Break up or make up?

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  • Alioth
    Alioth Posts: 571 Member
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    Hey there. From someone who's had some training to counsel young people with substance abuse and other issues-- I would be very careful with this guy. Your description of his behavior raises a few red flags--escapism/avoidance (video gaming to escape real life and relationships), substance abuse (the drunkeness), and lashing out (nasty texts). These are not little flaws that will go away on their own. They are warning signs of deeper issues--possibly depression or alcoholism or major insecurities. Even if you love him, he may need more help than you can give him. He might need professional help or a serious wake-up call of some sort to help him wade through his issues. Trying to change him yourself or waiting for him to change on his own when you have enough responsibilities on your plate (such as being a mom) is going to be draining. It's your decision whether you want to stick it out with him or look for someone who treats you with respect, but you don't have to tolerate his acting out. Protecting yourself (and your family) is important!
  • AussieNikki
    AussieNikki Posts: 168 Member
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    I had a baby when I was 18 with a guy who I thought was great, but in reality was pretty much exactly what you have described your guy to be. Mine also did drugs.

    He broke up with me when I got pregnant and all through my pregnancy I begged and pleaded with him to come back. Then I had my son and a realisation struck me. I couldn't allow him to be raised by someone who treated his mother the way he did.

    Funnily enough he came crawling back wanting to get back together when my son was a few months old. I told him no way. The down hill slide his life took over the years just solidifies to me that I made the right choice.

    My son is now 17 and I am married to a wonderful man who loves me and my son. Just because you have a child to this man doesn't mean you HAVE to stay with him.

    Do it for both of you, you and your child.
  • LazerMole
    LazerMole Posts: 99 Member
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    I just want you know there are good men out there. Men who don't play video games, men who put their family first, men who are fun and will love you and your son.

    Just because a man plays video games does not take him out of the running for being a good man.

    My Dad and I play video games together and get excited about the same games coming out. He played video games with me and my brothers when we were growing up, and it was awesome family time. He also coached several of the sports we were all involved in, and did his damnedest to take off work to come see our recitals and games.

    My husband and I play the same video games, as well. My husband is a good man who is there for his family. We don't have kids, and might not - but I can safely say that if we had kids, they would be raised by a very attentive father who, yes, plays video games with them.

    The OP's fiance is an immature *kitten*. Video games are not the problem.
  • AussieNikki
    AussieNikki Posts: 168 Member
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    I just want you know there are good men out there. Men who don't play video games, men who put their family first, men who are fun and will love you and your son.

    Just because a man plays video games does not take him out of the running for being a good man.

    My Dad and I play video games together and get excited about the same games coming out. He played video games with me and my brothers when we were growing up, and it was awesome family time. He also coached several of the sports we were all involved in, and did his damnedest to take off work to come see our recitals and games.

    My husband and I play the same video games, as well. My husband is a good man who is there for his family. We don't have kids, and might not - but I can safely say that if we had kids, they would be raised by a very attentive father who, yes, plays video games with them.

    The OP's fiance is an immature *kitten*. Video games are not the problem.

    I don't think the poster meant to bash guys who play video games, but I too agree not all guys who play them are jerks. My hubby plays them and so do I.
  • SamBuck123
    SamBuck123 Posts: 90
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    You need to think of your son before anything....Thats the man that he will be looking up to ya know?? And you dont want him treating you or a future gf that way because he sees that you never left...its difficult but time heals everything and you need to be strong....it has nothing to do with not loving him but ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
  • unmitigatedbadassery
    unmitigatedbadassery Posts: 653 Member
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    As a guy who's been on the receiving end of being kicked out around Christmas, I'd say give him the boot. There's NO excuse to have an Xbox come before family ANY day of the year.

    When she kicked me out I was devastated. All I could think about was my son and how he was going to deal with it. Fortunately he's only 2 so while he knows I'm not there as long as I spend time with him on a consistent basis he's going to be OK. Once I left I realized that my relationship had been over since I was in the hospital 2 years ago. The only thing keeping us 'together' was our son. I'd technically been single for almost two years. I am so much happier now. Aside from not seeing my son every day (I see him almost everyday though) a huge weight has been lifted off of me. People have commented on how happy I seem.

    Just remember, if it's not working, if he's not going to change they you need to do what's best for you and your child. Having a dad that cares but lives elsewhere is far superior to one that's useless and lives under the same roof.
  • kisha1977
    kisha1977 Posts: 33 Member
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    You need to leave...you don't want your son to see this man being disrespectful to you and think thats okay. You are beautiful and you deserve better!
  • LuciaLongIsland
    LuciaLongIsland Posts: 815 Member
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    I have 3 suggestions for you.

    1. Pack up
    2. Leave
    3. Never look back

    This ^^

    It's no longer about you anymore, sweetie. It's about you and your son.


    Well said. I know from experience. I stayed, like a fool with someone for 21 years. No kids with him. Why??? No clue. He sounds like your BF. Drank and was so nasty. The relationship was TOXIC. He couldnt kick me out since it was my house. It went up and dow, on and off. Truly sick.

    . You are so young. Your son does not need a drunken, selfish father. I promise, when the time is right you will meet a wonderful man who will love and cherish you both.
  • Debbe2
    Debbe2 Posts: 2,071 Member
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    You've gotten excellent feedback in answer to your question! I believe you already knew what you need to do and want confirmation that you are not a bad person for doing it. You are strong and your instinct that you should leave is a good instinct. Trust yourself and take action immediately. Good luck to you!
  • TamsinEllis
    TamsinEllis Posts: 293
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    I agree with what everyone else is saying about leaving because it is what will be best for both you and your son, but I will add this in there (I haven't read everyone replies so possibly I'm parroting someone here) I wouldn't tell him your plans to leave if you do decide to, until you are packed and ready since most likely he will come up with a million and one excuses as to why you can't leave right now this minute, I can't say I've had experience with what you're going through but I have walked out on a relationship before and when I first decided to he kept talking me into staying just one more day, giving it just one more try, not leaving till the weathers better, so on so forth, and I wouldn't be surprised if your man is like that to from what you said about how he always says he'll do better next time. Anyway if you leave or if you stay I wish you the best of luck :)
  • liz3marie
    liz3marie Posts: 211 Member
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    They will always say they are gonna change, and they do...it last maybe a few days or a week. Then back to the same bull sh+t! I think you already know what to do sweety :(, I know its hard but you and your baby deserve way better! he will regret it later and he deserves to! Its always gonna come back to the same things everytime. Get help from your family and start your life with your lil one over :). Goodluck in your decisions!
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,692 Member
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    He'll change when he's 60.


    A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • TiffanyDeanee
    TiffanyDeanee Posts: 158
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    I feel you should just leave, I haven't personally went through anything like this, but I have a friend who went through the same things. First, it started out as subtle disrespect, like him telling her that she was stupid, talking down to her, talking about her weight, making her and their first kid catch a bus in the rain and then after she had the second child it turned to straight emotional abuse. When a guy gets to the point where he doesn't respect you anymore, there is nothing left for you there. No matter how much he says he loves, he love the control he has over you more than anything. I would leave while you only have one kid and no more attachments than that.
  • bestrodeo
    bestrodeo Posts: 139 Member
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    Only because you asked but I would say leave em.. First off if you stay with him you are submitting your child and any other kids yall might have to his bad habits and if its not already happening any physical abuse your boyfriend might put you through could be shown towards the child(ren) as well. Its just better to end it now before it gets any worse.. If he really cares about you or your child once you're gone he will change in order to show you he cares and try to get you back.. BE CAREFUL but leave while you can
  • hannahbellelechter
    hannahbellelechter Posts: 79
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    Leave 'em. They never change. Save yourself the heartache.. I know this from experience. Much love <3
  • Thena81
    Thena81 Posts: 1,265 Member
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    some men cant get over their bromance, move on lovely if you dont think it will change
  • oberon0124
    oberon0124 Posts: 10,527 Member
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    My friend, kick his *kitten* to the curb. It is obvious that he does not care for you or your son enough to deserve either of you. Run my friend as fast as you can. He will not change that is obvious from the other 99 times that he has not!!!
  • soccer8s
    soccer8s Posts: 331 Member
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    LEAVE....you and YOUR SON deserve better than this!!!! 100%

    You are better than this....get out there and do what's best for you and your precious son!!!!

    Your soon to be ex may or may not ever change...but even if he does, who knows how long it will take....go enjoy life with your son and put a smile on that beautiful face!!!

    Head up!!!!! HUGS!!!!
  • nurse_chris
    nurse_chris Posts: 189
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    I was in the same situation, but unfortunately I got married thinking that that would change... The funny thing is I would be the first person to tell my friends in the same situation to walk...... Anyway, we weren't married two years and me going back to school was the final straw.

    It will be hard initially, but you will save yourself a lot of tears and excuses to your child if you just cut all your strings now.

    Good luck, and i know any advice is so much easier said then done!
  • KarmaxKitty
    KarmaxKitty Posts: 901 Member
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    Leave. The longer you stay the more your son may come to think that his behavior is okay. If this was happening to someone you cared about, what would you tell them. It's time for the jerk to go. Don't ever let anyone disrespect you OR your son!

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