Married but feels like a single mom
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LEAVE HIM!!!
Can't quite believe the responses of 'if you can work out he gets his favourite meal' - he is nothing short of a w^*%er!!!
Exactly - doing just this (and the other relative things) only ENABLES him to continue with his rediculousness...
It takes TWO PEOPLE to make THREE - and that third is the first child, and that child is a responsibility for BOTH parents, plain and simple.0 -
a question for you: Why are you giving in? Your needs are no less important than his, but that isn't the way things go down in your house. Why? Are you avoiding his being mad at you? What can you do to change that?
Everyone has needs. Yours are every bit as important as his. This is something you need to focus on and stand up for yourself!
I understand the feeling because I am the type myself.0 -
To all those that suggest to "leave him" I took a vow almost 6 years ago and I stand by those vows. I don't take the easy way out like a lot of people these days do. Married is supposed to be forever, not just while things are good. If he were to become physically abusive to me or to the boys, then I'd leave him but that is not the type of man he is. I don't worry about him harming our kids, just not having enough patience with them. When I married him, he wasn't selfish. It only came about after we had our first. After about 2 years of having to put things he wanted on hold because our son needed something, he'd had enough. He stopped talking to and hanging out with our married friends that had kids because he didn't want to see how he should be. He started hanging out with younger, single friends that have no responsibility to anyone but themselves. I know this isn't how he truly is. I know he can be a different man but he doesn't seem to want to that right now.
I don't know why I give in to him, other than it is a more peaceful house when he is happy. I am going to find a way to better manage my time so that I can fit in my workouts, mommy duties, working from home and doing all the other things that around the house that the wife is "supposed" to do. I'm hoping that once he sees that I can do it without him, that maybe that will open up his eyes. If it doesn't, well, it just made me a stronger woman and mom. And a healthier one at that. :happy:
Thanks again to all the supportive comments.:bigsmile:0 -
To all those that suggest to "leave him" I took a vow almost 6 years ago and I stand by those vows. I don't take the easy way out like a lot of people these days do. Married is supposed to be forever, not just while things are good. If he were to become physically abusive to me or to the boys, then I'd leave him but that is not the type of man he is. I don't worry about him harming our kids, just not having enough patience with them. When I married him, he wasn't selfish. It only came about after we had our first. After about 2 years of having to put things he wanted on hold because our son needed something, he'd had enough. He stopped talking to and hanging out with our married friends that had kids because he didn't want to see how he should be. He started hanging out with younger, single friends that have no responsibility to anyone but themselves. I know this isn't how he truly is. I know he can be a different man but he doesn't seem to want to that right now.
I don't know why I give in to him, other than it is a more peaceful house when he is happy. I am going to find a way to better manage my time so that I can fit in my workouts, mommy duties, working from home and doing all the other things that around the house that the wife is "supposed" to do. I'm hoping that once he sees that I can do it without him, that maybe that will open up his eyes. If it doesn't, well, it just made me a stronger woman and mom. And a healthier one at that. :happy:
Thanks again to all the supportive comments.:bigsmile:
I understand you took a vow, but you took a vow to a much different man. If he is not fulfilling your needs and your children's needs, you need to consider what is best for you all! I don't support divorce as the first option at all but if he won't change then you must change.
"It is a more peaceful house when he's happy"? That sounds like something a woman who is controlled by a man says, and she believes it is her fault when he isn't happy, even when it isn't. You shouldn't have to tip-toe around him to avoid rocking the boat. People like that don't really change. It is very hard for someone with abusive tendencies to change.
Please read this: http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168
I wish you the best of luck. Please consider talking to someone about this, or calling a hotline and just having a talk with someone.0 -
I am going to find a way to better manage my time so that I can fit in my workouts, mommy duties, working from home and doing all the other things that around the house that the wife is "supposed" to do.
wow.....0 -
I couldn't figure out how to edit my post. For some reason, the button is gone!
But I just noticed that you said that you are afraid your husband will become impatient with your children. That's possibly another sign pointing to a possible emotional abuse situation. Everyone gets a little impatient. When it is chronic, it's a problem.
Some signs of emotional abuse:
Do you feel that you can't discuss with your partner what is bothering you?
Does your partner frequently criticize you, humiliate you, or undermine your self-esteem?
Does your partner ridicule you for expressing yourself?
Does your partner try to isolate you from friends, family or groups?
Does your partner limit your access to work or material resources?
Has your partner ever stolen from you? Or run up debts for you to handle?
Does your relationship swing back and forth between a lot of emotional distance (clammed up) and being very close?
Do you sometimes feel trapped in the relationship?
Has your partner ever thrown away or destroyed things that belonged to you?
Are you afraid of your partner?0 -
Didn't mean to post - was contemplating something and hit the wrong button.0
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To all those that suggest to "leave him" I took a vow almost 6 years ago and I stand by those vows. I don't take the easy way out like a lot of people these days do. Married is supposed to be forever, not just while things are good. If he were to become physically abusive to me or to the boys, then I'd leave him but that is not the type of man he is. I don't worry about him harming our kids, just not having enough patience with them. When I married him, he wasn't selfish. It only came about after we had our first. After about 2 years of having to put things he wanted on hold because our son needed something, he'd had enough. He stopped talking to and hanging out with our married friends that had kids because he didn't want to see how he should be. He started hanging out with younger, single friends that have no responsibility to anyone but themselves. I know this isn't how he truly is. I know he can be a different man but he doesn't seem to want to that right now.
I don't know why I give in to him, other than it is a more peaceful house when he is happy. I am going to find a way to better manage my time so that I can fit in my workouts, mommy duties, working from home and doing all the other things that around the house that the wife is "supposed" to do. I'm hoping that once he sees that I can do it without him, that maybe that will open up his eyes. If it doesn't, well, it just made me a stronger woman and mom. And a healthier one at that. :happy:
Thanks again to all the supportive comments.:bigsmile:
It's called emotional abuse girlfriend.
Sorry for my forthrightness - but I speak the truth.
Hanging with his single mates - won't be long before he's off doing whatever he wants totally - if you know what I mean.0 -
To all those that suggest to "leave him" I took a vow almost 6 years ago and I stand by those vows. I don't take the easy way out like a lot of people these days do. Married is supposed to be forever, not just while things are good. If he were to become physically abusive to me or to the boys, then I'd leave him but that is not the type of man he is. I don't worry about him harming our kids, just not having enough patience with them. When I married him, he wasn't selfish. It only came about after we had our first. After about 2 years of having to put things he wanted on hold because our son needed something, he'd had enough. He stopped talking to and hanging out with our married friends that had kids because he didn't want to see how he should be. He started hanging out with younger, single friends that have no responsibility to anyone but themselves. I know this isn't how he truly is. I know he can be a different man but he doesn't seem to want to that right now.
I don't know why I give in to him, other than it is a more peaceful house when he is happy. I am going to find a way to better manage my time so that I can fit in my workouts, mommy duties, working from home and doing all the other things that around the house that the wife is "supposed" to do. I'm hoping that once he sees that I can do it without him, that maybe that will open up his eyes. If it doesn't, well, it just made me a stronger woman and mom. And a healthier one at that. :happy:
Thanks again to all the supportive comments.:bigsmile:
I agree .. to a point. I've been married for 35 yrs. And I could compare stories quite easily. Some memories are extremely 'up' and some extremely 'down'. Evedently, that is perfectly normal. My hubby and I have been through hell and back over the years, and somehow managed to get to where we are today .. total bliss. We were very young when we married .. right out of high school. When we took our vows, we meant it, because we were soooo in love. Although we meant what we vowed .. THAT was not why we stayed together. LOVE was. Love was the only thing that survived the test of time .. not our vow.0 -
It sounds like things are pretty bad. To be honest it sounds like he has serious issues, I would consider moving on if he does not change. He could be a control freak and what he is doing is a form of abuse by laying all the work on you and you having to always "rescue" the boys. If you want a friend or want advice I would love to help you. Feel free to email me anytime.0
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Wow. Reading your post was like reading a diary entry from my married life.
I lived this for 3 years although I worked out of the home. I at least had the 'break' of leaving the house and having my own lunch hours to do what I wanted to do. I can't imagine how you are doing this. My heart goes out to you.
I'll tell you this. I've been divorced for a year now and I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm a single mom, homeowner and completely in control of the decisions I make every day. There is no excuse to live in this manner. I stayed in my marriage longer than I should have because I didn't want to 'break up the family'. I felt trapped in a house that wasn't my home; a life that wasn't up to me. I could feel the depression starting to take hold and I saw myself, years later, a shell of my former self- no spirit left to give to my child. I honestly believe that had I stayed I would have been in danger of serious mental illness. I thought I was doing what I had to do since there was a child involved. When I realized one day that it would break my heart if my son grew up to be like his father, I knew I had to leave. And I did. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life and it was excruciating.
My advice to you now would be to rally your support system around you. You will need them as you move forward.
Good luck.0 -
I have a hard enough time trying to find time to work... which is usually 4-7 am, during my 2 year-olds nap and after the boys go to bed. When am I supposed to take time to exercise? He tells me to just do it, but then when I ask him to stay inside so I can, I get a deep sigh from him, then I hear him yelling at the boys. So, then I stop my workout to "rescue" the boys. I know he is doing it on purpose cuz he knows I'll stop but I don't feel that it is right for me to put my boys through that just so I can get 30 mins of time in for myself.
Heres what I got from this,and you are not going to ike it. He watches the kids so you can go exercise but have to stop to "rescue" the kids from him yelling. Have you ever thought that you coming in undermines him just a litttle? Not everyone parents the same,and if hes not beating the kids but disiplineing them in his own way there is no reason to rescue them. If every time I was watching my kids my SO felt the need to come rescue them I wouldnt feel an overwhelming desire to help out as well,and yeah you would probobly get the deep sigh from me as well,because I would know where this would end up.0 -
Kick the useless husband up the *kitten*? I would blow my top if my husband did nothing around the house or with the children. They are his children too, and while he is at home, he should do half the work.
My husband is taking a job the other side of the country in a few weeks, so I really will be doing it all on my own and am not looking forward to it. But when he is home, he will still be doing his bit. You both made the children, and you should have equal responsibility for them.0 -
You're allowing this to happen. You need to talk to your husband and set some ground rules. A marriage is a partnership. It's not a slave/master relationship. And, if he can't buy into it, you may need to dump him. No man is worth the hassle. Hey, if you're going to be a single mother, you may as well be single.0
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Yes, get some ear plugs or head set and do your exercises. Your kids will be fine.Anyone else out there feel the same way? I have 2 boys; 5 (almost 6) and just 2. And a husband who is so completely selfish that I get no time for myself. I feel like I am doing all this on my own... All the housework, taking care of the boys, finding time to work from home, all the things that hubby should be able to do for himself but expects me to do it... like answering the door when he is right there and I am helping our 2 year-old eat...
I have a hard enough time trying to find time to work... which is usually 4-7 am, during my 2 year-olds nap and after the boys go to bed. When am I supposed to take time to exercise? He tells me to just do it, but then when I ask him to stay inside so I can, I get a deep sigh from him, then I hear him yelling at the boys. So, then I stop my workout to "rescue" the boys. I know he is doing it on purpose cuz he knows I'll stop but I don't feel that it is right for me to put my boys through that just so I can get 30 mins of time in for myself.
Anyone have any suggestions?
And once you get fit, maybe it might be time to see about some alternatives to Mr Wrong if he can't shape up his attitude.0 -
Talk to your husband about it, let him know exactly what kind of pressure you're feeling. If he can't see that he should man up and take some of the load, then maybe it's time to go your separate ways. I know it's probably not as simple as that, but that's how I see it.0
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I'm not sure if this has already been suggested, but you may consider counseling. Even if he won't go with you at first, you can talk it out with a professional who can give you suggestions of ways to talk with him about this. Eventually, he may come in for a session with you and that would be wonderful.
I've been in counseling for a year (eating issues, not husband issues), but sometimes I talk to her about frustrations in our marriage and she helps me talk out exactly what I am thinking so I am prepared when it comes time to talk to my husband about it. It's really helped make our discussions more productive and he appreciates I'm not just sitting there crying with nothing to say, but that I know exactly how I"m feeling and what I want to say.
Just my two cents, though. I know counseling has a negative connotation, but it's helped me in more than 1 area of my life and I'm not a crazy person
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I have a hard enough time trying to find time to work... which is usually 4-7 am, during my 2 year-olds nap and after the boys go to bed. When am I supposed to take time to exercise? He tells me to just do it, but then when I ask him to stay inside so I can, I get a deep sigh from him, then I hear him yelling at the boys. So, then I stop my workout to "rescue" the boys. I know he is doing it on purpose cuz he knows I'll stop but I don't feel that it is right for me to put my boys through that just so I can get 30 mins of time in for myself.
Heres what I got from this,and you are not going to ike it. He watches the kids so you can go exercise but have to stop to "rescue" the kids from him yelling. Have you ever thought that you coming in undermines him just a litttle? Not everyone parents the same,and if hes not beating the kids but disiplineing them in his own way there is no reason to rescue them. If every time I was watching my kids my SO felt the need to come rescue them I wouldnt feel an overwhelming desire to help out as well,and yeah you would probobly get the deep sigh from me as well,because I would know where this would end up.
I love it when somebody tells the truth...^^^^^^This^^^^^ he has the magic wand and it's not his penis it's control! Turn the tables on him.....0 -
I think it is an important part of a successful relationship to stick up for yourself. Everyone will let things slide if they are allowed to. I wouldn't get up to do the school run if my husband offered to do it every day. No one wants extra work, but you just have to stand up for yourself and say no, you aren't doing it all, he has the responsibility to do half, and he WILL do it. Because you won't.0
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Yes, I do have a suggestion. Ask for help!
Tell your husband that you need his help. You can't assume that he already knows that....while it should be obvious that you do.... if you don't speak up and say, 'Hon, can you get the door. I'm feeding the baby,' then you can't resent him. You can't hold someone responsible for something that they don't know they are doing 'wrong'. You need to speak up. Speak-up!
When it comes to your personal time.... is it possible to hire help? A baby-sitter a couple of hours a day? You need a break and you should plan on one.... and exercise is a fantastic way to relax.... or read or take a bubble bath....but for those 2 hours.... it is just you. You are not 'mommy' and you are not 'Mrs'.
I wish you the best. Know that a lot of women are in your predicament. Know also that your husband just needs to hear what you want. Tell him what you want need and I hate to tell you this.... but everyday and in every situation. I know! Exhausting! Oh, and try not to nag while you're asking for help. 'For Pete's sake! Can't you see that I am busy feeding the baby!? Why can't you open the door!? Why do I have to do EVERYTHING around here!? The housework and doing YOUR things....' Sound familiar? Step back and treat him like a partner, not another one of your boys.
This is wonderful advice.. however, I don't think OP should need to hire a babysitter so she can have "me time" when her husband is there to watch the kids! Also to OP, is this the only time he yells at the kids? They could always just go play outside or in their rooms during the time you are working out.0
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