He told me to "lose some weight"

jackiemarie

you look thin in your profile photos! its not like your "unhealthy" and hes concerned about you and your health. im positive you have a healthy BMI. definitely was an obnoxious comment to make to you!

Caffeinewitch

I'm sad that admitting the lack of or loss of physical attraction is apparently a horrendous crime tantamount to infidelity. I'm disappointed that people think being in love means ignoring that loss... and then wondering why (and being hurt when) your significant other is glancing at that fit, young, stewardess or that burly fireman. I'm insulted that you would label the OP's boyfriend an idiot (i.e., "dumb") or a coward for thinking she needs to lose weight.

Loss of attraction is one thing, people in love have it flow and ebb all the time this much is very true, and it is not always coupled with increased attraction to someone else. It seems as though there are a couple of options in this scenario: 1) he's experiencing a genuine loss of attraction due to her weight gain. He just presented it in a really dumb way. Yes I'm sticking with "dumb" because as I said before everybody's dumb at some point or another. He has not been living under a rock for the past decade and does not know the social context of telling a woman to lose weight. 2) he's experiencing a relative loss of attraction and does not know how to deal with it, or realize that it's alright. So the knee-jerk reaction of telling her to lose weight is a weakness of character - frustrating but amendable.

I apologize for your offense, but I was expressing that to boyfriend was being dumb for not exploring beyond the knee-jerk reaction of "I don't find her as attractive", and a coward for not offering himself as an explanation. The blame immediately went to her and her weight - not to any changes in himself or his circumstances. He may not be the problem, but he should not be removed from the table right off the bat. If it's really as "serious" relationship, then all options should be kept open if only for a short time.

There is a harmful -mindset- however, and that is the mindset that "If I gain weight (or lose weight) and he or she becomes less attracted to me then they must not love me".

That is exactly what is presented to us in the original post. This lovely young woman has mentioned that she has had these issues before, and while the boyfriend may not know about them, he still has the social context to have some tact in presenting his concerns.

On that note: what IS a good way to bring up to your s/o that you think they need to lose or gain weight? All of you that are calling him an "*kitten*" or worse (lol), please provide an answer. I'd never want to intentionally hurt someone's feelings but what IS a good way to bring it up? The problem to me is that any attempts at being honest in this regard are either (a) ineffectual, in that they beat around the bush and nothing gets accomplished or (b) hurtful, and that's because people refuse to accept what I said above about love =/= physical attraction.

In the context of romatic relationships? Reasonable and strong support are the best ways. For example: "Sweetie (insert favorite pet name here), i've grown concerned about your health and I would appreciate it if we could talk about it." is a good way to start - it's the truth, clean clear, and without bashing their face in it. Because you want them to be healthy for themselves so you can enjoy their company. Be ready to support them and say so.
Also, don't shift the blame on them when they don't take it well, chances are they already know they have the blame. If you come to someone with the truth, and bring it to them in a neutral, reasonable manner, you will at least know that you have done all you can to help them.

ginnyroxx

Maybe you do need to shed some weight.... about as much as your BF weighs should do it.

Looking at our profile pic I see a beautiful young lady who deserves better. Tone up what you have if it makes you feel better, then start looking for a good man. (Sorry, I'm married....)

ALLLLLL OF THIS ^

except the married part :laugh:

Ashley_Panda

Girl you are skinny and gorgeous. If it will make you feel better then it's whatev but maybe he was just saying that to you because his junk wasn't working. I don't see how he wouldn't want you especially if you two "love" each other so much.

modernfemme

Yeah. I'll be blunt. You need to kick this guy to the curb.

When I gained a crap ton of weight, my husband was still way into me and my body. A lot of men are - maybe for the same reasons some men are super attracted to their pregnant wives (bigger breasts, more curves - hormones aside)

But mostly, gaining some weight doesn't make you stop caring for someone. I would agree with a lot of people who say he is probably in lust and not love.

I would be concerned he was all about the "image" of a trophy girlfriend. Seriously, ditch this guy! You need supportive people in your life and not this piece of crap.

Slammedtoys

Ditch the douche bag... Anyone that says something like that is a jac koff... If anything he should be encouraging and saying things like he lets go running tonight or lets get a gym membership together and see who can get it shape first.. I guess part of it is he is young and hasnt realized the proper way to approach certain issues, but either way it doesn't excuse his words.. you look fine the way you are, dont let this guy get you down!!

OLP76

If he's not supportin' you now! What makes you think he will be there when serious situations come along in the future....

vivjay67

Keep smiling!! And tell him he's lucky to have you no matter what you weigh.

I weigh 228lb and want to lose about 80lb. My partner has told me he loves me now and would love me if I gained 80lb. He doesn't care what I look like on the outside because it's what's inside that counts. He is supporting me because he knows I want to lose the weight for me but if I decided to stop losing weight tomorrow he'd still love me!!

If he really loves you he'll accept you no matter what!!

sarahliftsUP

Hi there! I am new to this MFP thing and really am enjoying it. At 5'5" I weigh in at 129 lbs. I have struggled with self image/body issues for as long as I can remember. I went from being (a then unexplained) 90 lbs in high school to about 140 lbs in less than 2 months. Once diagnosed with celiac disease I was able to start FEELING better, but unable to lose much of the weight. I have a boyfriend that I love and adore, and that loves me. On a recent vacation, I noticed a change in his "desire" for me... this person who couldn't keep his hands off of me before came off as very disinterested. I asked him about it (nagged, even) and he just paused and said "i dunno. just lose some weight." I have never been more hurt in all of my life. He has later apologized- not necessarily for saying it, but for hurting me. I don't think he said it out of anger, or to hurt me, but I really do think he thinks that. I am having the hardest time shaking it... it absolutely consumes me. I was planning on starting with a PT after our vacation anyway, but it has now lit a flame under me. I'm not doing it for him... but for me. I need to find any self confidence that I possibly can. Without completely bashing my boyfriend, what advice can yall give as far as helping me find some confidence? I feel completely alone and embarrassed. What has worked for you?

(background: I have a goal weight of about 120... it's more off of how I look. I am without very much muscle tone and am looking to "tone up"- especially in my mid-section where I carry most of my weight)

You need to surround yourself with positive and supportive people.. is your boyfriend going to be supportive for you? You need to decide what is a good goal for you. I would be absolutely devasted if my boyfriend told me to "just lose some weight." You need to concentrate on what you like about you. Start up an exercise that makes you feel good. If you want to concentrate on toning up, I would recommend pretty much any of Jillian Michael's work outs: 30 Day Shred, No More Trouble Zones, Banish Fat Boost Metabolism.. those three are my favourites. Do something that makes you feel good.. start running or go to the gym with a friend. Concentrate on being healthy for you, not your boyfriend or your family or friends, but you.

I wish you good luck and hope that you find the confidence in yourself that you deserve. You're a beautiful lady and shouldn't think otherwise.

MaryAnne1

"On that note: what IS a good way to bring up to your s/o that you think they need to lose or gain weight? All of you that are calling him an "*kitten*" or worse (lol), please provide an answer. I'd never want to intentionally hurt someone's feelings but what IS a good way to bring it up? The problem to me is that any attempts at being honest in this regard are either (a) ineffectual, in that they beat around the bush and nothing gets accomplished or (b) hurtful, and that's because people refuse to accept what I said above about love =/= physical attraction."

I do have to agree with this point. About a year ago my boyfriend told me I needed to lose weight, not because he found me unattractive, but because I was over 200 pounds and obese! When we met 4 years before I was around 150, so I had gained a huge amount of weight quickly, and it had gotten to the stage where something really did need to be done. I'd always tell myself that "this would be the year I'd lose weight" etc etc and then never do anything. BUT, it is totally something that I am doing for myself.

It was the kick up the *kitten* that I needed and I would never have lost the weight if he hadn't have told me. I agree that the way in which the OP's boyfriend told her was crap, but maybe he meant it to be a friendly nudge to tone up, or maybe he does only care about how she looks.

Either way, weight loss or toning up has to be solely for yourself or you'll never do it and won't be happy with yourself anyway.

PS. You're gorgeous - remember that !!!

ashlee954

If your profile pic is a current one... you look hot ... tell your BF to go for a long walk off a short pier :laugh: cause your a stunna! =]

Then go find yourself a real man... one who loves you for you!!! =] :flowerforyou:

Thats my 2c.... oh and Bash BASH bash!!!! :drinker:

Where's the LOVE button when you need it?!?!? You are gorgeous baby girl. If he is losing interest THEN you losing weight is not going to keep him around. Hopefully it was a slip and he didn't mean a word of it. But still...GEEEESH!

rherrin5

You are such a cute little thing! I think you look great the way you are but I know as a female we always pick at ourselves and strive for perfection. At best, just tone up a bit but dont beat yourself up, your beautiful and im not just saying that to boost your confidence. You look awesome! Your BMI is where it should be.

As for him, <sighs> I better not say anything because I wouldnt want to upset you, but he should be proud of you just the way you are. Maybe he is the one with issues and is pushing them off on you???

Bottom line, you have nothing to worry about!

fitnesspirateninja

You know your man more than anyone who is making comments against him. He may be someone who is often disrespectful to you, or he may be an good man who made the mistake in expressing his concern about your weight without realizing how much it would affect you. It's always best to express your opinion fully about ANYTHING that may trouble you. This is how relationships may develop. I see a positive sign that he apologized for it. He could be a complete jerk and ignore your feelings about his comment, but he didn't.

I have seen on the web a counseling session between a married man and a marriage counselor (I know that the situation is a little different because the two of you are not married). The man didn't have the same attractive feelings towards his wife-- although he really loved her--because she had gained weight. He tried not to say anything because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. This led to bigger problems in their marriage. The counselor told the man that he had to be honest with his wife, regardless how she might feel about it, in order to help improve their relationship. He was actually hurting them by remaining quiet.

You may want to be careful with him a bit. He could be confused about his feelings and think that your weight is the cause of his confusion. Help him to figure out what else may be troubling him. Relationships can develop with deep levels of communication. Again, YOU know who are dealing with, not US.

I am really glad someone said this - because it's along the lines of what I was thinking. It seems like we're reading too much into the OP's relationship. We know that he said a hurtful thing once. We don't know if this is an ongoing thing, or if he was just speaking without thinking. Sometimes its hard to communicate when you're in a relationship. I know I get all pissy about stuff sometimes because I didn't understand what my husband was trying to say. That being said, if your significant other is mean, disrespectful, and cuts you down on a regular basis, then yeah, your relationship isn't healthy and you need to end it and move on.

rdy2begin

I don't intend this to be harsh. Read it with a tone of compassion, not judgment.

I think you may want to see a counselor about your self-image, quite honestly. You're saying that you need tools to find self-confidence -- quite frankly, you look incredible (from your profile pic) and I think you have a distorted view of how your body really looks. I do think that exercise could only help, because a toned body feels and looks better, but 129 is not fat for your height. At all.

Agreed .I believe if this is for you to tone up Great ..Otherwise BF is only the extra weight you have ..seriously ..Counseling is a wonderful idea !

JillyBean819

Don't lose weight for anyone but yourself.

kaylamae90

I know you have heard a million people saying how he should love you no matter what blah blah blah... but I know how you feel. I am one of those people with horrible self esteem. My husband recently started seeming very disinterested in me and I asked why and after a lot of prying he finally told me that it would be good if I lost some weight.... however once I got him to explain he was able to give me a little reasoning and said it wasnt that he loved me thinner it was that he loved the confidence i had when i was thinner. I guess it is true. I read a lot of relationship books and one chapter hit home.... it talked about how guys like their girlfriends/wives to take pride in themselves and to put effort into taking care of themselves. maybe this is what he is talking about... maybe he will workout with you or play sports or something... feel free to add me as a friend if you need some motivating! good luck in your weight loss and confidence building journey!

SheliaN1960

Hi! First of all welcome and I hope that this site is helpful to you! I love it here. I am wearing a pair of slacks that I have not worn (the size) in over 5 years and MFP has been the motivation and support that I needed. Let me tell you something.......first let me bite my tongue so that I say this with love and sincere tenderness. I am 50 years old and my husband is now 64. We met 11 years ago and he is and was a very handsome and energetic man. For some reason in the state of Florida guys are very different (sorry guys, not all). I am from North Carolina. All of the girls here have to look like Hawaiian Tropic models and my husband could never except other wise. We had out boughts and finally I broke off the relationship with him for good. Two years ago he called and wanted to marry me no matter what my size. When I met him I weighed about 126 and in 2005 my son left for Iraq and unable to control myself I gained to 181. He married me at 175.0 and no matter how I tried I could not lose the added weight.( He reminded me all of the time) My son, Brandon came home this past July and sometime in December it just started to click for me and weight is starting to fall off. I think it is because I no longer care what he thinks about me, I care what I think about me! I am sorry for the story but I tell you this that my husband, in his struggle to "help" me casued me so much damage that I thought that I would never recover. YOU, understand that love loves you no matter what the reason. Sometime the ones we love can so mess up and say the wrong things, yeap I have one of those but this is about you! You do from this minute on what is the right thing for you....... (this is said with much love). I wish you such happiness on your new journey and you will not find better people to help you through this than the ones who have already traveled the road!!

SheliaN1960

Absolutely correct!!! You look Beautiful!!! I can not wait until I look more like you!

halobender

I am really glad someone said this - because it's along the lines of what I was thinking. It seems like we're reading too much into the OP's relationship. We know that he said a hurtful thing once. We don't know if this is an ongoing thing, or if he was just speaking without thinking. Sometimes its hard to communicate when you're in a relationship. I know I get all pissy about stuff sometimes because I didn't understand what my husband was trying to say. That being said, if your significant other is mean, disrespectful, and cuts you down on a regular basis, then yeah, your relationship isn't healthy and you need to end it and move on.

I like your response and the one that you quoted; in fact, there seem to be a lot of good posts on this page.

From the perspective of a guy who has been in a few long term relationships, I can certainly say that, um, sometimes we say things in a hurtful (or stupid) manner. There are tons of reasons why we might do this, but all in all it's usually that we have no idea whatsoever how we should communicate what we're thinking and it's something that has been, maybe ever so slightly, bothering us for a bit.

I don't think that ineffectual language is going to help, though. Most people could stand to be more concerned with their health.

TOYGRRRL

Two things... First - Congrats on taking the first step to taking care of yourself and controlling your weight. Having Celiac will take care of a whole lot of the high calorie carb intake. Be sure to take out added sugar from your diet (no more sodas and sweets) and eating lots of fresh veggies and fruit.

Second - I hurts to read that someone you are in a relationship with can say things that hurt you. I can only hope he was trying to motivate you to do something that you had already mentioned to him yourself. Otherwise, it can be the start of an emotionally abusive relationship.