To spank, or not to spank!?!

AJCM

hey i have the same problem.........i took advise from my sister who has two perfect children asking for permission to go to the toilet even, sleep on time, while as my kiddo is a little hell cat screaming and throwing tantrums...she believes in spanking her children once a blue moon. her logic: we used to get spanked when we were kiddos and we turned out to be alright. so probably we need to adopt both the methods

Keep in mind that the logic of "It happended to us / it happened in the past" is problematic. Slavery happened in the past, as did the oppression of women, etc and we now know better, and do better.
:flowerforyou:

kimber607

Hi

I'm a big time non-spanker..I cringe thinking about it...
I don't condone violence or hitting for any reason (i teach my children not to retaliate even if they are hit, but to tell me or their teacher )
I agree that we need to teach by example...and I don't see how hitting teaches or solves anything
Believe me I feel for all the parents on this board as being a parent though rewarding, is the most difficult job I have ever had
At times, it can be down right frustrating (when you are trying to do the right thing but exhausted)

What's worked great for me is 1-2-3 magic and being CONSISTENT

Good luck and ((HUGS)) to all the parents out there
I know we all want what is best for our children...

Kim

jlwhelan1

An addendum to my previous (very long) post.

We taught our children hitting others is wrong and, as noted, we don't spank. We taught them to stand up for others.

My then third grader had the fortitude to go and talk to the principal when her teacher, who she liked and admired very much, hit a child in her classroom. Corporal punishment is not against the law for schools in my state. However, this teacher was removed from teaching and, from what I understand, retired. I am very proud of my daughter for her ability to make this judgment call (on her own, she did not talk to us about it first). She was guilt ridden for months that she talked to the principal and the teacher was removed, however we have used this as a springboard for talking about consequences for actions. The teacher chose to strike a student and the consequence was removal from the classroom and the job.

lina1131

I do not like to spank (with that being said, i have done it a couple of times very lightly when she was in danger).

If Lilliana is throwing a tantrum and crying. I tell her "Lilliana, you can cry if you want to, but you need to cry in your room with the door closed. When you are done crying, you can come out. Do you want to go to your room and cry?" and she'll say "No" and i'll say "then you need to stop crying" and she'll cry a little more and i'll remind her that she can cry, but she needs to do it in her room. She eventually stops after 2 or 3 reminders and goes and does something else.

ShellyBee

OKAY I AM POSTING THIS IN ALL CAPS AS I WANT IT TO GET THE ATTENTION IT DESERVES AND I REALLY WANT YOU TO READ IT AND ATLEAST GIVE IT A TRY.

I AM A 31 YEAR OLD MOTHER OF 3 CHILDREN AGES 9,7 & 1.......AS WELL I RUN A DAY CARE AND HAVE 4 CHILDREN IN MY CARE DAILY AGES 7,3,15 MONTHS & 10 MONTHS.

SO I THINK I KINDA KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT JUST A LITTLE BIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FIRST OFF.....SPANKING TEACHES CHILDREN NOTHING MORE THAN TO HIT.

THE KEY TO MAKING A CHILD MIND IT TO BE CONSISTENT. YOU MUST MAKE SURE EVERYONE IN THE HOUSEHOLD IS ON THE EXACT SAME PAGE WHEN IT COMES TO PUNISHING A CHILD, AS WELL AS EXTENDED FAMILY.

IT IS TRIAL AND ERROR BUT EVENTUALLY YOU WILL FIND THE ONE THING THAT WORKS FOR YOUR CHILD....EXAMPLE, A FAVORITE TOY, TIME OUT, BEING CONFINED, ECT.

HERE IS WHAT I DO......

I FIRST SAY NO IN A VOICE WHERE THE CHILD IS GOING TO HEAR ME, I STOP THE BEHAVIOUR IMMEDIATELY AND REMOVE THE CHILD FROM THE SITUATION, IF THEY DO IT AGAIN YOU REMOVE THEM AGAIN. WHEN I SAY NO I ALWAYS SAY "NO THANK-YOU" BELIEVE IT OR NOT YOU CAN GET YOUR POINT ACROSS WHILE STILL TEACHING THEM TO BE POLITE.
I USE STAIRS AS TIME OUT, THEY SIT THERE FOR 1 MINUTE OF EVERY YEAR OF LIFE, I ALSO USE 1-2-3 SYSTEM AND BELIEVE ME OR NOT I HAVE NEVER EVER BEEN PAST 2.
IF IN PUBLIC AND YOUR CHILD THROWS A FIT.....IT DOESNT MATTER WHERE YOU ARE OR WHAT YOU ARE DOING YOU LEAVE........YOU MAKE THAT CHILD KNOW EVERY SINGLE TIME THAT THE BEHAVIOUR IS ABSOLUTELY NO OKAY......EVENTUALLY AS THAT CHILD GET'S OLDER AND GROWS TO LOVE OUTTINGS YOU WILL SEE THAT LEAVING IS TRULY TAKING THE PRIVILAGE AWAY.
ALSO REWARD REWARD REWARD GOOD BEHAVIOUR....ONCE A CHILD SEES THAT GOOD BEHAVIOUR REWARDS THEM THEY WILL WANT TO BE GOOD ALL OF THE TIME.

THE THING TO REMEMBER IS THIS......PLEASE........

SPANKING A CHILD IS ONLY TEACHING THEM THAT HITTING IS OKAY...AND IT IS NOT....WHY WOULD WE EVER WANT TO SPANK AND HURT OUR CHILDREN THAT WE DEEPLY LOVE SO VERY VERY MUCH.

IF YOUR FRUSTRATED YOUR CHILD WILL ALSO BE FRUSTRATED SO AS HARD AS IT IS STAY CALM TAKE A FEW MINUTES BEFORE YOU REACT AND YOU WILL SEE A BIG DIFFERENCE IN BEHAVIOUR.

STARTING NOW AND STARTING YOUNG WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE SO MUCH EASIER LATER.

BEING PROACTIVE AND DISIPLINING YOUR CHILD IS A LOT OF WORK AND VERY EXHAUSTING BUT IF YOU ARE DILIGENT AND FOLLOW THROUGH EVENTUALLY YOU WILL SEE THE BAD BEHAVIOUR REPLACED WITH GOOD.

I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST AND I THINK YOU ASKING FOR SUGGESTIONS IS SO WONDERFUL...YOU REALLY SHOULD BE APPLAUDED FOR RECOGNIZING THE PROBLEM AND WANTING TO FIND A BETTER SOLUTION TO RESOLVE THE ISSUES.

FINALLY I THINK THAT IF YOU TRULY BELIEVED THAT SPANKING WAS THE SOLUTION YOU NEVER WOULD HAVE ASKED FOR ALTERNATIVE SOLUTIONS....SO PLEASE DON'T SPANK JUST BE CONSISTENT AND REMOVE THE CHILD FROM THE SITUATION EACH AND EVERYTIME AND YOU WILL BE SO SURPRISED AT WHAT RESPONSE YOU GET FROM JUST SIMPLY TALKING TO YOUR CHILD AND GETTING DOWN ON THEIR LEVEL AND EXPLAINING WHAT THEY DID AND WHY YOU DON'T CARE FOR IT, AS WELL EXPLAIN TO THEM WHAT THEY CAN DO NEXT TIME TO MAKE YOU HAPPY....

REWARD THE GOOD BEHAVIOUR IT WON'T SPOIL YOUR CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HUGS, HUGS AND LOTS OF KISSES!!!!!!!!!

jenn10

As I said before I spank my children- and there are many different things that go on in a childs life that they will need to be told not to do and the more serious that thing is the more serious your child needs to understand - I am not ssaying you should spank your child everytime they throw a fit but yelling back at a parent or screaming out in public -- throwing them selves down in public-- yes I would deffinitly spank my child -- one good surprise pop on the butt reminds them you are not going to put up with the crap they are doing!

My three year old is at that time when he is trying us to see what he can get away with - You can not reason with a three year old - I totally burns me when I see anouther parent telling thier child " now suzy you don't want to throw a fit, why don't you get up honey" the whole time in a very sweet voice and not at all sounding like they are serious.

I always say give me five minutes with that kid and there will be no more fits in walmart!

You can't be afraid of what other people are thinking or saying -- just do what you need to do to get your child to understand they can't pull that crap anymore.

AND I hate to say it but I have five kids and by no way am I an expert and I don't think having ANY kids yours or someone elses in your care makes you an expert - We all do what we feel is right for our children and what I do may not fit your beliefs but it has worked with all my kids

TheHottestMama

as parents we dont get a manuel on our kids!
its all trial and error so do whatever will work!
thoes ppl who judge or say things
arnt there day in and day out and have no right to judge


for my 8year old we spank and no TV or playing outside or no video games
hes a little too old for time out...it dosent phase him to sit still for a bit!

my 4year old is really calm hes prob only gotten time out maybe 3times and no spankings! hes like my angel child

my 2year almost 3 year old
she knows what she wants and will tell me mommy ive very upset with you because you wont let me paint today.... lmfao....
and she has thrown one fit and im sure she wont dare to again
she threw a fit...i snatched her up and spanked her and calmly told her why and how we are suupposed to act and then told her no miss spider or no wubzzy today.. and she wasnt allowed any special treat for the day. most days are pretty easy. others i think oh god kill me!

ladybug30701

My daughter is 11 yr old now; and grounding or taking away privillages works very well now; but she has been spanked in the past. When she was little I have spatted her bottom a few times or her hands. Once when she was 5; we were outside and I stepped inside to check on dinner and she was out the gate and i found her maybe 200 feet or less from the gate; but I spanked my child from where I found her to the front door; not hard; but spat and lecture, spat lectur; but it taughter not to ever go out without telling me or asking again. I was spanked with a belt, hickery or hand when i was little (I am 39 now) and it never did hurt me; oh it did not feel good while it happened; but I lived and I am not scarred...

MFS27

Sigh...this is a hard topic because each child is different, and each situation will also be different.

DD #1: She's a softie - always wants to make Mama happy. All I need to do is talk to her in a quiet, stern voice, and often she will cry and apologize immediately. I can't remember spanking her. Bless her heart!

DD#2: My dare devil - she's loud and very clever. Threw MAJOR fits when she was a toddler - we tried spanking, but it made things worse. She would start crying so hard and could not calm down - it was bizzare - so that did not work. We resorted to time-outs, and taking away privileges. It was rocky, because she would still work herself into a tizzy if she felt unjustified and it would take a long time to calm down. It's better now - I learned I need to tell her the boundaries beforehand - so for example, BEFORE we go into the toy store, I'll tell her - we are not buying you a toy, we are only getting so-and-so's birthday present - then she would be fine, pouty, yes, but not crying herself sick.

DS#3: Oh boy. Girls and boys are definitely different. My son is four years old, weighs MAYBE 40 lbs, and is a slip of a boy - but in his mind, he is an undomintable 300 lb. warrior machine, lol. If I spank him - he will just turn to me and say, "That didn't hurt, mother!" Woah. I was NOT expecting that. We could spank him until his bottom is red, and it would not make a difference. I tried time outs with him, but he kept getting out of his time-out spot - we did this for two hours one time, and I just gave up. So I wanted to end the power struggle - he needed to learn that he is NOT in control, however, we can't MAKE our children do anything (by force), so I needed to find a way to let him feel in control, yet still guide his behavior. What we do now is simply consequences. If he throws his fork on the ground, I will calmly tell him to please pick it up, we don't throw our forks on the ground. If he refuses, I tell him he is not making good choices, and if he does not pick up the fork by the time I count to three, he will not be allowed to do blah-blah. You HAVE to be consistent - otherwise it won't work. One time DS got mad at dinner, and he ran away from the table. I told him if he did not come back by 1-2-3, his food would get thrown away and no dessert, no food until tomorrow AM. He just blew a raspberry at me, so into the trash went his food. It was hard when he came up to me an hour later, "I'm hungry Mama!" But I reminded him of his choice, and said next time you can make better choices, but right now all you can have is a glass of milk. You better believe he has not pulled that one again.

So long story short? Spanking did not work with my three kids - I tried it, and it bombed. I'm not against spanking, per se, as long as the punishment is not done out of anger, but is a controlled attempt to reduce a bad behavior - but I have to admit - I rarely see spanking, in the long run, result in positive outcomes.

Healthier_Me

I do not like to spank (with that being said, i have done it a couple of times very lightly when she was in danger).

If Lilliana is throwing a tantrum and crying. I tell her "Lilliana, you can cry if you want to, but you need to cry in your room with the door closed. When you are done crying, you can come out. Do you want to go to your room and cry?" and she'll say "No" and i'll say "then you need to stop crying" and she'll cry a little more and i'll remind her that she can cry, but she needs to do it in her room. She eventually stops after 2 or 3 reminders and goes and does something else.

Yup... thats what I do with Sara and it sure does work thank goodness:bigsmile: