How do you handle tantrums?
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I think you are confusing "spanking" with "hitting". We have spanked our children. Hitting them is a big NO NO!! A spank happens when they cannot make the choice of obedience. It's done for the child's sake, not as a vent for parental anger/frustration. Spanking is done by a non-angry parent, in private, in order to build the child's character.Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.
Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs
Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.
Could be.
We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.
As I told another poster in this thread, "I don't think truly small children see a difference [between spanking and hitting], even with light spanking."0 -
My mum dumped a bucket of water on in the middle of december while I was busy having a fit.
I was 2.
Never again.
That is now known as the ALS challenge.
That is exactly what I was going to say!0 -
Simply to answer the topic question - Dont have kids. 0 -
That was a metaphor.
Yeah, I get that. It was a really bad one.Otherwise, you can do whatever you find works with your kids. Just remember that my perspective is coming from someone who is giving the death stare not because I really care what does or doesn't work - I just want to see you trying SOMETHING that will protect my eardrums (and in the OP's case, that will not result in me slipping on something the kid threw on the floor). Quite frankly, if you cannot control your kids, the best thing is not to bring them to the store with you in the first place. If that is not an option, find something that works. I really don't care what it is. If it is spanking, fine. If ignoring the tantrum gets them to stop throwing a tantrum, then do that. If ignoring the kid (different than ignoring the tantrum) works, then do it. If nothing works, then start handing out earplugs to everyone around.
Ignoring is doing something, which you actually point out in your suggested list of actions. Right before "start handing out earplugs". Contradict yourself much?
What I wrote was, "... find something that works... if ignoring the tantrum gets them to stop throwing a tantrum, then do that." In other words, my first comment was that it won't work., and yet you (and others) claim that I don't know what I'm talking about. If that is true, and if you really do know what you are talking about, then do it. If it works, then do it. If you do it and it does not work, then I'm going to give you the death stare. I'm conceding that if ignoring the tantrum works, then for God's sake, do it! If you know more than I do, and you can get it to stop, then get it to stop. It doesn't matter how, use the tool that works. If ignoring it doesn't work, then I'm going to be upset that you brought your brat kid out to the store while I'm trying to shop and then I'll be upset again when it appears you won't deal with it when it's throwing a fit.
So what I'm saying is: You changed my mind. Originally, I thought there was no way that ignoring a tantrum would work. You've convinced me that it is a viable option, in some cases, with some kids. I'm a reasonable person, and can be persuaded with reason. I don't think that means I'm contradictory... it just means that I'm flexible.0 -
I work retail, so I see parents ignore meltdowns so often that I want to shake them....the parents that is, for talking on their cellphone instead of calming their children, and for giving me a bloody headache! That said, I read an article once where the approach to meltdowns is to talk to the child in "toddler-speak". As in small sentences to help the child express how they're feeling, and to resolve the issue on your end. I have to find that article, but I intend to try that approach when I decide to spawn a young one of my own.
Also, I don't believe in spanking, no matter what age. It's ESPECIALLY wrong to spank an 18 month old baby who doesn't understand what the spanking is about. Meltdowns happen because their brains are rapidly developing and well, it's kind of like a computer processing too much information at once. They're feeling things and don't know how to express what they're feeling properly.0 -
Simply to answer the topic question - Dont have kids.
Yes, that is the best choice. It's too late for the OP for that... so let's help her not make a second poor choice and bring her mayhem-causing kid out into the world where the rest of us must live also.
*By the way, if a grocery store that did not allow kids were to open in my neighborhood, I would shop there... even if the prices were 15% higher.0 -
That was a metaphor.
Yeah, I get that. It was a really bad one.Otherwise, you can do whatever you find works with your kids. Just remember that my perspective is coming from someone who is giving the death stare not because I really care what does or doesn't work - I just want to see you trying SOMETHING that will protect my eardrums (and in the OP's case, that will not result in me slipping on something the kid threw on the floor). Quite frankly, if you cannot control your kids, the best thing is not to bring them to the store with you in the first place. If that is not an option, find something that works. I really don't care what it is. If it is spanking, fine. If ignoring the tantrum gets them to stop throwing a tantrum, then do that. If ignoring the kid (different than ignoring the tantrum) works, then do it. If nothing works, then start handing out earplugs to everyone around.
Ignoring is doing something, which you actually point out in your suggested list of actions. Right before "start handing out earplugs". Contradict yourself much?
What I wrote was, "... find something that works... if ignoring the tantrum gets them to stop throwing a tantrum, then do that." In other words, my first comment was that it won't work., and yet you (and others) claim that I don't know what I'm talking about. If that is true, and if you really do know what you are talking about, then do it. If it works, then do it. If you do it and it does not work, then I'm going to give you the death stare. I'm conceding that if ignoring the tantrum works, then for God's sake, do it! If you know more than I do, and you can get it to stop, then get it to stop. It doesn't matter how, use the tool that works. If ignoring it doesn't work, then I'm going to be upset that you brought your brat kid out to the store while I'm trying to shop and then I'll be upset again when it appears you won't deal with it when it's throwing a fit.
So what I'm saying is: You changed my mind. Originally, I thought there was no way that ignoring a tantrum would work. You've convinced me that it is a viable option, in some cases, with some kids. I'm a reasonable person, and can be persuaded with reason. I don't think that means I'm contradictory... it just means that I'm flexible.
You have to let the tantrum run its course. Ignoring isn't going to immediately stop the child from throwing the tantrum, they're in hysterics at that point. Which means I'll be ignoring it to prevent future tantrums, meanwhile you'll think I'm doing nothing and judge my parenting skills based on your assumptions. My response to your insistence to "do something" is to quickly remove the child from the situation, which I already stated. That would likely fit your expectations, but it's not always possible to take that action immediately.
I happen to think that you should just avoid as much as possible being around children and mind your own business.0 -
There is a lot of training that can be accomplished without a spanking, for sure. And there is something accomplished by a spanking that nothing else can do! As for the age of the child, certainly not an infant, but when they get up into toddlerhood, it might need to happen! I had one daughter who rarely needed any correction, it was amazing. She is still like that...super cheerful, busy doing what she's supposed to, super active. The rest have all needed some here and there, but by the time they get to about 4-5yo, it's a rare for them to need one.
I think you are confusing "spanking" with "hitting". We have spanked our children. Hitting them is a big NO NO!! A spank happens when they cannot make the choice of obedience. It's done for the child's sake, not as a vent for parental anger/frustration. Spanking is done by a non-angry parent, in private, in order to build the child's character.Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.
Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs
Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.
Could be.
We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.
As I told another poster in this thread, "I don't think truly small children see a difference [between spanking and hitting], even with light spanking."0 -
GRUMPY GRUMPY!!:noway: Simply to answer the topic question - Dont have kids.
Yes, that is the best choice. It's too late for the OP for that... so let's help her not make a second poor choice and bring her mayhem-causing kid out into the world where the rest of us must live also.
*By the way, if a grocery store that did not allow kids were to open in my neighborhood, I would shop there... even if the prices were 15% higher.0 -
it's interesting how much your opinions on raising a child changes once you actually have a child.....
I used to totally believe in spanking before I had my son. Now I just find it wrong. It may work for some families, but not mine. At least not at this point....There has to be better ways.0 -
There is a lot of training that can be accomplished without a spanking, for sure. And there is something accomplished by a spanking that nothing else can do! As for the age of the child, certainly not an infant, but when they get up into toddlerhood, it might need to happen! I had one daughter who rarely needed any correction, it was amazing. She is still like that...super cheerful, busy doing what she's supposed to, super active. The rest have all needed some here and there, but by the time they get to about 4-5yo, it's a rare for them to need one.
I think you are confusing "spanking" with "hitting". We have spanked our children. Hitting them is a big NO NO!! A spank happens when they cannot make the choice of obedience. It's done for the child's sake, not as a vent for parental anger/frustration. Spanking is done by a non-angry parent, in private, in order to build the child's character.Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.
Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs
Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.
Could be.
We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.
As I told another poster in this thread, "I don't think truly small children see a difference [between spanking and hitting], even with light spanking."
What, specifically, does spanking do that nothing else does?0 -
Book: 1,2,3 Magic. My kids are 14 months apart in age. This has always worked and I started it when they were about 18 months each. No reaction is the best reaction or she will push and push every time. Remember that judge-y people in the store are going to look at you no matter what you are doing or she is doing because they are judge-y. You are her mom, she is your daughter, and everyone else should mind their own business as long as she's not throwing glass bottles at people:)0
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I work retail, so I see parents ignore meltdowns so often that I want to shake them....the parents that is, for talking on their cellphone instead of calming their children, and for giving me a bloody headache! That said, I read an article once where the approach to meltdowns is to talk to the child in "toddler-speak". As in small sentences to help the child express how they're feeling, and to resolve the issue on your end. I have to find that article, but I intend to try that approach when I decide to spawn a young one of my own.
Also, I don't believe in spanking, no matter what age. It's ESPECIALLY wrong to spank an 18 month old baby who doesn't understand what the spanking is about. Meltdowns happen because their brains are rapidly developing and well, it's kind of like a computer processing too much information at once. They're feeling things and don't know how to express what they're feeling properly.
As I said above, I would agree that for this age range, spanking isn't the way to go. I can also respect a personal belief that spanking is never the way to go, for you (similar to choosing veg***ism). I'll go strait up a wall when comments go to judging parents who *do* choose to spank.
I work with high school age students and up, I've seen the results from parents who do spank and parents who never spank, BOTH can have their issues, but to be perfectly honest, I see more problems coming up in kids who never received a spanking vs. kids whose parents make the contentious decision to include spanking in their child's discipline.
Honestly, I think it's very similar to the dietary arguments you see on here often. No-spanking is fashionable right now, as a disciplinary technique it CAN be done quite effectively, BUT there are a lot of parents who have just been told it's *wrong* to spank their children without ever being educated on what would be an effective alternative....
No joke, I have had to sit parents down in parent teacher conferences and explain to them what their rights are concerning their child and their ability to discipline them. They are 100% convinced that ANY attempt to enforce discipline could result in having their child removed from the home.0 -
Rely on distraction or remove yourselves from the offending area.
At that age, kids have no ability to filter their emotions--whatever they feel comes out whether they want it to or not. This is a function of their physiology--those brain circuits that will allow them to resist their emotions and behave have not yet been constructed.
Toddlers are not wired to be able to NOT act out their emotions, so make sure you don't punish them for being toddlers. You can comment that you don't like how they are behaving, so that as they acquire the ability to behave they know when they should use it. But your only option is to either distract them from or remove them from their trigger.
Or so say the medical texts. I didn't have kids so I'm not speaking from experience--just knowledge of physiology.
It's a little like training cats. Distract, redirect, remove from access. Inconvenient but humane and effective.0 -
What, specifically, does spanking do that nothing else does?
I threw hot coffee in my mother's lap when I was three because she wasn't paying attention to me. By the age of six if my parents failed to convince me with their reasoning, then clearly I knew better than them and could ignore whatever they told me to do. I regularly DID ignore what they told me to do, throughout early elementary school. I wandered through the woods by myself, snuck out of the house, pretty much did what I wanted if I thought I could get away with it. The ONLY thing that made me think twice was getting a spanking, I HATED that and not even really because it hurt. My parents tried time out etc. when I was little, I just got up and left if I was angry enough, so what were they supposed to do then? Physically hold me down?
Look, I get it, I really do. I think for probably 95% of kids no spanking works. It certainly did with my brother, he hated being in trouble. It just didn't work with me.0 -
I find them quite cathartic and highly recommend them.0
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You might try other means to correct, doesn't work, give them a spanking on the next occurrence and they get the lesson (for example).
There is a lot of training that can be accomplished without a spanking, for sure. And there is something accomplished by a spanking that nothing else can do! As for the age of the child, certainly not an infant, but when they get up into toddlerhood, it might need to happen! I had one daughter who rarely needed any correction, it was amazing. She is still like that...super cheerful, busy doing what she's supposed to, super active. The rest have all needed some here and there, but by the time they get to about 4-5yo, it's a rare for them to need one.
I think you are confusing "spanking" with "hitting". We have spanked our children. Hitting them is a big NO NO!! A spank happens when they cannot make the choice of obedience. It's done for the child's sake, not as a vent for parental anger/frustration. Spanking is done by a non-angry parent, in private, in order to build the child's character.Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.
Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs
Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.
Could be.
We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.
As I told another poster in this thread, "I don't think truly small children see a difference [between spanking and hitting], even with light spanking."
What, specifically, does spanking do that nothing else does?0 -
one of the problems with spankings though is (at least in my experience) parents very seldom do it right. Doing it out of anger, misplaced anger, doing it without an explanation to the child....etc.....
No matter how you choose to parent you really need to make sure you're consistent with your follow through. You threaten something? spankings, or time out...you make sure you do it. You say no one time? You better say no the next time.
that said...follow through is HARD.0 -
How about leaving her at home with your husband or partner? If that is not an option distract her with a toy you brought with you from home. If all else fails...leave. Then again, see my first comment, leave her at home, and shop quickly and effectively without your child.0
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Yes, I agree. If you see a parent spanking, it's not done right because it should be done in private, not publicly. With small children, training at home is key; with my older children, I could tell them that their behavior had earned them an at-home spanking. Yes, follow-through is HARD, and a commitment of self-sacrificing love on the part of the parent.one of the problems with spankings though is (at least in my experience) parents very seldom do it right. Doing it out of anger, misplaced anger, doing it without an explanation to the child....etc.....
No matter how you choose to parent you really need to make sure you're consistent with your follow through. You threaten something? spankings, or time out...you make sure you do it. You say no one time? You better say no the next time.
that said...follow through is HARD.0
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