how honest should a MFP friend be?

nalfavi

I make mine public for a reason. If I didn't want advice, critiques, ideas, etc, I'd make my diary private! I personally love the advice and "slaps on the wrists" some friends give me. I've gotten such good ideas on my comments and in mail from people who have checked out my diary and gave some healthier ideas.

I think if a person makes their diary open to you, they're inviting comments about it.

shaynes14

I make terrible choices at times but I try to stay within my calorie limit. I just can't stay away from pizza, and my choices have been unusually bad of late. I know I am eating junk. If someone were to tell me, I would like to think I would realize they are just trying to remind me of why I do keep my diary open....accountability. I agree too that if you open your diary, you open yourself up for people to help you.

lellaoa

Personally, half of the reason I came to this site was accountability. I have a serious problem with binge eating, so if my friends said something to me, it would invariably help. I'm at a point where I can take criticism too, but if someone is still in denial they may not respond so well.

PennyLane1114

I have also been thinking the exact same thing! I know that I don't always make the best food choices, but staying within my calorie limit is really important to me. If I want a treat, then I will workout a little harder that day. Some diaries I've looked at consistently have soda and fast food with absolutely no exercise for over two weeks... It's hard to sit back and not say anything. I am not here to hurt one's feelings, but when your profile information says things like "I've been trying to lose weight my whole life"... I find it REALLY hard to believe they're even trying at all. It's kind of a touchy subject to call someone out. Hmm... what shall we do....

chevy88grl

I make mine public for a reason. If I didn't want advice, critiques, ideas, etc, I'd make my diary private! I personally love the advice and "slaps on the wrists" some friends give me. I've gotten such good ideas on my comments and in mail from people who have checked out my diary and gave some healthier ideas.

I think if a person makes their diary open to you, they're inviting comments about it.

I have people who ask to see my diary simply because they are shocked at how much I eat and that I can maintain. I tell them my diary isn't anything special, but I won't hide it from my friends. However, if you decide you're going to go into it and start giving me crap for my choices? I'm gonna tell you to zip it. I'm doing just fine and don't need anyone's help to know I shouldn't eat cookies all day or whatever. I don't hide what I eat - I'll share it with those I trust (friends) but I don't need to hear some stranger's advice on what I should or shouldn't be eating.

chevy88grl

I have also been thinking the exact same thing! I know that I don't always make the best food choices, but staying within my calorie limit is really important to me. If I want a treat, then I will workout a little harder that day. Some diaries I've looked at consistently have soda and fast food with absolutely no exercise for over two weeks... It's hard to sit back and not say anything. I am not here to hurt one's feelings, but when your profile information says things like "I've been trying to lose weight my whole life"... I find it REALLY hard to believe they're even trying at all. It's kind of a touchy subject to call someone out. Hmm... what shall we do....

What I would say is... you never know how they USED to be. I know it sounds silly or ridiculous, but what if only drinking 2 cans of Coke a day IS an improvement from their previous 10 cans? You never know how someone USED to be that would make even their not so ideal choices now not seem quite so bad.

Don't assume you know or understand what they're working on. Some people are proud when they give up multiple cans of pop or 3 fast food meals a day. And while you're looking at their diary thinking "Dang, they need to get it together" - maybe they ARE taking baby steps to get it together. Not everyone can go cold turkey with things. Some people HAVE to take baby steps or they give up.

I always tell people - don't judge. You never know their circumstances.

KayteeBear

I usually don't say anything at all but I wouldn't say anything about eating junk unless they ask for ideas for eating better. At least they're eating. Now in the case of somebody who's only eating 300 calories a day I may say something because is damaging to the body more than eating junk.

ChrisStoney

I have also been thinking the exact same thing! I know that I don't always make the best food choices, but staying within my calorie limit is really important to me. If I want a treat, then I will workout a little harder that day. Some diaries I've looked at consistently have soda and fast food with absolutely no exercise for over two weeks... It's hard to sit back and not say anything. I am not here to hurt one's feelings, but when your profile information says things like "I've been trying to lose weight my whole life"... I find it REALLY hard to believe they're even trying at all. It's kind of a touchy subject to call someone out. Hmm... what shall we do....

What I would say is... you never know how they USED to be. I know it sounds silly or ridiculous, but what if only drinking 2 cans of Coke a day IS an improvement from their previous 10 cans? You never know how someone USED to be that would make even their not so ideal choices now not seem quite so bad.

Don't assume you know or understand what they're working on. Some people are proud when they give up multiple cans of pop or 3 fast food meals a day. And while you're looking at their diary thinking "Dang, they need to get it together" - maybe they ARE taking baby steps to get it together. Not everyone can go cold turkey with things. Some people HAVE to take baby steps or they give up.

I always tell people - don't judge. You never know their circumstances.

I never say dang...

chevy88grl

I have also been thinking the exact same thing! I know that I don't always make the best food choices, but staying within my calorie limit is really important to me. If I want a treat, then I will workout a little harder that day. Some diaries I've looked at consistently have soda and fast food with absolutely no exercise for over two weeks... It's hard to sit back and not say anything. I am not here to hurt one's feelings, but when your profile information says things like "I've been trying to lose weight my whole life"... I find it REALLY hard to believe they're even trying at all. It's kind of a touchy subject to call someone out. Hmm... what shall we do....

What I would say is... you never know how they USED to be. I know it sounds silly or ridiculous, but what if only drinking 2 cans of Coke a day IS an improvement from their previous 10 cans? You never know how someone USED to be that would make even their not so ideal choices now not seem quite so bad.

Don't assume you know or understand what they're working on. Some people are proud when they give up multiple cans of pop or 3 fast food meals a day. And while you're looking at their diary thinking "Dang, they need to get it together" - maybe they ARE taking baby steps to get it together. Not everyone can go cold turkey with things. Some people HAVE to take baby steps or they give up.

I always tell people - don't judge. You never know their circumstances.

I never say dang...

How nice for you. Then insert whatever phrase you prefer in there....

ChrisStoney

just joking, you don't hear that in Massachusetts unless you are watching 'Joe Dirt' or something like that....

paxetamore

If you have good advice and don't pass it on why bother having a friends list?

Cheers to this! My friends and I have an unspoken open communication policy. If ya don't want to give and receive (not just one or the other) then better just drop me from your friend list. If someone is stuck in a rut, we help. If someone is traveling down a dangerous path, we say so, etc. Granted we are no professional experts... we only offer suggestions. We are not mean, insulting, or otherwise disparaging about encouraging each other... the name of our game is support and lots of woohoo's!

Veganniee

There's a few angles to this one. If you have a friend who is consistently making bad choices and complains of not losing I'd mention something about having a look at their food and how they can improve it. If it's not a regular occurrence I'd keep quiet! Another aspect is that at least they are being honest. There's plenty of people who will only log the good stuff and hide the bad.

I keep my food diary public to encourage me to be accountable. I've promised myself I will log everything. I wouldn't take offence if someone offered an opinion on how to improve, but if they criticised me for my overall choices, I'd wonder what their reasons were. One of my friends asked me about the amount of calories, or lack of, that I'd consumed and I welcomed that. At least she took the time to read my diary and comment. We could all do with another perspective at times!

ChasingHaven

I still eat things that many consider 'junk' but amazingly I choose to eat a lot less of the junk and more of the nutritious stuff. That doesn't mean I haven't changed. It's actually a very big change for me. You should see what I was eating before I started logging on MFP. Just b/c someone has choices that you would not choose for yourself does not mean they haven't changed. Everyone's experience and perspective are different.

I agree with this. Getting here and joining is step one. Consistently logging your food no matter what your choices? Step two. If they're really serious they'll take this info and learn. It's gotta be their journey on their terms. They're the only one who can do it. From my experience- my husband nagging at everything I put in my mouth? Not helpful or motivating.

Now if the owner of that food diary is moaning and completely clueless as to why they can't lose the weight? That's when I'd step in and make suggestions.

Elf_Princess1210

I would only say something if I were asked. I tend to look on friends diaries for inspiration, because I tend to get in a food rut.

VivaLaBrownGirl

Like some said, if someone isn't asking for advice, you can leave it be. However, if something is bothering you and you feel you need to say something, find the least confrontational way to mention it.

Jessamyfrm

I say keep hush unless they ask for your opinion/advice, that way then you can make some friendly criticism and suggest better choices without offending. Some people on here are quite emotional people and will take it to heart and it might knock them back a bit if they're not aware.

LTGPSA

This is a toughie. I can see both sides of it, and I typically don't look at others' diaries much because I'm tempted to comment. On the other hand, when you open your diary - aren't you opening yourself up for comment? Isn't this site about helping each other? I've gently asked one of MFPals "where are your vegetables?" Otherwise, I really haven't commented much. There's a fine line there (because it's hard to know how people will react) - tread lightly. :flowerforyou:

Maximus0005

If they are somehow losing weight with all the junk you could ask them how they are doing it. I think that would be a valid question. And if they have some big secret please let the rest of us know lol

anacsitham5

I am brutally honest and warned my MFP friends up front that I would be. I would like the same from my MFP friends, but only one will ever say anything if she doesn't like what I ate for the day. I appreciate her input and concern.

GouchisGirl

If people don't ask me, I assume they aren't looking for advice. The majority of us know when we aren't making good choices.

An open diary is kind of like asking for advice. If you "know" the person really well I would PM them with a note, but if not I would just let them be.......

Helloitsdan

okay I have not had this problem until now, I have lots of friends who make their food journal public, and I usually take a look just to see how their day went so I can support them or get good ideas, but what do you do when a person is making such bad choices???? I mean just junk.....do you say something, or keep it to yourself, I really know these people need friends too.....but I just don't know if I can sit by and say nothing!!! Advice?? Anyone??

If you know all the reasons behind their food choices and they are "bad" let them know!
I made the mistake once when I told a friend that they needed to stop starving themselves to death...yadda yaddah....she just had her stomach stapled! I had no clue! DOH!
But 90% of the people I have shaken my finger at have better eating habits now.
So let them know!
This isnt www.myignorantpal.com!

LeenaRuns

I am very honest. I feel that if they have the diary available for me to see, then they want feedback. I'll say things like, "Don't forget to eat more veggies" or something like that. I don't comment on a cookie or whatever--I mean, we're allowed to treat ourselves.

HisPathDaily

(Read my second paragraph before you make comments about my first) If someone doesn't want anyone to give advice or make suggestions then they should have their food diary private. What is the point of making it public if you do not want any feedback at all?

HOWEVER ... approaching it with concern and friendship and gentleness is how you should do something ... I would also suggest that you (or anyone) have already begun a dialog with the person (i.e. a relationship) before any comments are made. Perhaps they are just starting to go public with their diary and know they are trying to change their habits but are not there yet. Why make them feel bad about their first step to vulnerability and transparency? Just a word of caution too. Relationship first ... if that's not there a comment seems arrogant and judgmental.

Also, if I am friends with someone (already have that relationship) and I see that they are loosing weight by eating 3 oreos and a glass of milk for each meal, I may still say something out of love. If I'm friends with the person I would be truly concerned about them, and "losing weight" is not healthy in of itself.

"Love is about being deeply concerned with another human being and being willing to do something about it." S. Briscoe

scarletfever2005

I leave it alone unless I'm asked. And then, I have a rule about honesty and *kitten* kicking. If you ask me for it you are gonna get it.

MinnieInMaine

You know what? People can change their lifestyle and still enjoy the things they enjoy in life. I'm a perfect example of that. I don't eat fast food and I don't drink pop. I do, however, enjoy cookies and cake. The vast majority of the food I eat is good (or at least better for me than what I used to eat) and if I want to indulge in a cookie (or more!), a piece of cake (no frosting, please) or something "sugary" as a treat, I will.

Does it mean I'm winging it? Does it mean I haven't changed?

60lbs lost.

145lbs.

Maintaining for over a year.

Yeah. I think I got it all figured out.

Restrict yourself if you choose. I only have ONE life to live and I plan to enjoy it..

This is exactly how I feel too. Restriction has led to failure for me in the past and I'm so glad I finally figured that out! I still eat chocolate almost every day and have still managed to lose nearly 70 pounds. I don't eat as much fast food as I used to but I do still eat pizza or chinese at least once a week. I'm a foodie so it's important to me to enjoy what I eat.

Obviously you've got a fairly mixed response on whether or not you should say something. I mostly don't, unless asked, except for the rare instance when someone complains about something specific and I have some advice that might help (like high cholesterol issues). If you feel really strongly that your MFPal needs some education because they're struggling and/or complaining, go ahead and comment but do so in a private message and preface it by saying something like "I was checking out your diary and wanted to give some helpful advice. If you're not open to that at this time, feel free to stop and delete this now."

Good luck!

Kamalka

Maybe the challenge to change this food is very easy for you but quite impossible in this friend mind. Instead of "telling" you could ask rather the results match with his/her goals. As an example, you could see 500 cal of chocolate, 1500 of peanuts, 500 of yogurt, 1000 of cashews or pistaches in my diary....but these are what made me spend 17000 calories in a week (MY objective). They were mental gifts for my begining. What I mean is that noone is looking for critics and it might be part of a plan. We do not look for perfection either, we have to know ourselves to know what work with us...I can tell that if I do not have my peanuts on Friday, I will quit in less than a week even though this cal intake is too big for a snack. In my opinion a friend should rather wonder if the intake is impulsive or not. Depending on that, the right advise is always welcome

Hambone23

I'm just starting out here, and it's difficult getting my head around starting out. Last night I didn't get to the store to buy my healthy groceries for the week. I was stuck with almost nothing in the fridge and I ended up with cream cheese and Bisquick mix and a Paula Dean recipe (dang her eyes!). So I had a couple cream cheese biscuits for dinner. In my calorie range because I had a protein drink for breakfast and yogurt for lunch, but it wasn't good for me at all. I still logged it. I think I'd rather give a person credit for logging their mistakes and taking ownership of them -- because no one feels good when they fall off the wagon.

Too, you really don't always know where that person's head is or what their circumstances are. By saying something, you could make them feel like that small failure is far bigger than it really was. Some days it's so easy for one little comment to make a person feel like they just can't do this. It's too overwhelming, or too difficult, or they don't have what it takes. I suppose it also depends on how well you know a person. Some people are simply more open to criticism -- even "constructive" criticism -- than others. It's a very real conundrum. But -if- you feel you need to say something, I agree with a lot of people here: put a positive spin on it.

bigdawg025

Most people do not welcome unsolicited advice... just from my own life's experiences and my own personal preferences.

ChitownFoodie

I know my friends well enough to know when it's their cheat day or when it's just blatantly a bad streak. I don't chastise, I merely comment when its been a long time since they have eaten healthily.

elo83

A real friend will call you out on it! Ppl sometimes need a kick in the butt.