I'm failing my kids!

Mof3wc

This really is as since as "don't buy it". If it's not there, they can't eat it. They can cry, and whine and complain, but eventually they'll get hungry enough to eat what IS there.

My kids drink water. It's rare they even ask for juice, maybe once a month they'll ask for some. They've been drinking it all day for so long that they don't even consider that there are other options.

We limit snacks. The kids get breakfast, lunch, a small afternoon snack and dinner. That's it. If they choose not to eat a meal, they wait for the next one. And do they get a morning snack on school days. If they don't snack all day, they're hungry enough to eat at meal times.

Snack choices are things like pretzels, rice crackers, fruit, veggies, cheese, frozen berries, plain yogurt (my oldest adds PB and honey, my younger adds homemade berry sauce) and applesauce. At dinner they have to try at least one bite of everything.

Www.100daysofrealfood.com is a great resource, and the book "French Kids Eat Everything". is really interesting, it's about picky eaters.

SherryTeach

As my daughters' pediatrician used to day "picky eaters are created by parents." I learned from their doctor to say very little about food one way or the other but to only have food in the house that I was okay with them eating. I offered meals and snacks, gave a reasonable amount of time to either eat or sit next to it, then I cleaned it up without comment. No bribing, no discussion, no extra snacks later because a meal wasn't eaten. No punishment or reward involving food. Treats on special occasions.

The result is that my daughters are now in their 30's. They know good nutrition, eat a wide variety of healthy foods, and have a good relationship with food. One daughter just posted a photo from Paris in front of her plate of escargot.

I am so glad for the wisdom of my parent mentors.

Zerodette

Now, if only most of the adults can follow the advice they're dishing for your kids (don't buy it, don't eat it; only make fruit and veggies available, etc)....

Yes! And nobody seems to remember what kind of stinking tantrum *they* might have thrown when they were given options they didn't like when they were little.

When I threw a stinking tantrum (and I did), there were consequences. I'm sure my parents would've preferred no tantrums at all, but they certainly didn't cater to me just to avoid a tantrum. They were the parents. I was the child. And I didn't grow up to hate them!

Josalinn

it's kind of weird reading this thread, with my upbringing. We were poor. I ate breakfast and lunch and snack at the school because it was provided. Everyone ate the same thing, every plate was portioned the same, and there were no seconds.

I remember asking Mom one day on the way home if we could get Tootsie Pops. She said "No, we can't afford it." And that was that, and it was the truth. It just made me a little sad to not get the lollipop. Don't get me wrong, I was a very happy child and Mom loved/loves me very much. We aren't poor anymore, because my mom worked hard off when I was young and got promoted over and over again. No I'm going to school and working and I can make my own food decisions...which is how I gained weight and now I am here.

No tantrums, I just scared the piss out of her by wandering off and asking strangers if they wanted a hug.

You're kids won't suffer if they don't get their snacks and sugar. Keep the food you want them to eat around, and don't cave at the store. You and your children are fortunate to even have this problem.

tracylbrown839

Now, if only most of the adults can follow the advice they're dishing for your kids (don't buy it, don't eat it; only make fruit and veggies available, etc)....

Yes! And nobody seems to remember what kind of stinking tantrum *they* might have thrown when they were given options they didn't like when they were little.

Your posts really surprise me. Both of them. Firstly, children simply will not starve themselves. If you present a variety of good foods to eat, they will eat them.

Giving in to tantrums.... teaches.... that tantrums are effective. Children are very quick to learn what behaviors are effective.

tracylbrown839

Here is also another really good example. Let's say you were out in a park or walking on a trail with your kids. They find a bush with berries and start to pick them. You move your child away from the bush and say that these berries are not good and they can't eat them. They are in fact, poison berries.

Your child might throw a tantrum because what does the child know... these berries look good, they are red, look pretty and they want some. Children explore by putting things in their mouth.

Would you give in to the child's tantrum and let them eat the berries. No, of course you wouldn't! This is an absolute no brainer!
Even if you had to pick your toddler up and remove him/her from the situation, you would do so.

Would you be angry? No, of course, not, or I hope not. The child doesn't know any better.

A tantrum or other behavior that is not desirable is not "an excuse" for the child, especially a toddler, running the show. You are the parent here. Just provide a wide variety of healthy choices and then let your child explore the foods. It really is not rocket science. And toddlers and young children are, in fact, really easy, and food is... fun.

20yearsyounger

Don't buy it. They can't have what's not available.

+1

Need sugar? By some fruits and leave them around. See what they eat when they get hungry

nainai0585

I know sugar isn't the enemy and all, but my kids eat WAY TOO MUCH of it. From sugar breakfast cereal to graham crackers and yogurts as snacks... it just doesn't stop. They barely eat lunch at school then want more snacks when we get home... complain when I tell them to have cheese sticks instead of sugary snacks... and now they are tall enough to reach cups so they help themselves with juice all day (I wouldn't even buy any but my husband likes it).

They eat well at dinner at least but then of course they ask for dessert. Their weight is fine, if anything they are both pretty skinny, but I don't want them to have horrible eating habits for later...

Advice? I'm on my way to the kitchen now to put all the sugary snacks out of their reach... They are 6.5, by the way.

I know what your going through. I have a 9 yr old who LOVES to talk and socialize at lunch time, and usually brings home 90-95% of his lunch and school snacks every day. Part of the reason as well is the medication he's on, which inhibits his hunger cues.
What I have found that works best for him, is to provide kolbassa and cheese, juice box, a bottle of water, a healthy snack (right now its grapes since they're on sale), and an unhealthy/sugary snack (a small bag of chips, pudding, etc). I am almost guaranteed that most of it will come home with him. So, when he arrives home, he is expected to finish his healthy snack if he hasn't already and he'll share his juice with his 4 yr old brother and drink his water on the walk home from school.
He eats supper really well, but if there's anything left on the plate and he says he's full, then I do not offer any dessert (we usually never eat dessert anyways) or a bedtime snack because, "If your too full to finish supper, then your too full for snack." He fully understands. He's at a healthy weight for his height and VERY active.

I do not believe we need to shield our children from sugar. Instead, offer a healthy and unhealthy snack if the situation permits it, and during general conversations, explain why too much sugar is not good and what healthier options are. By eliminating all junk from your home, you have the potential of setting them up to binge on it when they do have access to it at friends, relatives, parties, or even as adults. Everything is ok, in moderation

Your a great mom

radmack

As my daughters' pediatrician used to day "picky eaters are created by parents."

As the mother of three grown kids, I beg to differ. My youngest was such a picky eater but not the older two. In college, she has expanded her repertoire of food quite a bit. My oldest started eating hot and sour soup at age 2.5 and love it. My younger still wouldn't eat it. And not because it wasn't offered or wasn't tried.

Food for thought - I had parents who promoted totally sugar free, junk free eating - and I ended up heavy. I let my kids eat lots of the junk that was forbidden to me and so far no one has a weight issue. And they don't go around eating tons of junk now.

20yearsyounger

As my daughters' pediatrician used to day "picky eaters are created by parents."

As the mother of three grown kids, I beg to differ. My youngest was such a picky eater but not the older two. In college, she has expanded her repertoire of food quite a bit. My oldest started eating hot and sour soup at age 2.5 and love it. My younger still wouldn't eat it. And not because it wasn't offered or wasn't tried.

Food for thought - I had parents who promoted totally sugar free, junk free eating - and I ended up heavy. I let my kids eat lots of the junk that was forbidden to me and so far no one has a weight issue. And they don't go around eating tons of junk now.

I agree with your finals thoughts. My take is more so on keeping it around the house versus going out to get it. I take my kids for icecream, cotton candy, candy apples, whatever. However, we have to go get it. When it's just lying there, it's a totally different story.

SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage

As my daughters' pediatrician used to day "picky eaters are created by parents."

As the mother of three grown kids, I beg to differ. My youngest was such a picky eater but not the older two. In college, she has expanded her repertoire of food quite a bit. My oldest started eating hot and sour soup at age 2.5 and love it. My younger still wouldn't eat it. And not because it wasn't offered or wasn't tried.

Food for thought - I had parents who promoted totally sugar free, junk free eating - and I ended up heavy. I let my kids eat lots of the junk that was forbidden to me and so far no one has a weight issue. And they don't go around eating tons of junk now.

I agree..to a certain extent. Granted I only have one child so I can't compare, but we eat quite healthy in our house. We are always giving our son new things to try, stressing the importance of making healthy choices, etc. All in all, he does really well. BUT I have learned the hard way that if he tells me he doesn't like something, it's a battle I'm not going to fight. Problem is, my son will actually vomit if he doesn't like something. Learned that lesson the hard way while at a friend's house for spaghetti dinner and I made him try a meatball (that was a year ago and those friends still remind me of it LOL). That being said, we do not demonize sugar and treats, but they are a once in a while thing and my 4YO knows the difference between a healthy snack/ meal and a treat. I still continue to put things on his dinner plate like spinach, etc and encourage him to eat it, but if he doesn't, I know he's still eating the other healthy things in his dinner so I'm not going to stress about it.

I don't necessarily agree with the whole "picky eaters are created by picky parents" thing. Yes, we need to make sure they explore their palate, but kids know what they like and don't like, just as adults do, and they deserve to have an opinion on it. I'd be pretty irritated if someone called me picky because I don't like pork chops. Worse yet if they put it in front of me and told me I'd have to eat it or go hungry. Sounds like a great way to create other food issues.

wozkaa

Now, if only most of the adults can follow the advice they're dishing for your kids (don't buy it, don't eat it; only make fruit and veggies available, etc)....

Yes! And nobody seems to remember what kind of stinking tantrum *they* might have thrown when they were given options they didn't like when they were little.

Your posts really surprise me. Both of them. Firstly, children simply will not starve themselves. If you present a variety of good foods to eat, they will eat them.

Giving in to tantrums.... teaches.... that tantrums are effective. Children are very quick to learn what behaviors are effective.

No, children who are operating within the norm regarding development and abilities don't starve themselves willingly. I didn't say they would.
No, they will not always eat what is presented, in whole. I know for my kids, if they are not hungry they will not eat it. Or will not eat some foods, regardless of how many times they have had it previously - they will refuse it point blank one day out of the blue. Mine are toddlers, that is what they do. They are not offered an alternative to what I make for them, they simply catch up with their next snack or meal.

I am simply empathising with the OP that it can be hard when your children don't eat reliably.

I at no point advocated that tantrums are the way to go forward. I was pointing out that people probably forget how spectacular and stressful tantrums can be, and that they may well have given their parents a hard time ontop of whatever else their parents are trying to accomplish or wade through.

My suggestion was to the OP to make small changes and pick their battles.

tracylbrown839

Now, if only most of the adults can follow the advice they're dishing for your kids (don't buy it, don't eat it; only make fruit and veggies available, etc)....

Yes! And nobody seems to remember what kind of stinking tantrum *they* might have thrown when they were given options they didn't like when they were little.

Your posts really surprise me. Both of them. Firstly, children simply will not starve themselves. If you present a variety of good foods to eat, they will eat them.

Giving in to tantrums.... teaches.... that tantrums are effective. Children are very quick to learn what behaviors are effective.

No, children who are operating within the norm regarding development and abilities don't starve themselves willingly. I didn't say they would.
No, they will not always eat what is presented, in whole. I know for my kids, if they are not hungry they will not eat it. Or will not eat some foods, regardless of how many times they have had it previously - they will refuse it point blank one day out of the blue. Mine are toddlers, that is what they do. They are not offered an alternative to what I make for them, they simply catch up with their next snack or meal.

I am simply empathising with the OP that it can be hard when your children don't eat reliably.

I at no point advocated that tantrums are the way to go forward. I was pointing out that people probably forget how spectacular and stressful tantrums can be, and that they may well have given their parents a hard time ontop of whatever else their parents are trying to accomplish or wade through.

My suggestion was to the OP to make small changes and pick their battles.

Yes, I understand what you were saying. "pick your battles" is, in fact, not a very good approach to food because food should not be "a battle", especially with toddlers. This is my point, exactly.

It is well proven that when food becomes a "battle ground" this leads statistically to towards eating disorders, and parents, in general put absolutely no faith in nature and the child's natural instinct to survive and to survive well. Parents, in fact, interfere with their children's natural eating habits and instincts, all too much, and often create the problems in the first place.

There was a huge study, a long time ago, where children in an orphanage were tracked with what they ate, over a long period of time. They were given "free access" to a wide variety of healthy food and they "ate whatever they wanted" in "amounts that they wanted". Now, in one way the study is stacked, because the cupboards were not filled with candies and cakes. They were provided with healthy, real food.

But guess what? Even though children often eat strangely... maybe eating all bread at one meal, or for a few days, all fruit at another and they do not eat "individual balanced meals", if you were to look only at one meal or a few days. Children go in themes, for awhile, and then a lot of one type of item, and then something they liked they stop eating, and another thing, previously rejected then suddenly becomes okay. But over-all, in totality, they ate well, over time. This was my point.

No children ended up developing rickets, or lacked in ANY vitamin. No child was malnourished. All children thrived if given access to good, healthy food and were allowed to choose freely.

Who told me this story? My husband. He is a physician and he studied this study during his medical training.

The truth is that more problems are created by "interfering" with what children eat. "Battlegrounds" create problems with eating. And when parents are "stressed and worried" about food, this is transferred to the child.

Nature is miraculous and a little toddler will reach for what it needs, over time, and a toddlers body, if left to its own instincts, will create a diet that is just fine - if they are given access to good food. (So, I'm not saying free feed candy or junk). Parents "think" they know better. Parents try to "control" food, and this is, in fact, not good.

So, the rules in my house when my child was young, as set down by my physician husband, was "trust her", don't "interfere", and simply make sure that good, healthy food is presented for whenever she is hungry because the truth is that her body will prompt her to eat when she's hungry, stop when she's full, and to select the things that her body needs - not all in one meal - or not even all in one week - but over time. People interfere all too much, mother's "bribe" their children to take another bite, to eat stuff the child doesn't feel like eating, and they "pick their battlegrounds" or make food a battleground.

If food or feeding your child is a battleground, this is not a good sign because the truth is that your child's own body, it's own cues, is smarter than you are, knows more about nutrition than you do, knows more about what it needs, than you do. All that is required, really, is to provide access to a wide variety of healthy food and to let your child do his/her thing. (This is also why I say re-present food), taste changes over time and things that were rejected before sometimes are then eaten, so making the list shorter and shorter is not a good thing.

This matches the other poster that was saying that parents, in fact, are responsible for children's eating problems. Does this mean that some children will eat a wider variety of food than others? Yes. Will some seem "more picky"? Yes. Doesn't matter. Parents that are "worried" about food and "anxious" about what their child eats, will create the same feelings in the child. Long and short of it. Don't sweat it. Just present good food. That's it. There is absolutely nothing to worry about.

tracylbrown839

Parents don't want to believe this (what I wrote above), and as a result, they often make things much harder than they really are. That was my point.

Personally, what did my child eat? Whatever she wanted to. My job was done simply by providing the food. And can it be that simple? Yes, it is actually that simple. Parents simply don't want to believe this. A lot of people want to be worried, a lot of people do worry, a lot of people thrive on anxiety because it makes them feel like they are doing a good job, or they are afraid that they aren't doing a good job. These are actually parents problems, not the child's. This is what is important to remember, I think, especially with toddlers and young children.

PS - Please also understand that my comments are not standing in judgment nor passing comment on anyone's individual parenting style that has been presented in this thread. It is only meant to be a general comment of how "we", as parents often speak about battle grounds and our worries, in general, which are often unfounded.

melimomTARDIS

I agree with tracylbrown83 100%. My son's limited diet has had a complete nutritional breakdown by his pediatrician, and suprisingly he gets what he needs from what he eats.

OP- please dont think you are failing your kids. I hate that feeling, and its just not true. I promise.

SarcasmIsMyLoveLanguage

Parents don't want to believe this (what I wrote above), and as a result, they often make things much harder than they really are. That was my point.

Personally, what did my child eat? Whatever she wanted to. My job was done simply by providing the food. And can it be that simple? Yes, it is actually that simple. Parents simply don't want to believe this. A lot of people want to be worried, a lot of people do worry, a lot of people thrive on anxiety because it makes them feel like they are doing a good job, or they are afraid that they aren't doing a good job. These are actually parents problems, not the child's. This is what is important to remember, I think, especially with toddlers and young children.

PS - Please also understand that my comments are not standing in judgment nor passing comment on anyone's individual parenting style that has been presented in this thread. It is only meant to be a general comment of how "we", as parents often speak about battle grounds and our worries, in general, which are often unfounded.

^^This x 1,000
I have been stressing about what (actually how little) my son eats since day 1. I must have called my pediatrician a hundred times. Every single time, he would tell me something similar to the above. I sought second opinions, who told me the same thing. It took me until he was about 3 to not stress about this any more. He's healthy, active, progressing well socially and intellectually. I still try to get him to try new things but if he refuses, that's okay, we don't battle it out. All I can do is provide him with good wholesome food most of the time and trust that when he says he doesn't like something, he just doesn't like it plain and simple.

amsesoanem

Well, being a mother of 5 kids, who are very different in their likes and dislikes, I have to say I know the struggle. However, I'm not the kind of mom who will cook 5 different meals just to please everyone. That's insane! My husband and I used to eat horribly, until we were both overweight and tired. So we made a change not just for us, but for our kids as well. Kids now a says live off of processed food! And when you think about it, by continually giving them that food we're shortening their life. First, stop buying the bad stuff. Look for things with less than 4 or 5 grams of sugar. Yes there are things out there you just have to look. A great alternative for the juice and even soda is flavored water. My kids LOVE that they get to choose what they drink. Just be careful because you don't need a lot to make it taste like kool aid. Then make your favorite dishes healthy! You can do it with most dishes. You can do this, you just have to put some thought into it, and put your foot down and don't buy the crap! One example is, my kids love peanut butter. So, I buy the natural peanut butter and sweeten it with Agave. Our bodies need sugar, just make it the best sugar out there. They will NEVER know the difference!!

dbmata

My advice is to quit letting your kids run your kitchen.

Seriously, I would have been spanked.

JoRocka

Personally, what did my child eat? Whatever she wanted to. My job was done simply by providing the food. And can it be that simple? Yes, it is actually that simple. Parents simply don't want to believe this. A lot of people want to be worried, a lot of people do worry, a lot of people thrive on anxiety because it makes them feel like they are doing a good job, or they are afraid that they aren't doing a good job. These are actually parents problems, not the child's. This is what is important to remember, I think, especially with toddlers and young children.

lots of wisdom here.

My best friend's kid loves noodles- she would eat them constantly if she could- so (girl is early high school or jr high at this point) the rule is- you can have 2 noodle based dishes a week. But she's active and healthy- and if two days a week all she eats is noodles- so be it.

she makes it a point to provide a good example of what to eat- and stocks a variety of quality food and that's that- she refuses to 'lecture' they'll talk about it if it comes up- but she never fusses- works out really well for them.

sw33tp3a11

I don't really buy my girls a lot of unhealthy snacks. I don't buy them juice either. As a parent you have the choice to buy what ever you want for your kids. If you don't like what they are eating, buy them something healthier. It's going to benefit them in the long run.