Question for all WOMEN. I'm a guy and need to know.
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Dont be scared of what a girl will say..Hey people do change,i was addicted to drugs for 15 years and food for like 28 years..now im here drug free and food free..losing weight like crazy on my own; well with gods help..you will be fine..TAKE IT ONE STEP AT A TIME AND SEE JUST WHAT HAPPENS..YOUR IN MY PRAYERS..GOD BLESS YOU0
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I have given this a lot of thought. I think that you cannot let your past define you. It is how you overcome it and change your life for the better. If I was single and looking, I would be more impressed in how you improved yourself, instead of focusing on negative past. I wouldnt have a problem with it, if I saw you were making a real change in your life, which it seems that you are! Good luck on your journey.0
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You're not ready yet. Even if a girl were able to look past all of that, what about what is best for YOU? You need to focus on your goals of staying clean, finishing school, getting a job, and becoming self-sufficient. Forget about relationships until that stuff is settled. THEN if she cares about your distant past, she's history. Right now it's your recent past, and you're not far enough removed from it.
Congrats on having changed your life around and good luck!0 -
Is this a serious post or are you being snarky?
My answer depends on the context
**EDIT: I think he is serious. So heres a serious answer.
Depends on what type of girl you are looking for. If you are looking for a hang and bang/blow n' go type relationship, then there is ALWAYS messed up, emotionally scarred, daddy issues type girls that can be found that really won't care about your past.
If you want an ACTUAL relationship with a girl worth keeping, you're gonna have to change some things...
1 - Get a job. Like... tomorrow.
2 - Move. The. HELL Out of your parents house. Like... tomorrow.
3 - Get confident. Being unsure of yourself is a huge turnoff.
4 - Own up to your mistakes and be honest with yourself. If you can live with your past, then a girl shouldn't have any problems with it.
Trust me on this one, NO ONE is proud about everything in their past.
I completely agree, even a part time job, and a small studio apartmentis suffice... and like I read somewhere in my Psychology textebook Before you can truly stand beside another you must first be able to stand alone....When YOU are ready for that then your past wont matter to most girls0 -
Avalonis summed it up pretty well. Also, I don't know if you want to be in a committed relationship. That is, one that would lead to marriage. *If* you are talking about that level of relationship I think it'll depend on the kind of girl you fall in love with and whether or not she loves you back. If the love and commitment go both ways, it'll work out, even if it's hella scary for you to tell her about your past. ..But honestly, for now, I would just try to focus on getting a job, moving out of the 'rents, and becoming the kind of responsible, accountable adult that a good woman would fall in love with.
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By the way-- when I met my husband he was living with his parents (after a brutal breakup with his fiance) and working at McDonald's. He had horrible credit. He was at least 60 lbs overweight and a smoker (no offense to smokers but a lot of non-smokers find that a turn-off), and most girls wrote him off as a life-time loser. I, however, could see that he was working hard to turn his life around. He was running every day, he was working his butt off to get into the Navy, his dream, and he had the best personality. He was the most caring person with the best sense of humor. He also turned out to be great in a lot of unexpected ways.
Almost everyone told me that he was not worth my time, etc. But I saw more depth in him, and he treats me better than I had ever been treated. Sure enough, a year and a half later and with a lot of encouragement from me, he's an E-3 in the Navy, he's healthy and fit (and attractive now to the people who wrote him off then), doesn't smoke, and makes enough money that I was able to quit my job because of my disability and stay home. He has also paid off all of his debt. We have a great relationship and I can't imagine where I would be if I had listened to all those people who said "really? you want to go out with HIM?"
So I think it's all about whether or not you're putting your past behind you, trying to move forward, and cultivating a better future for yourself. My husband just needed a reason to move forward. He was hitting so many walls with people telling him that he'd never be able to turn his life around that he believed it.
My point is girls, sometimes running the other way just because he's staying at his parents' or hasn't got a steady income could result in losing out on something amazing. It depends on whether the guy is satisfied to be job-less, living at home, etc. or if he really wants to do more.0 -
If you want an ACTUAL relationship with a girl worth keeping, you're gonna have to change some things...
1 - Get a job. Like... tomorrow.
2 - Move. The. HELL Out of your parents house. Like... tomorrow.
3 - Get confident. Being unsure of yourself is a huge turnoff.
4 - Own up to your mistakes and be honest with yourself. If you can live with your past, then a girl shouldn't have any problems with it.
Trust me on this one, NO ONE is proud about everything in their past.
[/quote]
^^^^with Avalonis on this one...0 -
I say focus on yourself right now... get your education, get a career... get out of your parents' house.... get yourself in the place you want to be, and THEN worry about bringing someone into your life. At that point, any woman will be able to see how far you've come and be able to put her faith in you. At this point, even though you are trying... you're a risk. Not because YOU are a risk, but because there are so many men out there that have treated women badly, and so many now that are LAZY... you just are stuck in a stereotype.
If you do meet someone now, be honest. If she's not willing to give you a chance, she's not worth it. Don't rush it. Be proud of your accomplishments this far, and continue with your success... and don't let anyone (especially a woman! lol) get in your way.
Good luck!0 -
Thanks again. 0
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You don't want to know girls that will judge you without supporting you on those things. Be honest always but be gentle when you tell her and explain why you want to tell her.0
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well the way i see it....we all have demons some are just bigger than others.
having said that as long as you are actively trying to better yourself and your life most of your past could be forgiven, the only thing that would play a big role in finding a girlfriend that I can see is your alcoholism. I think most women would be a bit worried by that.
but the right woman will come along when its time, just keep on enjoying life and improving on yourself 0 -
If a chick is really "feeling" you, your past would not even matter. You're changing. Building your life back up, getting healthy. Focus on that and good things and chicks will eventually follow.0
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When i was single - i had standards of age - within 2 years to 5 years (that is just me), i wanted them to have their own place (not living with family - but roommates are fine i get it apartments are expensive or houses), a car (so I am not the one to drive them everywhere i wanted them to pick me up dont be lazy lol), and has a job (i dont care about the money, but i need someone who can take care of themselves) it was basic, sure physical attraction is important just as personality, now everyone has their own preference on the past, because some fears it will happen again.
if they like/love you they can by pass it.0 -
From what you've said - you have had a really rough past (I don't know how much of that is self - inflicted, or if there was an underlying cause out of your control which caused the alcoholism and to be honest, I don't want to know, not because I don't care, but because it isn't my business.)
What I can see now is a man who has realised that things need to change and is making a turn for the better. Enrolling to a local university, being alcohol free etc are not easy feats and you should be proud! I think that what you are doing is great and I really respect the change in you...
I think that it would be important to share your past with a girl, but not with a girl on a first date...for you, I think the most important thing would be to seek friendship as opposed to a relationship. With a past like yours, it will be important to build a foundation of trust and I think if you can do that with female friends and share your story with them (see how they react) it will help you more when you are ready for a relationship.
If you do find yourself in a relationship, I do not think that your past is something you want to share at the very beginning - it is important to let your partner see you for who you are as a person today and then help them to understand the changes you made from the demons in your past...does that make sense?
For me personally, I would like a guy who does not live with his parents, who has ambition (which you have shown by going to university) but I would also like someone with a job...when I was studying (I'm 23 now...but I'm talking about from the age when I got my NI number up until now) i always worked on weekends / summer breaks and I now have a full time steady job that is well paid and offers progression....I'm proud of this fact not because money is important to me, but because it means that I am able to take care of myself...I would like a partner who is in that same position.
The steps you are taking are the right ones, keep at it, dream a little bigger, make a few more changes and you'll be fine!!
Shree x0 -
To be honest I'd be very very wary. I look for a person who will compliment my bad points and hopefully I'd compliment his bad points. I dumped my last boyfriend because we were far too similar and brought out the worst in each other. (well that and he would get drunk and tell me he loved me then deny it the next day)
The alcoholism would be a worry but terrible job history and living with the parents would be a deal breaker. The three together are a bad combination. Take even one out and I'd consider it. (so if you had the past and had a job but lived with your parents to get back on your feet I wouldn't find that a deal breaker)0 -
Thank you.0
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Your past is your past...As long as you are seriously moving forward with your life and when the time comes and you do meet someone, if they truly like you for who you are, the past shouldn't matter. When the time comes to tell that person, be honest and open, let the person ask questions and own up to your past. Everyone has a past...Some good, some bad...0
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By the way-- when I met my husband he was living with his parents (after a brutal breakup with his fiance) and working at McDonald's. He had horrible credit. He was at least 60 lbs overweight and a smoker (no offense to smokers but a lot of non-smokers find that a turn-off), and most girls wrote him off as a life-time loser. I, however, could see that he was working hard to turn his life around. He was running every day, he was working his butt off to get into the Navy, his dream, and he had the best personality. He was the most caring person with the best sense of humor. He also turned out to be great in a lot of unexpected ways.
Almost everyone told me that he was not worth my time, etc. But I saw more depth in him, and he treats me better than I had ever been treated. Sure enough, a year and a half later and with a lot of encouragement from me, he's an E-3 in the Navy, he's healthy and fit (and attractive now to the people who wrote him off then), doesn't smoke, and makes enough money that I was able to quit my job because of my disability and stay home. He has also paid off all of his debt. We have a great relationship and I can't imagine where I would be if I had listened to all those people who said "really? you want to go out with HIM?"
So I think it's all about whether or not you're putting your past behind you, trying to move forward, and cultivating a better future for yourself. My husband just needed a reason to move forward. He was hitting so many walls with people telling him that he'd never be able to turn his life around that he believed it.
My point is girls, sometimes running the other way just because he's staying at his parents' or hasn't got a steady income could result in losing out on something amazing. It depends on whether the guy is satisfied to be job-less, living at home, etc. or if he really wants to do more.
Wow, out of all the people here your story/advice for him sounds the most helpful. I think automatically writing a guy off based off job issues etc. is a poor excuse for not starting a relationship. You're right, the best people could be those many of us overlook.0 -
First and Foremost: Find your nearest 12 step meeting and get involved, will do wonders for your self esteem and really bring your life to a whole new place. Secondly, everyone has a "past", chances are that anyone you date will have some stuff they are overcoming to. I am really wishing you luck. I am just about at 8 years sober myself!0
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... a girl just flat out rolls her eyes at me, says, "Oh my God" and never speaks to me again? ...
You don't want to be with those girls. Those girls are snobs and won't see you for who you have overcome and who you still are growing into. Those girls are just that.... girls. You want to be with a woman. Someone who has experienced things in her past and doesn't judge you. Be confident in yourself. Be proud of your accomlishments for making HUGE changes in your life (kudos - by the way!) and just be you! The right person will come along. Don't stress it...
My bf's best friend from highschool ended up being homeless on the streets downtown Vancouver. He lived in back alleys and elevator shafts for about 5 years, addicted to whatever drugs came his way. He was able to pull himself out of it all and now has a girlfriend who respects him and a job that pays the bills and allows for him to purchase some toys once and a while. It's been a long road for him but he is getting there. You're not alone!
Keep up the good work.0
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