How do you handle tantrums?

Kamikazeflutterby

What, specifically, does spanking do that nothing else does?

You might try other means to correct, doesn't work, give them a spanking on the next occurrence and they get the lesson (for example).

This is the opposite of specific.

I wanted to know what lesson can only be taught by spanking. Do you only learn "thou shalt not shoplift" with spanking?

Kamikazeflutterby

What, specifically, does spanking do that nothing else does?

I threw hot coffee in my mother's lap when I was three because she wasn't paying attention to me. By the age of six if my parents failed to convince me with their reasoning, then clearly I knew better than them and could ignore whatever they told me to do. I regularly DID ignore what they told me to do, throughout early elementary school. I wandered through the woods by myself, snuck out of the house, pretty much did what I wanted if I thought I could get away with it. The ONLY thing that made me think twice was getting a spanking, I HATED that and not even really because it hurt. My parents tried time out etc. when I was little, I just got up and left if I was angry enough, so what were they supposed to do then? Physically hold me down?

Look, I get it, I really do. I think for probably 95% of kids no spanking works. It certainly did with my brother, he hated being in trouble. It just didn't work with me.

I don't have a non-sanctimonious sounding way to say this, so bear with me. If a toddler's throwing hot coffee at adults for attention there's probably a long buildup, and many places where the situation could have been handled better. And though the spanking made you think twice, you still snuck out. You still did whatever you wanted if you thought you could get away with it. All spanking taught you was that getting caught sucks.

The truth is, I don't give a crap if other people spank their kids so long as they're not truly abusing them. I'm specifically trying to do things differently with mine because I don't think it teaches children right from wrong. Studies showing that it lowers IQ are just the cherry on top.



Edited to add: my toddler would leave time out when we started doing it. Then I'd put her back. Then she'd leave. Wash, rinse, repeat. One time a two minute time out took ten minutes to complete. Then when she got out of time out, she still had to apologize, specifically say what she was apologizing for, and say she wouldn't do it again. Then she got to clean the crayon drawing off of the wall that started the whole mess (or other equivalent). Time out only works with follow through.

lookin4gains

I usually put my daughter in time out for about 4 minutes. Then afterwards I sit down with her and ask her if she knows why she was put in time out. Then ask why she did it and how she feels. I then reiterate why she was punished then make her apologize and a hug and it's all good. This gives her a voice and she gets to say what she wants and allows reflection on what she did. Seems to work very well since we started that.

SunofaBeach14

I work retail, so I see parents ignore meltdowns so often that I want to shake them....the parents that is, for talking on their cellphone instead of calming their children, and for giving me a bloody headache! That said, I read an article once where the approach to meltdowns is to talk to the child in "toddler-speak". As in small sentences to help the child express how they're feeling, and to resolve the issue on your end. I have to find that article, but I intend to try that approach when I decide to spawn a young one of my own.

Also, I don't believe in spanking, no matter what age. It's ESPECIALLY wrong to spank an 18 month old baby who doesn't understand what the spanking is about. Meltdowns happen because their brains are rapidly developing and well, it's kind of like a computer processing too much information at once. They're feeling things and don't know how to express what they're feeling properly.

As I said above, I would agree that for this age range, spanking isn't the way to go. I can also respect a personal belief that spanking is never the way to go, for you (similar to choosing veg***ism). I'll go strait up a wall when comments go to judging parents who *do* choose to spank.

I work with high school age students and up, I've seen the results from parents who do spank and parents who never spank, BOTH can have their issues, but to be perfectly honest, I see more problems coming up in kids who never received a spanking vs. kids whose parents make the contentious decision to include spanking in their child's discipline.

Honestly, I think it's very similar to the dietary arguments you see on here often. No-spanking is fashionable right now, as a disciplinary technique it CAN be done quite effectively, BUT there are a lot of parents who have just been told it's *wrong* to spank their children without ever being educated on what would be an effective alternative....

No joke, I have had to sit parents down in parent teacher conferences and explain to them what their rights are concerning their child and their ability to discipline them. They are 100% convinced that ANY attempt to enforce discipline could result in having their child removed from the home.

I agree with this. We stopped spanking our girls when we saw it as counterproductive For Them. I, however, needed the swift kick in the *kitten* growing up though it wasn't done correctly. I think there is more than one way to raise functioning adults but all of them involve a good deal of love, pushiness, and discipline of some sort.

T1DCarnivoreRunner

That was a metaphor.

Yeah, I get that. It was a really bad one.

Otherwise, you can do whatever you find works with your kids. Just remember that my perspective is coming from someone who is giving the death stare not because I really care what does or doesn't work - I just want to see you trying SOMETHING that will protect my eardrums (and in the OP's case, that will not result in me slipping on something the kid threw on the floor). Quite frankly, if you cannot control your kids, the best thing is not to bring them to the store with you in the first place. If that is not an option, find something that works. I really don't care what it is. If it is spanking, fine. If ignoring the tantrum gets them to stop throwing a tantrum, then do that. If ignoring the kid (different than ignoring the tantrum) works, then do it. If nothing works, then start handing out earplugs to everyone around.

Ignoring is doing something, which you actually point out in your suggested list of actions. Right before "start handing out earplugs". Contradict yourself much?

What I wrote was, "... find something that works... if ignoring the tantrum gets them to stop throwing a tantrum, then do that." In other words, my first comment was that it won't work., and yet you (and others) claim that I don't know what I'm talking about. If that is true, and if you really do know what you are talking about, then do it. If it works, then do it. If you do it and it does not work, then I'm going to give you the death stare. I'm conceding that if ignoring the tantrum works, then for God's sake, do it! If you know more than I do, and you can get it to stop, then get it to stop. It doesn't matter how, use the tool that works. If ignoring it doesn't work, then I'm going to be upset that you brought your brat kid out to the store while I'm trying to shop and then I'll be upset again when it appears you won't deal with it when it's throwing a fit.

So what I'm saying is: You changed my mind. Originally, I thought there was no way that ignoring a tantrum would work. You've convinced me that it is a viable option, in some cases, with some kids. I'm a reasonable person, and can be persuaded with reason. I don't think that means I'm contradictory... it just means that I'm flexible.

You have to let the tantrum run its course. Ignoring isn't going to immediately stop the child from throwing the tantrum, they're in hysterics at that point. Which means I'll be ignoring it to prevent future tantrums, meanwhile you'll think I'm doing nothing and judge my parenting skills based on your assumptions. My response to your insistence to "do something" is to quickly remove the child from the situation, which I already stated. That would likely fit your expectations, but it's not always possible to take that action immediately.

I happen to think that you should just avoid as much as possible being around children and mind your own business.

If you hadn't already figured it out, I already DO avoid being around children as much as possible. I also DO mind my own business, and my comments are based on a situation wherein the kid is my business as it is hampering my ability to shop in peace. If there were a 24 hour grocery store nearby, I would likely shop then to avoid kids... but there isn't a 24 hour grocery store close enough to shop (at least not for cold items). I'm not sure if it would work, anyway: I've visited stores and laundromats (in other places) that are 24 hours, and there often seem to be children all over the place late at night / early morning. So as much as I would like to avoid annoying kids, it is much easier said than done.

MinMin97

What, specifically, does spanking do that nothing else does?

You might try other means to correct, doesn't work, give them a spanking on the next occurrence and they get the lesson (for example).

This is the opposite of specific.

I wanted to know what lesson can only be taught by spanking. Do you only learn "thou shalt not shoplift" with spanking?

I don't know why you said that last part. But anyway, a spanking, as I already said above, is for when the child can't seem to choose obedience.

helenarriaza

My mum dumped a bucket of water on in the middle of december while I was busy having a fit.

I was 2.

Never again.

That is now known as the ALS challenge.

That is exactly what I was going to say!

LOOOOOOOOOL

arainiday1

I haven't read all the other responses yet but me personally, it depends on the age and understanding of the child.

I think you handled it well. I think distraction at this age is fine. As she gets older you need to enforce the "we are only getting whats on the list" rule (or something like that) and make sure said child knows that before going inside. I have completely ignored small childrens tantrums before and they do realize its not working pretty quick. That being said, I have also taken a child outside or to the bathroom to have a stern talking to and once they calm down continued with my stuff. Either way getting out quick helps. Or if you have another adult that can take them to the car even. Good luck.

side note, my husband and i had dinner out together the other night (ALONE!) and we had a family with a little girl next to use who must have been 8 months old or so, and she fussed once or twice and the dad actually looked over and said he was sorry to me and i said "Oh don't be! She doing great! And we have 4 kids, so we totally understand." So basically what i am trying to say is yes you may get some looks but there are also a lot of people that will understand.

salvationsdying

I have a 2 1/2 year old. And if she doesn't stop in a timely manner (while I'm ignoring it like its not happening, which usually works) we go to the bathroom and she gets a light swat on the butt sometimes but mostly let scream it out while I pretend to not look. Normaly ignoring her stopps them. No audience no reason to act crazy.

Mikkimeow

How about leaving her at home with your husband or partner? If that is not an option distract her with a toy you brought with you from home. If all else fails...leave. Then again, see my first comment, leave her at home, and shop quickly and effectively without your child.

I guess you didn't read the entire post where I said that I was a single mother that had to bring my daughter wherever I go because I live alone.

sloth3toes

*By the way, if a grocery store that did not allow kids were to open in my neighborhood, I would shop there... even if the prices were 15% higher.

I think you've got a very good idea there

Why that hasn't happened yet, I don't know.

License the store so you can drink while you shop. That should take care of it.

PRMinx

*By the way, if a grocery store that did not allow kids were to open in my neighborhood, I would shop there... even if the prices were 15% higher.

I think you've got a very good idea there

Why that hasn't happened yet, I don't know.

There's no way to make enough money, even with the higher price point.

Grocery margins range anywhere between 1-5%, which is tough business. The amount of traffic per square foot that a store needs to have in order to make hay has a low margin of error. Even though this idea sounds great in theory, there are not enough people who would pay 15% more in markup just to avoid children. They wouldn't generate the necessary traffic. Further, since grocery shopping relies on impulse buys in addition to routine buys, they would be alienating potential customers and profits by turning away families who need something last minute. And that's not even getting into the fact that families spend more at grocery stores and it would be silly to turn away that business.

Child-free restaurants, on the other hand, have a much better opportunity.

Morgan5647

Seriously child free places???!!!!! People have kids, kids throw tantrums and the world doesn't stop. You do the best you can with your child because it will end and they will grow up and you will miss the tantrums.

PRMinx

Seriously child free places???!!!!! People have kids, kids throw tantrums and the world doesn't stop. You do the best you can with your child because it will end and they will grow up and you will miss the tantrums.

I don't see a problem with child-free restaurants and I think kids are great. But, when parents bring kids to fancy restaurants (especially at a time when they KNOW their kids should be in bed) and there's a tantrum and the parents don't walk out, it's frustrating. If I'm going out at 8pm to a nice restaurant that's going to cost me a lot of money, it's reasonable for me to expect that there won't be children running around. There are plenty of great family restaurants for younger kids - they would be happier there anyway.

Morgan5647

I get that but generally the parents are stressing out more than you know. Personally I choose not to bring my girls to restaurants like that because I want to enjoy it and feel uncomfortable for the people round me for your exact reason but I don't agree with banning them either.

Mikkimeow

Seriously child free places???!!!!! People have kids, kids throw tantrums and the world doesn't stop. You do the best you can with your child because it will end and they will grow up and you will miss the tantrums.

I don't see a problem with child-free restaurants and I think kids are great. But, when parents bring kids to fancy restaurants (especially at a time when they KNOW their kids should be in bed) and there's a tantrum and the parents don't walk out, it's frustrating. If I'm going out at 8pm to a nice restaurant that's going to cost me a lot of money, it's reasonable for me to expect that there won't be children running around. There are plenty of great family restaurants for younger kids - they would be happier there anyway.

While banning seems a bit harsh, I definitely agree that people should not be bringing overtired cranky toddlers to fancy restaurants. Tip, if they don't have kids menu, there is a reason for that. lol

PRMinx

I get that but generally the parents are stressing out more than you know. Personally I choose not to bring my girls to restaurants like that because I want to enjoy it and feel uncomfortable for the people round me for your exact reason but I don't agree with banning them either.

Unfortunately, not every parent is responsible like you are. I'm not saying every restaurant should be child free, but I really don't see anything wrong with some restaurants choosing to be child-free. Bars are child free. Some hotels are child free. It's just catering to a different niche of people - it's really not something that should offend.

Pipsg1rl

Even if you have the item she wants at home, she probably doesn't realize what you are saying. They are not THERE in the MOMENT.

I would try pretending to have the bubbles. Then remind her they are at home and say let's blow some when we get home!
(Remember to actually do this after you put your frozen stuff away).

Ask "How big would you blow a bubble? Show me!"
"Would it be THIS big?"
"What if it was tiny?"
"Do you think it would look like a rainbow?"
"Tell me about a rainbow!"

This would be engaging, acknowledge she's seen something she wants, and you both have a nice conversation.

MelsAuntie

Take her out of the store and home, immediately, and make sure she knows her behavior is unacceptable and that you are angry. This kid needs discipline. Yelling in public is not acceptable, nor are tantrums anywhere at any time. When I was a kid, this would merit a serious spanking. I would never have dreamed of acting like that in a public place. Parents today are so scared of their kids that there is little discipline and far too much permissiveness.

PRMinx

Seriously child free places???!!!!! People have kids, kids throw tantrums and the world doesn't stop. You do the best you can with your child because it will end and they will grow up and you will miss the tantrums.

I don't see a problem with child-free restaurants and I think kids are great. But, when parents bring kids to fancy restaurants (especially at a time when they KNOW their kids should be in bed) and there's a tantrum and the parents don't walk out, it's frustrating. If I'm going out at 8pm to a nice restaurant that's going to cost me a lot of money, it's reasonable for me to expect that there won't be children running around. There are plenty of great family restaurants for younger kids - they would be happier there anyway.

While banning seems a bit harsh, I definitely agree that people should not be bringing overtired cranky toddlers to fancy restaurants. Tip, if they don't have kids menu, there is a reason for that. lol

I guess I don't see this as banning. Child-free restaurants as just another option among a long list of eating out options. It's just catering to one niche of people that is their target audience. I guess I see it as a business strategy, or a value proposition to the people they are marketing towards.