Living with an alcoholic

hmrambling

Another book is Co-Depedant No More by Marianne Beattie I see it was allready suggested but I will again.

Melody Beattie.

She also has a daily reader book "Language of Letting Go" that you can read for free online each day here (through the Hazeldon site): http://www.hazelden.org/web/public/thought.view?catId=1904

Alcoholics usually do not get help until they have reached rock bottom. Everyone has a different bottom and you have no way of knowing when your partner's bottom is going to be or what it looks like. His recovery is up to him. Your recovery is up to you. You might want to check out Al Anon as others have suggested. Alcoholism is a family disease. Trust me, it is not only your partner who is sick with alcoholism. It affects everyone around him.

LoneWolfRunner

I guess it might be a bit irrelevant to wonder what is going on in his life that makes him want to medicate... he is clearly not happy... but I suppose it's best to ditch him and let him sort it out.

Spoken by someone who has never been in a relationship with an addict, clearly.

That would not be an accurate assumption.

love8383

4 bottle in one night? high functioning or not he's likely to get cirrosis of the liver if he continues...he probably doesn't realize how bad it is because his tolerance is so high at this point. I think if you talking to him doesn't help, maybe a doctor should explain to him the damage he is doing.

opalsqueak007

HI OP.

I have lost 3 important people in my life to alcoholism. They were 39, 27 and 29. One a GP. one a barrister, the last one a formula 2 and stunt driver. My advice, just from me to you is this - save yourself and leave. There are many myths about alcoholism and a lot of disagreement about it. For example "rock bottom". Once you hit rock bottom, my dead boyfriend used to say, there is only one way to go - sideways. This was meant to be a joke, but sometimes it is true. I have seen people hit rock bottom and stay there for years, homeless, estranged from their families, then die very suddenly.

Alcoholism is progressive. Once on the roller coaster, the disease progresses, and you need more and more of the drug trying to get that feeling it used to give you. Eventually, you can never get that feeling back, but you keep on trying. Your Limbic system wants that great feeling back. Brain chemistry becomes affected with permanent personality change. I have known people give up alcohol for a whole year, get super fit, start drinking again, thinking they can just drink like normal people, then die. Then there is the "geographical cure" where the alcoholic thinks that if you move home/area, everything will change. It doesn't. Eventually, your man will suddenly lose his tolerance to alcohol. He might drink a bottle of wine in five minutes, get drunk immediately, and fall asleep for the rest of the evening. There is no going back from this point to any kind of "normal" drinking. The recidivism in alcoholics is also depressingly high.

I have lost many other people to alcoholism in addition to those mentioned above. It is the scourge of my generation in the area I was brought up.

Your man might get himself well, but I don't think anything you do or don't do will make that happen.

Please take care of yourself.

sweetcurlz67

Apologies that this is not strictly fitness related but it is health related and I have received lots of great support on this forum about general fitness and diet, I wanted to share this in the hope that someone might be able to offer support or point me in the direction of some.

So I'm coming into the third and hopefully final year of my PhD. This is my dream and I love my research, I’ve worked really hard to get here. For the final stretch I just need to work hard, reward myself, keep a good routine and look after my mind and body.

This is all being made harder by life with my alcoholic partner. He is what people call a 'high-functioning alcoholic' in that he has a good job, turns up on time, does bits of D.I.Y. and his fair share of housework, food shopping, pays his share of the bills etc... BUT he drinks excessive amounts of alcohol. To put this into perspective, I arrived home from the university today at 4pm and he had finished 4 bottles of red wine which he bought at 8pm last night. He can easily drink 2 bottles of wine a day every day. It is mostly at night and up until recently was only at night but on 2 occasions recently, I've woke on a weekend at around 7am and he's got up half an hour before me and is finishing of the film and bottle of wine from the previous night, while I sit with my cereal and coffee. I worry about his health, long-term and short-term. He has lots of mood swings, he can be cuddly one minute and then wants to tickle and nibble at me. This is all sweet and romantic fun when he's sober but when he's had too much to drink he can be rough, extremely irritating and the nibbling becomes more like biting. He goes into rants about things in the news, global politics etc but in an almost aggressive way so it is impossible to engage in a proper conversation and he tells me I'm too liberal and naive. He’ll drive 3 miles to pick up a pizza even after too much alcohol and I worry about his and others’ safety.

When he's sober he is the most loving, caring, attentive, intelligent and creative man I have ever met. He buys me flowers, he drives me to surprise places, he fitted a bath in our house as we only had a shower and I love to have a bath, he compliments me, listens to me, cares for me when I'm sick (even took a day off once to care for me). He talks of our future, of getting married and travelling, he makes me laugh and makes me feel very loved.

I wrote him a letter a few weeks ago to tell him how I feel and he stopped drinking for 5 days and things were better. For 2 weeks he only drank on the weekend and in moderation but things have slipped back and feel like they could be worse than ever.

He recognises that he has a problem, I’ve told him that I’m not there to change him but there to support him and I’ve suggested counselling but he doesn’t want it. He says he can manage his own problems. I’m starting to think that I should try and find a new place to live (I have no family to move in with near to my university) this will be a struggle because our mortgage at the moment is fairly cheap and I only pay half of this. I’m starting to think that a break would be good for him to gain some perspective and control of his life but moving out would be a massive upheaval especially for me (selfishly) at this stage of my PhD and especially if we are able to work things out. I also don’t want to abandon him, he’s a good man in a bad place and I want to support him I just don’t know how.

I don’t know what to do. If anyone has any experiences or can point me somewhere, it would be really appreciated.

Thanks

OP...

I have a similar story except my ex was not super nice & romantic like your guy is at any time (sober or not). We were married for 22 years and the 'aggression' only got worse with time. Although there was 'stuff' at the beginning before we got married, I should have not married him but I do have a great son so I don't regret that!

I won't go into details, however, what you are doing now is what I did... I enabled him to be an alcoholic. to be an abuser. to be a (fill in the blank).

it took my ex checking himself into a hospital for his alcoholism for me to say enough and if he doesn't want to work on a list of issues and me work on the enabling then he is not welcome back home. it was his choice. he chose to not work on those issues & the marriage and told me to write up the divorce papers.

my point to you is... he has to want it for himself. you are enabling him. even though you deeply love him, it's best that you part ways, for yours and his own good. who knows, maybe it'll be the jolt he needs? but don't count on that! YOU deserve better! IIII deserve better! :flowerforyou:

taryninoly

I am dealing with this as well. I feel your pain! The advice of Al-A-non is really good. I tend to blame myself for a lot of his drinking - if only I was skinnier etc... not true! I know he and I both have a lot to work on. I only hope that by me not drinking and getting fit - it will inspire him to make some changes. Only he is the one that can decide enough is enough and the beer has to go.

VeryKatie

Thanks for the message and trust me I do wonder, I do much more than wonder, I try my best to be a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a non-judgmental friend and partner. I've not once asked him to stop drinking as I don't want to be the enemy but instead I've asked him what makes him feel the need to drink and I've asked what I can do for him . He says he feels lost and down but "doesn't need a professional". I've asked him if he'll talk to his friends and he says "I can manage my own issues".

This comment struck me as very odd. You've never asked him to stop drinking. If you move out now without doing so - it will be so unexpected as to be unfair and unsupportive.

FIRST you need to ask him to stop because right now you're valuing "not being the bad guy" over your relationship with a good man (when he's sober). Is that really the order of priorities you want to have?

I once had to leave a man because he valued his looks over our relationship and he didn't change his ways even after I pointed out the problems it was causing (imagine having along distance relationship when one person wouldn't even let you see their face for months on end - it's hard enough not seeing them in person but to take away the only other way of seeing them shows they'd rather feel like they look good than have a healthy relationship with someone who just wants to see and converse with them).

SECOND After you ask him to stop drinking, if he doesn't and still won't seek professional help, that's when you give the ultimatum - "Get help immediately, or I will leave because you have left me no other options". One idea is to have a same day meeting/counseling session lined up before you talk to him and give him this ultimatum while he's sober (hopefully you can try to predict when this will be - tricky, but you know him best...). If he agrees - head STRAIGHT to the meeting, before he has a chance to drink again.

THIRD If he gets help, stay and help if you still want a future with him (recognizing it might still be hard, but at least he chose you over booze. Dealing with the addiction comes next).

If he does not get help, leave and cut off contact with him because his priority was booze over you, addiction or not. He knew while he was sober what was on the line.

So I see it as a three step process on your end. I also agree with Al-Anon or whichever place can provide you with good advice (I'm not sure of mine, it's just how I see the situation).

I truly wish you all the best in any decision you make!

ETA: In regards to your PhD, first - congrats on the hard work! And second - lot of people manage a PhD while having to support themselves. You can learn to do this too, so don't let it hold you back. You could be risking your life for your PhD without even realizing it.