Finding it hard to stick to with unsupportive partner
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Hi there ,its a difficult situation, if he needs to lose weight too instead of using the wii why dont you put the baby in its buggy and both of you go for a gentle jog together ? good look0
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to everyone suggesting a second tv - he not only wants to watch tv himself, he will have a full blown toddler style strop if i dont sit down next to him and watch his rubbish.
Sweet baby Jesus. Even my daddy couldn't make me sit down and watch tv if I didn't want to as a child. I'd be damned if someone was going to try and pull that mess with me as a full grown adult and a parent myself.
He sounds extremely childish. I can't and won't say do this or do that, but some serious issues need to be addressed both by yourself & with him. If it continues, then......
I know 100% how hard it is to make the decision to not be with someone (& I'm not saying you should leave or stay either way) that you've been with for a long time and have a child with. I left my ex and we have two children together. While he may not have been abusive in any way, shape or form, he still wasn't the right person for me and leaving was the hardest thing I ever had to make the choice to do, but ultimately, at the end of the day....you have to do what's best for yourself & your child.
That may seem & feel selfish & childish, but believe me, your baby knows when something's not right (even subtly) and that's not a good situation for her to be experiencing.
Good luck, sweetie!0 -
You can't get him to understand. Plain & simple. Maybe one day he will try to, but until then he will not. But I have good news! Read carefully...
Your weight loss DOES NOT DEPEND ON HIM UNDERSTANDING WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
I lose weight just as fast whether my husband likes what I'm doing or not. The 10 miles a week I run burns just as many calories whether he supports it or not. And he doesn't have to like it. He's an individual, he's entitled to like & dislike anything he wants to just like me. So your bf thinks you're selfish for using the wii? Tell him to suck it & shake that *kitten* in front of him while you work out. Hell, I'd do an extra 10-15 minutes just for kicks. He wants to eat in front of you? If it bothers you, leave the room (or fire up the wii, he should enjoy that). If he follows you, go to a different room. Let him chase your sexy *kitten* all around the house. At some point he will probably decide he can't eat & aggravate you at the same time.
I don't think it's fair to assume he's a *kitten* & says "dump the loser" because of how he's reacting to your efforts. Obviously he's aware of his own health issues if you're aware of them too, he's no dummy. But he's in denial about taking action on it & that's natural. How long were you in denial before you decided to take action on your own weight? Did you do it because of someone else, or when YOU decided it was time? He deserves to decide for himself when to get his shyt together just like the rest of us. And if he chooses not to, he's allowed to do that too. Fortunately you love him for other reasons, & I'm sure he loves you for non-health-related reasons. He may be trying to hold you back because he's not ready to go there & that's ok. Let him try. Ultimately you're in control of your own health.
You've got to do this for you. And if you're really doing it for you, it won't matter what anyone else thinks, says or does about it.
EDIT: As for the temper tantrums, he does that to manipulate you & you're just as responsible for that as he is. The very first time he did it, it had the desired effect by influencing you to do whatever it was he wanted. Your responsibility is to stop letting him manipulate you into watching his "rubbish" & doing whatever else it is you let him con you into doing. You'll feel guilty at first, but unless you learn how to get over that & take care of your business, it will never stop. Never. Take charge of your situation, like, YESTERDAY.0 -
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We have a 1yr old daughter... so its not that simple.
No it isn't that simple, but this will just be a cursor to what is to come as far as unsupportivness. I am a newly (1 year) single mom of 4, and my ex is the father of the 3 youngest. For way too many years I put HIS feelings, HIS needs, HIS wants before my own and accepted that I just didn't do it if he didn't support it. That meant I didn't work, I was a stay at home mom, and in the beginning that was what we both wanted, but when I changed my mind and wanted to get a PT job (so he couldn't keep throwing "HIS"money in my face telling me I was lazy and worthless) Nope, not supportive. Wanted to get workout stuff to get in shape, nope. Try to buy healthy foods to improve diet, nope was not supportive. After 5 i decided no more. I was going to make the positive changes in my life, but most importantly my KIDS lives. I went back to school, and now I had "MY" own money I joined a gym, started eating and feeding my kids in a more healthy manner. Now I still cooked so he could have some, but took the approach that if he didn't want to eat what I made for the family he could cook for himself. This caused a lot of strain on our relationship that already had enough strain from the way I allowed him to treat me for so long. During this time of change he showed me even more unsupportiveness when my Grandmother was dying and I helped provide hospice care for her. Mad that I wasn't there to care for the kids, mad I was away from the house etc. It only took 9 months before it was over. I could no longer stay with someone that could not support me in anything. Yes thinking about ended a relationship when you have children with them is more complicated. Sorry for the ramble, but your not alone. BUT you have to be healthy not only for you, but so YOU can be there for your child. Do you want them to grow up having healthy eating habits from the start, or struggle later in life (like so many of us here). Have you sat down and talked with him about what you want to change and how he can best support you? If not that is what I would suggest. He may THINK he is helping you by treating you this way, but is deep down supportive. Talk to him, then if he still keeps doing this you will know he really isn't supportive. GL0 -
I love this.You can't get him to understand. Plain & simple. Maybe one day he will try to, but until then he will not. But I have good news! Read carefully...
Your weight loss DOES NOT DEPEND ON HIM UNDERSTANDING WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
I lose weight just as fast whether my husband likes what I'm doing or not. The 10 miles a week I run burns just as many calories whether he supports it or not. And he doesn't have to like it. He's an individual, he's entitled to like & dislike anything he wants to just like me. So your bf thinks you're selfish for using the wii? Tell him to suck it & shake that *kitten* in front of him while you work out. Hell, I'd do an extra 10-15 minutes just for kicks. He wants to eat in front of you? If it bothers you, leave the room (or fire up the wii, he should enjoy that). If he follows you, go to a different room. Let him chase your sexy *kitten* all around the house. At some point he will probably decide he can't eat & aggravate you at the same time.
I don't think it's fair to assume he's a *kitten* & says "dump the loser" because of how he's reacting to your efforts. Obviously he's aware of his own health issues if you're aware of them too, he's no dummy. But he's in denial about taking action on it & that's natural. How long were you in denial before you decided to take action on your own weight? Did you do it because of someone else, or when YOU decided it was time? He deserves to decide for himself when to get his shyt together just like the rest of us. And if he chooses not to, he's allowed to do that too. Fortunately you love him for other reasons, & I'm sure he loves you for non-health-related reasons. He may be trying to hold you back because he's not ready to go there & that's ok. Let him try. Ultimately you're in control of your own health.
You've got to do this for you. And if you're really doing it for you, it won't matter what anyone else thinks, says or does about it.
EDIT: As for the temper tantrums, he does that to manipulate you & you're just as responsible for that as he is. The very first time he did it, it had the desired effect by influencing you to do whatever it was he wanted. Your responsibility is to stop letting him manipulate you into watching his "rubbish" & doing whatever else it is you let him con you into doing. You'll feel guilty at first, but unless you learn how to get over that & take care of your business, it will never stop. Never. Take charge of your situation, like, YESTERDAY.
But honestly, how much crap is enough? How many personality flaws are we supposed to overlook or compensate for?
He's not supportive. Strike one. He's controlling and manipulative. Strike two. He's selfish. Strike three. He's childish. Strike.. wait, we've run out of strikes here. At some point, we have to realize when that *kitten* IS an *kitten* and decide to either live with him or that we're worth more.0 -
I know in my heart, and my head... that staying with someone because we have a child is totally the wrong reasons, and is actually harmful..
i did leave him a few months back over the way he talked down to me, and was shocked when everyone i knew, my family, and my mother, all told me i was being selfish and that we had a child so i should just suck it up and get on with it.. and thats what i did..
4 months down the line, nothing has changed, we are just arguing about different things, and he has a new subject to make me feel small about
sounds to me like you already know you need to toss him out with the trash, but unsupportive people around you are making it hard. I think you need to get rid of him, build yourself a new happy environment for you and your daughter. If other people tell you that you are being selfish, well ask them what is wrong with thinking about yourself for ONCE. Besides if he's really such a jerk, i dont think he's going to be very good for your daughter at all. You dont want her to grow up thinking thats how she should let guys treat her. I'm not trying to tell you how to raise your child (i hope it doesnt come across that way) cause i dont have kids so i wouldnt dream of saying i know wat to do, but i think its important to consider if hes no good for you, chances are hes no good for your daughter either, and anyone who is telling you to suck it up needs to realise this.
I think you should go for it, and if your family is unsupportive then just ignore them. they are family and eventually they will come around, and right now you need people who are going to support you with a hard decision. If they cant be supportive then they can get lost until they can be!
Well thats my opinion anyway, but i hope you sort this out, you dont deserve to be treated poorly and you certainly dont deserve someone sabotaging our efforts0 -
OP another thing that at least for me made it easier to end it was to look at my girls, would I ever want them or be ok with being in a relationship where they were getting treated the way I was? NO but by staying WITH him they were going to learn that ours was a "NORMAL" and healthy relationship when it was far from it!0
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Tell him he is hurting your feelings and that he's doing absolutely nothing to help you with your positive changes.
If he doesn't stop this behavior I would take a serious look at your relationship.
I agree with this guy!
On both parts....Even if you don't actually want to follow through with the donkey punch, envisioning it could help ease some frustration;P
Or you could donkey punch him in his sleep.0 -
I have a similar yetdifferent problem. My guy can b super supportive one day and then a jerk the next. Its not usually about me but sometimes its hard not to take personally. I know i havechoice to deal with my feelings intelligently or walow but eff its hard sometimes. Dangit.0
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sorry to sound so harsh, but my advice is to kick him to the curb now.... the situation may seem small-ish now, but this type of behavior (belittling, selfishness, etc...) will only escalate.:flowerforyou:0
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When itcomes to staying with a mate or striking off on your own, you gotta b honest with yourself first and then choose.wherever u go you will still b yo, no matter who u r with.0
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I am trying my hardest to stick to my diet (my diary is open).. and to do my 300 cals worth of cardio every day.. But my bf has decided that if i do my Wii, then im being selfish for using the tv.. and he makes such a huge deal of eating what he wants infront of me..
Oh wow, I'm feeling triggered by your post! My ex (who used to always tell me how fat I was) would get mad at me for working out. I had to sneak and do it while he was in something else. I still don't know why. When I started running races, it got hard to hide. It just seemed like he couldn't handle me getting in better shape.
I hope your bf gets on your side soon, but even if he doesn't... you're not doing this for him, so don't let his antics sway you!0 -
Didn't read all responses but is that how you want your daughter treated in future relationships? Women tend to date men who remind them of their dads.0
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to everyone suggesting a second tv - he not only wants to watch tv himself, he will have a full blown toddler style strop if i dont sit down next to him and watch his rubbish.
I'm sorry, but this guy sounds like a REAL loser. He doesn't support you; he doesn't care about waht matters to you'; he doesn't care about your feelings; and he treats you like a terrier. Sounds like to me the ONLY thing he has going for him is some errant sperm.
You might consider couples counseling-- and not just for the diet stuff. This guy is a CHILD, and quite frankly, with a toddler in the house, you don't need a second big fat baby to make things worse.
He needs to grow up and be a man; or you need to grow up and get the hell out of there.
thank you for this... i start to think that i am being unreasonable about the way i view his behaviour.. but it is reassuring to know other people can see the way he behaves is just wrong, and childish.. thank you
I was in a relationship like this once too. I also doubted my own opinion and didn't get a lot of support from my family. I won't bore you with the details, but the main thing is, it only got worse and there were clear flags the emotional abuse would escalate into physical abuse.
If you can't even have a simple discussion with him that doesn't turn into an argument, you need to leave.
You might find support in strange places - I did. My family helped me physically (the helped me move my stuff etc.), but they never did support me emotionally throughout the whole thing. However, his own friends actually voiced their support to me and admitted they thought he was a dangerous jerk. My co-workers, old school chums... loads of people.
You've obviously got supporters here on MFP too, so take heart! :flowerforyou:0 -
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I'm not a medical expert, but perhaps he's in denial about his own problems, and therefore is trying to shift any attention from his problems to yours. His behaviour is obviously unacceptable, but I think it would help if he was made to realise that he too has problems and needs to be doing what you are doing, losing weight.
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Agree with the above poster!0 -
I think I would of donkey punched my fiancee already if he was like that! And he definately knows that. I learned from my mother not to stand for that in a relationship. I'm sorry but if my fiancee was like your boyfriend I would of shown him where the door was already without worrying about what others are saying.
My fiancee loves TV and playing his own video games. If I want to work out using the wii than we make a bit of a deal. I use it for half an hour and than he can play his video games or watch one of his shows. We have two TVs in our house so if he really wants to watch he can go into the other room while I use the TV the Wii is hooked up to.
Your family and friends don't know the TRUTH about what happens in your relationship and in your house.. they shouldn't be ones to judge and you should not take what they say into consideration. YOU need to decide what is best for YOU and YOUR daughter.
Ask yourself this: If your daughter was in your shoes right now, what would you want her to do? I'm sure as a mom you'd say kick him to the curb.
Sit down and have a conversation with him. Tell him why you want to do this. Tell him you need his support. If he doesn't want to support you than he isn't the one for you. I'm sorry to say it but if he really loved you he would be there for you. It doesn't matter if you have a child with him... by the sounds of it this relationship is not what a child should be exposed to.0 -
Dump him? You can do better if he will not support you!0
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suggest he should do the wii with you. If he can not forfit the tv for the small amount of time you are working out, then he is a jerk. Tell him to support your decision, or you will really have to examine your relationship.0
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He is very insecure in his relationship with you. I have seen alot of men who feel threatened when their significant others start to improve themselves and women also do the same with their men. Try sitting down and talking to him about it and how you are doing this so you can be healthy and want his support. If he does not care then I would say you might want to move on. If he can't support you in this area of your life, which your health is of major importance, then what else will he "bail" on during the relationship. It is tough but at least you are seeing it early enough to try and address it.0
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We have a 1yr old daughter... so its not that simple.
the frustrating thing is that he has a fatty liver, and has been told by the dr's he needs to do some serious weight loss or they are going to have to put him up for surgery.. he's just not taking any of it seriously
I'm not a medical expert, but perhaps he's in denial about his own problems, and therefore is trying to shift any attention from his problems to yours. His behaviour is obviously unacceptable, but I think it would help if he was made to realise that he too has problems and needs to be doing what you are doing, losing weight.
This - He sees you getting up and doing something about your weight and it makes him feel worse that he isn't. It's his own fault, yes, but he piles it on top of the supposed "inconvenience" of you taking away his TV...
He needs to grow up and stop making your success into his problem.0 -
There are too many posts here talking about they way HE feels or thinks. Guys are not that deep. He's an an *kitten*. Weight loss is not about calorie counting - it's a lifestyle change. You have to make hard choices that involve more than eating and exercising. In addition to being completely disrespectful to you he's setting a horrible example for your child.0
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We have a 1yr old daughter... so its not that simple.
the frustrating thing is that he has a fatty liver, and has been told by the dr's he needs to do some serious weight loss or they are going to have to put him up for surgery.. he's just not taking any of it seriously
he's behaving terribly, but is this the only issue you have with him? if he's a good guy, trustworthy and lifts you up in other areas, and this is just a specific issue you're having, then dont dump him straight off!!!!
he obviously has had serious problems with weight for at least the past few years, since it has become a medical issue as well. i think he probably doesnt want to change himself and is in denial about that, and since he sees you are trying to be healthier and do what he SHOULD be doing himself, you're basically a walking reminder of his own failures and how he will get sicker if he continues down that path.
that being said, when was he diagnosed? if this has been going on for more than a few weeks you need to snap him out of it. have a serious talk about how you feel and CALMLY explain that he needs to get serious about his health, both for himself and his FAMILY. but dont get angry, be supportive! unless hes a complete moron he will realize he needs to make a change... and you can help him, if he lets you. are their fun games on the WII you can do togetheR? maybe go for walks? cook him healthier meals, and DONT keep bad stuff in the house. if he doesnt listen to you, maybe you can go back to the doctor and have him talk to him as well....
good luck!~ im sorry0 -
Difficult situation but first, as others have mentioned, you have to have a heart to heart with him - not necessarily about his lifestyle and health (only he can choose to take the fitness journey and make himself heathier for him) - but about how he is treating you and behaving toward you. If that doesn't help to change things then you need to seriously look at your relationship - I realize having a child together does change things - but think of this - is this the type of behavior you want your child to learn? Do you want your child to feel it is ok to be treated like this by their significant other? Or do you want your child to treat their SO like this? Tough questions and no easy answers I'm afraid. Whatever you choose, don't let your SO take away your motivation. In the end this journey is yours!! Good Luck:flowerforyou:0
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I feel ya.. Through no fault of his own, my husband is unsupportive. He has never weighed more than 140lb in his life (when we met, he weighed 110) so he has never had to even paid the least bit of attention to what he sticks in his mouth and he does NO exercise. Ive been called selfish for wanting the tv to do my Zumba but yanno, he gets over it.0
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There are too many posts here talking about they way HE feels or thinks. Guys are not that deep. He's an an *kitten*. Weight loss is not about calorie counting - it's a lifestyle change. You have to make hard choices that involve more than eating and exercising. In addition to being completely disrespectful to you he's setting a horrible example for your child.
are you a guy? im sorry to say but most men i know DO have feelings and are smart enough to be deeper than *gruntgrungurnt* "i like cheetos" i seriously cant think of ONE guy im close with that is as shallow as the stereotype.
ugh seriously, why is everyone's last word on men that they're complete idiots? you need to start hanging out with smarter people....0 -
What concerned me most is that when someone said "Dump him" you responded that you have a 1 yo so it's not that simple... Oh boy. Not knowing you and the entire situation please take this with a grain of salt: Children are NO reason to stay with an unsupportive mate. If anything it could make it harder for them in the future for not seeing what true love is really all about.
^^ This. Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one.
You said there are other issues in your relationship...it might be time to think about whether it's a healthy relationship, and one you want to be in. Good luck with whatever you decide!0 -
I haven't read all of the replies, but I will second the person who advised you to go to counseling. If you have insurance, it very well might be covered (mine was), and it's worth the money.
If you have a daughter together, and if he's an ok guy in every other way, you owe it to your child to go to therapy and see if the two of you can communicate better on this issue.
Best of luck. I am NOT an advocate of just staying together for a child, by the way. Not at all. I just think that therapy often can help. 0 -
Tell him to suck it.0
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Or you could donkey punch him in his sleep.
This is by far my favorite answer of all!! Seriously, I'm going to second this one!!!!
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Agreed!0
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