How do you handle tantrums?
Replies
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I've taken my kids into nicer restaurants since they were toddlers. I have never had a problem with them or anyone else. Sure, a true Michelin 3-Star no, but kids have too eat too and when I'm traveling there's little choice. Besides, my kids are better behaved than many adults.
I think that's great. My parents took me out a lot, too. And when I do see kids behaving in a restaurant, I'll be the first to acknowledge it and even comment about how great your kids are...
But if there is a choice and you have one nice restaurant that is childfree next to one that is not child free, are you going to be offended? To me that's like someone being offended at sports bars because sports are on and they don't like sports.
I truly don't care, but the restaurant that turns me away with kids will be one I don't come back to with clients. And please, don't come up to me and talk about my kids in a restaurant unless I know you. It's patronizing and rude and my kids don't need your validation. I think the biggest lesson in all of this is people should mind their own business. I do what benefits my family and me and I don't seek or need anyone's permission. If you don't like my kids, tough luck. There are plenty of people whom I find rude and obnoxious and they certainly are not limited to children. I can't change them so I just avoid them.
Wow. You're so friendly, today.
For the record, the people I talked to had a really cool kid that picked my napkin up for me when I dropped it. Jesus Christ, lighten up.0 -
I've taken my kids into nicer restaurants since they were toddlers. I have never had a problem with them or anyone else. Sure, a true Michelin 3-Star no, but kids have too eat too and when I'm traveling there's little choice. Besides, my kids are better behaved than many adults.
I think that's great. My parents took me out a lot, too. And when I do see kids behaving in a restaurant, I'll be the first to acknowledge it and even comment about how great your kids are...
But if there is a choice and you have one nice restaurant that is childfree next to one that is not child free, are you going to be offended? To me that's like someone being offended at sports bars because sports are on and they don't like sports.
I truly don't care, but the restaurant that turns me away with kids will be one I don't come back to with clients. And please, don't come up to me and talk about my kids in a restaurant unless I know you. It's patronizing and rude and my kids don't need your validation. I think the biggest lesson in all of this is people should mind their own business. I do what benefits my family and me and I don't seek or need anyone's permission. If you don't like my kids, tough luck. There are plenty of people whom I find rude and obnoxious and they certainly are not limited to children. I can't change them so I just avoid them.
But... it's just someone complimenting you/your kids. Not trying to be patronizing.0 -
there is an advert on in the UK where the kids starts and the Mom throws herself on the floor having a paddy herself ... once shocked kid ... not sure if this works in RL but I would love to see it.
BTW not a parent0 -
I've taken my kids into nicer restaurants since they were toddlers. I have never had a problem with them or anyone else. Sure, a true Michelin 3-Star no, but kids have too eat too and when I'm traveling there's little choice. Besides, my kids are better behaved than many adults.
I think that's great. My parents took me out a lot, too. And when I do see kids behaving in a restaurant, I'll be the first to acknowledge it and even comment about how great your kids are...
But if there is a choice and you have one nice restaurant that is childfree next to one that is not child free, are you going to be offended? To me that's like someone being offended at sports bars because sports are on and they don't like sports.
I truly don't care, but the restaurant that turns me away with kids will be one I don't come back to with clients. And please, don't come up to me and talk about my kids in a restaurant unless I know you. It's patronizing and rude and my kids don't need your validation. I think the biggest lesson in all of this is people should mind their own business. I do what benefits my family and me and I don't seek or need anyone's permission. If you don't like my kids, tough luck. There are plenty of people whom I find rude and obnoxious and they certainly are not limited to children. I can't change them so I just avoid them.
But... it's just someone complimenting you/your kids. Not trying to be patronizing.
Some people just look for things to be pissed about. God forbid we live in a society that says "Hey, thanks for picking up my napkin! Hey you - your kid is pretty cool with that chivalry of his." I mean, the horror!0 -
Seriously child free places???!!!!! People have kids, kids throw tantrums and the world doesn't stop. You do the best you can with your child because it will end and they will grow up and you will miss the tantrums.
I don't see a problem with child-free restaurants and I think kids are great. But, when parents bring kids to fancy restaurants (especially at a time when they KNOW their kids should be in bed) and there's a tantrum and the parents don't walk out, it's frustrating. If I'm going out at 8pm to a nice restaurant that's going to cost me a lot of money, it's reasonable for me to expect that there won't be children running around. There are plenty of great family restaurants for younger kids - they would be happier there anyway.
While banning seems a bit harsh, I definitely agree that people should not be bringing overtired cranky toddlers to fancy restaurants. Tip, if they don't have kids menu, there is a reason for that. lol
I guess I don't see this as banning. Child-free restaurants as just another option among a long list of eating out options. It's just catering to one niche of people that is their target audience. I guess I see it as a business strategy, or a value proposition to the people they are marketing towards.
Maybe there is a stigma attached to the word ban, Child free restaurant sounds perfectly fine. Plenty of non parents or even parents looking to get away can enjoy some peace and quiet.
Child free restaurant?
You mean a bar...
but for real, regardless what other patrons/forever alone dudebros do (death stare, belly ache, etc) it's not going to stop a kid throwing a tantrum...0 -
I've taken my kids into nicer restaurants since they were toddlers. I have never had a problem with them or anyone else. Sure, a true Michelin 3-Star no, but kids have too eat too and when I'm traveling there's little choice. Besides, my kids are better behaved than many adults.
I think that's great. My parents took me out a lot, too. And when I do see kids behaving in a restaurant, I'll be the first to acknowledge it and even comment about how great your kids are...
But if there is a choice and you have one nice restaurant that is childfree next to one that is not child free, are you going to be offended? To me that's like someone being offended at sports bars because sports are on and they don't like sports.
I truly don't care, but the restaurant that turns me away with kids will be one I don't come back to with clients. And please, don't come up to me and talk about my kids in a restaurant unless I know you. It's patronizing and rude and my kids don't need your validation. I think the biggest lesson in all of this is people should mind their own business. I do what benefits my family and me and I don't seek or need anyone's permission. If you don't like my kids, tough luck. There are plenty of people whom I find rude and obnoxious and they certainly are not limited to children. I can't change them so I just avoid them.
Wow. You're so friendly, today.
For the record, the people I talked to had a really cool kid that picked my napkin up for me when I dropped it. Jesus Christ, lighten up.
Yea, that came off as way crankier than I intended. I just don't like having meals interrupted and I don't want my kids thinking that they're doing anything unusual when they're behaving0 -
but for real, regardless what other patrons/forever alone dudebros do (death stare, belly ache, etc) it's not going to stop a kid throwing a tantrum...
:laugh:
In my experience, adults who openly complain about kids throwing tantrums are quick to throw them if they don't get their ways.
One of these I find far more pathetic than the other.0 -
but for real, regardless what other patrons/forever alone dudebros do (death stare, belly ache, etc) it's not going to stop a kid throwing a tantrum...
:laugh:
+1. I might have to use dudebros from now on.0 -
I've taken my kids into nicer restaurants since they were toddlers. I have never had a problem with them or anyone else. Sure, a true Michelin 3-Star no, but kids have too eat too and when I'm traveling there's little choice. Besides, my kids are better behaved than many adults.
I think that's great. My parents took me out a lot, too. And when I do see kids behaving in a restaurant, I'll be the first to acknowledge it and even comment about how great your kids are...
But if there is a choice and you have one nice restaurant that is childfree next to one that is not child free, are you going to be offended? To me that's like someone being offended at sports bars because sports are on and they don't like sports.
I truly don't care, but the restaurant that turns me away with kids will be one I don't come back to with clients. And please, don't come up to me and talk about my kids in a restaurant unless I know you. It's patronizing and rude and my kids don't need your validation. I think the biggest lesson in all of this is people should mind their own business. I do what benefits my family and me and I don't seek or need anyone's permission. If you don't like my kids, tough luck. There are plenty of people whom I find rude and obnoxious and they certainly are not limited to children. I can't change them so I just avoid them.
But... it's just someone complimenting you/your kids. Not trying to be patronizing.
I've had it happen enough where it has become annoying. I don't walk up to you while you're eating and compliment your dress. Obviously, there are normal interactions but don't interrupt a stranger's meal.
ETA: of course, for you, Odus, I might. The thing is my oldest is smart enough to go, "see daddy, we're perfect, can we have two desserts?" when this happens.0 -
I've taken my kids into nicer restaurants since they were toddlers. I have never had a problem with them or anyone else. Sure, a true Michelin 3-Star no, but kids have too eat too and when I'm traveling there's little choice. Besides, my kids are better behaved than many adults.
I think that's great. My parents took me out a lot, too. And when I do see kids behaving in a restaurant, I'll be the first to acknowledge it and even comment about how great your kids are...
But if there is a choice and you have one nice restaurant that is childfree next to one that is not child free, are you going to be offended? To me that's like someone being offended at sports bars because sports are on and they don't like sports.
I truly don't care, but the restaurant that turns me away with kids will be one I don't come back to with clients. And please, don't come up to me and talk about my kids in a restaurant unless I know you. It's patronizing and rude and my kids don't need your validation. I think the biggest lesson in all of this is people should mind their own business. I do what benefits my family and me and I don't seek or need anyone's permission. If you don't like my kids, tough luck. There are plenty of people whom I find rude and obnoxious and they certainly are not limited to children. I can't change them so I just avoid them.
Wow. You're so friendly, today.
For the record, the people I talked to had a really cool kid that picked my napkin up for me when I dropped it. Jesus Christ, lighten up.
Yea, that came off as way crankier than I intended. I just don't like having meals interrupted and I don't want my kids thinking that they're doing anything unusual when they're behaving
Now that I can understand. I would never interrupt someone's meal. I may smile sometimes though because kids are cute. I was out the other day and a young girl - maybe 5, I don't know - ordered escargot with authority! Color me impressed. I had to laugh a little.0 -
Child-free restaurants, on the other hand, have a much better opportunity.
If only. There must be some out there? Oh wait. There would be daytime talk shows featuring the controversy, with all the outraged screaming protests and such and I haven't seen any yet. But if such a place exists in the US, maybe someone can make a thread about it?
They are out there and, yes, they received quite the backlash. There are also 18+ hotels/resorts.0 -
I don't have kids but my mom has mentioned that she did this exact thing with me in stores. Worked for her as well.when my kids had tantrums I would walk away from them and ignore them. nine times out of ten they would stop to come look for me. IF it got too our of hand I would say nothing and just scoop them up and put them in their room and close the door. I never gave in. I would even do this at the store, of course I would just hide around the corner but kids wont do stupid crap for too long if only strangers are staring at them. Worked everytime for me. :laugh: There were many times that people would be like who's kid is that? and I would join them in their comments and be like I don't know, wonder where his mom is. Hahah... my kids hated that more than anything. Made them feel stupid when old ladies were all staring at them. Be patient, they wont be that little for long.0 -
I would remove the child from the situation to a neutral spot, such as outside the store but away from the doors, and wait for the child to cool down. No one should restock the groceries out of your cart since it won't take that long, but if you're concerned you could make some kind of tag from a coat hanger to hang on the cart that says something like "Temper Tantrum, brb" or something.0
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I've taken my kids into nicer restaurants since they were toddlers. I have never had a problem with them or anyone else. Sure, a true Michelin 3-Star no, but kids have too eat too and when I'm traveling there's little choice. Besides, my kids are better behaved than many adults.
I think that's great. My parents took me out a lot, too. And when I do see kids behaving in a restaurant, I'll be the first to acknowledge it and even comment about how great your kids are...
But if there is a choice and you have one nice restaurant that is childfree next to one that is not child free, are you going to be offended? To me that's like someone being offended at sports bars because sports are on and they don't like sports.
I truly don't care, but the restaurant that turns me away with kids will be one I don't come back to with clients. And please, don't come up to me and talk about my kids in a restaurant unless I know you. It's patronizing and rude and my kids don't need your validation. I think the biggest lesson in all of this is people should mind their own business. I do what benefits my family and me and I don't seek or need anyone's permission. If you don't like my kids, tough luck. There are plenty of people whom I find rude and obnoxious and they certainly are not limited to children. I can't change them so I just avoid them.
Wow. You're so friendly, today.
For the record, the people I talked to had a really cool kid that picked my napkin up for me when I dropped it. Jesus Christ, lighten up.
Yea, that came off as way crankier than I intended. I just don't like having meals interrupted and I don't want my kids thinking that they're doing anything unusual when they're behaving
Now that I can understand. I would never interrupt someone's meal. I may smile sometimes though because kids are cute. I was out the other day and a young girl - maybe 5, I don't know - ordered escargot with authority! Color me impressed. I had to laugh a little.
Yup. My oldest has been bellying up to sushi bars with us since she was two.0 -
Child-free restaurants, on the other hand, have a much better opportunity.
If only. There must be some out there? Oh wait. There would be daytime talk shows featuring the controversy, with all the outraged screaming protests and such and I haven't seen any yet. But if such a place exists in the US, maybe someone can make a thread about it?
They are out there and, yes, they received quite the backlash. There are also 18+ hotels/resorts.
Yes, both childfree restaurants in the US received serious upset from parents.
Although one of them was not actually a childfree restaurant, it was an upscale bar that also served food. And it wasn't technically childfree... they just kicked out one kid who was causing problems. Still, it got sooooo much negative attention and comments like, "Of course he is throwing a tantrum, he is a kid.... you should just let him scream and throw food." and "I can't believe this restaurant doesn't like children." The restaurant ended up spending thousands of dollars to satisfy the family and the whining pubic.0 -
I've taken my kids into nicer restaurants since they were toddlers. I have never had a problem with them or anyone else. Sure, a true Michelin 3-Star no, but kids have too eat too and when I'm traveling there's little choice. Besides, my kids are better behaved than many adults.
I think that's great. My parents took me out a lot, too. And when I do see kids behaving in a restaurant, I'll be the first to acknowledge it and even comment about how great your kids are...
But if there is a choice and you have one nice restaurant that is childfree next to one that is not child free, are you going to be offended? To me that's like someone being offended at sports bars because sports are on and they don't like sports.
I truly don't care, but the restaurant that turns me away with kids will be one I don't come back to with clients. And please, don't come up to me and talk about my kids in a restaurant unless I know you. It's patronizing and rude and my kids don't need your validation. I think the biggest lesson in all of this is people should mind their own business. I do what benefits my family and me and I don't seek or need anyone's permission. If you don't like my kids, tough luck. There are plenty of people whom I find rude and obnoxious and they certainly are not limited to children. I can't change them so I just avoid them.
But... it's just someone complimenting you/your kids. Not trying to be patronizing.
I've had it happen enough where it has become annoying. I don't walk up to you while you're eating and compliment your dress. Obviously, there are normal interactions but don't interrupt a stranger's meal.
ETA: of course, for you, Odus, I might. The thing is my oldest is smart enough to go, "see daddy, we're perfect, can we have two desserts?" when this happens.
I talk too much. This is simply a fact. I think IPA has looked at me on a couple occasions now and said... "Really? Did you just do that?" I have issues. *hangs head*0 -
Now that I can understand. I would never interrupt someone's meal. I may smile sometimes though because kids are cute. I was out the other day and a young girl - maybe 5, I don't know - ordered escargot with authority! Color me impressed. I had to laugh a little.
Yup. My oldest has been bellying up to sushi bars with us since she was two.
I somehow now feel as though my child is inadequate. LOL0 -
Now that I can understand. I would never interrupt someone's meal. I may smile sometimes though because kids are cute. I was out the other day and a young girl - maybe 5, I don't know - ordered escargot with authority! Color me impressed. I had to laugh a little.
Yup. My oldest has been bellying up to sushi bars with us since she was two.
I somehow now feel as though my child is inadequate. LOL
geez I FEEL inadequate :laugh:0 -
Now that I can understand. I would never interrupt someone's meal. I may smile sometimes though because kids are cute. I was out the other day and a young girl - maybe 5, I don't know - ordered escargot with authority! Color me impressed. I had to laugh a little.
Yup. My oldest has been bellying up to sushi bars with us since she was two.
I somehow now feel as though my child is inadequate. LOL
Haha. It is pretty cool though. Pretty soon, she'll be ordering hot saki with her unagi. :laugh:
But, seriously, I hope if I have children they eat everything because I am a total foodie.0 -
The restaurant ended up spending thousands of dollars to satisfy the family and the whining pubic.
Litigation nation. Where will we go from here?
No, it never ended up in court, as far as I know. The restaurant paid out before it would come to that. Would it have been successful in court? If before a judge, surely not because there is no sound legal reasoning for the restaurant to pay anything. If before a jury of a bunch of parents.... well, that has nothing to do with the law or reasoning, as evidenced by how it ended in the jury of public opinion.0 -
I've read through all of the responses. Some are very thoughtful, some interesting, and some downright mean! Really - why would someone respond to a thread about handling tantrums if they don't even LIKE children??? That seems a little odd to me.
I am by no means an expert. My experience comes from personal experience of mothering my little boys as well as running a full-time childcare.
One thing I've seen hinted at by a few people here is temperament. I would like to encourage you first that the fact that your little one is throwing a tantrum does NOT mean you're doing anything wrong. You sound like a wonderful and conscientious mother to me. I think the way you handled your little one was beautiful and very nearly how many other wonderful parents would handle the same behavior. Anyways, back to temperament. If the tantrums seem to be happening very often in the way you described, that would tell me that she is persistent - a go getter. Those qualities will serve her well in adulthood. It's not easy to remember that in the moment when it's causing such a headache for mom, but it's absolutely true! As far as temperament goes, my two little boys are raised in the same family with similar expectations and yet they are very different. My oldest, who is now seven, has thrown one public tantrum in his life. ONE!! And it was when he was 3, nearly 4, to boot. I had taken him to a movie theater for the first time, thinking it would be this wonderful experience. Overall it was. He loved it. But on the way out he threw himself on the floor in the middle of the hall where everyone was exiting the theater because he had to potty and I told him he had to go into the ladies room with mommy instead of the men's room. Oh the horror! Luckily I got more understanding looks than evil eye looks. I was nearly 9 months pregnant with my second too! His body was partially blocking the hallway, so of course there I am all pregnant scooping him off the floor and after we take care of his potty business, in the Ladies room, I then carried my kicking and screaming child to the car. Anyone who saw him in that moment could easily think, "Oh, what a brat!" or "He must usually get what he wants" or "Oh my God. She's having another?" Ha! Not so much! When I planned to take him to his first movie with a friend, my pregnant mom brain didn't put two and two together that maybe during nap time isn't the best time to go and also that my oldest son has a tendency to become overstimulated easily. So put together tiredness with the level of stimulation provided by a movie screen and loud sound for the length of the movie, no wonder he had a meltdown!! Clearly, it was a situation where I didn't set him up for success and I learned from that! He's not had a public fit since. Now one might think I'm saying that if a child is set up for success they won't tantrum in public. Hahaha. Nothing could be further from the truth! Enter child number two. He is now 3 and luckily he's gotten less intense in public than he used to be. He's never been terrible, but definitely one to loudly protest in a store when he's not getting his way. Sometimes, depending on what he wants, I can negotiate. "You can't have these cookies. Do you want some grapes?" Sometimes that's not an option for one reason or another and the answer is just, "No. I'm sorry. I know that makes you sad, but mommy says no" and we move along. He is very persistent. That is his temperament. He threw fits at that age because he's persistent, NOT because he's undisciplined.
Some things that I've found to help are as follows:
Acknowledging feelings and offering empathy. This is something that helps more and more the older a child gets. It may not have an immediate result with an 18 month old, but it's still a great parenting habit to get into! And that is a reminder to myself too. It's really easy to forget in the moment when we're frustrated!
IGNORE any dirty looks. Just ignore them. They are not raising your child. They are intolerant people who either have not raised children or have and have rose colored glasses of their experience of what it was like. You don't need to "control" your child for their convenience. They should be controlling their nastiness and moving along with what they're there to do. These people do not see the sweet hugs and kisses at home or the way your child tried to help you fold the laundry the other day, or whatever. They are making a snap judgement of you and your child based on what they see in the moment and they are not worthy of your time or your consideration.
This is specifically to you. You are a single mom. I'm sure that you have very limited time to get your grocery shopping done. I know people have said to leave immediately and come back and finish up. No way. Finish what you're there to do. You have too many other things on your plate to make multiple trips for one grocery list. Don't make your life harder to convenience people who are intolerant of you and your children.
You are going to have to try different things to see what works. Distraction is great, empathy is great, bringing a snack can be great, ignoring the tantrum can be great, finding a corner to give a hug and let them get it out can be great. I don't think any one thing is right all the time for all kids. What works great for someone else's child may not help at all with your child. Do what feels right for you and your child and feel confident in that. There is no one size fits all solution.
And really, your child is 18 months. She is NOT manipulating. She is not being BAD. What she is doing is developmentally normal for her age. I have a daycare for all of kids in my home five days a week and I can tell you I've NEVER cared for a child of that age who didn't have some sort of negative emotional reaction to not getting what they want. Some cry. Some hide in a corner and sulk. Some stomp up and down. Some throw themselves on the floor. Some shriek at the top of their lungs. Some try to hit. Some carry on for a very long time. Some stomp off and are immediately distracted by a toy. These things come down to temperament.
I won't go on and on about spanking, but since it's been mentioned, there a zillion ways to teach boundaries and help your child to become a productive member of society. Children are helpless and dependent on us for their needs. If we hit an elderly person in a nursing home to teach them and "help" them, it is abuse. I don't believe hitting, or spanking as people call it, is a helpful way to teach anything. Neurologically, when a child is hit, they go into fight or flight mode. They are thinking about the fact that they are being hit, NOT about the lesson they should be learning. It feels very scary to a child. It seems to "work" for those who use it because children stop their behavior because they're scared, NOT because they've internalized any sense of moral character as to who they want to be as people. That being said, there are examples of productive people in our society everywhere of people who were spanked as children. I would argue that there were likely mitigating factors in their home. In other words, there were other things in place that helped them to form a positive relationship with their parents. They turned out well in spite of being spanked, not because they were spanked. Anyways, I won't go on anymore, but since it was already mentioned, those are my thoughts.
Anyways, good luck to you. I think based on everything you've written that you will be fine and your daughter is likely one lucky little girl to have you for a mother!0 -
Child-free restaurants, on the other hand, have a much better opportunity.
If only. There must be some out there? Oh wait. There would be daytime talk shows featuring the controversy, with all the outraged screaming protests and such and I haven't seen any yet. But if such a place exists in the US, maybe someone can make a thread about it?
They are out there and, yes, they received quite the backlash. There are also 18+ hotels/resorts.
About misbehaving kids in restaurants though. Kids, including very small kids, must go to restaurants a lot now? And a lot of them don't seem to want to be there.
Our parents took us to a restaurant once a month. It was McDonald's, Burger King or a place called the Hot Shoppe where you slid your tray along some rails, cafeteria style, and paid at the register before you sat down. We were so elated to order fried chicken or burgers and the coveted desserts we were never allowed at home, misbehaving never crossed out minds! It was a treat beyond treat and we loved and enjoyed every minute of it.
I don't think kids have the same attitudes about dining out anymore, because they seem to be out all the time and it's a drag to them.
For the most part, I don't mind kids in restaurants. I do get frustrated when there is a tantrum and they don't take them outside though. I just feel like if it's a nice restaurant with quiet conversation, parents should be considerate. My parents took us to nice places and when I acted up, my Mom took me to the car until I calmed down.
That said, we live in a very diverse world with people who like different things. Niche is everything these days. People are also having children later, if at all, and so there is a larger portion of the population with disposable income who dine out and don't want to be around kids. I don't see a problem with it at all as long as there are options for everyone.
The backlash was pretty ridiculous to me. If an entrepreneur wants to start or have a business that caters to a specific segment of people, let them do it and the market will dictate its success.0 -
I just walk away quietly then have a private crying session in the bathroom.0
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I've read through all of the responses. Some are very thoughtful, some interesting, and some downright mean! Really - why would someone respond to a thread about handling tantrums if they don't even LIKE children??? That seems a little odd to me.
I am by no means an expert. My experience comes from personal experience of mothering my little boys as well as running a full-time childcare.
One thing I've seen hinted at by a few people here is temperament. I would like to encourage you first that the fact that your little one is throwing a tantrum does NOT mean you're doing anything wrong. You sound like a wonderful and conscientious mother to me. I think the way you handled your little one was beautiful and very nearly how many other wonderful parents would handle the same behavior. Anyways, back to temperament. If the tantrums seem to be happening very often in the way you described, that would tell me that she is persistent - a go getter. Those qualities will serve her well in adulthood. It's not easy to remember that in the moment when it's causing such a headache for mom, but it's absolutely true! As far as temperament goes, my two little boys are raised in the same family with similar expectations and yet they are very different. My oldest, who is now seven, has thrown one public tantrum in his life. ONE!! And it was when he was 3, nearly 4, to boot. I had taken him to a movie theater for the first time, thinking it would be this wonderful experience. Overall it was. He loved it. But on the way out he threw himself on the floor in the middle of the hall where everyone was exiting the theater because he had to potty and I told him he had to go into the ladies room with mommy instead of the men's room. Oh the horror! Luckily I got more understanding looks than evil eye looks. I was nearly 9 months pregnant with my second too! His body was partially blocking the hallway, so of course there I am all pregnant scooping him off the floor and after we take care of his potty business, in the Ladies room, I then carried my kicking and screaming child to the car. Anyone who saw him in that moment could easily think, "Oh, what a brat!" or "He must usually get what he wants" or "Oh my God. She's having another?" Ha! Not so much! When I planned to take him to his first movie with a friend, my pregnant mom brain didn't put two and two together that maybe during nap time isn't the best time to go and also that my oldest son has a tendency to become overstimulated easily. So put together tiredness with the level of stimulation provided by a movie screen and loud sound for the length of the movie, no wonder he had a meltdown!! Clearly, it was a situation where I didn't set him up for success and I learned from that! He's not had a public fit since. Now one might think I'm saying that if a child is set up for success they won't tantrum in public. Hahaha. Nothing could be further from the truth! Enter child number two. He is now 3 and luckily he's gotten less intense in public than he used to be. He's never been terrible, but definitely one to loudly protest in a store when he's not getting his way. Sometimes, depending on what he wants, I can negotiate. "You can't have these cookies. Do you want some grapes?" Sometimes that's not an option for one reason or another and the answer is just, "No. I'm sorry. I know that makes you sad, but mommy says no" and we move along. He is very persistent. That is his temperament. He threw fits at that age because he's persistent, NOT because he's undisciplined.
Some things that I've found to help are as follows:
Acknowledging feelings and offering empathy. This is something that helps more and more the older a child gets. It may not have an immediate result with an 18 month old, but it's still a great parenting habit to get into! And that is a reminder to myself too. It's really easy to forget in the moment when we're frustrated!
IGNORE any dirty looks. Just ignore them. They are not raising your child. They are intolerant people who either have not raised children or have and have rose colored glasses of their experience of what it was like. You don't need to "control" your child for their convenience. They should be controlling their nastiness and moving along with what they're there to do. These people do not see the sweet hugs and kisses at home or the way your child tried to help you fold the laundry the other day, or whatever. They are making a snap judgement of you and your child based on what they see in the moment and they are not worthy of your time or your consideration.
This is specifically to you. You are a single mom. I'm sure that you have very limited time to get your grocery shopping done. I know people have said to leave immediately and come back and finish up. No way. Finish what you're there to do. You have too many other things on your plate to make multiple trips for one grocery list. Don't make your life harder to convenience people who are intolerant of you and your children.
You are going to have to try different things to see what works. Distraction is great, empathy is great, bringing a snack can be great, ignoring the tantrum can be great, finding a corner to give a hug and let them get it out can be great. I don't think any one thing is right all the time for all kids. What works great for someone else's child may not help at all with your child. Do what feels right for you and your child and feel confident in that. There is no one size fits all solution.
And really, your child is 18 months. She is NOT manipulating. She is not being BAD. What she is doing is developmentally normal for her age. I have a daycare for all of kids in my home five days a week and I can tell you I've NEVER cared for a child of that age who didn't have some sort of negative emotional reaction to not getting what they want. Some cry. Some hide in a corner and sulk. Some stomp up and down. Some throw themselves on the floor. Some shriek at the top of their lungs. Some try to hit. Some carry on for a very long time. Some stomp off and are immediately distracted by a toy. These things come down to temperament.
I won't go on and on about spanking, but since it's been mentioned, there a zillion ways to teach boundaries and help your child to become a productive member of society. Children are helpless and dependent on us for their needs. If we hit an elderly person in a nursing home to teach them and "help" them, it is abuse. I don't believe hitting, or spanking as people call it, is a helpful way to teach anything. Neurologically, when a child is hit, they go into fight or flight mode. They are thinking about the fact that they are being hit, NOT about the lesson they should be learning. It feels very scary to a child. It seems to "work" for those who use it because children stop their behavior because they're scared, NOT because they've internalized any sense of moral character as to who they want to be as people. That being said, there are examples of productive people in our society everywhere of people who were spanked as children. I would argue that there were likely mitigating factors in their home. In other words, there were other things in place that helped them to form a positive relationship with their parents. They turned out well in spite of being spanked, not because they were spanked. Anyways, I won't go on anymore, but since it was already mentioned, those are my thoughts.
Anyways, good luck to you. I think based on everything you've written that you will be fine and your daughter is likely one lucky little girl to have you for a mother!
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I had kids.
They aren't kids anymore. I made the sacrifices, cried the tears, swelled up with pride (still do that).
I'm glad my days of being a parent (especially a single parent) are over.
Kids throw fits in grocery stores because they want stuff. Anyone who has had kids expects that to happen.
I would absolutely go to a "no kids" restaurant (however, I'd prefer to call it a "no crappy parents" restaurant). I TRY to eat bar / restaurants in hopes that I won't have to be around kids.
I don't hate children. I like many. Some I love dearly.
It's crappy parents that I can't stand.
If it's after 9 PM (or earlier, depending on the child), how can anyone really expect a baby / toddler / young child to be pleasant to be around? That's not ME being a mean person, that's me being someone who actually understands that even a normally sweet, pleasant, well-behaved child can only take so much "tired".
Expecting me to listen to a child get upset because of irresponsible parents is just a selfish poop stain way to be.0 -
My kids behavior in restaurants drives me crazy. It really isn't anything that I think other patrons or even the server would be aware of, I'm just sensitive to it, because I love to go out to eat and would like to do it more often and go to nicer places. We have relatively young kids, 5 and 3, and always ask for a booth. We started this when they were littler because then we could slide them next to the wall and they were effectively trapped and wouldn't climb down and run around. For whatever reason, I think the booth may be partly to blame, they love to stand up and climb on us while we are sitting there, while we are eating, etc.
Now that I think about it, I guess maybe its just the proximity to us, they do the same thing on the couch at home, always climbing on us or each other (lol boys...). At home, when they are at the dinner table, my oldest does look for any chance he can take to get out of his seat (getting a refill, looking out the window to see a bird in a tree, etc). Anyway, I feel like I spend my entire meal just telling them to sit in their spot, stop moving around, eat your food.
I feel like it is a bit of a self fulfilling prophecy though, we went on a restaurant hiatus between the ages of about 11 months to 24 months with both boys because it just wasn't a pleasant experience for us. Now that we are trying to go out again, I feel like we are starting over with teaching them appropriate restaurant behavior. So parents that have well behaved kids in restaurants are partly successful because the kids are used to dining out. We stopped dining out because the kids couldn't behave in restaurants!0 -
The restaurant ended up spending thousands of dollars to satisfy the family and the whining pubic.
Litigation nation. Where will we go from here?
No, it never ended up in court, as far as I know. The restaurant paid out before it would come to that. Would it have been successful in court? If before a judge, surely not because there is no sound legal reasoning for the restaurant to pay anything. If before a jury of a bunch of parents.... well, that has nothing to do with the law or reasoning, as evidenced by how it ended in the jury of public opinion.
I suppose they coughed up the cash out of fear of ultimately going out of business or fear of future litigation. Oh well. As far as the jury of public opinion goes, I'm a woman who has no children and never wanted them. I realize I'm very much in the minority and majority rules.
But it seems like *parents* are just as fed up with *other* *peoples'* brats just as much as childless folk are, which I find sort of amusing.
The whole: It's-other-peoples'-kids-who-don't-act-right-not-mine-oh-except-once-when-he/she-was-hanging-around-with-the-wrong-crowd-he/she-is-a-bit-of-a-follower-you-see-but-we-put-a-stop-to-that. I suppose I'll never have that illuminating and sentimental experience but I'll continue to carry on
That is an interesting observation. I'll add my observation that parents who claim that theirs are well behaved are generally the ones who have the most problems. It is classic "deny the problem" results. If they believe there is no problem, they don't address. If they do not address the problem, then it continues. They continue to tout how great their kids behave, while the opposite continues to be true with increasing distance between perception and reality.0 -
I have three kids an can take them anywhere. They are extremely well behaved, courteous and respectful. There was never a time when they weren't that way. I better just leave it at that.0
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it's interesting how much your opinions on raising a child changes once you actually have a child.....
I used to totally believe in spanking before I had my son. Now I just find it wrong. It may work for some families, but not mine. At least not at this point....There has to be better ways.
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I watched my nieces a lot when they were that age. This is going to sound like a horrible idea, but I only had to do it once for each of them and they never misbehaved in public for me again.
Mock them.
If they throw themselves down on the floor and start kicking and screaming that they want a lollipop then you throw yourself down on the floor right next to them, kicking and screaming that they can't have it. Don't get up/or stop whatever it is you are doing until they've gotten embarrassed enough to start crying and begging you to stop.
If you can put your pride on hold long enough to embarrass them enough, I guarantee they'll think twice before throwing another temper tantrum in public.0
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