How do you handle tantrums?

QueenBishOTUniverse

As a non-parent, all I can say is, if someone was giving you the stink eye for an 18 month old, that person is just a grouchy @ss and should be ignored. And keep in mind that could have easily been my husband, and I know for a fact that he is IS a grouchy @ss and has no patience for children (although they LOVE him for some reason :laugh: ).

If the kid is five and still doing this, then I might be giving the stink eye too, and I've seen that unfortunately as well....

Is his name Oscar?

HA! Pretty much, yes. He's very endearing in his grouchy.

T1DCarnivoreRunner

First, I'm going to say I'm not a parent and never will be. Go ahead and attack me for that or ignore my comments if you want, but I'm going to give my 2 cents anyway since I would be the one giving you a death stare in the grocery store.

IF you ignore her tantrum, and do not give her what she wants, and you are visibly embarrased then the lesson she learns is that it might work next time if she tries harder (meaning throw a bigger tantrum). And hey, there is absolutely nothing to lose by throwing a tantrum.

What you should do: DO NOT IGNORE THE TANTRUM! Address it immediately with negative reinforcement. Punish her (different punishment will work for different kids, so no specific advice). Here is why: If she throws a tantrum and nothing bad happens, then it is worth a try next time. If she throws a tantrum and knows she will be punished, then she will weigh the punishment possibility with the possibility it might work next time. Be consistent with this, and she will eventually realize that tantrums never result in rewards and always result in punishment. It won't work overnight... give it a few months of consistency. I'll give less of a death stare next time if you are addressing her tantrum in this way, though.

Death stare all you want, I'm the one having to wrangle a two year old.

You are the one who CHOSE to wrangle a two year old. Just as I have chosen not to. The difference is that I did not CHOOSE to have to listen to a screaming brat when I'm trying to shop. The OP is asking for advice on how to best control her child... that is actually admirable and unfortunately is very very very very very rare. I am very happy to see this in contrast to the typical "victim" mentality of parents (where one feels like they have been conned into HAVING to take care of kid), or the idea that one's child can do no wrong regardless of the obvious.

When I was a kid, we didn't do these types of things... if I tried to, I would have my butt spanked so fast... has parenting gotten harder, or are parents just trying less? The OP is trying, and I would have ignored the whole thread if not for that.

People are heckling you because you came off as an arrogant prick

But, I have 4 kids and I agree with you. If my kids act up, I spank them. So guess what? They don't act up very often and when they do I just tell them that they're about to get spanked and they straighten right up. It's not as hard as people make it out to be and a lot of parents are incredibly lazy and crappy kids because of it.

Thanks! The approach I use when I know what argument is coming is to address the irrelevant response before it is even made. That way, I don't have to have as much back and forth. The OP can take my advice or ignore it... there is no question as to why I'm offering advice in the first place, and my perspective comes from impartiality - I don't see anyone's kid as an angel or a demon based on my relationship with any child, but based on displayed behavior.

In other words, I don't have to walk a mile in your shoes to realize that your laces are untied.

Kamikazeflutterby

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

QueenBishOTUniverse

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.

Kamikazeflutterby

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.

Could be.

We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.

SarahRuthRuns

In other words, I don't have to walk a mile in your shoes to realize that your laces are untied.

You cannot compare shoelaces to the behavior of a child. That's absurd.

You cannot look at how a child is behaving in one instance and assume you have any insight into that child's overall behavior, and you cannot use a child's behavior in one instance to judge parenting ability. There is far too much information that you are lacking, and this prevents you from coming to any reasonable conclusions.

You DO have to either be a parent or have some other credible source of information pertaining to child development (like a degree or excessive experience with other people's children, maybe) in order to have any useful opinion/information to share in this discussion.

QueenBishOTUniverse

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.

Could be.

We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.

Look, I'm not going to get in to the developmental theory here because when it comes to this topic it is very much a case by case basis, but by your own description, you're confusing spanking with hitting, and there's a big difference.

PRMinx

First, I'm going to say I'm not a parent and never will be. Go ahead and attack me for that or ignore my comments if you want, but I'm going to give my 2 cents anyway since I would be the one giving you a death stare in the grocery store.

IF you ignore her tantrum, and do not give her what she wants, and you are visibly embarrased then the lesson she learns is that it might work next time if she tries harder (meaning throw a bigger tantrum). And hey, there is absolutely nothing to lose by throwing a tantrum.

What you should do: DO NOT IGNORE THE TANTRUM! Address it immediately with negative reinforcement. Punish her (different punishment will work for different kids, so no specific advice). Here is why: If she throws a tantrum and nothing bad happens, then it is worth a try next time. If she throws a tantrum and knows she will be punished, then she will weigh the punishment possibility with the possibility it might work next time. Be consistent with this, and she will eventually realize that tantrums never result in rewards and always result in punishment. It won't work overnight... give it a few months of consistency. I'll give less of a death stare next time if you are addressing her tantrum in this way, though.

Death stare all you want, I'm the one having to wrangle a two year old.

You are the one who CHOSE to wrangle a two year old. Just as I have chosen not to. The difference is that I did not CHOOSE to have to listen to a screaming brat when I'm trying to shop. The OP is asking for advice on how to best control her child... that is actually admirable and unfortunately is very very very very very rare. I am very happy to see this in contrast to the typical "victim" mentality of parents (where one feels like they have been conned into HAVING to take care of kid), or the idea that one's child can do no wrong regardless of the obvious.

When I was a kid, we didn't do these types of things... if I tried to, I would have my butt spanked so fast... has parenting gotten harder, or are parents just trying less? The OP is trying, and I would have ignored the whole thread if not for that.

People are heckling you because you came off as an arrogant prick

But, I have 4 kids and I agree with you. If my kids act up, I spank them. So guess what? They don't act up very often and when they do I just tell them that they're about to get spanked and they straighten right up. It's not as hard as people make it out to be and a lot of parents are incredibly lazy and crappy kids because of it.

Thanks! The approach I use when I know what argument is coming is to address the irrelevant response before it is even made. That way, I don't have to have as much back and forth. The OP can take my advice or ignore it... there is no question as to why I'm offering advice in the first place, and my perspective comes from impartiality - I don't see anyone's kid as an angel or a demon based on my relationship with any child, but based on displayed behavior.

In other words, I don't have to walk a mile in your shoes to realize that your laces are untied.

I don't have kids but even I know enough to....



and then....

Kamikazeflutterby

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.

Could be.

We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.

Look, I'm not going to get in to the developmental theory here because when it comes to this topic because it is very much a case by case basis, but by your own description, you're confusing spanking with hitting, and there's a big difference.

I don't think truly small children see a difference, even with light spanking.

QueenBishOTUniverse

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.

Could be.

We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.

Look, I'm not going to get in to the developmental theory here because when it comes to this topic because it is very much a case by case basis, but by your own description, you're confusing spanking with hitting, and there's a big difference.

I don't think truly small children see a difference, even with light spanking.

True, they need to have a certain level of theory of mind for spanking to be an effective consequence, but depending on the temperament of the child it is one of a variety of tools that *can* be employed effectively.

My parents used reasoning to the best of their ability, but when I *reasoned* that it was ok to climb on a chair to get to the candy in the top cupboard because they had only told me not to climb on the counter, well.......

Kamikazeflutterby

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.

Could be.

We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.

Look, I'm not going to get in to the developmental theory here because when it comes to this topic because it is very much a case by case basis, but by your own description, you're confusing spanking with hitting, and there's a big difference.

I don't think truly small children see a difference, even with light spanking.

True, they need to have a certain level of theory of mind for spanking to be an effective consequence, but depending on the temperament of the child it is one of a variety of tools that *can* be employed effectively.

My parents used reasoning to the best of their ability, but when I *reasoned* that it was ok to climb on a chair to get to the candy in the top cupboard because they had only told me not to climb on the counter, well.......

All kids are rules lawyers. Now with your example if your parents had told you that you had to ask for candy, and sometimes the answer would be "no" I think you'd've been better off.

Edited for [ img ] derp.

helenarriaza

My mum dumped a bucket of water on in the middle of december while I was busy having a fit.

I was 2.

Never again.

QueenBishOTUniverse

All kids are rules lawyers. Now with your example if your parents had told you that you had to ask for candy, and sometimes the answer would be "no" I think you'd've been better off.

Edited for [ img ] derp.

HA! I just would have made sure they didn't catch me getting it anyways. I knew exactly what they *meant* when they told me not to climb on the counters, but I wanted candy and they weren't in the room. The chair was just a CYA in case I got caught so I would have a defense ready.

Did I mention both my parents were IN law school at the time, and were taking me with them to classes....

Lofteren

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.

Could be.

We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.

How is that any different than putting them in a corner or taking away their toys for the day? They did something wrong and now you're going to do something to them that is going to really suck. It's the same thing.

Kamikazeflutterby

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.

Could be.

We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.

How is that any different than putting them in a corner or taking away their toys for the day? They did something wrong and now you're going to do something to them that is going to really suck. It's the same thing.

Is there a difference between getting a traffic ticket and having a cop punch you in the stomach? They both suck, they're both negative consequences, and they're not the same thing.

veganbettie

some of these posts make me realize that i'm a fairly decent parent....

yikes.

T1DCarnivoreRunner

In other words, I don't have to walk a mile in your shoes to realize that your laces are untied.

You cannot compare shoelaces to the behavior of a child. That's absurd.

You cannot look at how a child is behaving in one instance and assume you have any insight into that child's overall behavior, and you cannot use a child's behavior in one instance to judge parenting ability. There is far too much information that you are lacking, and this prevents you from coming to any reasonable conclusions.

You DO have to either be a parent or have some other credible source of information pertaining to child development (like a degree or excessive experience with other people's children, maybe) in order to have any useful opinion/information to share in this discussion.

That was a metaphor.

Otherwise, you can do whatever you find works with your kids. Just remember that my perspective is coming from someone who is giving the death stare not because I really care what does or doesn't work - I just want to see you trying SOMETHING that will protect my eardrums (and in the OP's case, that will not result in me slipping on something the kid threw on the floor). Quite frankly, if you cannot control your kids, the best thing is not to bring them to the store with you in the first place. If that is not an option, find something that works. I really don't care what it is. If it is spanking, fine. If ignoring the tantrum gets them to stop throwing a tantrum, then do that. If ignoring the kid (different than ignoring the tantrum) works, then do it. If nothing works, then start handing out earplugs to everyone around.

MinMin97

Studies show that spanking lowers IQ. OP, advice on handling and avoiding tantrums can change with your kid's age. For example, now I can explain to my oldest kid that today's not a toy day before we even go into a store. When she was a year and a half she would hear sentences like this: "You are not getting a toy today." I had to learn to keep things more concise, to say "no," and to move on. When she was old enough to understand time outs she also learned that I can find a timeout corner anywhere.




Source on spanking and IQ: http://www.webmd.com/parenting/news/20090924/kids-who-get-spanked-may-have-lower-iqs

Well it's a good thing my parents spanked me, otherwise you'd be dealing with an evil overlord instead of just an opinionated know-it-all.

Could be.

We don't spank our kids because we want them to understand there are consequences for actions. We don't want them to be afraid to do something because a person four times their height will pick them up and hit them. Spanking doesn't teach you to avoid doing something because you thought about it and it's wrong, spanking teaches you not to do something because people will hurt you.

I think you are confusing "spanking" with "hitting". We have spanked our children. Hitting them is a big NO NO!! A spank happens when they cannot make the choice of obedience. It's done for the child's sake, not as a vent for parental anger/frustration. Spanking is done by a non-angry parent, in private, in order to build the child's character.

SarahRuthRuns

That was a metaphor.

Yeah, I get that. It was a really bad one.

Otherwise, you can do whatever you find works with your kids. Just remember that my perspective is coming from someone who is giving the death stare not because I really care what does or doesn't work - I just want to see you trying SOMETHING that will protect my eardrums (and in the OP's case, that will not result in me slipping on something the kid threw on the floor). Quite frankly, if you cannot control your kids, the best thing is not to bring them to the store with you in the first place. If that is not an option, find something that works. I really don't care what it is. If it is spanking, fine. If ignoring the tantrum gets them to stop throwing a tantrum, then do that. If ignoring the kid (different than ignoring the tantrum) works, then do it. If nothing works, then start handing out earplugs to everyone around.

Ignoring is doing something, which you actually point out in your suggested list of actions. Right before "start handing out earplugs". Contradict yourself much?

sloth3toes

My mum dumped a bucket of water on in the middle of december while I was busy having a fit.

I was 2.

Never again.

That is now known as the ALS challenge.