It's NOT a compliment when someone says...

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  • duqtape
    duqtape Posts: 121 Member
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    My boyfriend said a few years ago - before we were dating - "I'm so glad you lost weight. You came home from fire season fat and I didn't know how to tell you."

    I really do love the guy.

    After we were dating he decided to dye his red hair black. Two month later when I shaved it off and it was red again, I said to him "I'm glad you went back to your natural color. It looked awful and I didn't know how to tell you"
  • sandy2006
    sandy2006 Posts: 483 Member
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    "OH your grandson is so cute" WTH! He's my son!!!
  • Levedi
    Levedi Posts: 290 Member
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    ok, I'll bite...

    I can see why you don't want to take it as the nicest thing anyone has every said to you, but don't dismiss it entirely either. I get that you want to look better, and that's great... but but there's a complement in there (assuming it wasn't meant sarcastically).

    I'm a member of my local triathlon club... if after tonight's run-bike-run session someone looked at me and said, "wow, you're really fast for a single father"... I would take it as a compliment and respond with, "Thanks... next step is to be fast, period." They are still complementing me even if it's not the compliment I want. Besides, I AM a single father, I AM older than a lot of them... it's still a good thing to be fast for a single dad.

    I bet you wouldn't like it if I said "You're pretty smart for a retarded person." Do you see the difference? Being a single dad has no bearing on being fast. But the way the "compliment" is being phrased is essentially saying "I just want to remind you that you're not good enough. In fact you're the opposite of the thing I'm complimenting you on." That's why it's so rude.
  • jacksonpt
    jacksonpt Posts: 10,413 Member
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    I bet you wouldn't like it if I said "You're pretty smart for a retarded person." Do you see the difference? Being a single dad has no bearing on being fast. But the way the "compliment" is being phrased is essentially saying "I just want to remind you that you're not good enough. In fact you're the opposite of the thing I'm complimenting you on." That's why it's so rude.
    You're right, I wouldn't like it. Because I'm not retarded, so it's a ridiculous comparison to make. If someone tells you that you look good for someone with kids... guess what - that's what you are... a person with kids. Be happy that you look good for what you are. It's OK to try to look better than that, but be happy that you don't look like terrible, even for someone with kids.

    You argument holds no water what so ever. Being a single dad ABSOLUTELY has an effect on my training, and thus how fast I am as I only have 2 nights a week free to train.

    They are CLEARLY NOT reminding you that you're not good enough. They are saying you are doing great for what you are (someone with kids, a 40 something, whatever). The problem is that isn't good enough for you... they are complimenting you on something you are insecure about or unhappy with. You take that insecurity/unhappiness and twist things around in your head and turn it into an insult, which it clearly isn't.

    There is a woman I work with to whom, on occasion, I will say, "You look really good today." That doesn't mean she looks like death warmed over the rest of the time (which is what posts in this thread are contending), because she doesn't... it means that she looks really good today. Period.

    People need to learn how to listen and then learn how to take a compliment.
  • dreaasha
    dreaasha Posts: 31
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    You look so nice today . . . so that means I don't normally?

    You know what, I've said that to people, and it's not a backhanded compliment in the least. It just means I think you look nice, and I'm saying it. This awful woman i used to work with really got mad at me when she really dressed up one day in a great suit, and I complimented her on it. She jumped down my throat, like, "What, do you think I look ugly every other day? What's wrong with you?!"

    I was so annoyed at that.
  • lennykat
    lennykat Posts: 89
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    Actually had a stranger tell me once... "WOW, you have a beautiful little girl! She must really take after her dad."

    thanks.:grumble:
  • FaithsVegWorkout
    FaithsVegWorkout Posts: 471
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    Oh geez, come on ladies, you're over analyzing as women are wont to do.
  • jacksonpt
    jacksonpt Posts: 10,413 Member
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    "you look good for having kids"

    in other words, you look like crap if you didn't :)

    I have ALWAYS wondered how the hell to reply to that...

    um... say thanks???
  • dreaasha
    dreaasha Posts: 31
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    Has anyone heard the "cute outfit kid".... When you at a party and someone goes to so and so's child and goes "oh!....what a cute outfit they have on" rather than "what a cute kid"

    sorry. but you do not want a "cute outfit kid"

    :/

    What's wrong with complimenting a kid's outfit? If I had a kid, they'd always be dressed in supercute outfits, and I love compliments on outfits I put together. Doesn't mean that your kid is ugly, #toosensitive
  • B_L_A_Z_I_A_N
    B_L_A_Z_I_A_N Posts: 151
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    Has anyone heard the "cute outfit kid".... When you at a party and someone goes to so and so's child and goes "oh!....what a cute outfit they have on" rather than "what a cute kid"

    sorry. but you do not want a "cute outfit kid"

    :/

    What's wrong with complimenting a kid's outfit? If I had a kid, they'd always be dressed in supercute outfits, and I love compliments on outfits I put together. Doesn't mean that your kid is ugly, #toosensitive

    i think they meant that they were referring to the person (ie. you) as a kid instead of an adult or w/e
  • NeonNikki
    NeonNikki Posts: 87 Member
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    Has anyone heard the "cute outfit kid".... When you at a party and someone goes to so and so's child and goes "oh!....what a cute outfit they have on" rather than "what a cute kid"

    sorry. but you do not want a "cute outfit kid"

    :/

    What's wrong with complimenting a kid's outfit? If I had a kid, they'd always be dressed in supercute outfits, and I love compliments on outfits I put together. Doesn't mean that your kid is ugly, #toosensitive

    i think they meant that they were referring to the person (ie. you) as a kid instead of an adult or w/e
    I would always see it as a compliment. I just had one of my mom's friends tell me that a "cute outfit baby" is different than a cute baby. So now I always make sure to compliment the cute baby's outfit AND the cute baby. But honest to god i have never EVER seen an ugly baby. Ever.
  • dreaasha
    dreaasha Posts: 31
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    Has anyone heard the "cute outfit kid".... When you at a party and someone goes to so and so's child and goes "oh!....what a cute outfit they have on" rather than "what a cute kid"

    sorry. but you do not want a "cute outfit kid"

    :/

    What's wrong with complimenting a kid's outfit? If I had a kid, they'd always be dressed in supercute outfits, and I love compliments on outfits I put together. Doesn't mean that your kid is ugly, #toosensitive

    i think they meant that they were referring to the person (ie. you) as a kid instead of an adult or w/e
    I would always see it as a compliment. I just had one of my mom's friends tell me that a "cute outfit baby" is different than a cute baby. So now I always make sure to compliment the cute baby's outfit AND the cute baby. But honest to god i have never EVER seen an ugly baby. Ever.

    I think it's ridiculous to even insinuate that a child is ugly. Who would do that? Nobody. So I will continue to compliment a kid's outfit, and everyone I know loves to hear that. I have seriously never heard that you shouldn't do that. Woah, man.
  • B_L_A_Z_I_A_N
    B_L_A_Z_I_A_N Posts: 151
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    Has anyone heard the "cute outfit kid".... When you at a party and someone goes to so and so's child and goes "oh!....what a cute outfit they have on" rather than "what a cute kid"

    sorry. but you do not want a "cute outfit kid"

    :/

    What's wrong with complimenting a kid's outfit? If I had a kid, they'd always be dressed in supercute outfits, and I love compliments on outfits I put together. Doesn't mean that your kid is ugly, #toosensitive

    i think they meant that they were referring to the person (ie. you) as a kid instead of an adult or w/e
    I would always see it as a compliment. I just had one of my mom's friends tell me that a "cute outfit baby" is different than a cute baby. So now I always make sure to compliment the cute baby's outfit AND the cute baby. But honest to god i have never EVER seen an ugly baby. Ever.

    I think it's ridiculous to even insinuate that a child is ugly. Who would do that? Nobody. So I will continue to compliment a kid's outfit, and everyone I know loves to hear that. I have seriously never heard that you shouldn't do that. Woah, man.

    lol no i think y'all still aren't getting it... maybe it's because of the lack of punctuation
    "cute outfit, kid"
    its not about the cuteness or the outfit --->> its about the word "kid"
  • KittyMul
    KittyMul Posts: 74 Member
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    My ex-boyfriend once told me that he could really tell I'd lost weight on my face because he see my eyes better now. Haha! Not like when I had those tiny pig eyes before, eh? But I did take it as a compliment, he didn't mean anything nasty by it - I just had to laugh!
  • PinkAndSparkle
    PinkAndSparkle Posts: 324
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    "You're not THAT big"...that's my favorite.
  • UnderCoverShyGirl
    UnderCoverShyGirl Posts: 254 Member
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    LOL, i guess you are the devils advocate on this thread, and I totally get what everyone else is saying (and tend to think the same way) but i have to say i think you are right, a lot of it is how we take it, or if it happens to push a button in some manner.

    Though to be perfectly honest, most of the time, when i tell my coworker she looks good today, i do mean TODAY, as in she often doesn't. I'm not trying to send the "you don't normally look good" message at all when i give the compliment, but if we are being really honest here, i do think the compliments are what they sound like. I.e., the big girl with the pretty face, is being compared to other big girls, not just other pretty faces. Now when she is average sized/thinner, she may still be pretty etc...but at the moment, that is the comparison being made....just my two cents...again lol
  • gympamela
    gympamela Posts: 188 Member
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    It's not a compliment when someone says, "You look like a total dumpster fire!"

    LOL Just trying to lighten things up- I would rather get any compliment at this point than nothing at all!! It has been a long time since I have gotten any compiment whatsoever.
  • jjs22
    jjs22 Posts: 156
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    I'll share one.

    When I first met my current doctor, he came in the room, introduced himself, and when he glanced at my chart he immediately looked back up at me with surprise and said : "You really carry your weight well."

    Was I offended ? No. He had no professional or social obligation to compliment me in any way. And yet he was telling me that (for someone of my weight) I looked good. I know I'm heavy. I know other people know I'm heavy. And I know that for almost all people in our culture, heavy is not attractive. But for him to say I carry it well is adding on something positive, and that's the way I took it. TBH, I've chuckled about it for years : "I have a condition, diagnosed by a real doctor, which causes my weight to be not nearly as unattractive as it could be."

    But I'm a guy. Anything another guy says about my appearance isn't going to punch any buttons.

    I think there is probably a huge difference for women. Women compete with one another, rank one another, build their self-worth based on looks. I know from direct field observations and from reliable stand-up comedy bits that when a woman says something about another woman's looks, there's 874 different things it *could* mean, and its almost certainly not reflected in the words themselves. But please keep in mind that men don't work that way. They don't get that kind of subtlety. Amongst themselves, they really only care about money, power, and who has ..., well ..., lets just say its not so much about appearance. If there's ever any doubt, there's no need to resort to complex verbal maneuvers, you just have a fight. Problem solved.


    So for the ladies here, I would ask that if a guy ever says something like "You look good for your age" or "You look good for a mom", or "You look nice today", please, PLEASE, at least try to take it as a compliment. Remember that the words coming out of his mouth are pretty much exactly what is in his head, nothing more. Don't turn the sentiment "Hey I think you look good" into something to feel bad about.

    OTOH, if its a woman who says it, don't ask me what it means. I don't have a clue.
  • ascoope
    ascoope Posts: 42
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    I've gotten some insults disguised as compliments... mostly from other young girls at work. I make an active effort to be nice to everyone so I'm not sure where the animosity comes from.
    "You always wear such weird pants."
    "You look like MInnie Mouse in that skirt."
    "Your lower half is so much bigger than your upper body.

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