PLEASE DO NOT DIVORCE ME BCOZ I'M FAT RIGHT NOW!

HeyLisa

This is a hard one. I didn't/don't have kids but I was much heavier with my ex-husband who made me feel so ugly and bad about myself without even trying. Just always free with negative comments that I took so personally.

The worst part of this for you is that confidence is sexy, can make you feel sexy, can make you want to take care of yourself/your body. And when your self worth is based soley on someone that 1) is physically attracted to slimmer (and please know that not all are) and 2) mean spirited and selfish with comments .. it becomes a catch-22 of bad stuff.

I would take better care of myself if I felt better about myself...

I think the key to deal here is to work on yourself for yourself only. Its easier said then done but this is for you.. your life.. your body.. your ego.. YOU.

I am sad to report, that it it took my divorce and dating again to find out this was just one guys opinion of me.

JThomas61

Wow, um...

This might be just me... but if he doesn't love you through thick and/or thin... then he probably never truly loved you.

Ya know, I have a huge problem with this statement.

If a woman no longer cares enough about HERSELF to stay healthy and in shape, why should she expect her man to forever love her, as she continues to be lazy about exercise and eat junk?

If you want others to love you, you need to show that you deserve that love. We are human - we don't love unconditionally, no matter how much that we want to or should.

If you aren't the same woman that a man married, and refuse to compromise on it, why should he be stuck and unhappy with it?

You need to change for YOU. Because YOU care about YOURSELF enough to want to. Not for anyone else. When you show that you care enough, and have confidence in yourself, others will see and respect and love that.

I see too many women (and men) making excuses for being left, when if they would respect themselves it maybe wouldn't have happened. I don't think its a huge secret of life that men are visually centered and attracted to a womans looks. If a woman refuses to work at looking good, ANY man will stop caring eventually.

I'm not trying to be a troll. I'm not saying that if you don't lose the weight in 6 months he should leave. I'm not sayin he would have stayed even if you had done all that. I'm saying maybe all you people need to realize men leave women for a REASON, not just because.

And no, I never left a woman because she was fat.

A BIG Amen to your post, couldn't agree more whether it be the woman or the man who gains the weight.

JThomas61

When you judge all by the actions of one, you severely limit yourself.

My wife had 3 daughters. Yep. Gained weight with every one. Stretch marks? Yep. Gravity challenging her? Yep. Do I love her any less? Nope. Love her more. Would I cheat on her with a hard body half her age? Not even.

I was looking for the love of my life when I found my wife. She depends on me where I excel. She supports me where I am lacking. In addition to complementing me in every way, she sacrificed her body in the process of giving me the other 3 Loves of my life. My daughters. If I can't be loyal to her, I'm not much of a man.

If you're man wants a divorce cuz you gained weight bearing his children. Cut him loose. He's a POS.

Congrats on being with the love of your life, but not everyone is that fortunate. I would like to point out that a spouse's personality can change when they get fat and stop caring about themselves. It sometimes becomes dark, ugly, and withdrawn and that is the reason the other spouse leaves not simply because they got fat.

BroncoMan

Sounds like his focus is not in the right place with you. It's only my opinion, but love doesn't have anything to do with physical attraction. It's important to be attracted to your spouse/mate, but to confuse that with whether we are in love with each other is absurd. Just as absurd to say that you have to have the perfect body to be attracted to/by someone.

You, as a wife, should not fear a divorce because of your physique. That, again, in my opinion, is abusive to your relationship. It puts you on the defense about everything that goes in your mouth - whether you exercise or not...etc. That is not support, and you really need support (which probably explains this post).

Relationships/Marriages and weight control are two very huge issues that folks have to work though. To couple the two together must be enormous pressure.

I hope that you can separate them and deal with them individually with your mate, and I wish you the best of luck.

Communicate with him how you are feeling.

2day2morrow4ever

On the days that LOVE fails (and we all have a few of those days) that is when COMMITMENT is supposed to take over...After all that is what we did when we got married (them & us) we made a commitment to make it through and stay through "thick and thin", and "good and bad" forever.

He needs to get on the COMMITMENT train and stop using your weight as an excuse for his feelings and behaviors...you need to stay committed to him...but you need to commit to yourself too. Get in the swing of things and stay there...you will have good days and bad days...just remember everyday is a new day and a new begining.

Ask him to help support you on this road...and remeber there will be days where he will have to put "tough love" to work...he doesn't have to be mean about it...but you have to be open to thoes "tough love" days of his support and not get defensive and you must resist retaliating and being mean to him about it or he will stop being supportive.

This part is really important..... If you both join in on this journey..you will both reap the rewards for it and you will both come out stronger...individually and together...spiritually, healthily, and maritally.

mikeyrp

*Laughing* Whilst it was extremely rude of noizekoar to comment on it, typing everything in caps does come over a bit melodramatic. Then again - sometime we all need to get stuff our chest: Good for you Babydollnikki.

bunchesonothing

I had the same experience in 1996 when my husband of 15 years left me for a younger, thinner woman. They are married now and guess what? She's fat and ugly! Ha-ha!

I could have said your opening statement myself. But there is a lot more there than the fat. You have some YOU to work on. I highly recommend "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. Oprah says it changed her life. I think it could change yours too.

Focus on yourself. Live in the present. Allow yourself to feel your feelings. And then do what's best for you and your children. Good luck.

Sometimes it makes me wonder. I'm sure it's true that some men leave their wives because of increased size and then went on to marry what some believe to be the super threat, younger and skinnier on purpose. They're jerks.

Isn't it possible that there were other reasons he left? Perhaps a lack of self respect or possibly self-confidence? Or maybe attitude, or no longer being compatible? Isn't it possible that the woman he ended up with *happened* to be younger and skinnier. Sure, if he is now single, he will look at what it is he's most attracted to. It doesn't mean that he left you FOR the skinny chick. It's what happened in my current relationship. I am the skinny chick and he certainly didn't leave her for me. But I am who he ended up with.

And perhaps being happy that the ex's current is now fat, is a large sign of the perceiver's attitude... and possibly why the man left to begin with. Maybe despite his wife's new size, he still loves her, because her size wasn't why he married her.

EDIT: Insecurity shows and it often looks terrible. We often blame the guy. It's easy and everyone automatically buys into it. Sometimes it is their fault, but not all of the time.

mikeyrp

Good point - If I was single right now (and thank goodness its not likely to happen) I would be looking for someone I found attractive now... Although too be honest Id prefer someone close to my age.

It wouldn't be a reason to leave an existing partner - but I wouldn't be on the market for someone overweight in the hope it would make me a better man!

MayMaydoesntrun

I do believe this is a rant. Hello though, and welcome. I don't believe you're alone in this. You can do anything you set your mind to, but do it for YOU.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." - Dr. Seuss

I'm loving the Dr, Seuss quote!

Improvised

men are pigs ::hug::

I take it you are a lesbian then? Or do you partake of the swine?

Lol.

Phoenix_Rising

Wow, um...

This might be just me... but if he doesn't love you through thick and/or thin... then he probably never truly loved you.

Agreed. I am losing weight for my own health and self image, not for any man. A good man would love me through thick and thin. My ex (despite many other faults that destroyed our marriage) loved me (I use that term loosely) no matter my weight. I appreciated that about him. He never once made a disparaging remark about my weight or eating habits and supported me during my change to a healthier diet.

vetsnatural

You have to love yourself, and if your man doesn't love you enough to HELP you lose the weight or to be supportive, then you need to move on. If he's going to love you because you are thin, then its just a physical thing, and it should be more than that! On the same note we most not let our-self get to the point that we are not attractive to our spouses/ BF/GF. My wife is pregnant, and when she has the baby, I will help her lose the weight, that's what your man suppose to do. Don't get down on yourself because of this, but let it piss you off and fuel your workouts, and when you bring the " SEXY " back, show him what he's missing and DROP his *kitten*. **NOTE** All men are not the same, so for some of the ppl that responded to your topic, are ppl that has been with the wrong man, and now thinks that all men are pigs or whatever...Speak on your own relationship and not blast all men because of what one man did to you!

I totally agree with your comment. I think that to help a woman after pregnancy lose the weight a man has got to give her some "Me" time to accomplish this. That is by helping with the new baby, household work and not being selfish himself. Many times a woman loses herself in her duties as wife and mother and prioritize all that over taking care of herself . Women are nurturer's for the most part and this is a common downfall. Of course the child always comes first and that just pisses the man off even more when he is a selfish one.

boomboom011

some great advice out there. however marriage is supposed to be forever. i think too often we try to use the back door to get out based on a feeling. I like what someone said before about him feeling insecure. Try to reassure him that he has nothing to worry about. Then stay true to YOUR word. You cant control what he does. Now if the behavior and hurtful words continue then im going to just call it as abusive. Thats just how I look at it. I would never tell anyone to stay in an abusive relationship.

Now let me say at one time I was the younger new wife (not from adultery or as a trade-in) and Im not so much younger looking. Ask my husband! lol he is 13 years older than I am. He will be 50 in november and well you do the math! Tee hee! P.S. we will be married 10 years this august and I couldnt ask for anything else EXCEPT MY DANG SWIMMING POOL! lol

However, when we base your decisions on feelings and emotions its a constant roller coaster. I cant live like that and hopefully based on YOUR actions things will get better. I know when I was 20 pounds heavier I wasnt the most pleasant person to live with. So before we go hang homeboy for lack of good communication skills lets focus on what YOU can do to make the situation better.

Now if after all that fails, I know a bad *kitten* divorce lawyer if you live in the DFW metroplex. :drinker:

vetsnatural

When you judge all by the actions of one, you severely limit yourself.

My wife had 3 daughters. Yep. Gained weight with every one. Stretch marks? Yep. Gravity challenging her? Yep. Do I love her any less? Nope. Love her more. Would I cheat on her with a hard body half her age? Not even.

I was looking for the love of my life when I found my wife. She depends on me where I excel. She supports me where I am lacking. In addition to complementing me in every way, she sacrificed her body in the process of giving me the other 3 Loves of my life. My daughters. If I can't be loyal to her, I'm not much of a man.

If you're man wants a divorce cuz you gained weight bearing his children. Cut him loose. He's a POS.

Congrats on being with the love of your life, but not everyone is that fortunate. I would like to point out that a spouse's personality can change when they get fat and stop caring about themselves. It sometimes becomes dark, ugly, and withdrawn and that is the reason the other spouse leaves not simply because they got fat.

I could see that happening as well and this is where communication, reassurance and some counseling may help.

LLaDonna

One person said {paraphrasing} when a spouse gains weight and stops caring about themselves their personality can become dark, ugly, withdrawn. Maybe that's why the other spouse leaves them. My thoughts: That's still fukked up. If you leave because I'm depressed that's not as bad as leaving me because I'm fat???

Another guy said he's gonna help his wife lose her weight after the baby. This just made me chuckle and wonder if it's their first. I hope his weight loss support includes that "Me" time that another reader mentioned.

I also applaud those folks who had the nerve to go against the grain and suggest that the original poster needs to cut the drama and get real about her emotional and physical health. We can't all have a sing-songy voice full of love and kindness. Sometimes you just have to call it what it is!

Babydollnikki

What is a POS?...Oh! My! nvr mnd I just git it once i spelled it out! Thanks.

bunchesonothing

One person said {paraphrasing} when a spouse gains weight and stops caring about themselves their personality can become dark, ugly, withdrawn. Maybe that's why the other spouse leaves them. My thoughts: That's still fukked up. If you leave because I'm depressed that's not as bad as leaving me because I'm fat???

To a certain extent, I agree with you. However, it depends on the depressive or the person with just lowered self esteem and not necessarily depressed. A lot of times(NOT ALL), when a person is having these issues, they withdraw and also hide their feelings. Unfortunately, things come out wrong(Feeling always come out and when we try to hide them, they will come out in morphed form.) Instead of showing that they are sad and lowly, people will try to over compensate by being a jerk. They might feel that things are their fault, but they put on a front because their ego can't hack it. Everything is everyone else's fault. "You're the reason I'm _______" If a fight happens, the other person started it, not me. They're not being sensitive enough.

EDIT: Haven't we seen clues to this exact type of behavior on this site over and over?

It takes Mother Theresa type patience to put up with a person who is a jerk, only focuses on themselves, who is withdrawing from the world but expects everyone else to understand their plight. A psychologist might be able to recognize it and know how to deal, but we're not all equiped for it.

Ten10

I completely agree. Its why I dont date them.

bunchesonothing

And in case anyone would think I'm just insensitive, most of my life, my self-esteem was crap. If you've seen my posts, no one would probably accuse me of that now.

Before: Mother abandoned me at 3. Father committed suicide at 15. Rough childhood. Dropped out of school to be with a man. Mentally abusive marriage. Ugly divorce.

For awhile, I was that self-absorbed person.

Now: Happily married. Pace-leader and runner of marathons. In college to finish what I started.

I'm sure not everyone is like me, but my life improved drastically when I realized that I needed to dust myself off and deal with my stuff. Stop focusing on all the ****. Move past it. I started dealing. Things slowly got better. My victories strengthened me. And now, I just know that they will come. And if things don't go as planned, I pick myself up again and start over.

pompanomike

chill out! 25yrs ago I took a course to learn how to quit smoking. In that course they warned us that when we finally succeeded, somebody, Usually the spouse, would basically say .... big deal.
My wife begged me to stop smoking for years and I was so proud of myself when I finally quit that I guess I bragged about it.
One day (I'm sure I was being a real jerk at the time) she turned on a dime and said big deal.... who cares... if you quit smoking.
I was stunned. And if the course had not warned us in advance that this would happen... I would have been very discouraged and maybe even started smoking again.

WELL SHE CARED VERY VERY MUCH. So just be aware that this is a normal and predictable reaction when people see someone else feeling good about themselves. I'm not saying that he is to be forgiven.... no way... just realize that he is jealous that you are DOING IT!!!! GOOD LUCK