Who is MFP for?

Ms_Natalie

I'm going to respectfully request that we keep this post to a civil level of discourse.

Some of the folks posting on here are obviously bothered by some of the replies, as well as the original posting.

What I would like to remind everyone is if you cannot keep your own replies civil and respectful, regardless of other posts or replies, then you yourself risk moderator action as well (as per the site rules).


So please folks, before I'm forced to take actions that the moderators loath to take (locking or removing a thread, we don't ever like doing it, and always consider all other avenues before doing so), I request that you make your best effort to keeping your replies civil and respectful.

thank you.

SHBoss1673
MyFitnessPal forum moderator

please guys...let's keep it civil!

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LorinaLynn

Slight change of subject, but what *is* the best way to support someone with ED?

Someone who knows they have a problem and wants to get healthy... that's one thing. But someone who's in the grips of it doesn't realize it's a problem, or worse, doesn't *care* that it's a problem. They're just going to get angry and upset if you tell them they're only hurting themselves. And I don't want someone who needs the support and help this site can give to run off because they're feeling ganged up on.

I like helping people. I like encouraging people to reach their goals. But I don't feel qualified in some areas, and don't want to do more harm than good.

Airbear3

bump

♥Faerie♥

2Lorina...

That is very difficult to do, because most with ED's have some kind of trauma that has lead them to this point, its really more about having control of something, ANYTHING, in their life, when everything else is so out of control. So to help someone like this, you really have to know them, and get to that underlying problem, which sometimes is very difficult. Support is really all you can offer, and when they fall, try your best to help them stand again.....

chuisle

Slight change of subject, but what *is* the best way to support someone with ED?

Someone who knows they have a problem and wants to get healthy... that's one thing. But someone who's in the grips of it doesn't realize it's a problem, or worse, doesn't *care* that it's a problem. They're just going to get angry and upset if you tell them they're only hurting themselves. And I don't want someone who needs the support and help this site can give to run off because they're feeling ganged up on.

I like helping people. I like encouraging people to reach their goals. But I don't feel qualified in some areas, and don't want to do more harm than good.

Great question! Also, very productive point to draw from this!

chuisle

2Lorina...

That is very difficult to do, because most with ED's have some kind of trauma that has lead them to this point, its really more about having control of something, ANYTHING, in their life, when everything else is so out of control. So to help someone like this, you really have to know them, and get to that underlying problem, which sometimes is very difficult. Support is really all you can offer, and when they fall, try your best to help them stand again.....

What is the difference between offering support and encouraging their ED? Can you provide some examples/phrases etc. (

(honest question, not an argument!

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suzycreamcheese

i think the best way to support someone with an ED is to not make an issue of it.
By all means let them know that there are other more effective healthier ways to control their weight, but dont go on about it because theyll just end up hiding stuff from you or withdrawing

AlwaysWanderer

talking about pro-ana/mia whats the difference really. One is encouraging people to eat less and exercise more and the other is encouraging people to eat less and exercise more............................oh wait!!!

The ONLY difference is whether the persons starting weight. Ive seen plenty of people go WAHEY WTG GREAT JOB when someone restricts heavily, but because they could do with losing a few lbs, its not seen as a big deal.


Pro-ana/mia sites do not give people eating disorders. They do not try and stop people from recovering in my experience if thats what the person wants. i have been on a few when i was at my worst and there was nearly always a supportive forum on each one for people who wanted to recover, where they would get support and encouragement, but in my experience of the pro-ed boards ive been on, they were the ONLY place where people understood where i was coming from, yet didnt try and bully me into getting better, therefore making me just hide what i was doing even more. They were the only places i could be honest, and i got good support for the emotional side of things, yet people would also be happy for me when i acheived my personal goals, even if they werent "officially healthy". One by one the boards all got closed down though through peoples outrage etc etc, and yes, now there are hardly any boards like that. Its hard to find them, and theres always the risk theyll get shut down and the communities forcibly disbanded as though people with EDs are some sort of criminals who shouldnt be allowed to discuss things like that unless theyre pretending to want to get better.

People will ONLY recover when THEY are ready.

Just out of interest. If you had a teenage doughter who was anorexic/bulimic, and she didnt eat anything all dey, would you say "well done darling, you've achieved your goal", and when her muscle tissue was dissapering, as there was no more fat on her, would you say "dont worry darling, eat something WHENEVER YOU'RE READY"? It doesnt matter that they are very slowly dying? There shouldnt be any ana.mia pro-supportive sites, because it shouldnt be supported.

kristiek7

Slight change of subject, but what *is* the best way to support someone with ED?

Someone who knows they have a problem and wants to get healthy... that's one thing. But someone who's in the grips of it doesn't realize it's a problem, or worse, doesn't *care* that it's a problem. They're just going to get angry and upset if you tell them they're only hurting themselves. And I don't want someone who needs the support and help this site can give to run off because they're feeling ganged up on.

I like helping people. I like encouraging people to reach their goals. But I don't feel qualified in some areas, and don't want to do more harm than good.

Well just be there for them when they do reach out for help. Don't judge. Don't criticize. Love love love. You won't understand why they do this. How they can hurt their own bodies. Don't say 'you're disgusting'. When they reach that rock bottom of helplessness, just be the light. Recovery can be a minute to minute process. One step forward and a million back. It's so so much more than appearance. It's wanting to disappear. It's wanting the hurt to stop. Be the safe place. I can't say anymore right now........this is hard.

DarkAngel864

2Lorina...

That is very difficult to do, because most with ED's have some kind of trauma that has lead them to this point, its really more about having control of something, ANYTHING, in their life, when everything else is so out of control. So to help someone like this, you really have to know them, and get to that underlying problem, which sometimes is very difficult. Support is really all you can offer, and when they fall, try your best to help them stand again.....

What is the difference between offering support and encouraging their ED? Can you provide some examples/phrases etc. (

(honest question, not an argument!

Thank you for asking! It can be a fine line of helping/hurting an ED. I have many friends on here that are still in ED and some that are in early recovery. I never encourage their limited calories or give them tips to lose weight. Simply tell them I am there to listen or give healthy suggestions. It's like I told someone else....if one of my ED friends is posting that they've had 500 cals, to an outsider it might seem 'sick' but to them, it might be 400 more than yesterday, ya know?

I think just like any other hardship in life, being a friend is just being supportive, concerned, loving and non judgemental. :flowerforyou:

chuisle

i think the best way to support someone with an ED is to not make an issue of it.
By all means let them know that there are other more effective healthier ways to control their weight, but dont go on about it because theyll just end up hiding stuff from you or withdrawing

That's true and it's not...People with EDs will withdraw when confronted often but we are also talking about a life threatening condition as halina pointed out. An ED MUST be dealt with at some point. People don't usually just grow out of it/get over it. It requires help. Don't you think?

PeachyKeene

Unfortunately, we can't control whether a person is already to skinny trying to lose more weight. I understand were you are coming from, and I recognize it from time to time. I try to give support and be friends with people that are in my similar situation.

Scentlessapprentice

As a recovering bulimic and someone now at the opposite end of the weight scale and trying to lose weight. I haven't been offended at all by the OP post. If you don't understand something or want to learn more then ASK. He did. It its a shame that the "I didn't approve that comment so therefore no-one can say it police" don't understand that.

Anyway rant over I'm very bored by the" he said she said "responses going on, I left the school playground many years ago.

Good luck to everyone on their weigh loss, weight increase, fitness improving journeys

♥Faerie♥

2Lorina...

That is very difficult to do, because most with ED's have some kind of trauma that has lead them to this point, its really more about having control of something, ANYTHING, in their life, when everything else is so out of control. So to help someone like this, you really have to know them, and get to that underlying problem, which sometimes is very difficult. Support is really all you can offer, and when they fall, try your best to help them stand again.....

What is the difference between offering support and encouraging their ED? Can you provide some examples/phrases etc. (

(honest question, not an argument!

Well, when you are online, its just very difficult. The best you could do is not giving that person congrats when they lose a pound, and if they mention gaining, give them all the praise in the world, make them feel that having control means treating the body well, not depriving it.... if they make good choices that day, say something, don't let it go un-noticed.
But if they do relapse, try to offer support in a way that is not making it seem like they have failed, which I know is hard. Let them know they really do have to take it day by day, hour by hour....maybe ask them if they have ever talked to anyone professionally about this, or anyone that is in their life at all.... encourage them to if they haven't.
Really, that is all I have, I am not the best at advice, so I hope this at least makes some kind of sense!♥ Be well everyone....

kittytompsett

Seems that things are getting a bit heated and it's totally understandable. I currently suffer with non purging bulimia after recovering from anorexia and binge eating disorder. I use the site as a way of controlling my eating, I need a great deal of control otherwise I get very anxious. ED's seem to be a very contentious issue and it's understandable esp on a fitness website.

However, I do feel I need to say that comments around being too thin, skeletal and unattractive etc are very unhelpful and possibly damaging.

I often find myself wishing that I could put someone else in my shoes for a day just so they totally understand because explaining it makes very little sense to someone who doesn't have eating issues. Having a ED is not just about being thin, it's about control, self punishment and ultimately self hatred. Now if being here and having the ability and place to speak freely about how we are feeling, even if those feelings at times are not what others would call healthy can help a little bit then that's a good thing.

I understand how seeing posts and profiles of those with ED's can be upsetting for some, it is upsetting. But if it really bothers you don't look, just think, if it's upsetting you that much imagine how that person is feeling at the time.

I know the OP wasn't specifically about ED but I just wanted to share and write from my perspective.

suzycreamcheese

[quote/]
Just out of interest. If you had a teenage doughter who was anorexic/bulimic, and she didnt eat anything all dey, would you say "well done darling, you've achieved your goal", and when her muscle tissue was dissapering, as there was no more fat on her, would you say "dont worry darling, eat something WHENEVER YOU'RE READY"? It doesnt matter that they are very slowly dying? There shouldnt be any ana.mia pro-supportive sites, because it shouldnt be supported.
[/quote/]

Of course not, im her mother, but im not YOUR mother, or anyone on this sites mother, so dont expect to have to parent you and dont really appreciate other random people trying to parent and patronise me either thanks.
If i want help i will ask for it, and if i dont want help - well im sorry, theres nothing you can do. You can forcefeed an anorexic and she will gain weight, but she wont be recovered. You can stop a bulimic from throwing up her food, but you havent cured her. Youve just taken away her coping mechanism.

DerGraf

I love fat people, skinny people, muscular people, flabby people, fit people, unfit people, anorexic people, bulimic people,
stupid people, smart people, illiterate people, funny people, boring people, beautiful people, ugly people, sexy people, gross people, black people, white people, brown people, red people, asian people, crabby people, happy people, legal people, illegal people, any kind of people really....

what I don't like is FAKE people.

As long as you're true to yourself, who gives a flying motherf%#k.

I don't even know if what I just wrote has anything to do with this thread. But it doesn't sound so bad, so I'm not going to erase it.

Later.

skinnywithin

i have to whole heartedly agee with Big Beaver and Zebrahead, this site is so much more to so many people. for people with an eating disorder, its a tool to help take control of their lives and get the support from wonderful friends who genuinally seem to care about what they are going through! For people that are trying to lose weight, this is a great tool to count calories, keep track of food intake and exercise, and get support from, again, great people who care and can understand. For people who just want to get toned, for what ever the reason, via healthy look, or a triathalon, marathon,which is my reason for being here. i found some of the most amazing people i will ever know, who gave me the support i needed to keep working toward my goal, when NOBODY in my day to day life, friends or family, with the exception of one very special person in my life, would do!!

Jeff, have you ever been told by every one in you life that you can't achieve the one thing you want most in your life. well guess what, i have and i have found that this site and my friends have become my HOME, my safe place where i get the encourgement and support to keep me working on being fit, healthy, eating better, and working towards a better way of life!

So before you make the decision that this is a site for just overweight people, why dont you think twice about judging what others need and goals are! This sitehas also become a release for stress which for your information is again a way to be healthier!

This is a site to become healthy, what every the goal, lose weight,gain weight, maintain weight, tone, and above all get the support from "FAMILY" because thats how ive come to view many of my friends here, because they are here for me when others that should be in my "real life" arent. .

to all my "family" on here...I thank you for your love and suppory every step of the way that you give me in reaching my goals.!!!!! I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!


My last thought to people like Jeff is if you want a site for just weight loss and for people losing weight, join Jenny Craig!!!!

That is all.......

I LOVE YOU GIRL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

kittytompsett

2Lorina...

That is very difficult to do, because most with ED's have some kind of trauma that has lead them to this point, its really more about having control of something, ANYTHING, in their life, when everything else is so out of control. So to help someone like this, you really have to know them, and get to that underlying problem, which sometimes is very difficult. Support is really all you can offer, and when they fall, try your best to help them stand again.....

What is the difference between offering support and encouraging their ED? Can you provide some examples/phrases etc. (

(honest question, not an argument!

Thank you for asking! It can be a fine line of helping/hurting an ED. I have many friends on here that are still in ED and some that are in early recovery. I never encourage their limited calories or give them tips to lose weight. Simply tell them I am there to listen or give healthy suggestions. It's like I told someone else....if one of my ED friends is posting that they've had 500 cals, to an outsider it might seem 'sick' but to them, it might be 400 more than yesterday, ya know?

I think just like any other hardship in life, being a friend is just being supportive, concerned, loving and non judgemental. :flowerforyou:

Great reply hun

lowlevelrebel

Obviously just my two (rambling) cents but this is obviously a very trigger-y subject for a lot of people, on both sides. I feel like those who have loved ones suffering from EDs or who have struggled/are struggling with them themselves see a post like the OP's and see just another message from someone who doesn't understand their journey telling them to look better, look a different way, and then you'll be accepted. Which, clearly, not helpful and hurtful. However on the other side there are those for whom seeing people at very low weights for their height/frame is troubling, something they don't want to encourage, or something they feel uncomfortable with. And some fat people feel their whole lives as if they don't belong, as if they're not welcome in "normal" groups and feel protective of this space.

The website might have been marketed as a weight-loss site because, let's face it, in the western world at least, there are probably more people looking to lose weight than gain it. But it's a fitness site and can and should be used by a variety of people for their fitness needs. Ultimately, MFP is whatever you make it, I think. My suspicion is that any site that offers calorie-counters as well as ways to tell calories burned will attract a certain amount of people with EDs, no matter what a site's "mandate" is. And from a personal perspective, I'll admit that I had pre-conceived notions about people with EDs. HOWEVER: If I had restricted myself to only befriending/talking to those people whose lifestyles and goals matched up with my own, I would be doing myself a disservice. I'm learning more about the reasons behind the behaviour and seeing the person before I see the condition. It's what I'd ask of people to see of me. Am I any better for judging people on how little they weigh rather than people who judge me for how much I weigh? Unlikely.

So while I'm sad to see the vitriol being exchanged here, it doesn't surprise me. Weight-loss and eating disorders are, as I said, VERY trigger-y issues. If we can all respect the exchanges going on, I think it will bring a level of understanding and discussion that you might not be able to have in real life.

Unless the OP was just trying to be a sheet-disturber in which case.. :P

And also..

Slight change of subject, but what *is* the best way to support someone with ED?

Someone who knows they have a problem and wants to get healthy... that's one thing. But someone who's in the grips of it doesn't realize it's a problem, or worse, doesn't *care* that it's a problem. They're just going to get angry and upset if you tell them they're only hurting themselves. And I don't want someone who needs the support and help this site can give to run off because they're feeling ganged up on.

I like helping people. I like encouraging people to reach their goals. But I don't feel qualified in some areas, and don't want to do more harm than good.

This. Absolutely.

AlwaysWanderer

[quote/]
Just out of interest. If you had a teenage doughter who was anorexic/bulimic, and she didnt eat anything all dey, would you say "well done darling, you've achieved your goal", and when her muscle tissue was dissapering, as there was no more fat on her, would you say "dont worry darling, eat something WHENEVER YOU'RE READY"? It doesnt matter that they are very slowly dying? There shouldnt be any ana.mia pro-supportive sites, because it shouldnt be supported.
[/quote/]

Of course not, im her mother, but im not YOUR mother, or anyone on this sites mother, so dont expect to have to parent you and dont really appreciate other random people trying to parent and patronise me either thanks.
If i want help i will ask for it, and if i dont want help - well im sorry, theres nothing you can do. You can forcefeed an anorexic and she will gain weight, but she wont be recovered. You can stop a bulimic from throwing up her food, but you havent cured her. Youve just taken away her coping mechanism.

You are probably very right :sad: It's just very hard to watch, or to turn around saying 'Its not my concern'

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cem789

the second i opened this i knew it would become a debate about eating disorders!

i find it interesting that people without eating disorders have such a need to voice their opinion....

skinnywithin

GOOD LORD !!!!! Can't we all just get along !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone on here nedds to worry about thier own reasons they came to this site and NOT why someone else did !!! If you are concentrating on your own weight loss then you shouldnt have time to worry about some one else !~~

I have made such great friends on this site and have gotten more support from strangers than I have ever gotten from home ! SO with that being said I LOVE ALL MY CURRENT MFP PALS AND WELCOME NEW ONES !!!!!!! :drinker: :bigsmile: :flowerforyou:

prettypain

Seems that things are getting a bit heated and it's totally understandable. I currently suffer with non purging bulimia after recovering from anorexia and binge eating disorder. I use the site as a way of controlling my eating, I need a great deal of control otherwise I get very anxious. ED's seem to be a very contentious issue and it's understandable esp on a fitness website.

However, I do feel I need to say that comments around being too thin, skeletal and unattractive etc are very unhelpful and possibly damaging.

I often find myself wishing that I could put someone else in my shoes for a day just so they totally understand because explaining it makes very little sense to someone who doesn't have eating issues. Having a ED is not just about being thin, it's about control, self punishment and ultimately self hatred. Now if being here and having the ability and place to speak freely about how we are feeling, even if those feelings at times are not what others would call healthy can help a little bit then that's a good thing.

I understand how seeing posts and profiles of those with ED's can be upsetting for some, it is upsetting. But if it really bothers you don't look, just think, if it's upsetting you that much imagine how that person is feeling at the time.

I know the OP wasn't specifically about ED but I just wanted to share and write from my perspective.

prettypain

GOOD LORD !!!!! Can't we all just get along !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Everyone on here nedds to worry about thier own reasons they came to this site and NOT why someone else did !!! If you are concentrating on your own weight loss then you shouldnt have time to worry about some one else !~~

I have made such great friends on this site and have gotten more support from strangers than I have ever gotten from home ! SO with that being said I LOVE ALL MY CURRENT MFP PALS AND WELCOME NEW ONES !!!!!!! :drinker: :bigsmile: :flowerforyou:

AlwaysWanderer

talking about pro-ana/mia whats the difference really. One is encouraging people to eat less and exercise more and the other is encouraging people to eat less and exercise more............................oh wait!!!

The ONLY difference is whether the persons starting weight. Ive seen plenty of people go WAHEY WTG GREAT JOB when someone restricts heavily, but because they could do with losing a few lbs, its not seen as a big deal.


Pro-ana/mia sites do not give people eating disorders. They do not try and stop people from recovering in my experience if thats what the person wants. i have been on a few when i was at my worst and there was nearly always a supportive forum on each one for people who wanted to recover, where they would get support and encouragement, but in my experience of the pro-ed boards ive been on, they were the ONLY place where people understood where i was coming from, yet didnt try and bully me into getting better, therefore making me just hide what i was doing even more. They were the only places i could be honest, and i got good support for the emotional side of things, yet people would also be happy for me when i acheived my personal goals, even if they werent "officially healthy". One by one the boards all got closed down though through peoples outrage etc etc, and yes, now there are hardly any boards like that. Its hard to find them, and theres always the risk theyll get shut down and the communities forcibly disbanded as though people with EDs are some sort of criminals who shouldnt be allowed to discuss things like that unless theyre pretending to want to get better.

People will ONLY recover when THEY are ready.

Just out of interest. If you had a teenage doughter who was anorexic/bulimic, and she didnt eat anything all dey, would you say "well done darling, you've achieved your goal", and when her muscle tissue was dissapering, as there was no more fat on her, would you say "dont worry darling, eat something WHENEVER YOU'RE READY"? It doesnt matter that they are very slowly dying? There shouldnt be any ana.mia pro-supportive sites, because it shouldnt be supported.

No, but I also wouldn't tell her that looking at her makes me want to vomit in my own mouth. I also wouldn't judge her, criticize her, call her stupid, tell her that she is vain and all those other things that the thinner girls on MFP sometimes get. I would love her, support her as best as I could and always be there when she needed. And I wouldn't force feed her unless her life was in immediate danger because that would just make her hate food, and me, more.

Maybe you should take a proper look at the pro ana sites. They are mainly about connecting with those that understand how you feel. Yes, there are the ones written by younger girls that are full of ana's creed and tips and purging, but the vast majority are just a safe place to talk about how you really feel. The ones that give tips on purging and hiding your ED and encourage you to worship anorexia like a god are extremely dangerous for young girls, I absolutely agree. But the ones that are just safe place to talk without judgement... What's wrong with that? If my daughter visited these sites to find support and understanding (NOT tips and tricks though) I'd allow it. Under my supervision, of course.

I wish there was a 'like' button.
And I've never suggested to

tell her that looking at her makes me want to vomit in my own mouth. I also wouldn't judge her, criticize her, call her stupid, tell her that she is vain and all those other things that the thinner girls on MFP sometimes get.

Unknown

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