Break up or make up?
Replies
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definitely leave him, if he did like this 100 times then by next x-mas it'll be 300 times because he would know thatt no matter what he does , you always forgive him so it wont matter to him what he actually does , its you who have to make the rite decision and find a better life for yourself and your son. Good luck0
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honestly? he sounds immature. it might be better for you and your son to be away from him. if you love him, you have to tell him be needs to grow up before you will be with him. you have to stick to your guns though.0
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Believe it or not, there are relationships in existence where constant belittling and disrespect is not the norm. My ex is a douche and a half but even he never did any of that crap to me, yet I am so glad I'm not with him anymore.
My parents stayed together, for the kids and for their religion. I get along with them fine now but I will tell your right now that as a kid it was awful to be around parents that were constantly fighting and a dad that was always storming around. And my dad was 45 when he had me, not 22.
Change is this grand myth that we all seem to get wrapped up in. I agree that people can change, here and there, but it is slow and gradual, it has to be desperately desired, and there are some things that are more difficult to change than others. It's not that hard to, say, change your eating habits and preferences. That's something most of us MFPers are pretty familiar with. It is very hard to change the fundamental ways in which we relate to other people, and it rarely happens.
Abusers usually remain abusers. Liars stay liars. Doormats are doormats til the day they die. People make slight improvements but they remain essentially the same (for example, I am shy. I have forced myself to be more outgoing over the years, but I am still an introvert, end of story).
So do I think you should leave? Yes, though I can't make you.0 -
It has been said by man- men and women alike and you are saying it yourself. It is time to pack up, leave, and move on forward. He is not a good role model for your son and there are guys out there who will give you a lot more respect than he has done - and will do.0
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You let him off with his bad behaviour 100 times in the past, he can treat you however badle he wants then just say sorry and everything's ok. Why should he change, Christmas day , what does he do? Enjoy his babies' first Christmas, make the mother of his child, his fiancé, feel loved and special? NO, he kicks his little family out to make room for his mates, gets drunk while playing games then calls his "loved one" up and doles out a load of abuse and blame.
Tell me, what's to love about this "man"?
Wake up and smell the coffee love, he doesn't love you! When you experience a mans love you will recognise this. Get out before he has the chance to teach your son how to badly treat a woman!0 -
Warning: tough love ahead....
Been there. All I can say is you will never leave him until YOU decide to leave him. We can all give you plenty of really sound advice, but unless you're willing to be strong and brave for you and your child, you will stay in the situation you are in.
You already know the reasons why you should leave. You already know that things will not get better and in fact they will get worse.
If you want to have a good, happy life... then you must create it.
I left when my daughter was 1 month old, and I made something of myself. 3 1/2 years later we are better without him around.
Unless you thrive on drama, it is time to grow up and make a big change in your life.
Wishing you the best.... and sending you tons of strength. This is not easy and it won't be easy for a while...BUT when you do get over him OMG life will be GOOOOOOOOD
xoxox0 -
I'm a firm believer that families should stay together but there is no one that deserves to be treated like crap! I have been in that situation a cpl of diff. times and I stayed for years thinking that they would change or my love would change them. In the end I was the only one who suffered and wasted all those years of my life being miserable. The choice is yours but don't spend your life in misery we can never get back lost time. Best wishes to you and your son!0
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Talk to some people who know both of you, and be more specific about how he "basically" kicked you out so he could hang out with his friend. I think there are some huge pieces of the puzzle that you haven't disclosed because you wanted to get a particular response.
If you want to leave, then leave - you don't need the opinion of people on the internet who know nothing about your situation.0 -
Where does this "people don't change" statement come from? People change...all the time. I change and grow every year.
I think people need to want to change though.
There is a difference between accepting his apology and hoping he will change and being proactive about dealing with the issues. Again, I say seek couples counseling for the sake of making things work for your son. If he does not want to work on the relationship then that is a different story.
Children grow up, and their behaviour changes ... yes, people change and grow .. over time. People don't wake up one day and turn from being a selfish egotistical abusive idiot to a loving and nurturing parent...just because a baby pops into the picture. THAT is so often a problem with unplanned pregnancies. Young couples sometimes have no idea what they are getting in to.
Miraculous behavioural changes are rare .. and often short lived. This guy, that our OP is talking about is obvious too immature to understand the concepts of 'family' and appropriate behaviour...or at least care about it enough to modify his behavior. Some day, maybe .. he might make some life changes .. but, I wouldn't advise our OP to hold her breath. With an infant involved, a uncommitted parent is going to cause a lot of drama and emotional turmoil. It's time to do some damage control.0 -
As someone that left an extremely abusive relationship that was emotional and verbal abuse, not physical, I can honestly say that this is terrible advice. Getting physically hit would have been no less abusive than the way that my ex husband broke me down to the point that I couldn't even speak without his permission. It has taken me over 10 years to get most of my self confidence back and now I am with someone that truly appreciates me and encourages me to speak out.As long as he is not hitting you or the baby I would say try to work together to a solution.
Abuse is a fundamental betrayal of trust. There is no reason to stay in a relationship like that, especially with a young child.
I agree .. Emotional, verbal and even financial abuse or control is just as devastating as physical abuse. It can leave wounds and scars that will last a lifetime. I would NEVER advise anyone (especially someone THIS young) to stay in a relationship as long as their is no physical abuse. THAT in itself is horrible advise!0 -
Ok, this thread is a perfect example of why the divorce rate is so high.
1st off let me say the obvious - this is why having children at such an early age is so hard. (my daughter is 23 with a 1yr old and is having some of the same issues and this it what I've said to her),
Relationship themselves are hard...now throw a baby in there and it gets harder 10 folds. Relationship are a team thing. Both sides have to work at it. Get some counseling if he'll agree. Men can change, they just have to want to. I changed so I know it's possible.
As long as he is not hitting you or the baby I would say try to work together to a solution. If he gets in front of a 3rd party they may be able to talk to him. They may say the same things you are but coming from somebody else it may get thru.
You have to do everything you can to give that baby a stable home with a good mom and a good dad. After you have tried everything and things don't change or get better you may have no choice but to move on. But for the babies sake...try everything and try HARD.
What are you talking about? Divorce rates are so high because people marry without getting to know their partner, and have a unrealistic ideal that 'they will change'. When, the fantasy starts to wain and reality sets in.. then it's divorce time.
Our OP already knows what kind of 'man' he is .. if she married him .. chances are she will be one of those statistics.0 -
Where does this "people don't change" statement come from? People change...all the time. I change and grow every year.
I think people need to want to change though.
There is a difference between accepting his apology and hoping he will change and being proactive about dealing with the issues. Again, I say seek couples counseling for the sake of making things work for your son. If he does not want to work on the relationship then that is a different story.
Children grow up, and their behaviour changes ... yes, people change and grow .. over time. People don't wake up one day and turn from being a selfish egotistical abusive idiot to a loving and nurturing parent...just because a baby pops into the picture. THAT is so often a problem with unplanned pregnancies. Young couples sometimes have no idea what they are getting in to.
Miraculous behavioural changes are rare .. and often short lived. This guy, that our OP is talking about is obvious too immature to understand the concepts of 'family' and appropriate behaviour...or at least care about it enough to modify his behavior. Some day, maybe .. he might make some life changes .. but, I wouldn't advise our OP to hold her breath. With an infant involved, a uncommitted parent is going to cause a lot of drama and emotional turmoil. It's time to do some damage control.
I said nothing about miraculous behavioural changes. I was talking about being proactive about creating change in their relationship.0 -
Where does this "people don't change" statement come from? People change...all the time. I change and grow every year.
I think people need to want to change though.
There is a difference between accepting his apology and hoping he will change and being proactive about dealing with the issues. Again, I say seek couples counseling for the sake of making things work for your son. If he does not want to work on the relationship then that is a different story.
Children grow up, and their behaviour changes ... yes, people change and grow .. over time. People don't wake up one day and turn from being a selfish egotistical abusive idiot to a loving and nurturing parent...just because a baby pops into the picture. THAT is so often a problem with unplanned pregnancies. Young couples sometimes have no idea what they are getting in to.
Miraculous behavioural changes are rare .. and often short lived. This guy, that our OP is talking about is obvious too immature to understand the concepts of 'family' and appropriate behaviour...or at least care about it enough to modify his behavior. Some day, maybe .. he might make some life changes .. but, I wouldn't advise our OP to hold her breath. With an infant involved, a uncommitted parent is going to cause a lot of drama and emotional turmoil. It's time to do some damage control.
I said nothing about miraculous behavioural changes. I was talking about being proactive about creating change in their relationship.
possible... only when both parties are interested in doing so...
ANYWAYS...not sure if the back and forth is helpful for the OP....0 -
Leave! It will only get worse with time. He will see you are letting him walk all over you. And you don't want your son growing up thinking it is okay to treat a woman or his family that way. It is a vicious cycle.0
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I had a relationship like this....same age too....he never changed and became abusive..... Finally left and met the nicest boy ever...you just gotta leave first!0
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Where does this "people don't change" statement come from? People change...all the time. I change and grow every year.
I think people need to want to change though.
There is a difference between accepting his apology and hoping he will change and being proactive about dealing with the issues. Again, I say seek couples counseling for the sake of making things work for your son. If he does not want to work on the relationship then that is a different story.
Children grow up, and their behaviour changes ... yes, people change and grow .. over time. People don't wake up one day and
turn from being a selfish egotistical abusive idiot to a loving and nurturing parent...just because a baby pops into the picture. THAT is so often a problem with unplanned pregnancies. Young couples sometimes have no idea what they are getting in to.
Miraculous behavioural changes are rare .. and often short lived. This guy, that our OP is talking about is obvious too immature to understand the concepts of 'family' and appropriate behaviour...or at least care about it enough to modify his behavior. Some day, maybe .. he might make some life changes .. but, I wouldn't advise our OP to hold her breath. With an infant involved, a
uncommitted parent is going to cause a lot of drama and emotional turmoil. It's time to do some damage control.
I said nothing about miraculous behavioural changes. I was talking about being proactive about creating change in their relationship.
You said "people change all the time" .. And I agreed, but further pointed out that "miraculous" changes are often shallow and short
lived. It happens .. But rarely.
As we mature and grow we transform into the people we are supposed to be. Each of us unique. Mostly due to natural tendancies, but we are also influenced by our environment. We as children Learn from those around us. We are uniquely affected by many factors. One being how 'happy' we are. If we are not happy we tend to act in a certain way ... Contrary to how would act if we are happy.0 -
R U N!!! And don't ever look back.
He's not going to change. Don't put your son in a situation where this behaviour is what he will witness all his life.0 -
I have 3 suggestions for you.
1. Pack up
2. Leave
3. Never look back
This ^^
It's no longer about you anymore, sweetie. It's about you and your son.
ITS ABOUT YOUR SON.
I wish any strength I had I was able to give to you. Leaving someone is hard. Especially when there is a child involved. I've been there. The way he is acting right now will only get worse. You are so beautiful and your son is adorable. Take care of you! As soon as you start doing that you'll be the best mother you can be. It took me way too long to leave my daughters father. I kept thinking "This time he really will change." or "I know he is a jerk but he loves me". Now I think of my thought process and I am so disguested with myself. How could I have done that to my daughter?! To myself?! You deserve the best. Someone who loves you and cherishes both you and your son.
All I can say is right now will probably be the best it will ever be. People who have that mentallity can change, but is it worth it to wait and put your son thru that?0 -
Get out of it.
Staying in a relationship with this guy is going to be toxic for you and your son. He sounds like an overgrown teenage boy to me, so do what you need to do and take care of your son. If he decides to grow up and not be a turdmonkey to his son, let him be a part of his life, but you gotta do what you gotta do now. Don't be afraid. Ask your family for help for a little bit until you get on your feet, work hard, and make a good life for you and your son. You can do it. I grew up the daughter of a hardworking single mother. She worked 2-3 jobs for years to keep food on the table, but we made it.
Don't worry about finding another man right now. Focus on the one you're raising.
Good luck to you!0 -
What you see is what you get. You can't count on someone changing. If he makes a positive change in the future, reconsider it then. Right now you seem to know what's best for you and your son. Trust your instincts. If you need support, I'm happy to lend an ear and I'm sure there are many people here you can reach out to.0
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Sounds toxic. I had a long relationship similar and while it was the hardest thing to do to leave, it was also the best decision in the end. Good Luck!0
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As someone who is coming out of a 10 year "mistake" because of a pregnancy that occurred during our engagement (miscarried). Looking back it was my sign to leave. Leave run. I sign my divorce decree March 2nd, and I can never get those 10 years I lost.
The good thing though? I'm happy and all three of our sons know it. That in itself makes the divorce worth it. You can't live your life like that.0 -
Take it from someone who spent too many years in an abusive marriage "for the sake of the children" - RUN the other way as fast as you can. It will never get any better - no matter how many promises he makes. There are nice guys out there who would treat you like a princess. I know this because I have been married to one of these gems for 16 years. A big change from the crazy person I was married to before. Give your son a better future. You do not want him to grow up thinking it is alright to mistreat women because that is the way "Daddy does it".0
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from what i read.. you already made your decision.
just be there for your son and make him and yourself a priority.
and just remember... actions speak louder than words. Do what you need to do for yourself.
Hope things work out for you.0 -
I am not a professional. I am a wife, a woman and a Mom with lots of life experience. I agree with all the others...I would leave and stay with your Mother as long as you can. Get back in school (if you aren't already), do all kinds of things to support a healthy and HAPPY life for yourself so you can be the best Mom you can be. I KNOW that is is so very hard to leave BUT please trust me when I say that you have the power to make your life wonderful RIGHT NOW. *Get a good therapist and go see them every week* if you can't afford one try to find reduced cost therapy or free therapy. One day you will either be happy that you took advice from people that have been there or you will wish you had.0
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Break up or make up? I say neither. Definitely get out of the same house.
Get counselling
1. for yourself to help you learn how valuable you are
2. as a couple because you'll need it whether you get back together or not (because you'll always have your son together)
Then decide.
Blessings,
Laura0 -
You've gotten excellent feedback in answer to your question! I believe you already knew what you need to do and want confirmation that you are not a bad person for doing it. You are strong and your instinct that you should leave is a good instinct. Trust yourself and take action immediately. Good luck to you!
With all the threads and posts on MFP, yours is one I came back to to check in on you! Please get help and support and get the heck away from your baby's dad in order to begin a more emotionally healthy, satisfying and SAFE existence for you and your beautiful baby.. The relationship you described is abusive and troubled. Life need not be that way. You're young, get out and control your life. Move towards happiness, safety and a better reality. Move forward one step at a time, but move:-)0 -
Im sorry you have to deal with this , momma. None of us know the particulars of your relationship, besides what you have written, but if you are truly unhappy, you should leave. Hoping someone will change doesn't change them. Perhaps you could move in with your parents, or someone who cares about you and your son, and if you still want him in your lives, you could try counseling.
You need to thinking of your son, first and foremost. Staying in that toxic environment could cause him to grow up thinking that you are supposed to treat the woman you love like that. Where do you think abusive people learn that behavior? Stop the cycle NOW. If he really wants a family, he will grow up and make the change.
I really do wish you both well.0 -
:flowerforyou: I understand wanting to try your best to work things out when there is a child involved. However, in some situations it will be 100 times worse for the child than if you were to separate. I think this is that situation. Children as young as yours FEEL what is going on around them and it affects them more than you probably realize. Get you and your baby out of that relationship and that environment. Good luck.0
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If you were my daughter, I would step in and tell you to take your son and come and live with me. It will never change.
Your son will grow up believing that it is okay for a man to treat a woman like that.0
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