Friday Funnies - Add your joke here.

Secret_Agent_007

Two Woodpeckers...*
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers).
The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat...

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

Secret_Agent_007

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

vaderandbill

From my tasteless file:

What is the only type of wood that doesn't float?

Natalie

Secret_Agent_007

After both suffering depression for quite some time, my wife and I decided to both commit suicide last night.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought, screw it, I'll tough it out.

Secret_Agent_007

Yesterday being Easter Sunday, the kids all wake up to find baskets full of goodies. My five year old looks at his basket and screams.

I asked him what that was for.

He responded, "I'm givin a shout out to my peeps"

Secret_Agent_007

WHAT IS LEVEL OF STRESS...
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful young girl.
Suddenly she faints inside your car, and you take her to hospital. Now that's stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is pregnant and congratulate you that you are going to be a father.
You say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting very stressful.
So then...... you request a DNA test to prove that you are not the father.
After the tests are completed, the doctor says that you are infertile and probably have been since birth.
You are extremely stressed but relieved.
On your way back home, you think about your 3 kids.
NOW THAT'S STRESS!

Secret_Agent_007

Two women Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Secret_Agent_007

OLD GUYS ARE HELPFUL...

I was in Lowe's the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart.

I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

I said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."



Most of us old guys are helpful like that.

Secret_Agent_007

We are in trouble...





The population of this country is 30 million.











16 million are retired.





That leaves 14 million to do the work.












There are 8.5 million in school.





Which leaves 5.5 million to do the work.





Of this there are 4 million employed by the federal government.





Leaving 1..5 million to do the work.




200,000 are in the armed forces





Which leaves 1.3 million to do the work.







Take from that total the 1,160,000 people who work for province and city
Governments. And that leaves 140,000 to do the work.





At any given time there are 39,800 people in hospitals.





Leaving 100,200 to do the work.





Now, there are 100,198 people in prisons.





That leaves just two people to do the work.





You and me.





And there you are,





Sitting on your ***,





At your computer, reading jokes.





Nice. Real nice.

Secret_Agent_007

Buddy of mine met with a serious accident, he lost his privates in a motorcycle accident, his doctor informed him he was good for insurance, $5000 for the initial replacement and $1000 per inch , he suggested he consulted with his wife as to how many inches would be required, 5 may be too little and 9 may be too much

He returned the following day and informed the doctor that he had discussed with his wife and......








They are getting granite counter tops.

Secret_Agent_007

> A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
>
> Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'
>
> 'What's that mean?' asked the child.
>
> 'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
>
> The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'
>
> Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, And scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'
>
> The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
>
> Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
>
> (YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!)
>
> The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

Secret_Agent_007

A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big titz who owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a *kitten*.

Secret_Agent_007

Fidelity



A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,


when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.



As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what Martha?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


'I'm beginning to think you're bad luck....

Secret_Agent_007

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to

meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he
made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was

my fault that he was upset He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to

do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I
loved
him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love

you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if

he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and
watched
TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all
around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to

bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were

somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure
that
his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.





Husband's Diary:

A four putt; who the hell four putts ?

Secret_Agent_007

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner and facing the wall crying.

She asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” He replied: “Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16?”

“Remember,” he said, “I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years.”

Baffled, she said, “Yes.”

The husband bawled, “I would have gotten out of prison today.”

Secret_Agent_007

Jim was in a horrible car accident in which he broke both his legs.
His buddy Bill comes over to give him a hand.
Jim says. "Be a pal and run upstairs and fetch me my slippers."
Bill goes upstairs and as he is getting the slippers he sees Jim's beautiful 19 year old twin daughters. Bill gets an idea.
"Your Dad told me to come up here and have sex with both of you."
"You're lying." They say. "There is no way he said that."
"Oh yeah." Bill says. "I'll prove it." He yells downstairs. "Both of them?"
"Of course BOTH of them." Jim says... "What good is F---ING one!"

Secret_Agent_007

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he
is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he
die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught
on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Titleist titanium head golf club with the graphite shaft."

SILENCE...........





LONG SILENCE.........







VERY LONG SILENCE.



"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****."

Secret_Agent_007

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts."
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

Secret_Agent_007

SUNDAY MORNING SEX

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.
It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

Secret_Agent_007

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed.
'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself!

And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..

'You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?'