Does hating your mother mean you are a bad person?

christinad95

Ok, had a whole reply typed, and then read your newest post.

You don't hate her, you're apathetic towards her.


BUT, I think you're letting that take a lot of control of your life. And this is where you might want to step back and think about this. The things you described are horrible. Those are things that will take a lot of time if ever for you to forgive if you so choose.

Honey, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve any of that and were and are worthy of so much more.

The people who say that to you, just smile and say "that's how I feel" and drop the subject.

The answer is in you. But I don't think a chat board is the best place to find it, have you/are you getting any professional help? You might want to look into it. Just a suggestion.

Once again, YOU ARE WORTHY.

*LIKE*

christinad95

I think I used a word that is a bit too strong. I just dont care about her. If she got killed tomorrow I wouldnt care, wouldnt even shed a tear. Shes just nobody to me, means less to me than my dog (a lot less). But it makes me feel better to see I'm not the only one.

To those who said that I should love my mother because she gave birth to me, please tell me if you would if your mother was an alcoholic, drug addict (and drugs made her nasty and horrible), unpaid prostitute, liar(I dont remember her telling the truth, even if insignificant), thief (stole everything from you that she could find), if she never cleaned, cooked, and you had to clean and cook for her, if when one of her 'friends' tried to rape you, she replied 'he's just trying to have some fun', if she bought cigarettes and not food when you didnt eat for 3 days, if she told lies just to keep you and your sister apart for a year, if she didnt even ring you on your wedding day, if your father killed himself because of her, if you had to look after your little sister (born year after her husbands deaths, unknown father), because she couldnt be bothered? Its just small example, but you get the idea

What I see in all this is I would have compassion toward her because it seems that she has gone through something that has caused a void in her heart/life. I see someone who is mentally unstable and needs help and does not know how to correct the malformalties. I see a hapless child that had kids while still being a lost child. I see someone who have been abused, misused and tossed aside. I see someone who does not know how to love and how it is to be loved. I see someone who needs help and probably will never seek it on her own.

As cold as your heart has grown it is hard to imagine that you could not see some of these same things.

Los

I have to say that I agree with Los. I have a mother who was just not meant to be a parent. I went through everything you mentioned and more. My mother had no problem allowing her biker friends to "use" me and my sister inappropriately in exchange for money or drugs. Some of you may say I should hate my mother for that. For many years I did. Then I realized I was wasting my energy on someone that I COULD NOT CHANGE. If she's to change, then she has to make the change. However Los is right. What I see is a mother who became a mother when she was still just a lost child. It is not by accident that people become drug addicts or alcoholics, or even take out their frustrations on their children because their children are the one thing that will not fight back. Sadly, there are definate mental issues connected and how can we hold someone accountable who doesn't even realilze the consequences of their actions? When someone has a drug or alcohol addiction they have no clue about anything except their own pain. The feelings you have toward your mother may be the same feelings she may have had toward someone in her life that ended up leading her down the road she chose to walk. Now I'm not saying that's the path you would take, I'm just trying to show you that someone somewhere in her life caused her pain that she could not cope with. Sadly, you were on the recieving end of her pain. It took me many years and counseling to get to the point that I can talk about my mother without using swear words. One of the things I had to realize was that I could not change what happened while I was growing up. It was already done and I had no control over that. What I did have control over was how I will handle myself now. Now, I do not have a relationship with her, and I don't care to have one, however I can now discuss her and not feel that flaming hot ball start up in my stomach.

I think it's your life and you're entitled to any feelings you have or choose towards your mother.

But so is the OP of this thread entitled to hers about her mother.

I agree everyone is entitled to their own feelings. I just know how many years I wasted feeling the way I did. It affected more in my life then I realized, so I chose to just move on. I hate to see others go through this too.

StaceyL76

After reading that thread.. I only hope my kids love me when they are grown. Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done or been a part of.. I do the best I can with where I am at in life. My mother is who she is.. I love her. However, if she wasn't my mom.. we wouldn't be friends .. hell we arn't now. But I still love her and can't say I hate her. I keep my distance to protect myself and my kids from suffering the same hurts I do and did... but I dont' think I could say i hate her

Helice

Is this a serious question?

Ofcourse hating your mother is bad. She gave birth to you. Without her, you wouldn't be here! She deserves more respect than that.

There are obviously some issues between you which I'm sure can be sorted out.

I can't believe some of the answers people gave to this question!

Now I am lucky enough to have a wonderful relationship with my Mum (and my Dad too) but I find your post incredibly patronising.

You are basically saying that because someone gives birth to you , you have to love and respect them regardless of how much **** they bring to your life.

Does this include drinkers and drug takers who leave their kids to fend for themselves? Does this include women who mentally, physically and emotionally abuse their kids? Does this include bitter, twisted women that criticise and cuss their kids every single day?

Love and respect in most relationships has to be earnt, but in parental relationships mutual love and respect SHOULD be a given. That is why I find it so shocking that some people can treat thier children so badly. It is one of the most shocking betrayals of trust IMO. Your parents should be your sanctury and safety - if they decide not to be then shame on them!!!

OP, you are not a bad or evil person - you are a survivor!

the person who posted the last post.. i like this person!

kennethmgreen

Does it? Are you meant to love your mother no matter how much of a b***ch she is? My mother is exactly that, but when I say I dont care about her people go like "but she is your mother! how can you be so callous!", like being a mother automatically made her wonderful. Is there anyone out there who is in a situation like that? Or am I just plain evil? :devil:

Hate is a strong word, but I get what you are saying. My mom is the only human being on the planet that can affect me the way she does. I can be in a fantastic mood and within five minutes be slamming the phone down in anger. Well, I was that way a few years ago. Not so much now. Still, I've always loved the phrase/idea: "parents push your buttons most effectively because they installed those buttons." No one can get to me like my mom can.

But what can you do? She's my mom. It took awhile but I finally realized that she wasn't intentionally trying to drive me crazy. It sounds obvious, but once I truly accepted that, and realized that she was functioning with the limited set of tools available to her, I let go of a huge chunk of anger. She can still frustrate me - our visits are usually three days for a reason. By the fourth day, mom and I will start arguing about something.

So I don't hate her. Hate requires a lot of energy. It will drain you. Walking around actively hating anything/anybody requires too much effort, and I'm inherently lazy. Life seems a lot smoother when I can let that stuff go. I don't buy into the idea that a parent *must* be loved simply because they are your parent. There are parents that are way too fu**ed up for that. I worked at a children's emergency center for two years, so I've seen the worst of parenting. But I also recognize that for the most part, parents do the best they can. It doesn't mean their best is any good. But intent matters. And I think you have to judge people's actions in context. My mom did some crazy stuff to me as a kid like hitting me with a frozen TV dinner. (yes, it is funny now, so please imagine the scene and laugh about it). But she was physically abuse by her dad. I hold her accountable for the choices she made as a adult. But understanding the context means I don't have to live with hatred/resentment.

brittanyjeanxo

In my opinion, if she is a *****, she is a *****, regardless of what her relation is to you. Next time someone says something like that to you, just tell them one of the stories of her being a *****, but instead say it was a friend of yours that did it, not your mother. Then when they undoubtedly tell you to cut the friend out of your life, tell them it's actually your mother. And then watch them scramble over their words as they try to make excuses :bigsmile:

brittanyjeanxo

Is this a serious question?

Ofcourse hating your mother is bad. She gave birth to you. Without her, you wouldn't be here! She deserves more respect than that.

There are obviously some issues between you which I'm sure can be sorted out.

I can't believe some of the answers people gave to this question!

Wrong. Sorry, but if you have the ability to open your legs, have sex, and produce a child, you can technically be a mother. But if you go 'round and beat your child, abuse drugs, sell your child for prostitution, etc. no, you don't deserve love. You have NO idea what the situation with her is, and you're just patronizing her.

raevynn

[caveat: I did not read every post before posting this. If it is repeating what's already said, well, there's lots of smart people on here ]

I've had not one, but TWO dysfunctional mothers.

Hate ties you to a person. Hate gives them valuable space in your heart, your mind, and your life.
Hate will twist and poison your own soul. Ultimately, it will create what you hate in your own life - you will become that which you hate.

There is absolutely no reason why you should damage your self, your life, and those around you by nuturing the destructive force of hate over something someone else is/does. Release the cords of hate that is keeping you connected to someone that damages you - those cords are thicker and stronger than umbilical! cut them off entirely.

There is every reason why you should distance yourself from damaging people. Protect your family, too. I had to cut off all contact with my (#2) mother when she started attacking my children. Nope, not happening. Not having contact, and not accepting that person into my life is not the same as hating them. It is walking away from something/someone that is damaging.

Go right ahead and feel very badly about what happened. Determine to learn from that, and never be that kind of person. Use the wisdom you've gained to root out shadows of that behavior/attitude from your own life. Watch for it in others, and learn how to maintain healthy boundaries and relationships.

I won't even pretend to advise that you "forgive"... except in the sense of "I hereby GIVE YOU BACK the complete responsibility for your own actions. I'm not hanging on to it anymore. It is all yours." And then you live your life in peace.

I wish you well.

Jovialation

A mother is a person just like any other and I think youre totally allowed to hate them

Family or anyone youre stuck with in your life you can hate.

I figure anyone else isnt worth the emotion

Triquetra

Depends on the reason....mine I haven't spoke to in like 14 years she was abusive, manipulative, controlling, etc....It doesn't make me a bad person, I am protecting myself and my children.

RocketsGirl75

Does it? Are you meant to love your mother no matter how much of a b***ch she is? My mother is exactly that, but when I say I dont care about her people go like "but she is your mother! how can you be so callous!", like being a mother automatically made her wonderful. Is there anyone out there who is in a situation like that? Or am I just plain evil? :devil:

Yes you are evil and should be stoned!

**but seriously** no dna does not mean you have to like someone!

anubis609

You can't choose family. But you can choose how you feel about them. Evil suits my sanity just fine.

seaangel082

test

h3h8m3

Does it?

I have read no other posts. heck, I didn't even read past your first sentence. But the answer is, "Yes." Context is overrated.


I feel totally qualified to give this answer based on how silly the question is.

Jovialation

o.0

MNMJUNKIE

No,your defintely not evil..I have a similar situation with mine...she's just not a good mother..she never shoulda had children...You cant help how your Mother is...I try my best to NOT be like mine...Very toxic relationship and anything toxic can be bad for your health..I care about mine,luv her but cant tolerate her crap so I choose to stay away..Do what you must do for your own sanity!!

CalamityAnnie

I felt the same way for years until I found out she has mental illness - Borderline Personality Disorder and is Bi-Polar with some OCD as well. The illness explained it all - she really was Satan's Sister. Now that she's had strokes and I took over as her POA in health issues we have her medicated which helps. She also has cancer now, and at 86 a new colostomy bag and guess who is the 110% caregiver. Yup. But it has helped to realize her mental illness issues. People can seem "normal" and be just plain mean but so many times there is illness at play.

Good luck to you.

sarahp86

Is this a serious question?

Ofcourse hating your mother is bad. She gave birth to you. Without her, you wouldn't be here! She deserves more respect than that.

There are obviously some issues between you which I'm sure can be sorted out.

I can't believe some of the answers people gave to this question!

I'm sorry but this statement really angers me. I grew up with loving parents and my mother is my best friend. I had a very happy childhood and I would consider myself blessed

However, I work in a job where I come into contact with children who have been abused/neglected by their mothers. Just because you have a womb, manage to get pregnant and give birth doesn't mean you immediately get respect from that child!!

Like everything in life it has to be earned!! If a mother does not give a flying *kitten* about their child, doesn't feed them, is cruel to them, abandons them, doesn't show them love or provide them with the basic necessities for survival (for whatever reason) I can understand why someone would dislike or even hate their mother.

Young children know no different if they are raised in an unhappy home but as they grow up they realise how a mother/father should treat them.

The worst thing is about this situation is that I know plenty of people who would make amazing loving parents and can't have children when some c*nts just spit them out and don't even want them but aren't intelligent enough to use contraception or only want the child for the allowance or a council house!!

I have taken children away from abusive/neglectful parents in extreme circumstances and I will continue to do it where its necessary. All children deserve a happy life!

msstillion79

You are not a horrible person for hating ur mother I am in the same boat I do not even talk or consider my "mother" my mother she was never there she hit me she tore my sister and i apart ALL she is to me is my carrier just because u call a person mother and she had a child 'gave birth "doesnt mean she is a mother I feel like the only people that understand what and how i feel are people that didnt have a good child life and bond with the carrier There is alot more to bein a mother then just given birth just like there is alot more to being a father then just a sperm donar right? dont be hard on urself noone should judge anyone else unless they walk a few inches in their shoes Take care and dont worry ur not alone

123456654321

A mother is a person just like any other and I think youre totally allowed to hate them

Family or anyone youre stuck with in your life you can hate.

I figure anyone else isnt worth the emotion

I agree with Jovi 100%