Depression - This is my story and this is why I am here
j4nash
Posts: 1,719 Member
This journey, if that’s the appropriate word for it, started August 31st with a simple phone call. The phone call, quite common with us, came from my wife. Things were difficult between us. She was a partier and due to health reasons I chose not to drink. Back in 2009 I was admitted to the hospital for a condition called atrial fibrillation. Luckily the condition is not life threatening for someone my age but I know that health factors caused it to occur and chose not to drink as it was a trigger. I was around 300 pounds at that point and didn’t include working out as a part of my daily routine. We fought a lot, as most couples do, and things were definitely on the downhill slope with our marriage. The call, routine as it seemed, would change my life forever. I’m sure she had been mulling this for a while but at 11:15am that day she asked me for a divorce. She had mentioned it before but I knew her well enough that this time she actually meant it. That day was quite possibly one of the most difficult days of my life. I had committed to a lifelong marriage, through thick and thin, but it takes two to make that commitment and she didn’t want it.
About the same time our family noticed something wasn’t quite right with my Mom. She had lapses in memory and would often tell the same story over and over again. She would often refer to previous events in her life, dating back to her childhood; something that she had never really talked about with her children. We realized about a month prior to my wife asking for a divorce that she was stricken with Alzheimer’s. Unfortunately Alzheimer’s, if you’ve never been through it before, is an incurable and devastating disease. I remember asking my wife, as she walked up the stairs, to please not leave as I knew things were on the rocks and that my life was going to be extremely difficult over the next few years and I needed her as support as my family life was about to crumble. Unfortunately, as stated earlier, that did not happen and I was forced to deal with two major, life altering, events. I managed pretty well in the beginning, partially because I was in denial. I started doing Crossfit and working out to try to get my mind off of things. This lasted about three months until another relationship that I had started faltered and at this point life had became so hectic that I stopped working out. I was in Chicago, Monday thru Friday, for about four and a half months in the beginning of the year last year. I should have continued working out but the travel schedule and work got the best of me. Fast-forward to May and I had gained all the weight I had lost during the few months of doing Crossfit and now weighed in around 305lbs.
June is when things started to get really bad with my Mom. Hearing stories about how she threw a wine bottle at my Dad and couldn’t figure out how to tie her shoe laces really made a crushing impact on my emotional health. My parents have always been the rock in my life and the people that I could always count on. I had lost this in addition to my wife in what seemed like overnight. The tailspin of my life started about this point and is the reason why I am here now.
I then lost a friend in July. She was married to my best friend and they went through a divorce at a similar time that I did. She was with him for over ten years and was a friend of mine for about the same amount of time. She stopped eating, often only consuming one or two hundred calories a day in addition to being an alcoholic for over a year. The depression, along with her terrible eating habits cost her life. The sad thing is; I could understand why she made those choices. Unfortunately we stopped talking after they divorced and it is the one thing I regret in life the most.
I sold the house that my ex-wife and I lived at in August. I was trying to find something to get my life back on track and get back the feeling of caring that I had lost almost a year prior. It is difficult to state how depression can really affect an individual but I knew it was affecting me and I didn’t know what to do. I was latching on to anything that would make me happy and would be crushed when it didn’t work out. I found myself drinking quite a bit once I moved into my apartment, sometimes on a daily basis. IThis wasn’t something that was healthy for me but it was an escape. I never thought in my life I would be in this situation but here I was. I also work from home so there would be weeks where I wouldn’t leave my apartment for days. I would recluse in my apartment, often shutting out friends, trying not to deal with what was in front of me. I ordered take-out on a daily basis and was consuming thousands of calories on a daily basis. Food was another escape. I was admitted to the ER about two months ago after a long “Sunday Funday” for throwing up blood. This was a major wake-up call for me but the negative behavior still occurred, although on a much smaller scale. I had had stints of trying to work-out but always faltered because I didn’t have the complete package to make things work.
The real change occurred when my sister moved in with me for about a month. This was in mid-November. She saw the things that I was doing to myself and did the simple things to show that she cared. The small things, no matter how insignificant they seemed, made a huge impact on me and I began searching for the things necessary to make a major life change. Here I was, life starting me in the face, asking me what I was going to do with everything that had been put in front of me. I had two choices, continue the bad behavior or give life a bit FU and grab it by the horns and do the things necessary to life a healthy and happy life, despite everything that had and was occurring.
I am going to lose my Mom. This is a given. She is at the point now where she cannot make complete sentences and often doesn’t know who we are. I hate who I have become. I hate how much I weigh. I hate the things that I have done to myself and I’m angry. I’m using this anger and frustration as fuel to working out, to make myself healthier and to tackle life’s obstacles put in front of me. I’ve made commitments to working out and eating healthy before but this time it’s different. This time I’m not doing it for all the normal reasons. I’m doing it for me, my parents, my family and my health and my future. I’ve found the tools necessary, MFP being one of them, to be successful. I am making all the positive life changes that I know how and refuse to go back to where I was. I never want to go back. I know I’m stronger than that.
So if you’ve made it this far, add me as a friend. I wish you all the best of luck in your journey. Here’s to happiness and to never letting life drag you down.
About the same time our family noticed something wasn’t quite right with my Mom. She had lapses in memory and would often tell the same story over and over again. She would often refer to previous events in her life, dating back to her childhood; something that she had never really talked about with her children. We realized about a month prior to my wife asking for a divorce that she was stricken with Alzheimer’s. Unfortunately Alzheimer’s, if you’ve never been through it before, is an incurable and devastating disease. I remember asking my wife, as she walked up the stairs, to please not leave as I knew things were on the rocks and that my life was going to be extremely difficult over the next few years and I needed her as support as my family life was about to crumble. Unfortunately, as stated earlier, that did not happen and I was forced to deal with two major, life altering, events. I managed pretty well in the beginning, partially because I was in denial. I started doing Crossfit and working out to try to get my mind off of things. This lasted about three months until another relationship that I had started faltered and at this point life had became so hectic that I stopped working out. I was in Chicago, Monday thru Friday, for about four and a half months in the beginning of the year last year. I should have continued working out but the travel schedule and work got the best of me. Fast-forward to May and I had gained all the weight I had lost during the few months of doing Crossfit and now weighed in around 305lbs.
June is when things started to get really bad with my Mom. Hearing stories about how she threw a wine bottle at my Dad and couldn’t figure out how to tie her shoe laces really made a crushing impact on my emotional health. My parents have always been the rock in my life and the people that I could always count on. I had lost this in addition to my wife in what seemed like overnight. The tailspin of my life started about this point and is the reason why I am here now.
I then lost a friend in July. She was married to my best friend and they went through a divorce at a similar time that I did. She was with him for over ten years and was a friend of mine for about the same amount of time. She stopped eating, often only consuming one or two hundred calories a day in addition to being an alcoholic for over a year. The depression, along with her terrible eating habits cost her life. The sad thing is; I could understand why she made those choices. Unfortunately we stopped talking after they divorced and it is the one thing I regret in life the most.
I sold the house that my ex-wife and I lived at in August. I was trying to find something to get my life back on track and get back the feeling of caring that I had lost almost a year prior. It is difficult to state how depression can really affect an individual but I knew it was affecting me and I didn’t know what to do. I was latching on to anything that would make me happy and would be crushed when it didn’t work out. I found myself drinking quite a bit once I moved into my apartment, sometimes on a daily basis. IThis wasn’t something that was healthy for me but it was an escape. I never thought in my life I would be in this situation but here I was. I also work from home so there would be weeks where I wouldn’t leave my apartment for days. I would recluse in my apartment, often shutting out friends, trying not to deal with what was in front of me. I ordered take-out on a daily basis and was consuming thousands of calories on a daily basis. Food was another escape. I was admitted to the ER about two months ago after a long “Sunday Funday” for throwing up blood. This was a major wake-up call for me but the negative behavior still occurred, although on a much smaller scale. I had had stints of trying to work-out but always faltered because I didn’t have the complete package to make things work.
The real change occurred when my sister moved in with me for about a month. This was in mid-November. She saw the things that I was doing to myself and did the simple things to show that she cared. The small things, no matter how insignificant they seemed, made a huge impact on me and I began searching for the things necessary to make a major life change. Here I was, life starting me in the face, asking me what I was going to do with everything that had been put in front of me. I had two choices, continue the bad behavior or give life a bit FU and grab it by the horns and do the things necessary to life a healthy and happy life, despite everything that had and was occurring.
I am going to lose my Mom. This is a given. She is at the point now where she cannot make complete sentences and often doesn’t know who we are. I hate who I have become. I hate how much I weigh. I hate the things that I have done to myself and I’m angry. I’m using this anger and frustration as fuel to working out, to make myself healthier and to tackle life’s obstacles put in front of me. I’ve made commitments to working out and eating healthy before but this time it’s different. This time I’m not doing it for all the normal reasons. I’m doing it for me, my parents, my family and my health and my future. I’ve found the tools necessary, MFP being one of them, to be successful. I am making all the positive life changes that I know how and refuse to go back to where I was. I never want to go back. I know I’m stronger than that.
So if you’ve made it this far, add me as a friend. I wish you all the best of luck in your journey. Here’s to happiness and to never letting life drag you down.
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Replies
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I am so sorry you are going through all this. Feel free to add me. I understand the depression.0
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Thank you so much for sharing your story! I know opening up like that can be tough, but you are working on bettering you and I feel that you did the right thing. This journey us about life as a whole.. I wish you the best of luck and hope to follow you on this new way of living and good things to come. No matter what bad things come your way- Never Give Up!
Take Care0 -
Your story is very moving. It's amazing how much we, as human beings, can take and still manage to put forth an effort to better ourselves and our lives. Good luck on your journey.0
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You have gone through so much. Good for you for not giving up and committing to your new journey .0
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Stay strong, you will make it through this and it will make you a more compassionate, empathetic and tough person! Imagine how you can help change other peoples lives when you can share your story and growth! Good luck!!0
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Sometime the battle with life requires that you stop hunker down and just survive. There are points though, that can allow you to see how to get yourself out, make yourself stronger and then win the war. Each day you choose to make a good decision builds you into a better person. Keep looking forward!0
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You can do this! You get points for trying and I know it will make you feel better. Nothing but time can heal the sadness of loss (through illness, death or divorce) but it is up to you to heal your body.
I am glad you decided to pull yourself up off of the ground.0 -
It is amazing to me - given your struggles - how much strength I read between the lines of your message. I do not know why you have been challenged to this degree or how long your depression over them will last, but I am confident for some reason that you will push through.
I've gone through a few things here recently. The other blessing for me within in your message was that I should never feel sorry for myself - others go through and push through a lot more than I've had to and do so in stunning fashion.
All the Best to you, and I will add you as a friend.
Vickey0 -
Mine asked for a divorce in the parking lot after my work Christmas party dinner about 6 years ago. I haven't been to a Christmas party since. You have a lot on your plate right now my friend, try and take care of yourself.0
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Your story reminds me a lot of my brother, I really wish you the best on your journey
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I'm sorry you have to go through all of this, but so proud of you for reaching for the positive instead of the negative and doing something that will help your health. I have struggle with depression in the past, and it's a horrible place to be in. I also have over 100 lbs to lose. If you want to encourage each other on our journeys, feel free to add me. Good luck!0
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Yes, life can knock us down for sure, but we get up.
Hard times has the same effect that hard training has on a fighter: it reduces him to his fighting weight.
In other words, life's challenges build strength and character.
KEEP PUNCHING!
All Is Possible... 0 -
I am very sorry to hear that you are going through so much negativity right now. I really hope things will become better soon. Feel free to add me if you wish. Best of luck on your journey.0
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Your story is heart wrenching. We all go through tragedy in our lives. It is sad when it is one on top of the other. By your posts, I feel you are ready. Ready for your life change. As am I. I have yo-yo'd dieted all my life. I just have had enough. I am much older than you, and I have a healthy goal set for my 60th birthday next year. Now I am ready. Ready, like you, to make life changes. I have only been here one week tomorrow. Journaling my food choices daily is certainly the way to go. I can't believe what I have been eating. I, too, was literally killing my self one extra calorie at a time. I wish you much luck and success on this, your FINAL weight watch program. One pound at a time. The healthy way to lose. Exercise? I HATE it. But I am still able to walk, so that is my choice. It is better than nothing. Eventually, I hope to add other exercises. I hope you find the right path to help you on your way. Today, for the first time in many, many months, I weighed in fully clothed and was under 220 lbs. That is HUGE! My goal is just 10 lbs at a time. Small steps....slowly. Good luck! And feel free to add me as your friend!!0
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Good luck on your journey!0
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You are so inspiring. I know you can make it.0
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Thanks for sharing your story. It takes a lot of strength and courage to be vulnerable and honest! I will send you a friend request! Good luck and I am glad you're here!0
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That is one of the most moving stories I have read on here. Thank you for sharing something so private and personal with us. It really helps when other people know what you are going through. After surviving a year like you have just had I guarantee that you will have no problem finding the strength to face this journey. You are an amazing man.0
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Thanks for sharing - I'm sure that wasn't easy. Just remember you are resilient and that you are worth taking care of yourself. You will feel both physically and emotionally better which will in turn help you to continue to deal with the cards life deals you. Best of luck.0
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Thanks for sharing. Good luck with your journey!0
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Wow. I applaud you my friend. What an absolute leap of faith, courage and strength. Not only to make the choices you have to make these positive steps in and for your life, family and future but also being able to talk about it here with people who can give you the support you need. You have everything inside of you to make it, you just have to believe in yourself! Much Respect 0
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I suffer from depression as well,after reading what you have endured,it gives me strength to work through some of the issue that I am going through. I have gotten better about eating sugar,that was a major problem for me. I am addicted to food but I am taking it one day at a time.One good thing that I have discovered it that I can blog about my problems; and for me this is a major milestone. Please add me as a friend.0
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You sound like a tough person and I'm glad you are taking control of your life!0
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I really admire you for sharing your story. You are a very strong person, not only for going thru what you are, but for sharing so openly and honestly. Thank you so much, it really touched my heart. I have also been going thru alot over the last 2 years and have had my bouts of depression, and a mom whom i am sure is in the early stages of Alzheimers, but I am also here to get strong not only physically but as a person!. I too have decided to stand up and fight for myself and my life, your story is so inspirational to me. Feel free to add me as a friend.0
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Thank you for the friend requests and the support!
I have started a blog that I will be updating a few times a week to keep everyone up to date w/ my progress.0 -
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. It seems like you've really been through a lot and it shows how much strength you have that you've gotten here. Best of luck in your journey!!!
Please feel free to add me!0 -
You are prave *^▁^* . Feel free to add me0
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How does the saying go . . ."it's not how many times you fall, it's how you pick yourself up"? All of the challenges that you have faced is making you a much stronger person; and it's truely inspiring to see you be so open about your journey. All the best to you; you deserve it.0
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I just started here and your story has inspired me to stay with it!! Thank you so much for sharing and good luck!!0
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Thank you for sharing your story. I've struggled with depression for 25 years. I've tried so many times to lose the weight, and have done it several times, only to gain it back. So, maybe we can get through it this time together. I also lost my grandmother to Alzheimer's and it is a very difficult disease, both for those afflicted and their families. You can do it! Feel free to add me.0
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