Friday Funnies - Add your joke here.

Secret_Agent_007

Why did the chicken cross the road?


To prove to the raccoon that it could be done.
__________________

Secret_Agent_007

The Gorilla AND THE REDNECK
A small zoo in West Virginia obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition

"Fourth", Bobby Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

"And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00"

Secret_Agent_007

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an
attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family
name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the

things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'

Secret_Agent_007

A guy sits down in a resturant and asks for the hot chilli.
The waitress says the guy next to you got the last bowl.
He looks over and sees the guy is finished his meal but the chilli bowl is still full.
He says are you going to eat that?
The other guy says no help your self.
He takes it and starts to eat it, when halfway down he his fork hits something.
He looks down and sees a dead mouse in it and he pukes the chilli back into the bowl.
The other guy says, that's about as far as i got as well.

Secret_Agent_007

Three guys are about to start their round when a beautiful young lady approaches them and asks to join their group. They eagarly agree, and the four start off.

The sexy young woman is playing great, and the three men are quite astonished, and each spends the round flirting with her and giving advise every chance they get, trying to impress her.

Final hole, the beautiful woman ends up with a 30' putt. She turns to the men in the group and says "I"m having the best game of my life thanks to you guys. If I make this putt, it will be the first time I break par. Whoever gives me the best advise on how to sink this one to break par, I'll be so thrilled, I'll spend the rest of day with him making passionate love"

The first man steps behind the ball, gives a good look, and says "Medium speed, 2' break left to right"

The second man steps up, looks at the line and says "Fast roll, dead straight"

The third man doesn't move. Stares at the sexy young beauty, and says...

"Its a gimme."

Secret_Agent_007

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
>
> A half-gallon of 2% milk,
> A carton of eggs,
> A quart of orange juice,
> A head of romaine lettuce,
> A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
> A 1 lb. package of bacon.
>
> As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check
> out, a drunk
> standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front
> of the
> cashier.
>
> While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk
> calmly stated,
> 'You must be single.'
>
> I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was
> intrigued by the
> derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I
> looked at the six
> items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
> about my
> selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my
> marital status.
>
> Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you
> know what, you're
> absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'
>
> The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

Secret_Agent_007

After landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive,
mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly,
"Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they
twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no, they ain't twins.
The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?" So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor
stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and
thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart." My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut
out for this line of work.

Secret_Agent_007

Charles wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his Company's
Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the
party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Charles had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And,
next to them, a single red rose! Charles sits up and sees his clothing in
front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees
that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He
takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him
in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of
the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from
his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early
to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you,
Darling! Love, T'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His daughter is also at the
table, eating.

Charles asks:

'Hey... what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

'Confused, he asked his daughter, 'So, why is everything in such perfect
order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table
waiting for me?'

His daughter replies, 'Oh THAT!.. Mom dragged
you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you
screamed, 'Leave me alone b!%ch, I'm married!'

Broken Coffee Table
$239.99

Hot Breakfast
$4.20

Two Aspirin
$.38

Saying the right thing, at the
right time......priceless!!

Secret_Agent_007

An armed balaclava clad robber bursts into a Royal Bank in
Cape Breton and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot one brave customer grabs the
balaclava and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation!
He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over
and calmly shoots him in the head also.


Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

'Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber.


There is a few moments silence then one elderly Cape Breton gent,
looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says, 'I think my wife may
have caught a glimpse ....'.

Secret_Agent_007

Voted Best Scottish Short Joke


A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'