Parenting without Yelling

jennajava

parenting without yelling == parenting without kids.

In my experience, kids who are yelled at learn to tune out their parents and just stop listening.

True story. I did. Wish I hadn't. Wish someone had given my parents good advice.

macpatti

The more you yell the more they will act out

Not necessarily. It depends on how you yell, when you yell, how often you yell, and WHAT you yell. Yelling in itself is not wrong nor a bad parenting tool. It can be effective. Just like spanking.........you know you're doing it the right way if you don't need to do it often. At least that's been my experience (I've got a 24, 20, 17, 11, and 9 year old). I've yelled, spanked, washed a mouth or two out with soap, grounded, taken things away, and have tried logic conversations on what is right and wrong. I'm a "man handler", though, because my oldest are boys. I'm also not the type of mom to say, "Now, baby, do you want mommy to send you to naughty mat for doing that again"? Not my style.

Hungry_Tuna

This thread is starting to make me reconsider having kids one day.
I say this with love. :flowerforyou:

Good luck dear!! I'm sure they love you no matter what.. Tough love is always going to happen.

meltygarden

it's a rare parent who doesn't yell sometimes, and if done sparingly, it can be useful for getting a point across. but only if done rarely. frankly, in my experience, yelling too much was an indication that i had already lost control of the situation. it was far more effective (although required more effort) to remove myself and the child from whatever the situation was that they were acting out in, and to talk to them in a calm, low voice, never backing down, about what exactly was expected and that they would not go back to that situation until they were ready to act in the right way. yes, there was a time or two when i actually had to leave a fully-loaded shopping cart in the middle of the store and take them home. and a few times i had to get up in the middle of dinner out and remove my child and go sit in the car - sometimes for the duration. it did feel like i was being punished too, but you can't let on about that or else it becomes leverage for *them*, not you. as far as they're concerned, you have to be completely willing, and perfectly happy doing whatever it is that is necessary to ensure that they are acting the way they are supposed to. once they realize that the only one losing out is them, things become a lot easier. you have to be consistent and rock-solid in your resolve, though. and you have to be in control of your own emotions. you're the adult. what they see from you is what they are going to assume is ok when it comes to their own relationships.

engineman312

recently i was getting some ice cream at a TCBY. in front of me on line was a woman with her kid, 7 years old or so. woman asked her what he wanted. he said some flavor, and she said "no, i just got you that, and you ate half of it and said you didn't like it and you threw it away."

as she's getting her another ice cream, he's climbing the counter. scaling it like he's muther friggen spider man. she goes to him and calls him by his ridiculously white upper east side name and goes "get down from there, before i count to three. one... two..." he doesn't come down. she picks him up, sets him on the floor, goes to one knee, and tells the kid "you're really upseting me. if you keep this up i'll make you wait outside while i get your ice cream."

so basically the kid has his mother wrapped around his finger. he eats half an ice cream because he knows his mother will get him another one. he misbehaves in a public place because he knows his mother won't do anything.

what. the. frik. my mother never would've gotten me another ice cream to start off with. second, i would've never climbed that counter because of the fear of getting a slap across the face (i was an eighties child. very socially acceptable to slap a misbehaving child in public). if i had climbed that counter, my mother would've pulled me down by me ear. and then dragged me out of the place by lifting me up by my arm pit, so i have to tip toe out following her.

i love my mom. my dad too. i'm a pretty regular person, so my parents yelling at me and hitting me once in a while didn't warp me or make me hate them. i even graduated college and i'm an engineer for the local power company.

MrsKunz

Not a terrible mommy at all. Not only am i a mommy but a Pre-K teacher too or i was for many years now that i stay at home with the kids i find that what i learned is school works really well. I try not to use "negative" words when i can instead of stop i say please try this or instead of no say please i don't like that or instead of bad i say ugly Also we have sit downs my daughter is 3 and my son is 10 and i have my nephew who is a year and a half. We find that if they are doing something we don't like and they aren't getting when i don't want them to do it we pull them away from everyone and talk then get a new activity by themselves.
Maybe this will help. I know it helps me.

datguy2011

not possible.... yell and smack.. its the part of life.... you children will thank you in 20 years.

carolann_22

parenting without yelling == parenting without kids.

In my experience, kids who are yelled at learn to tune out their parents and just stop listening.

Could not agree more! As a teacher, I see so many kids conditioned to being yelled at and it does NOTHING for them but result in more yelling from the parents and more tuning out from the kids.

iuangina

And advice on how to do this? I feel like lately all I do is yell at my girl...she's almost 3....and it's not getting me anywhere except crying myself to sleep because I feel like a terrible mommy. LOL

First off, you're not a terrible mommy just because you yell. Most parents do it, and while it's generally not effective, it is normal and you're not scarring her for life.

Find a method of discipline that works for you and that she can understand. For us, the book "1,2,3 Magic!" worked pretty well. After we did it for a few days, my kids understood that if they were misbehaving and I counted to 1, they needed to quit. 2 is their last chance, and 3 means punishment -- usually time-out, but sometimes removal of a toy or a privilege or something else that works for the situation. I still yell from time to time, but it helps me pull back and stop yelling because I know that I have something else that works. Most of the time, when we yell, it's because we're frustrated and don't know what else to do. We feel like we're not being heard, so we just say it louder, when the reality is they heard us the first 50 times, they just chose not to react because they don't know what the consequence will be, and it's more fun to do what they're doing than to listen to us.

That book may not be the method that works for you, but there are lots of other ways to get through to kids. The important thing is to remember that your yelling isn't something you need to feel guilty about. It's something that happens, and it's normal and it's fine. But it's a symptom that YOU are frustrated and unhappy, and that's what needs to be addressed. Find a way to make YOURSELF feel more in control, and the yelling will dissipate along with the frustration.

This is basically what I was going to say. I would make sure that you have 5 simple rules that she can understand. For example, 1. Listen to Mommy and Daddy the first time we say something to you, 2. pick up after yourself, etc. She should get 1 warning to fix the behavior and then I would then establish consequences for failing to following the "house rules". Whether that's a time out or a loss of a particular privilege for a few minutes. Most kids that are 3 yr old don't really remember from day to day why they are being punished, so I wouldn't recommend taking things away like TV for failure to listen. They can understand losing their favorite toys for a period of time (but they will also forget about it rather quickly - think about how a toy that they get for their birthday and you put it away for awhile becomes a new toy when it comes back out).

Rewards for good behavior also work very well. For example, you could have a sticker chart and every time they are caught following a rule the get a sticker after 4 stickers in a day they get a reward of some kind (extra time in the bath, 5 minutes of extra computer time, 30 extra minutes of TV, I stay away from food rewards because I don't want to create that issue)

jennajava

i love my mom. my dad too. i'm a pretty regular person, so my parents yelling at me and hitting me once in a while didn't warp me or make me hate them. i even graduated college and i'm an engineer for the local power company.

Nothing wrong with once in a while. But it loses its power and can cause serious damage if you yell about everything.

loriecover

Hi,

Someone recently told me about Scream Free Parenting. Link: http://www.screamfree.com/site/PageServer?pagename=201006_Parenting

I hope you find it helpful.

Cold_Steel

And advice on how to do this? I feel like lately all I do is yell at my girl...she's almost 3....and it's not getting me anywhere except crying myself to sleep because I feel like a terrible mommy. LOL

Sometimes its unavoidable but I kind of compare it to dog training.

When you yell at a small child or dog they do not understand why you are yelling other than it scares them, loud sound the anger in your voice.

I have grown to learn with my little one that yelling accomplishes nothing. I only use it if I seriously want to startle him if he is doing something bad that is going to hurt him like sticking his finger in the socket or climbing something high but its usually simply something like "get down" or a generic yell, but I have been cutting it out of our disciplinary life simply because it doesn't startle him any more.

You have to find out where its coming from, if its coming from anger then it really does nothing for you or the kid.

asyouseefit

not possible.... yell and smack.. its the part of life.... you children will thank you in 20 years.

This is B.S. I was yelled at and smacked and I don't thank my parents for it. They did a good job overall but they did a good job DESPITE yelling and smacking.

Ashalena

I don't have children of my own, however, I do have nieces and a nephew that I spend a lot of time with.

I'm not a yeller. When one of them needs "yelled" at, I punish them by either time outs or taking things away from them. The key that works for me is that after every punishment, I sit with them and ask them why they got in trouble to make them understand. We talk about it and I ask what they could have done differently. My youngest niece is 2 years old. This method even works for her.

good luck

AreneeG31

wait until u have a teenager! I have a 7, 13, and 15 year old and the yelling never stops! LOL I have found that whether I yell or not, they still ignore it! but, it does usually get their attention for like 2 seconds!! :bigsmile:

Good luck!

odusgolp

So here's my confession of feeling like a CRAP parent. I have taken to yelling SHUT UP. Of course this is proceeded by "Hush" "Be Quiet' "Enough" and then the SHUT UP comes out. Unfortunately lately it seems that my ids won't respond until the SHUT UP comes out. and then I spend the rest of the night/day feeling terrible. I've tried talking to them and explaining that they need to hush when I say it the first time, and that I don't like yelling SHUT UP, they seem to get it for a bit, but hen it magically fades away the next time they are really rambunctious..... *SIGH*

Can't lie... I really hope you can kick this habit.

I grew up in this. You have no idea the effect it will have on your kids. Please try to stop.

Agreed. And, in my experience, "Shut Up" is not an acceptable word in school. Try not to say things you don't want them repeating if possible.

Everyone slips, but if you're finding this a regular behavior I'd hope you try to work on it.

ANeWcRe8N

Crazy how I was just thinking and wondering this same thing and then I log on and see this thread on the side of my feeds...sorry I'm no help I'm just here to read comments and advice. Good luck though!!!

jlc1243

I agree that yelling happens--parenting is crazy hard!-- and it's not helpful to beat yourself up about it. But kudos to you for trying to do better. I support you in that. I took a free webinar from a parenting coach that had super advice. Hm, let me find that. Here:

http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/pricing/free-parent-training

She has other resources on her site. Worth taking the free seminar, lots of tips.

And then there's the book 1-2-3 Magic. Very helpful strategies for my family (my daughter is now 4, we've been using these strategies since age 2).

1-2-3 Magic is wonderful. I highly recommend!!

sweetiepie31612

Instead of yelling at her, put her in time out (sit in the corner, in the chair, in her room) and then when you have clamed down, go to her and explain to her why you're upset and why what she did (or didn't do) was wrong, give her a hug and let her up. It's important to talk to her about what she did and the time out gives you the chance to calm down beforehand.

seehawkmomma

recently i was getting some ice cream at a TCBY. in front of me on line was a woman with her kid, 7 years old or so. woman asked her what he wanted. he said some flavor, and she said "no, i just got you that, and you ate half of it and said you didn't like it and you threw it away."

as she's getting her another ice cream, he's climbing the counter. scaling it like he's muther friggen spider man. she goes to him and calls him by his ridiculously white upper east side name and goes "get down from there, before i count to three. one... two..." he doesn't come down. she picks him up, sets him on the floor, goes to one knee, and tells the kid "you're really upseting me. if you keep this up i'll make you wait outside while i get your ice cream."

so basically the kid has his mother wrapped around his finger. he eats half an ice cream because he knows his mother will get him another one. he misbehaves in a public place because he knows his mother won't do anything.

what. the. frik. my mother never would've gotten me another ice cream to start off with. second, i would've never climbed that counter because of the fear of getting a slap across the face (i was an eighties child. very socially acceptable to slap a misbehaving child in public). if i had climbed that counter, my mother would've pulled me down by me ear. and then dragged me out of the place by lifting me up by my arm pit, so i have to tip toe out following her.

i love my mom. my dad too. i'm a pretty regular person, so my parents yelling at me and hitting me once in a while didn't warp me or make me hate them. i even graduated college and i'm an engineer for the local power company.

I too grew up in the 80s and I had the fear of god put into me by my parents. My mother was a thrower and would be so calm and than blow up and my father was a yeller.

The way I see parents parent these days make me a little woozy. I'm a single mom but when my daughter throws a fit in the middle of a store she doesnt get a treat or ice cream for that matter.

There is a huge draw back to the 2000's era of raising children.

OKmac3

Not a terrible mommy at all. Not only am i a mommy but a Pre-K teacher too or i was for many years now that i stay at home with the kids i find that what i learned is school works really well. I try not to use "negative" words when i can instead of stop i say please try this or instead of no say please i don't like that or instead of bad i say ugly Also we have sit downs my daughter is 3 and my son is 10 and i have my nephew who is a year and a half. We find that if they are doing something we don't like and they aren't getting when i don't want them to do it we pull them away from everyone and talk then get a new activity by themselves.
Maybe this will help. I know it helps me.

^^^^this...Only I work at a medium security juvenile center as a teacher (I teach current events) and yelling does not help any situation here. With all 5 of my kids (ages 16-6) I try to talk them through what ever it is keeping in mind that they do not know anything and it is my job as a parent to teach them what I know while at the same time let them think for themselves.

With that said, I am human and will yell every once in awhile. It happens but you live and learn.

BrandNewDaisy

We have been attempting the Love and Logic approach mentioned. Giving them consequences to their actions, it takes the pressure of their behavior off of you and puts it on them. It works best with my 7 year old, cause she listens. The 3 year old... he gets alot of time outs, understands now to be there.
I yell too though, I think all parents do. My kids pay no attention to me, I am invisible and they are deaf. So when I yell at them, it's usually just their name to get their attention and then I try to talk calmly. My daughter's teachers say "123 Look at Me" and all 30 some-odd kids get quiet and look. It has worked a couple times when her friends are over, and even my son will stop and look up.

Toys, my son picks up his toys.... in the evening before bed... with help still. Are the toys in your living room still there from unwrapping? If so, it may help if you assist her in finding homes for the new toys, then have her pick up when the mess is smaller. My daughter is very particular now, cause everything has a place, she knows where it is, and that's where it goes. Sing a clean up song and pick up one toy for every two she picks. They still need a little help at this age.

Another trick I like is warning the kids when their activity is about to change. "you have 5 minutes till bathtime" or "we are leaving in 10 minutes" It lets them know what to expect and their world isn't ripped apart at random, so less fighting there.

Well, good luck.

annabellj

wait until u have a teenager! I have a 7, 13, and 15 year old and the yelling never stops! LOL I have found that whether I yell or not, they still ignore it! but, it does usually get their attention for like 2 seconds!! :bigsmile:

Good luck!

i have teenagers, if you talk to them like they are real people, you dont have to yell at them, only when they are being turds, just like my husband lol

MrsKunz

Not a terrible mommy at all. Not only am i a mommy but a Pre-K teacher too or i was for many years now that i stay at home with the kids i find that what i learned is school works really well. I try not to use "negative" words when i can instead of stop i say please try this or instead of no say please i don't like that or instead of bad i say ugly Also we have sit downs my daughter is 3 and my son is 10 and i have my nephew who is a year and a half. We find that if they are doing something we don't like and they aren't getting when i don't want them to do it we pull them away from everyone and talk then get a new activity by themselves.
Maybe this will help. I know it helps me.

^^^^this...Only I work at a medium security juvenile center as a teacher (I teach current events) and yelling does not help any situation here. With all 5 of my kids (ages 16-6) I try to talk them through what ever it is keeping in mind that they do not know anything and it is my job as a parent to teach them what I know while at the same time let them think for themselves.

With that said, I am human and will yell every once in awhile. It happens but you live and learn.

yelling sometimes just helps me lol but now that i talk to them more when i do yell they freak a little they know its bad lol and wow 16-6 you have your hands full!!

recriger

I'm not a parent but I do know that my nephew won't listen if you yell at him.
He does listen when you use a strict voice. I'm the only one who uses it.. so I'm the only one he listens too. My sister & her husband let him do pretty much whatever because they feel bad if they yell at him. At least I think that's why he listens..

I am a parent and my daughter is also nearly 3. The lady above describes my wife and I very closely. i have to take it a little further though. My daughter doesn't listen to my wife but she does to me. i don't yell at her, not sure I ever have though I've wanted to. I tell her what to do. My wife will say "do you want to change your diaper?" daughter says "No." I say "come here, lets change your diaper." daughter walks over and plops on the ground with her feet in the air. My wife says "were going to go now, do you want to get your coat and put it on?". Daughter says "No" and starts running laps around the living room and kitchen. I simply say "come here, lets put your coat on.". 95% of the time I get an "Ok." and she walks over to me. It drives my wife insane!! I'm starting to get the stink eye from my wife on a regular basis.

That is a problem lots of authors have written about older (over 25 yrs., but I didn't look at your age) parents. They tend to try for "friend" status more than younger more impatient parents do. The part of the brain controlling rational thoughts and actions won't be fully formed for another 22 years for a 3 yr old. My "style" if you will, was developed over many years. I was the senior patrol leader way back in the scouts (yup, geek). I was a Marine Sergeant. I was also a Para at the local highschool during junior college, I worked with the special ed kids.

what I have found is that screaming get's you nothing. giving in also gets you nothing. If you say something and she doesn't comply, you either physically (soft hands) make her do it or you stand there until it's done. If she says no to me on the jacket, I'll repeat myself a max of 3 times, then I take away whatever she is doing and put her arms in the jacket while explaining what she was told to do.

Just remember, when they scream and cry they do NOT hate you. they will still curl up with you later. they are just trying to get their own way and learning how far they can push you. Don't give in, and TRY not to get mad. As strange as it sounds, kids feel safer and seem to be happier if they know the boundaries. My cousin is "friends" with her 2 kids. They are the worst little wretches I've ever been in the same room with.

sorry to be long winded.

stcar

recently i was getting some ice cream at a TCBY. in front of me on line was a woman with her kid, 7 years old or so. woman asked her what he wanted. he said some flavor, and she said "no, i just got you that, and you ate half of it and said you didn't like it and you threw it away."

as she's getting her another ice cream, he's climbing the counter. scaling it like he's muther friggen spider man. she goes to him and calls him by his ridiculously white upper east side name and goes "get down from there, before i count to three. one... two..." he doesn't come down. she picks him up, sets him on the floor, goes to one knee, and tells the kid "you're really upseting me. if you keep this up i'll make you wait outside while i get your ice cream."

so basically the kid has his mother wrapped around his finger. he eats half an ice cream because he knows his mother will get him another one. he misbehaves in a public place because he knows his mother won't do anything.

what. the. frik. my mother never would've gotten me another ice cream to start off with. second, i would've never climbed that counter because of the fear of getting a slap across the face (i was an eighties child. very socially acceptable to slap a misbehaving child in public). if i had climbed that counter, my mother would've pulled me down by me ear. and then dragged me out of the place by lifting me up by my arm pit, so i have to tip toe out following her.

i love my mom. my dad too. i'm a pretty regular person, so my parents yelling at me and hitting me once in a while didn't warp me or make me hate them. i even graduated college and i'm an engineer for the local power company.

I too grew up in the 80s and I had the fear of god put into me by my parents. My mother was a thrower and would be so calm and than blow up and my father was a yeller.

The way I see parents parent these days make me a little woozy. I'm a single mom but when my daughter throws a fit in the middle of a store she doesnt get a treat or ice cream for that matter.

There is a huge draw back to the 2000's era of raising children.

lol at the tip toeing out of the store, I know that feeling! My dad was a yeller and my mom was a random screamer/curse word thrower. I love my parents and am a productive member of society. The only downfall (if you see it that way) is that I too am now a yeller. Not that I have a choice, bc I don't think I have time to stop myself in the split second between when my son talks back to me and when I start yelling. However, I think that if I didn't yell he would just walk around being lippy all day and if any parent can sit through that from an 11 year old without yelling must be on some sort of sedative in my opinion. My son hates my yelling now, but I'm quite positive he'll love me when he's older and be a rule abiding citizen when he grows up (as he is now for the most part). My ex husband is the most relaxed person on the planet and never yells, but my son wouldn't dream of lipping off to him. Not sure why, maybe just because he's a man....or bc he only saw him every 2nd wknd growing up...either way yelling is needed at times in my opinion.

russellma

Wouldn't we all like the magic potion for familial peace and tranquility!

I'm not a perfect parent, either. I think feeling like a bad mommy comes with the territory!

I don't scream at my kids, although I do occasionally need to raise my voice (sometimes just to be heard above their yelling at each other!). Sometimes, I do show my frustration and it does make you feel horrible.

I think (and again, I don't have it even close to perfected) that the key is consistency. Your child needs to learn that the way to avoiding consequences is to listen the first time.

We sort of condition our kids that there will be no action on our part until our voice reaches a certain pitch! Lots of parents can manage a normal voice the first time, and then continue to increase their volume and intensity until the demand is fulfilled. It doesn't take kids long to figure that out, and they know how long it will take until they actually have to do what you want.

I've done a little bit of reading on this, so what I say isn't information coming from a perfect parent, but one that's trying (sometimes unsuccessfully) to do the right thing for her kids.

Basically, we need to try to make a conscious effort to speak in a normal voice every time. Then, ideally you would have a plan for several possible negative consequences that they will find unpleasant, and you would calmly implement a negative consequence consistently every time your child doesn't listen the first time.

It will take work and consistency, but eventually, your child will start listening the first time because they've learned that not doing so is going to cause something unpleasant to happen.

The problem is that being consistent is hard work. It's not fun to be the bad guy and take away things your children like or give them an unpleasant experience. It's MUCH easier to look the other way. But, if they can get away with it once in a while, then they will see you as an experiment and try to find the statistics on how often it works!

Good luck! There are many of us who completely understand what you're going through so do your best to shrug off the negative thoughts!

taramaureen

recently i was getting some ice cream at a TCBY. in front of me on line was a woman with her kid, 7 years old or so. woman asked her what he wanted. he said some flavor, and she said "no, i just got you that, and you ate half of it and said you didn't like it and you threw it away."

as she's getting her another ice cream, he's climbing the counter. scaling it like he's muther friggen spider man. she goes to him and calls him by his ridiculously white upper east side name and goes "get down from there, before i count to three. one... two..." he doesn't come down. she picks him up, sets him on the floor, goes to one knee, and tells the kid "you're really upseting me. if you keep this up i'll make you wait outside while i get your ice cream."

so basically the kid has his mother wrapped around his finger. he eats half an ice cream because he knows his mother will get him another one. he misbehaves in a public place because he knows his mother won't do anything.

what. the. frik. my mother never would've gotten me another ice cream to start off with. second, i would've never climbed that counter because of the fear of getting a slap across the face (i was an eighties child. very socially acceptable to slap a misbehaving child in public). if i had climbed that counter, my mother would've pulled me down by me ear. and then dragged me out of the place by lifting me up by my arm pit, so i have to tip toe out following her.

i love my mom. my dad too. i'm a pretty regular person, so my parents yelling at me and hitting me once in a while didn't warp me or make me hate them. i even graduated college and i'm an engineer for the local power company.

That's horrible. I always fear becoming this parent or being viewed as this parent. I hate kids that run amok.

juliecat1

first off - 321 Magic is wonderful and the OPs kid is at the perfect age to start using it.

Im a mom to 3 kids - 10, 6 and 3. I can count on one hand the amount of times Ive had to YELL at my kids. Heres my take on it....always screaming at your kids teaches them that 1. mom cant control her temper 2. this is how we communicate 3. they learn to tune it out. Do you want to have kids that grow up to scream AT you too? Their teachers? Spouses? At their own kids? No - probably not.
I hear a lot of people on this thread saying theyre trying to learn not to say "shut up" or scream. Quit trying and just STOP doing it. Youre an adult and self control should be something youve learned by now. Also, shift your perspective and angel a little. If you catch your kid cleaning up their toys - praise or reward them. Tell them how amazingly awesome it was of them to do that without being hassled and explain how much that helps mom so you can spend more fun time together later. Kids want attention from their parents and positive attention feels WAY better than negative. Negative will work though if they arent getting positive. This is another point.... DO FUN THINGS WITH YOUR KIDS! Were all in such a hustle anymore that we forget to go play and just have a kid day. You dont even know how many times taking my kids to the park on a stressful day fixed us all. Giggles and running off steam do amazing things. Our kids have the rest of their lives to be grown ups and act perfectly and behaved. Its okay if they mess up and run amok now. We are parents and this is just time to teach them. Not scream them down into submission

ajbeans

recently i was getting some ice cream at a TCBY. in front of me on line was a woman with her kid, 7 years old or so. woman asked her what he wanted. he said some flavor, and she said "no, i just got you that, and you ate half of it and said you didn't like it and you threw it away."

as she's getting her another ice cream, he's climbing the counter. scaling it like he's muther friggen spider man. she goes to him and calls him by his ridiculously white upper east side name and goes "get down from there, before i count to three. one... two..." he doesn't come down. she picks him up, sets him on the floor, goes to one knee, and tells the kid "you're really upseting me. if you keep this up i'll make you wait outside while i get your ice cream."

so basically the kid has his mother wrapped around his finger. he eats half an ice cream because he knows his mother will get him another one. he misbehaves in a public place because he knows his mother won't do anything.

what. the. frik. my mother never would've gotten me another ice cream to start off with. second, i would've never climbed that counter because of the fear of getting a slap across the face (i was an eighties child. very socially acceptable to slap a misbehaving child in public). if i had climbed that counter, my mother would've pulled me down by me ear. and then dragged me out of the place by lifting me up by my arm pit, so i have to tip toe out following her.

i love my mom. my dad too. i'm a pretty regular person, so my parents yelling at me and hitting me once in a while didn't warp me or make me hate them. i even graduated college and i'm an engineer for the local power company.

That's horrible. I always fear becoming this parent or being viewed as this parent. I hate kids that run amok.

The way you don't become that parent is that you don't give empty threats and you don't reward bad behavior. I count to 3 too, but something HAPPENS when I get to 3, and I don't warn and say, "I'm on 2, you're about to get 3!" because 1 and 2 ARE the warnings. If I get to 3, we don't get the ice cream. And yes, screaming will ensue, because of course the child is upset, so they get a moment to be upset. But the longer that goes on, the more consequences there are, because screaming and yelling at me is not tolerated either. That mom didn't want to be "mean" and not get her kid ice cream. But the way I see it, ice cream isn't a once-in-a-lifetime thing. You can get it tomorrow if he's being good. It's ok to take it away for bad behavior today.