Rude or not?

Pippi8

I don't think it was rude at all. You were telling her why YOU decided to get healthier, not telling her why SHE should. I'm guessing it just hit her in a serious, surreal sort of way...kind of a reality check. If she's always gotten by making excuses for herself and laughing herself out of her own committments to herself, she could have been suddenly struck with a deeper reason to change her lifestyle. Maybe she was jealous that you've made changes...maybe she felt intimidated by your strength and resolve at that moment. Who knows....it made her think and hopefully she'll find a way to get healthy. She probably says she 'can't do it' because it's easier that trying and failing...easier not to begin at all. She has some inner growth to do and we all are on our own time schedules as far as when we are ready to change our own lives. Not rude...just real and a little deep. From the heart.

iamhealingmyself

So by saying you look nice i am opening myself up for you to say i look not so nice. No wonder people don't give out compliments any more. I will remember that.

Well, nothing personal towards you b/c I don't know you, but I personally never take that kind of compliment well. If it's from a guy, he's usually looking for something. If it's from a girl, then she's probably finding 100 things wrong with how I'm dressed, how much I weigh whatever... Nothing is free whether or not you know the true cost.

No that is not the case in that example. I guess I worded it poorly. I'm tired and hungry and have been reading this thread for far too long. The point of comparison was that of the person asking the question... they are already comparing themselves to to the other person. Wow, she looks good I wonder how she did it (so I can do it too). That's cool, how did you learn to do that (so I can learn too). Hey! Nice new car, where did you get it (so I can buy one too) Stuff like that.

If she truly wanted to be rude about it, she could have replied to the "Oh I just can't do that" comment by saying "Yeah, you're right." and walking away. How small would she feel then? But then again, if she's got the I'll show you attitude, it might just motivate her.

If you don't really want to know the answer, then the question shouldn't be asked. It's like the other poster who said the woman was saying she couldn't afford to eat healthy foods, but that's really because she's spending all her money on take out. Where there is a will, there is a way. I have a quote on my work laptop that talks about a person being ready for something. I will post it tomorrow as I didn't bring it home today. It makes a lot of sense though. You can hear the same thing from 100 different people but until you're ready for it, you might as well be deaf.

We can all go back and forth over this 1000 times but really, we're not the OP or the other person so we really don't know WHAT we'd do in that situation. We are all filtering this based on our life experiences, not theirs. As she said, they're friends and the other girl knows that the OP tells it like it is. What her comments could have been were not so much excuses, but fears and a cry for help. It all depends on how you look at it. Any of us could try to talk this woman through how easy it is to do, but really wouldn't a real example work better? The OP could have said "yes you can - watch how easy this is.... whipped out her phone, pulled up the MFP app and entered her lunch in under a minute. How can you deny that kind of example? i mean unless she has no compatible phone, etc. but still - even that could have been worked around by a "yes you can, lets go to my desk and I'll show you how I enter my lunch" Even let her add something herself - or play with it by searching for things she eats. Without being pushy she could have closed the lesson with if you have any questions, feel free to ask me and let it go.

There are many many ways to say things as there are things to say. The whole thing really comes back to the OP. If she is feeling or second guessing that maybe she was hurt in some way, then she should say something. At least clear the air and let the other girl say it was nothing and maybe open the door for a "You really made me think" reply.

To the OP:
All you can do at this point is make sure she knows you're there for questions, support, help, etc. IF and WHEN she's ready. And if she's never ready, thank her for noticing all of your Hard work.

LovelySnugs

Who cares if it was rude?! Honestly! I wish people had been "rude" to me 60 lbs. ago. Then I wouldn't have stretch marks and be over 200 lbs. and be lethargic and wouldn't have had depression and ...shall I go on?

I think it's good that you were honest about what's important to you. If she internalizes it, then good! But it's ultimately up to her how she's going to handle it.

If you're feeling bad about it, might I suggest sending her an email with a link to MFP and your user name? Tell her it was really nice talking to her about your weight loss and tell her how great you feel already and you'd love it if she would join you. You can do it together!

Just an idea.

this.

Hotbysummer

Seriously! WHAT CAN she do?? Does she think there is a 'fat fairy' that comes by when you sleep and takes fat out of your body?! Or an 'easy skinny button'?!?! WOW! NO pain NO gain, (which always confused me..anduntil I got my lazy $@# up off the couch and did something about it!) DANG! I know what you feel like about being rude, my bestfriend from childhood has a major weight issue!! Her and I spent a lot of time together over the summer(probably attributes to my weight, lol) but she always notices the difference in my body, because we don't see eachother on a regular basis, and in the same sentance talks about how she is always tired, feels sick throughout the day, aches, pains, blah blah blah!!!!! As she interrupts our phone conversation to place a fast food drive through order!!!!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHH! COME ON PEOPLE WHO DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR BODIES!!!!! I really wish I had said what you said! Because I may be the rude one by NOT saying it!!! I just hope one day she realizes (your friend, and mine)that this is the only body we get to live in.....treating it right is key!!!!!

123456654321

This is quickly approaching the dreaded (for a guy) "does this make my butt look big" question for which there is not only no good answer but is also impossible to duck.
Nothing you can say will ever be right.

If a person asks it then they should be ready to deal with the answer...if they ask it only to be told that they are fine then the problem is still theirs.
I don`t know how one confronts something like this without in someones opinion being considered rude.

Hell, I'd want an answer to that question if I asked it. But I would NOT want it if I didn't ask for it.

Just for the sake of discussion what if the honest answer was not what you liked?
I mean would a person ask that wanting to hear a yes or would they ask that hoping to hear something that made them feel okay with what they wanted to believe?

I could be wrong there and not trying to create an argument but my guess is the person involved knows what they need to do but isn`t willing yet and was hoping that somehow an escape from that reality would be offered dishonestly.

Oh no, if I straight up asked for a persons opinion, I want an honest answer...even if it's an answer I don't like.

.....Not sure how your question could start an argument.

Nailrep

Kinda like religion or politics. You spoke your mind (out of concern). So now you have to leave it alone. Maybe she will think about what you said. Hopefully she does!

iamhealingmyself

The quote I was referring to last night comes from Think And Grow Rich:
No one is ready for a thing unit he BELIEVES he can ACQUIRE it.

Based on her "oh I couldn't do that" reply, she's not ready yet. She doesn't see herself living that way and being happy.

Coleman73

Well it is different now. Since we have hand held phones that can tell us calories in an instant. I would introduce her to my fitness pal it makes calorie counting so much more do able. Give people the tools they are the ones who choose to use em.

Woodman725

I don't know if anyone else mentioned it this way, but in the context of things you were not rude at all. If she was talking to some person who weighed 115 lbs and just said "Hey, you're so thin. How do you do it?" and that person answered the same way you did, it would be rude. But coming from someone who is/was overweight with the experience and understanding with all that goes along with that, it's totally acceptable. I'm not saying that someone who never smoked can't tell a person to stop smoking, but in this case she asked about it, she deserves to hear the truth even if it's someone else's truth.

TenaciousTAZ

Most people are in denial. They want results but refuse to put in the effort. My mother's poor health gave me a wake up call and I dropped 80. Its sad that my mother is still in denial that her health issues are due to obesity.
You can be blunt or sugar coat things, but many people just refuse to listen and think that it is some magic. It's called discipline, and hard work. I have the calluses to prove it!
SW 230
CW 150

meggonkgonk

From my perspective it was probably a step too far. No finger wagging, I can understand where it came from- it's a really frustrating situation! My best friend from home (we live about 200 mi away) ALWAYS complains about her weight and when I started to lose we had a similar interaction where she just declared that she wasn't "committed enough" to count calories and she preferred to just add work outs and cut back on her portions/getting take out. I WANTED to be like "well then don't bother" and list all of the reasons that that wouldnt help her adjust her habits permenently. But I kind of paused, and then went on to really encourage her- she got a trainer and he has her doing kettlebells and she loves the elliptical (both exercises I despise) but she feels great so I put in the enthusiasm.

Anyway, long way of saying that maybe the harsher words will help your coworker, but chances are they just made her feel like crap. None of us is perfect, and every single one of us has been in a position where we think "this" is nearly impossible. So to me, the better route is encouragement and gentle dispelling of common myths (SUGAR IS EVIL! POTATOES AND BREAD ARE THE DEVIL!) because ultimately you want them to come around to your way of thinking, and snapping (no matter how justifable and understandable) really won't get you there.

O.o I didn't snap at her. I didn't say it in a b*tchy way. I was smiling and just matter of fact. She brought it up. I don't shoot rainbows up people's bums lol. PCism is killing the country.

I think you just really wanted from this post is to feel good about not thinking this was rude. I'm sorry you got mixed opinions, but this is mine- if you really gave a crap about your friend at all, you should have approached it in a manner that would not turn her off or make her feel crappy. Just cuz you were smiling doesn't stop it from being b*tchy or snappy.

And people thinking their way is the only way is what's killing this country.

Next time, don't ask for an opinion if all you want is to hear your own.

tater8589

If your normaly blunt, then not rude. You may have hurt her feelings, but it was probably more of a wake up call to her. Maybe once she bandages her feelings she will consider a healthier lifestyle like you have. Since you work together, try "helping" her count her cals, for a week write what she eats on a note pad and figure the cals from MFP on the paper for her, at the end of the week show her what she's eating and show her (guesstimate if you need to) what she should be eating (cal count). Its more effort on your part, but she may see how easy it is and really appreciate it. Good luck.

NZGeekGirl

I really agree with the person who said that often our friends enable us. Realistically everyone knows that our freinds normally do that, normally tell us what we want to hear. It's something I'm actually sick of. I would prefer someone who had the guts and trusted the freindship enough to talk to me like the OP did to hers. Even if it was rude (and I still don't think it was) the OP was in a position to give an honest answer and she did. I personally think that's something to value.

The best thing that happened to me was having a personal trainer take me on, since then I've heard from a reliable source what I NEED to hear...not what I WANT to hear. My decreasing dress size is proving it.

That_Girl

From my perspective it was probably a step too far. No finger wagging, I can understand where it came from- it's a really frustrating situation! My best friend from home (we live about 200 mi away) ALWAYS complains about her weight and when I started to lose we had a similar interaction where she just declared that she wasn't "committed enough" to count calories and she preferred to just add work outs and cut back on her portions/getting take out. I WANTED to be like "well then don't bother" and list all of the reasons that that wouldnt help her adjust her habits permenently. But I kind of paused, and then went on to really encourage her- she got a trainer and he has her doing kettlebells and she loves the elliptical (both exercises I despise) but she feels great so I put in the enthusiasm.

Anyway, long way of saying that maybe the harsher words will help your coworker, but chances are they just made her feel like crap. None of us is perfect, and every single one of us has been in a position where we think "this" is nearly impossible. So to me, the better route is encouragement and gentle dispelling of common myths (SUGAR IS EVIL! POTATOES AND BREAD ARE THE DEVIL!) because ultimately you want them to come around to your way of thinking, and snapping (no matter how justifable and understandable) really won't get you there.

O.o I didn't snap at her. I didn't say it in a b*tchy way. I was smiling and just matter of fact. She brought it up. I don't shoot rainbows up people's bums lol. PCism is killing the country.

I think you just really wanted from this post is to feel good about not thinking this was rude. I'm sorry you got mixed opinions, but this is mine- if you really gave a crap about your friend at all, you should have approached it in a manner that would not turn her off or make her feel crappy. Just cuz you were smiling doesn't stop it from being b*tchy or snappy.

And people thinking their way is the only way is what's killing this country.

Next time, don't ask for an opinion if all you want is to hear your own.

I didn't approach her at all LOL She came to me. In fact, she asked me for this website yesterday. Maybe she'll join, maybe she won't. I asked her if she thought I was rude and she laughed and said, "What?! What was rude? I feel the same way!"

So...That's that.

And PCism is killing the country. Next time I want an opinion, I just won't ask for yours

123456654321

she asked me for this website yesterday. Maybe she'll join, maybe she won't. I asked her if she thought I was rude and she laughed and said, "What?! What was rude? I feel the same way!"

So...That's that.

Glad she didn't seem to take it badly.

...lol, what if she joins and finds this thread? :laugh:

That_Girl

she asked me for this website yesterday. Maybe she'll join, maybe she won't. I asked her if she thought I was rude and she laughed and said, "What?! What was rude? I feel the same way!"

So...That's that.

Glad she didn't seem to take it badly.

...lol, what if she joins and finds this thread? :laugh:

:laugh: Well, I never said anything bad about her. I think she's great!

I don't know if she'll join, but I'm happy she asked.

Hotbysummer

Just delete the post..solves that, no need to discourage her, our give her a bad taste, our idea about MFP:)

iamhealingmyself

I think if she was to join and read the post that she would see that her friend really cares about her, not only to tell her what's on her mind but to reconsider HOW she said it as well. Everyone is bothered by something and it doesn't matter if it's our kids, siblings, friends or parents. That which is closest to you will eventually be a source of irritation. That doesn't mean we don't care about the people any more or that we don't want anything to do with them. It just means that we have to do what's best for us and sometimes, that means limiting the exposure to the irritant. Sometimes, like in the case of vaccines, the irritant is actually the cure.

We ALL think about things that bother us and maybe even talk to someone about it. How is this any different? OP had a moment to reflect on what she said ABOUT HERSELF but then realized that if the one asking the question was really ready for an answer or help, the conversation wouldn't have stopped there. It could have been the spark that changes her life, who really knows for sure but her. I'm sure that's why they remain friends. They are beneficial to each other in their own way and it is not for us to judge or decide anything about their relationship. If you find it offensive, you're free to stop reading and posting here. I don't feel compelled to post every response I might right. Sometimes I just need to vent and never click post because when I have a moment to think about what I've said, it's just not worth it, but the getting it out is very therapeutic

I hope she does join and comes to you for help and you are able to help her too so that she may be able to pay it forward to someone else.