Any 'child-free by choice' people out there?

lindalee0315

Wow! I found this thread to be really interesting. What a variety of responses. In my first marriage, neither my husband nor I wanted kids. We were married 13 years, the last five of them were horrible. I finally got the courage to leave, and was very thankful I didn't have to think of the impact a divorce would have on any children. I remarried at 37. My husband (who has grown children) asked me to give children some thought--if I wanted to try, he would be thrilled, but he would also be thrilled with us just the way we are. So, after a lot of soul searching, we decided to try. I now have a 3 year old son. He is both the light of my life and a huge source of stress. I love him, but even though I gave children a lot of thought, I completely underestimated how my life would change. I went from big-firm, busy lawyer to SAHM (for about 6 mos, and I went nuts). Now, I have a vastly smaller practice (and smaller income). My marriage, while happy, has become far more traditional than I had ever imagined. My husband and I regularly check in about this because it bothers me a great deal. Why, for example, does he not notice that the child needs a bath? Why is it my responsibility to make sure his teeth are brushed every day? I think partly because his first wife was a SAHM, he just assumes that's my role. It has caused friction. Also, I love being a lawyer. Leaving my very busy big-firm life was heartrending for me. While I still practice, it's on a smaller scale, and I'm on the "mommy-track" as opposed to the "partnership-track." Would I change anything? If I answered honestly, it would depend upon the day. I can't imagine my life without my child now, but I sometimes long for the simplicity of my former life, where going out didn't involve a curfew or a strategic plan. I am in the "one and done" club"--and I can tell you that many people have implied that I am selfish because my son won't have siblings (his age, at least).

craftylatvian

Childless here. 39 YO, and I have 2 cats.

I have never had the "mom" instinct. I love my neices and nephwes, but don't have a clue what to do with them. New baby? Oh, that's nice. No I don't want to hold your new baby. I never played with baby dolls as a child, I wanted Barbies (but got a "Sindy" doll because my mom thought Barbie was too mature for a young girl)
My fiance is 41 and never married before, no kids for him and he said it would have been nice to have kids earlier on but he is too old now and I have "shown him the way" of cats and how they can take care of themselves.
I think I am too selfish for kids.

Alita2011

You know I really like this topic. Now yes, I have two kids BUT that doesn't mean I can't appreciate this. I wish more people would realize that they don't want kids instead of having them just because of pressure or whatever reasons. Not everyone wants to be a parent and that is perfectly awesome. It is extremely hard some days and some days you are like, what the heck am I doing? Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but I am done. I have to wait until I am 30 or have 3 kids to get my tubes tied. And yea, I am not going to have a third. PERIOD. [thanks doc!!].

I have plenty of friends who are childless kids by choice and never once has it crossed my mind to be like "Why don't you have kids? When ARE you going to have kids etc?" Tacky. I see nothing wrong with not wanting kids nor do I see anything wrong with people who want kids. Why there has to be judgment on either group is beyond me.

I agree with this....

Shannon023

I'm just stopping by to judge you all.


J/K :bigsmile:

dmoses

47 and child-free by choice.

I have to say that I am truly amazed by the number of folks who have responded with similar responses! I have always been made to feel like a freak for not wanting kids. The kids that I grew up with, went to school with, were the meanest humans that I've ever met!! I'm happy with my 2 dogs. My parents have finally accepted that they are stuck with grand-dogs!

SeasideOasis

I'm 25...I don't want kids. My boyfriend, whom is almost 35, also has no want to have them. We are looking forward to traveling (sometime to third world countries) and other things that just arent possible with children. I lost my 'mother instinct' the day I watched my little sister be born by emergency C-section...I was 8. Talk about birth control...

abalicious

I am only 21 but already know I don't have that desire to have kids. It's kind of a problem considering my boyfriend of 1 year wants some. Everyone tells me I'll change my mind, but I don't think so! I've never been comfortable around kids..

ales1979

me!!

I'm 32 and am child-free by choice.

I'm quite happy with finding other people's children adorable and (though this probably sounds selfish) I don't think I've ever been jealous that someone else has all the legal and un-selfish responsibility to spend all that time and emotional currency on another human being who will probably never realise just how much you sacrificed for them!

Trust me, children, even when adult, are very selfish about how their parents use their time and resources!

People that do have children don't bother me, as long as they're past the 'cutest/ cleverist/ most gifted child in the world stage'

I don't mind kids of any age, but I prefer when they can walk and talk so that they can tell me/ show me what the hell they're on about!


I too was made to feel guilty by family, friends and the media about my choice, but now I have some water under the bridge, I know that its been the right choice for me and for any potential children I may have had (not that I've EVER been pregnant, I've always been very careful about precautions!)

I'm at a stage in my life where I'm at a crossroads and am having to take a lot of time for myself so that I can give me the love and respect that I'm owed because I've never had the time before! I don't even know if I want to share my life with another human being to be honest! At least not permanently! We all need human contact, but I don't seem to be able to keep interest in the same humans for very long (or they don't keep interest in me, is more like it!). None of my close relationships have been very successful so I've never felt i've been in an environment where I'd be happy to bring a child into the mix.

If I'm really honestI think if I had of had kids I'd be in a mental hospital by now! I'M SERIOUS!

skbruewer

Now, I'm not exactly a member of this club because I do want to have children, but I also accept that my husband and I are in no place, financially to do so. So... I guess it kind of is by choice. What I do understand is the incessant questions. I swear, the whole damn family spends every available moment questioning us regarding when we are going to have children.
I think we should all start charging people every time they ask. That way, I'll be able to pay off my student loans and have kids, and you ladies will have a nice vacation nest egg!

angryguy77

I can help if any of you change your mind. Phleps has nothing on my swimmers

tashjs21

One more thought I had; How many people have children who shouldn't? When I look around, I would say clearly, 30% of parents should have been sterilized before they brought children into this world. Just think; you need a license to drive, own a business, cut hair, be a manicurist, a pharmacist, and just about any other profession, but any ill equipped, irresponsible, loser can have a kid. Maybe a license should be required for child bearing. Which to me is a the biggest responsibilty that there is. Just a thought.

^ This!

I completely agree. It doesn't make much sense to me. At the very least you should have to pass a test and if you don't pass...on to night parenting classes for you!

At 27 I didn't think I would ever have kids or thought I would be well into my 30's before I considered it...then SURPRISE! I knew that I was meant to be a mom to this little baby. When I told my boyfriend that we were going to be parents he (understandably) freaked out a little. I calmed him down by saying "We'll be okay, there are bigger idiots out there that manage to keep a kid alive, I think we'll manage" :laugh:

He still brings that up when we feel frazzled.

I completely respect a person's choice in not having children, it is not for everyone. But I will say, as far as the patience, it IS different when it is your child. I have a reserve of patience I never thought I possessed when it comes to my daughter but zilch when it comes to other peoples kids. :embarassed:

seriousaboutlife

I can help if any of you change your mind. Phleps has nothing on my swimmers

hilarious!

TMLPatrick

I don't want kids and I'm glad to see I'm not the only one here.... there's a ton of recent mothers and such around here, which is fine...but personally, I don't have time or money to devote to raising a kid, nor do I picture myself as the "fatherly" type.... like so many other responses here, I'm happy with where my life is right now and do not need to have a child to prove anything about myself.

Lyadeia

I may want kids later on...much later on...but right now I have no desire whatsoever to have kids.

My best friend has 2 kids. One of them is a nice little girl...the other is a spoiled little bratty boy that I would have no qualms about kicking head first into the lake in front of my house just so I didn't have to hear one more whiney, crybaby, BS complaint that his mommy attends to as if it were the most important problem on the planet instead of telling him to shut up and behave (yeah, she's not the best parent, but that doesn't change my mind about the horrible kid either).

I cringe when I go to a movie, out to eat, or even to a mall or wally world and see kids running around and screaming...or hear a baby crying...and I know that I have to spend my time near them. I just want to slap them. Yeah, great mom right here! :bigsmile:

Last week when I was in Disney World, I went to see Finding Nemo, the Musical at the Animal Kingdom. It was a great show, and I had a lot fun...that is after I changed seats with my husband because I started out sitting beside this whiney brat who couldn't sit still, kept putting her feet on the chair and kicking me (don't care if it was "an accident," mom should have stopped her!!!) and the little *kitten* even wanted to lay her head down on my knee. I was not a happy camper...until I moved over...

I have no patience for kids. I have little patience for people in general out in public, so how could I live 24 hours a day with someone like that???

And yes, I am tired of the questions. No, I don't have kids. No, I don't want any right now. Yes, I do realize that before this decade is over I will be 40. And guess what? I don't care!!! Since when is it a requirement to have kids???

There are a couple of my friends that I hardly talk to anymore because they have kids. Even my friend that I mentioned above...we were joined at the hip from 6th grade up until she had her first kid. I have no interest in holding someone's baby. I will not be pushing around anyone's stroller. I won't make a trip to the mall with a friend if we must stop at the "Hello Kitty" store because her kid wants a bookbag. When I hang out with friends, I intend to hang out with my friends...not my friends and their kids. Cause their kids inevitably become the center of attention and I am not having any of that. If I wanted to hang out with the kids, I would volunteer at a daycare. But you'll never see me doing that kind of garbage.

I plan on living my life and doing the things that I want to do in life. Right now, kids would prevent that totally. Even in the small things...like going to a theme park. I want to ride the roller coasters...the kids wouldn't be tall enough for about 8 more years, so that would be something that I wouldn't be able to do anymore unless I was the party type who left their kids at home all the time...which, by the way, I detest because if you do decide to have children, you should realize that they are your responsibility not the babysitter's 7 days and nights of the week!!! I still get offended when I hear people talk about going on vacation without the kids. It sucked to hear about when I was a kid, and it still sucks for the kids it happens to today. Not that I think that parents should spend 100% of their time with the kids, but if you have all these things you want to do that you can't do with kids...then my opinion is that you are not ready to even have kids.

Anyway...

I like waking up and doing what I want to do...not what they want me to do. And the fact that my money is, well, MINE...is fantastic. :flowerforyou:

bassettpig

Another one...even as a little kid, I never played "house" or played with dolls. Just not my thing, EVER. When I met my husband 16 years ago and we felt strongly that "this was it", we talked about kids. He had lived w/a woman w/a daughter and later had married a woman w/4 kids from a prior marriage so had tried the father role on for size. (I am sure he did a wonderful job--he is patient, kind, funny...) Anyway, we both agreed that there would definitely be no kids in our future (plus I was 35 and he was 40) so I had a tubal ligation and that was that. We have never regretted that decision.

We both do volunteer work from time to time and like to think we are not somehow bad or selfish folks b/c we did not want to reproduce. There are so many creatures, human and otherwise, that need love and attention in this world--if we feel the need to reach out and leave a mark on the world, there are so many other ways we can get that feeling besides having children.

Qarol

I think to qualify for any financial help (like tax credits) when having children, you must take parenting classes. I don't know if that's the best solution, but I agree with what someone said about needing a license for everything under the sun, but any idiot can bring a child into this world. I really feel it's not a right, but a privilege, to have a child. Not necessarily legally speaking, but morally.

KickassYas

yep you're not alone! child free by choice.

it's funny i take yasmin... my name is yasmin and i find that fate LOL

yaddayaddayadda

I'm 47 and childless by choice. AH, the good life. When my wife and I are napping on the weekends, we wonder aloud about what our friends with kids are doing right now.? I think that there is a certain societal pressure to have kids. For me and my wife; our time is our time. And it is a beautiful life!

As a parent of 2 grown and 1 college age child (I'm 50), I can add to your joy... NO COLLEGE TUITION TO PAY!!!

That said, I love my kids, and I would never trade them for the child free life, but the empty nest is fun, and the retirement fund could be bigger!

nerdyandilikeit

I used to think I'd be married with 3 kids by now (I'm 25) but once I started college and realized more about what I wanted to do, I definitely started thinking about it differently. I think I would make a decent mother in most aspects, but I need to work on my temper (which affects my patience level) in order to deal with discipline. There's been plenty of times I've regretted losing my temper with my 3 little cousins when babysitting, even if my message was in the right place.

I also have found since college that I am way too focused on the things I hope to accomplish to be able to set aside projects and things to care for children except on a short term basis right now. Sometimes I forget to eat, I get so absorbed in things. I don't think I would even be able to care for a cat as much as it deserves with my current mindset. I'm too busy building my new life out on my own and discovering who I want to be in life.

Maybe that's selfish. But it would be more selfish to have kids right now, just to satisfy questions from my family or society.

Dtho5159

You know I really like this topic. Now yes, I have two kids BUT that doesn't mean I can't appreciate this. I wish more people would realize that they don't want kids instead of having them just because of pressure or whatever reasons. Not everyone wants to be a parent and that is perfectly awesome. It is extremely hard some days and some days you are like, what the heck am I doing? Don't get me wrong, I love my kids but I am done. I have to wait until I am 30 or have 3 kids to get my tubes tied. And yea, I am not going to have a third. PERIOD. [thanks doc!!].

I have plenty of friends who are childless kids by choice and never once has it crossed my mind to be like "Why don't you have kids? When ARE you going to have kids etc?" Tacky. I see nothing wrong with not wanting kids nor do I see anything wrong with people who want kids. Why there has to be judgment on either group is beyond me.

Wow Im glad I don;t live where you live LOL. I had my tubes tied during my 2nd c section when I was 23 and a half. It was only my second baby. Id have to be abstinate from 23-30 if I had to wait that long since I couldn't count on BC.