Friday Funnies - Add your joke here.

Secret_Agent_007

This one's kinda weak but it was emailed to me just now.


PECANS IN THE CEMETERY





On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me...'

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...

They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

LilChickPea

KInda lame, but a good play on words....

How can you tell if a stick is from a dogwood?
........................................................................
The bark is ruff.

HA HA HA Happy Friday everyone!

babalee

I love these!


Brain is not working too well this morning... so I'll just leave you with this oldie:

A horse walks in a bar, the bartender comes over and says, "Why the long face?"

Run4iiiiiit

What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific? Nothing....they just waved.

LickyNees

News: 'Boy Georges reptile bites 5 people in one day.' He needs a calmer chameleon.

schnugglebug

Somebody Sent this to me lol some are funny others well...

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go
Through The forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting
On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a
Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four
Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a
Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a
Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The
Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef
And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a
Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People
Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was
Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between
a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer
And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .

22. How Are a Tornado And a
Redneck Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

schnugglebug

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what;

Metal,

Wood,

Stone,

Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?

He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands,
she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter
an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red .

She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.

And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.

They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??
I STILL WORRY ABOUT YOU SOMETIMES!!!!

bluestarlight19

Dirty joke:

Two vampires walk into a bar.
One orders a glass of blood and the other orders a glass of hot water.
The vampire that ordered his blood starts drinking it, the bartender stares curiously at the one who ordered hot water.
"why did you order water?" he asks.
The second vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea"

LilChickPea

What did the psychiatrist say to his patient when he walked in the office wrapped in saran wrap??

Wait for it...

Wait for it...

I can clearly see your nuts.


HA HA HA HA

StrengthIsBeautiful

Cleanest joke I know:

What would we have if everyone in America drove a red car?

Why, a Red CarNation!

MercenaryNoetic26

Bill Maher quote I thought was hilarious:

Ladies... if Herman Cain didn't grab your butt, IT'S BECAUSE you're in the 99%!!!!! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!!!! :noway:

MercenaryNoetic26

Dirty joke:

Two vampires walk into a bar.
One orders a glass of blood and the other orders a glass of hot water.
The vampire that ordered his blood starts drinking it, the bartender stares curiously at the one who ordered hot water.
"why did you order water?" he asks.
The second vampire pulls out a tampon and says, "I'm making tea"

LOL!

Secret_Agent_007

Paraprosdokians

A Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.


* Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


* The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.


* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


* If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.


* We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


* War does not determine who is right - only who is left.


* Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.


* Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


* A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.


* I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted wages.


* Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'


* I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


* A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.


* You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.


* Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


* There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.


* I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.


* You're never too old to learn something stupid.


* Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.


* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


* Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.


* A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.


* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.


* I always take life with a pinch of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.


* When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.


* If we are supposed to learn from our mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Secret_Agent_007

Doctor's office visit



Concerned that I wasn't getting enough exercise, my doctor asked me about the activities I had performed yesterday, I told him about my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake".



Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"




"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

Secret_Agent_007

If Men Were Allowed to Write Advice Columns


Will's Problem Page


Dear Will:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high- heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.

He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?


Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Billings


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.

If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

Will

Secret_Agent_007

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Secret_Agent_007

My wife has been missing a month now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

Secret_Agent_007

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

*****
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."


*****

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

*****
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just put me down for a five."

*****
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

*****
The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?

Secret_Agent_007

At a U2 concert in Ireland , Bono, the lead singer, asks the audience for some quiet, and then he slowly starts to clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, "I want you to think about something.

Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A Newfie in the front yells out, in the silence: "Then stop clappin' ya F**kin' a**ole"!

Secret_Agent_007

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is.”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where’s the money?
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

Secret_Agent_007

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.


The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.


As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and treehouse.





While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually,


"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.


After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs..."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom... There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing
but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.


She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?"

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,


"You've built a GolfCourse ?"

Secret_Agent_007

Two Woodpeckers...*
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

Secret_Agent_007

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

vaderandbill

From my tasteless file:

What is the only type of wood that doesn't float?

Natalie

Secret_Agent_007

After both suffering depression for quite some time, my wife and I decided to both commit suicide last night.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought, screw it, I'll tough it out.

Secret_Agent_007

Yesterday being Easter Sunday, the kids all wake up to find baskets full of goodies. My five year old looks at his basket and screams.

I asked him what that was for.

He responded, "I'm givin a shout out to my peeps"

Secret_Agent_007

WHAT IS LEVEL OF STRESS...
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl.
Suddenly she faints inside your car, and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you are going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful.
So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile and probably have been since birth.
You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids.
NOW THAT'S STRESS!

Secret_Agent_007

Two women Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Secret_Agent_007

OLD GUYS ARE HELPFUL...

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."



Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

Secret_Agent_007

We are in trouble...





The population of this country is 30 million.











16 million are retired.





That leaves 14 million to do the work.












There are 8.5 million in school.





Which leaves 5.5 million to do the work.





Of this there are 4 million employed by the federal government.





Leaving 1..5 million to do the work.




200,000 are in the armed forces





Which leaves 1.3 million to do the work.







Take from that total the 1,160,000 people who work for province and city
Governments. And that leaves 140,000 to do the work.





At any given time there are 39,800 people in hospitals.





Leaving 100,200 to do the work.





Now, there are 100,198 people in prisons.





That leaves just two people to do the work.





You and me.





And there you are,





Sitting on your ***,





At your computer, reading jokes.





Nice. Real nice.

Secret_Agent_007

Buddy of mine met with a serious accident, he lost his privates in a motorcycle accident, his doctor informed him he was good for insurance, $5000 for the initial replacement and $1000 per inch , he suggested he consulted with his wife as to how many inches would be required, 5 may be too little and 9 may be too much

He returned the following day and informed the doctor that he had discussed with his wife and......








They are getting granite counter tops.