Parenting without Yelling
Replies
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with mine it turns into this
Dad- You can't pull away and run across the parking lot.
Son - why?
Dad- because there are cars driving around that could squish you like a bug.
Son - Why can they squish me like a bug?
Dad - Because cars are big and heavy and you are a little boy?
silence for a moment
Son- Why are the cars big and I am a little boy?
Dad- Because cars have to be big so people can fit in them.
Son - Why?
Dad- Just do what I say please.
20 minutes later after shopping and heading back to car son jerks away and runs again.0 -
I know that yelling happens. I'm not going to calmly say "Now, darling, we really shouldn't play in the street"....but there's got to be a better way to get her to pick up her toys LOL
When my kids dont pick up their toys i get a trash bag and tell them ill pick them up but they wont get them back. Especially if its one of their favorites. Then a couple of days later i will give them back and then the next time i keep them for longer and tell them "if u dont start picking them up, Mamas gonna give them to someone who dont have the toys to play with". Its worked wonders with my 6 year old and now my 3 year old is learning it very quickly. Give it a try it can hurt.0 -
When my kids dont pick up their toys i get a trash bag and tell them ill pick them up but they wont get them back. Especially if its one of their favorites. Then a couple of days later i will give them back and then the next time i keep them for longer and tell them "if u dont start picking them up, Mamas gonna give them to someone who dont have the toys to play with". Its worked wonders with my 6 year old and now my 3 year old is learning it very quickly. Give it a try it can hurt.
^^love this!0 -
who says you have to yell all the time?? i think back to my childhood (not that long ago, actually), and my parents didn't yell at my brother and i a lot. but when they did, HOLY MERCIFUL CRAP we knew we were about two seconds away from getting our *kitten* handed to us.0
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And advice on how to do this? I feel like lately all I do is yell at my girl...she's almost 3....and it's not getting me anywhere except crying myself to sleep because I feel like a terrible mommy. LOL
First off, you're not a terrible mommy just because you yell. Most parents do it, and while it's generally not effective, it is normal and you're not scarring her for life.
Find a method of discipline that works for you and that she can understand. For us, the book "1,2,3 Magic!" worked pretty well. After we did it for a few days, my kids understood that if they were misbehaving and I counted to 1, they needed to quit. 2 is their last chance, and 3 means punishment -- usually time-out, but sometimes removal of a toy or a privilege or something else that works for the situation. I still yell from time to time, but it helps me pull back and stop yelling because I know that I have something else that works. Most of the time, when we yell, it's because we're frustrated and don't know what else to do. We feel like we're not being heard, so we just say it louder, when the reality is they heard us the first 50 times, they just chose not to react because they don't know what the consequence will be, and it's more fun to do what they're doing than to listen to us.
That book may not be the method that works for you, but there are lots of other ways to get through to kids. The important thing is to remember that your yelling isn't something you need to feel guilty about. It's something that happens, and it's normal and it's fine. But it's a symptom that YOU are frustrated and unhappy, and that's what needs to be addressed. Find a way to make YOURSELF feel more in control, and the yelling will dissipate along with the frustration.0 -
Parents who yell are not as effective as those who stay calm. And to make it worse, by the time your child is an adolescent, they'll just roll their eyes behind your back and not take you seriously at all. Yelling just shows the child that they have control and can make you lose control.
Go to the site: Total Transformation. It has a parenting program they try to sell (you can ignore that and luckily they don't bother you with heavy marketing), but they have the absolute BEST articles to read for FREE on all parenting issues. You can also sign up for daily (or is it weekly?) emails that give links to helpful articles. I rely on their advice and I am sure you'll learn so much too!
Best of luck!!!0 -
Whenever you feel like yelling take a deep breath. Count to 3.
Get down to your childs level and say "This makes mommy really upset. Mommy is very sad that you are unable to listen"
If you cant do that walk into your room lock the door scream into a pillow and walk back out to speak with your child.
I yell at my daughter, but only when she does things that i need to scare the crap outta her (i.e. opening up the front door while I am changing in my bedroom, running towards a busy street, playing with fire....ha i kid....but things of that nature)
My daughter is almost five and she knows now that when mommy only yells when its a "danger" thing so she knows its serious business.
I might yell about other things but its really rare.
Other things I do is take away favorites. Favorite toy, blanket, chair, whatever it takes to get her attention.
**The suggestion about the garbage bag is a good one. I do that with my daughter**0 -
I know that yelling happens. I'm not going to calmly say "Now, darling, we really shouldn't play in the street"....but there's got to be a better way to get her to pick up her toys LOL
When my kids dont pick up their toys i get a trash bag and tell them ill pick them up but they wont get them back. Especially if its one of their favorites. Then a couple of days later i will give them back and then the next time i keep them for longer and tell them "if u dont start picking them up, Mamas gonna give them to someone who dont have the toys to play with". Its worked wonders with my 6 year old and now my 3 year old is learning it very quickly. Give it a try it can hurt.
I had a landlady who did this to her kids ONCE because they never ever ever would pick up their rooms or put up their laundry. She took all of their toys and most of their clothes (leaving enough clothes to wear threw out the week, they would have to wash them at the end of the week to have more clothes) put them in trash bags and donated them. She said they also wouldn't load the dishwasher so she got rid of it and made them wash every dish as they dirtied it or they got in major trouble. She said they never crossed her after that which was good because they were getting ready to be teenagers and I hear that is a difficult period of parenting as well!0 -
who says you have to yell all the time?? i think back to my childhood (not that long ago, actually), and my parents didn't yell at my brother and i a lot. but when they did, HOLY MERCIFUL CRAP we knew we were about two seconds away from getting our *kitten* handed to us.
Great advice. If you yell all the time why are they going to pay any attention the next time you yell?
I know I'm lucky. My little girl has always been an angel. It's rare that I have to raise my voice to her. And when I do she starts crying and I start crying...
Just maybe save full on yelling for big stuff. If you yell everytime there's a toy truck on the floor it kind of dilutes the effectiveness.0 -
The more you yell the more they will act out...and the more they will then get a rise out of you. Just talk it out. People think you cant speak logically to little ones and its not true. If they are upset you simply say oh my you are very upset. Can you tell me why you are upset. You have to put words to what they are doing because they don't know. Distraction always is the key. Which is very easy when they are little. It is ok to say something like wow you are very upset and its ok to be upset but its not ok to yell and carry on this way. I am going to go do something happy and you can join me when you are ready. Walk away and start laughing from another room or something of that nature. You have to remember little kids are just trying to find their way in the world. It can be frustrating enough for an adult...nap times? If they are an issue dont tell them its time for a nap. put some calm music on with no words just instrumental and turn off tv etc. Its time to read a book and we are going to play a game to see who can be more quiet. I hope this helps.0
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Just because you yell you are not a terrible mother. Yelling happens and sometimes it is the only way to get your kid to listen. I have an 8year old and I tried the countdown approach (didn't work). I tried timeout (didn't work). I tried Dr. Phils method (didn't work). Kids are different and they do not respond to everything. Discipline and following through are the biggest in my opinion if I do not follow through with my son he knows that he can get away with almost anything. Talking in a calm voice and having discussions with my child goes in one ear and out the other. Sometimes you need to yell. Last night I told my son to go to bed in a calm voice and he flat out ignored me when I finally raised my voice he got up and went to bed. I didn't grow up in a house that yelled very rarely did my father ever yell, but it happens and you shouldn't worry yourself about it.0
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I yell when I'm exhausted. It's completely ineffective. My kids don't listen to me when I yell. I just get frustrated and mad at myself. What does work is setting a consequence for their actions and following through, I.e. if you don't stop _____ then ______. It is way more effective as long as you follow through. If you ask your kids to pick up their toys and they don't, pick the toys up and put them in time-out, make them earn them back. It sends much more of a message than yelling. I've even heard of a friend who will throw her kids' toys away. I don't have the guts for that, though. 1-2-3 Magic and Parenting with Love and Logic are great books.0
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Can honestly say I have never yelled at my five year old son.
BUT, he's the world's most amazing child. Honest... you should meet him.
:blushing:0 -
I yell all the time I have a 19 mo. old and a almost 3 yr old. But ppl laugh at me cause they say my yelling is a normal tone. Lol. Im a very quiet person. I don't think theres anything wrong with it. I rather yell at my kids then them being hooligans.0
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id like to add you are not a terrible mommy...there is not one single perfect parent in this world. lol we are all learning all the time. my kids hated picking up their toys if it meant they had to lift the lid or put clothes away if it meant going in a drawer. I got buckets...those big ones with handles. theyd alwyas pick up things that way and even put their clothes away in the corresponding buckets lol.0
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parenting without yelling == parenting without kids.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Totally disagree.
Read "Making Children Mind without Losing Yours" by Kevin Leman. Also, it will totally help if you understood your child's love language. Another good read: "The 5 Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman.0 -
Check out this site.... We signed up for their newsletter and have gotten some very good tips! My girlfriend uses this and has the most amazing kids and she is so much calmer than anyone I know..
Good Luck...
www.loveandlogic.com0 -
I remember the first time my mom yelled at me. I'd been 18 for about 12 hours and I came home with a tattoo. It was also the first time my mom ever punched anything, I thought she'd broken her hand on the wall.
If you're child is causing that big a problem (that you feel like you're constantly yelling) you need to either set new boundries, chill the heck out and let your kid be a kid, or talk to a doc and look into anxiety meds (for you not the kid), it might be as simple as that.
Now, I was raised by parents who believed in spankings, soap in the mouth, and sending us to our rooms (no tvs, computers, or any sort of electronics), so if you're worried about yelling I might not be the right gal to talk to.0 -
It is hard..lol...I hav 4 kids 5,4,3,and 1 and they can drive me nuts some days! If you go the supernanny route, you calmly give a warning the first time, then discipline the second time. To me, I don't think it's bad if your kids know you can yell, but yelling all the time just makes you have to yell LOUDER to get your point across next time, b/c they learn to tune it out (I speak from experience..my mom yelled everything at us, not even ion a mad voice, just anything she wanted or anytime she wanted us, she yelled at/for us)... I think in every case consistency is the key. If you say stop once, and they don't they get punished (time out, privilege taken away, whatever you do)...I think alot of times we yell, b/c we want the situation to stop without stopping what we are doing to take care of it, b/c we're are busy with something else. But my kids know when I'm busy and take that opportunity to push the limits of my patience :P I think it is possible to parent without yelling, but it takes lots of work. If your kids know you mean it when you say "no" or "stop" and that continuing will mean a punishment, they will most likely take you more seriously and you won't have to yell as much At the same time, a good freak out every once in a while reminds them that you CAN be scarey..lol....and they don't want to see that :P Good luck! Parenting is not a one size fits all b/c people are different, kids are different....you have to find what works for yours.... There are many good responses on here..and I agree with kme2011 on the toys. I do the same thing!! "If you aren't going to pick them up, I will, but they will in a bag and you lose them till you start picking up and can earn them back" Only took a couple times for my 4 year old to realize I really would take ALL her dolls if they were all on the floor and she wouldn't pick them up. Now it's not a battle much anymore. 0
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I always found that yelling did no good unless i was at my wits end, and then boy they knew they had it coming, my husband on the other hand yells all the time at the boys and they have no respect for him and tell him thats all that he does is yell. I try to take the emotion out of it, if i tell them in a calm voice that i am disappointed, discouraged whatever, at 3 she is old enough to know how to be spoken to, she will understand, definitely have some consequences, if they didnt do what they were told, taken away video games worked wonders! they didnt get to go to play with their friends and or play outside and that was murder for them at that age! they loved us going outside.sometimes momma needs a timeout also, the bathroom is a good place to get away for five minutes when the little ****s would break something or glue something to the dog0
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I know that yelling happens. I'm not going to calmly say "Now, darling, we really shouldn't play in the street"....but there's got to be a better way to get her to pick up her toys LOL
For this specific task, I use the garbage bag threat. If they don't pick up their toys when I ask, I get a big black garbage bag in hand and threaten to throw everything out! They also respond to the threat of sucking them up in the vacuum cleaner!0 -
This is how it is in our home!who says you have to yell all the time?? i think back to my childhood (not that long ago, actually), and my parents didn't yell at my brother and i a lot. but when they did, HOLY MERCIFUL CRAP we knew we were about two seconds away from getting our *kitten* handed to us.0 -
Take a deep breath. Take the emotion out of it. Just keep flatly repeating what you want them to do until they do it. OR tell them once, if they don't do it get on their level, look in their eyes, and calmly repeat it it again (to make sure they truly heard you) and then if they don't follow the direction, give them a consequence. I alternate with both, depending on what I want them to do. If I ask them to do something and they ignore me, consequence. If I ask them to do something and they try to talk me to death or ask a million questions, I just repeat till it gets done.
Just practice - I am only good at it because I'm a teacher so I can't yell, so I've had LOTS of practice 0 -
So here's my confession of feeling like a CRAP parent. I have taken to yelling SHUT UP. Of course this is proceeded by "Hush" "Be Quiet' "Enough" and then the SHUT UP comes out. Unfortunately lately it seems that my ids won't respond until the SHUT UP comes out. and then I spend the rest of the night/day feeling terrible. I've tried talking to them and explaining that they need to hush when I say it the first time, and that I don't like yelling SHUT UP, they seem to get it for a bit, but hen it magically fades away the next time they are really rambunctious..... *SIGH*
Can't lie... I really hope you can kick this habit.0 -
Read the excellent: "How to talk so kids will listen and how to listen so kids will take" By Faber & Mazlich. Full of great ideas for non-violent (including verbal violence) parenting. I am a yeller too but I'm working on it! 0
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we've done the positiveparentingsolutions.com classes too. She is great.0
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So here's my confession of feeling like a CRAP parent. I have taken to yelling SHUT UP. Of course this is proceeded by "Hush" "Be Quiet' "Enough" and then the SHUT UP comes out. Unfortunately lately it seems that my ids won't respond until the SHUT UP comes out. and then I spend the rest of the night/day feeling terrible. I've tried talking to them and explaining that they need to hush when I say it the first time, and that I don't like yelling SHUT UP, they seem to get it for a bit, but hen it magically fades away the next time they are really rambunctious..... *SIGH*
Can't lie... I really hope you can kick this habit.
I grew up in this. You have no idea the effect it will have on your kids. Please try to stop.0 -
You have already received a lot of good advice here. The first being to not beat yourself up. If you are not cursing/being abusive, it will be OK. Not that you should keep yelling, but give yourself a break. Parenting is crazy hard! I have twin 4 yo's and a 2 yo. These ages are SO trying. And every now and then when you do yell, hopefully with good reason, like you said running for the street, it will make them stop - because it's not something they hear very often.
I totally agree with 1,2,3 magic. Explaining things, etc. Another idea for you, if you are having trouble with one specific issue is to make a story out of it. Make up a story about a little girl who (fill in with your issue) for example, doesn't pick up her toys. What happens to the toys, what happens with mom and dad, etc. What happens when she does pick up her, and end it with a happy ending. My kids LOVE stories like this. Use simpIe sentences and lots of feelings. "The toys are sad to be left on the floor" "Mommy gets hurt when she steps on a toy" I don't give the character a name, but I describe him/her just like my kids. It won't work the first time. You have to do it every day - a couple times a day but it really helps. We made one up for sleeping - now he tells me the story at night. Google social stories, it is a technique used for kids with autism, but it works great for ALL kids.
I also do real-life consequences. Toy picking up was a big one in our house too. I set a timer, whatever they don't pick up when the timer rings goes to "toy-time-out". I help them pick up, but only to model how it's done, they have to do the bulk of the work.
I set a timer for all kinds of stuff. T.v. time, when to put the play-doh away, if they are dragging on at meal times, etc. I try to use "time out" sparingly - so that it's effective when they do go. I put other things in time out - toys and books
And yes, turning off the t.v. and just doing things together is the #1 way to prevent bad behavior. Speaking of which, I am going to get off the computer now
HTH,
J
ETA: I also LOVE "The happiest toddler on the block" book - lots of good ideas there.0 -
I am surprised your girlfriend didn't leave you, it is not right to put your hands on anyone out of anger, if it gets that bad you just need to walk away and tell her you need a cooling off period.0
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parenting without yelling == parenting without kids.
SO NOT TRUE....my stepson and his wife do not yell but the kids are very well behaved. They are expected to behave at home and in public, no running around in restaurants or stores. On the rare occasion when they do misbehave (what kid doesn't?) they are controlled without Mom or Dad having to raise their voices. They don't spank either. It CAN be done, just takes time and patience. In my experience, kids who are yelled at learn to tune out their parents and just stop listening.0
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