Friday Funnies - Add your joke here.

Secret_Agent_007

A man is driving down a country road when he sees a sign, "Apples $5.00 each." Intrigued to find out why an apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the apples are so expensive.
The farmer says, "These are special peanut butter and jelly apples. Here, try one."
The man takes a bite and says, "Unbelievable; I taste the peanut butter but not the jelly."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does and he savors a sweet jelly.

The farmer says, "I've got ham and cheese apples, too, but they're $10.00 each."
The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, "Wow, these are great but I taste the ham but not the cheese."
The farmer says, "Turn it around." He does, takes a bite and a rich, creamy cheese taste fills his mouth.

The farmer says, "Now, if you really like those, I've got some very special apples that cost $50.00 each. They're p*ssy apples."
The man cannot resist and buys one. He takes a bite and says, "YUCK, these taste like *kitten*!"

The farmer says, "Turn it around."

Secret_Agent_007

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar,


the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Secret_Agent_007

WRONG E-MAIL ADDRESS

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room. So he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!!!! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

Secret_Agent_007

I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.

I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth. I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, Doris is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need a piece of tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

Secret_Agent_007

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 300 men walking single file. The man couldn't control his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My wife's." ''What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?" The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her." A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men... "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Get in line."

Secret_Agent_007

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips
> to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I
> > found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally
> unfortunate, my wife is like most women -
> > she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following
> letter from the local Target.
> >
> >
> > Dear Mrs. Miller,
> >
> >
> > Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
> > Commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
> > Behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the
> > Store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
> > Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video
> > Surveillance cameras.
> >
> >
> > 1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
> > Other people's carts when they weren't looking.
> >
> >
> > 2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
> > 5-minute intervals.
> >
> >
> > 3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
> > To the women's restroom.
> >
> >
> > 4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
> official
> > Voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
> > Away. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station
> > And receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that
> > In turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to
> > Lose time and costing the company money.
> >
> >
> > 5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
> > M&Ms on layaway.
> >
> >
> > 6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
> > Area.
> >
> >
> > 7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
> > The children shoppers he'd invite them in if
> > They would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding
> > Department to which twenty children obliged.
> >
> >
> > 8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he
> began
> > Crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people
> > Just leave me alone?' EMTs were
> > Called.
> >
> >
> > 9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
> > It as a mirror while he picked his nose.
> >
> >
> > 10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
> department,
> > He asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
> >
> >
> > 11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
> loudly
> > Humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
> >
> >
> > 12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
> 'Madonna
> > Look by using different sizes of funnels.
> >
> >
> > 13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
> > Through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
> >
> >
> > 14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
> speaker,
> > He assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH
> > NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
> > AGAIN!'
> >
> >
> > And last, but not least:
> >
> >
> > 15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited Awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's No toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Secret_Agent_007

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.

"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning.
You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

Oh, I'll let my husband Jacob know, as soon as I get home."

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?"

"He said the reflector is broken."

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?"

"I'm not sure, Jacob......something about the emergency brake......"

Secret_Agent_007

An elderly couple are attending church services.


About halfway through, he writes a note and hands it to his wife.

It says, "I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

She scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Solly123

WillPower007 - absolutely brilliant. I'm wiping the tears off my face as I type..

Definitely cheered up the day for me!!

Brilliant... :laugh:

Secret_Agent_007

THE NEWFIE AND THE HOOKER

A Newfie was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty dollars....... . ." she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They're going "at it" for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wifie! ," he answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."
"Well," he says, "neider did I bye, til you shined dat damn flashlight in her face!!"
__________________

Secret_Agent_007

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Secret_Agent_007

What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A man will stand there 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.*

Secret_Agent_007

This guy with two black eyes runs into his friend on the street. His friend asks, "what the heck happened to you?" Well, it's a long story. Two weeks ago, I was in church and we stood to sing a song. There was a rather obese woman in front of me, and when she stood up, her dress was snagged between her legs. Trying to be helpful, I reached over and gently tugged at the edge of her dress to dislodge it from between her legs. Well, she turned around, glared at me and slugged me in the eye! That's what you get for trying to be helpful!

His friend says he's sorry that this happened, but he's curious about the other black eye. Here's what happened.

Well, I was in church last week, and as luck would have it, I'm seated behind the same woman as the week before. Once again, we all rose to sing a song, and sure enough, her dress gets caught between her legs. His friend says, "don't tell me you tugged on her dress again!" No, I learned my lesson the week before. The gentleman beside me, however, reached over and tugged the woman's dress, just like I had the week before. Well, I knew that she didn't want it dislodged, so I put it back!

Secret_Agent_007

A man phones his home but a stranger answers and he asks
- "Who are you?"
- "I am the maid of the house."
- "We do not have a maid!"
- "Lady of the house hired me this morning."
- "Yea? I am the man of the house. Can you call the lady please?"
- "She is in the bedroom with who I thought was her husband,."
The man is surprised, angry,
- "You want to make fifty thousand dollars?"
- "Of course I do..."
- "Then take the gun from my desk drawer, then shoot the backstabbing a-hole and then her !"
He hears footsteps and then two shots. The maid comes back to the phone:
- "Killed, sir, what do I do with the bodies?"
- "Throw the bodies in the pool."
- "But there is no pool here?" The man thinks for a while and replies:
- "Is this not 416 699 0252?"
- "No !!!!!
- "Excuse me! I got the wrong number

Secret_Agent_007

An old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and heads into
the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he sees a
sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, "I was wondering, young
lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs: "Yes Sir , I
sure am." The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear and says
softly, "Well, wash your hands real friggin' good because I want a
cheeseburger."

Secret_Agent_007

HOW TO START A FIGHT:


The Unreasonable Mother-in-law

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started...



The Unreasonable Wife
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...


The Humour-less Wife
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Mis-informed Wife
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?"
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Dangerous Wife
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else
to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always
something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to
make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone
only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I
said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

________________________________

The Lazy Wife
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Humorless Husband
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into
the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up
to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started...



The well rounded Wife
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

The Soft Husband

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

The Masochistic Husband

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started...

Secret_Agent_007

I don't care who you are, right there. That last bit is funny. :laugh:

Secret_Agent_007

Sol Wallerstein was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him
that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition and in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of
yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the
ICU!"

"It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed...

The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

Secret_Agent_007

Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for?

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: Nothing...?? you have been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ...??

Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.

Secret_Agent_007

SCOTTISH PICK UP LINE :
A Scotsman walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'
'Naw naw love', he replies, I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Scotsman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'
Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers.'
The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!'
The Scotsman smiles, taps his watch and says,' Aye, the bloody thing's an hour fast!'