, I don't have him full time, so I don't have as much influence on his behavior as I would like to. The OP asked "how do you handle tantrums" and I tried to give my input. That's all. I'm sorry if it offended anyone.

tr3kkie9rl

I feel like I came off all wrong in my posts... I need to work on my communication skills. My kids aren't perfect (neither am I, for sure!), they fight with each other and can be just as "bratty" as any other kid at times. I apologize to anyone who thought I was implying I'm a better parent than you.

ingehooper

Mine are experts lol they are 3 and 2 year old boys and cant throw mega strops! I start by trying to calm them down and talk sense into them then if they keep being naughty I just say " naughty boys dont get any attention - mummy cant see naughty boys" and they pout and give up lol

veganbettie

I feel like I came off all wrong in my posts... I need to work on my communication skills. My kids aren't perfect (neither am I, for sure!), they fight with each other and can be just as "bratty" as any other kid at times. I apologize to anyone who thought I was implying I'm a better parent than you.

I don't know what you're so worried about. You sounded polite, generous and reasonably pleasant to me, despite the provocative spirit of this thread. I'm not a parent but I can spot a sanctimommy a mile away and you don't seem to be one. :flowerforyou:

I agree, I think you were fine. It's hard to get the point across on the internets and everything can be taking wrong.

I was thinking about this, and I try to follow what you do as well, doesn't always work...

but my thinking also is, if you don't let your children tantrum once in a while and work through those feelings, how are they ever going to learn to work through those feelings? Things aren't always going to be handled in a timely manner in real life. When your kid grows up or goes to school they are going to have days where their needs aren't necessarily going to be met. What's going to happen then?

When my son struggles with something...like getting his shoes on and off, something he does in the car, he FREAKS out and screams and yells "Help Mom Mom! Help!!" And I'm driving, so I can't really help him....I'm not going to pull over to help him either, I know he is safe and okay and everything, so I tell him, "it's okay honey, you can figure it out" and I try talk him through it, generally it calms him down, but I think it's important to let your kid get frustrated once in a while so they can learn how to handle their frustration because life is FULL of it.