Girly dating question

Kickstand927

I have been dating a guy for about 2 months. We have been intimate a few times and seem to like one another a lot. We have been 'friends" for 10 years. We see one another about three times a week with spending the night over one another's houses on most of those nights. However, most of the nights when I am ready to "be intimate" he has no interest. HE makes me feel stupid almost for even thinking about having sex. He complains that I try to be sexual. I don't try every time but probably everyother time we are together. I try to do things to turn him on but end up just getting turned down or he falls asleep before anything happens. Now, in the past with any other man that I have been with(when I was 30lbs heavier) that ends up turning into a relationship the first year we can't keep out hands off one another, especially when it comes to cuddling up at bedtime ;-)
Can someone, male or female tell me what the heck is going on? We are 26, young in my eyes, and I am always ready to show him how I feel physically about him, if you catch my drift. HELP! I am starting to feel very insecure and confused.

tmarie2715

Ooooh no! This is a total stumper. In my opinion you have been together long enough, seeing each other frequently enough, and all the cards are leading to a more intimate relationship. Have you guys discussed religious / premartial sex stuff? Maybe he is old fashioned or weirdly religious?

GL to you! I hope you know it is nothing about you personally- you are gorgeous and are obviously very patient.

Edited to add: If you have already had sex maybe your sex drives are just incompatible. Dan Savage http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=11791997 talks a lot about that, just search his archives.

Ocarina

That is so strange!

It has to be lack of attraction, compatibility, or maybe he really just doesn't do sex. Which is absolutely crazy! But... I know it's not you as a person but maybe he is insecure? Or not attracted? :ohwell: Or could be wanting to take things slowly but doesn't know how to say it.

You definitely need to bring this up with him because whatever his reason is he really needs to tell you. Especially since he reacts so bluntly and seems almost offended.

ChrisStoney

It would only get worse if you were married..... some guys don't want sex (not me! ) but I have married friends who have not had sex in years. To me that is depressing. So it sounds like you are heading down this road. Platonic....

gatecityradio

He might just be nervous...you've only been together for 2 months so give it some time. Try talking with him about it. Maybe he had some sort of trauma in the past and it's hard for him to get past it. I doubt he's not attracted, he wouldn't be with you if he wasn't. Just don't jump to conclusions (like half of the people responding in this thread).

christine24t

I think some guys don't think girls are sexual - they think that girls have sex because they want to please their guy. He might think this way. Maybe just bring it up casually to him, like "whenever i try to initiate sex, you seem to not want to do it. Is there a reason for that?"

messyinthekitchen

You need to rename this topis MEN please help. This has never happened to me. And as women we can not tell you what goes through a man's head. You need the guys to help you on this one.

_Kate_P

it sounds like its not you that is turning him off or anything, but he's probably just insecure. do you know his relationship past? maybe his last girlfriend broke up with him and left him feeling inadequate. It also may be that he's a more traditional kinda guy and 2 months is too early for him?

Inacay

It sounds like there are a lot of questions about sex in your relationship. Have you tried having an open and honest conversation? It is one thing to bring up sex, but another to discuss your roles in the relationship and the expectations. What is your role? What is his role? What is your expectation? What is his? If he is interested in sex but unwilling to meet your expectation of sex specifically (for example: twice a week), then why? It sounds like you cannot make any decisions without finding out these answers to help you do so. If sex is that important to you, have you considered moving on? What would happen if you confronted him?

Inacay

I agree, the worst thing you can do is answer questions that he only has the answer to.

Inacay

He might just be nervous...you've only been together for 2 months so give it some time. Try talking with him about it. Maybe he had some sort of trauma in the past and it's hard for him to get past it. I doubt he's not attracted, he wouldn't be with you if he wasn't. Just don't jump to conclusions (like half of the people responding in this thread).

I agree, the worst thing you can do is answer questions that he only has the answer to.

xosmsox

Honestly, he's not that into you, it's cliche and NOT your fault you can do better. 10 years in friendship limbo you deserve more

ChrisStoney

He might just be nervous...you've only been together for 2 months so give it some time. Try talking with him about it. Maybe he had some sort of trauma in the past and it's hard for him to get past it. I doubt he's not attracted, he wouldn't be with you if he wasn't. Just don't jump to conclusions (like half of the people responding in this thread).

OK, keep dreaming.... they are in thier 20's and sleep tgether 3 nights a week for 2 months and had sex 2 times.... something is not right! Anyway goodnight going to see if I can get lucky tonight with my wife

Showgirlbody

When you see each other is it romantic? Or do you feel like pals? Do you meet up to go to dinner, watch tv? What is the context? You are spending the night together which presumes more intimacy than an f buddy. I guess it depends on if he shows affection other ways. If not, maybe he likes having a cuddle buddy and likes the security but isn't quite sure about the other aspects of intimacy. If you've known each other 10 years, you need to find out if he still thinks of you as a friend with occasional benefits or if you are moving towards something. Is he just not into sex much at all or is the transition from friend to lover with you still new and uncomfortable? You really won't know unless you discuss it. Most men want a woman to initiate sometimes and show that they are interested in being with them. It can't be one sided or something is wrong.

becoming_a_new_me

Is he in a relationship with you because it is "comfortable", but really sees you as more of a "buddy"? Also, some men have a hard time handling it when the woman is sexually driven...they want to be the one to start things.

My advice? If you want this relationship to go anywhere, you need to open up to him and tell him how you feel. He'll either be open to the conversation and be willing to talk about it, or he will get really uncomfortable and clam up not wanting to talk about it. If it is the former rather than the latter, he is a keeper. If he clams up, then in my opinion being open and honest is important for the success of a relationship and you may be better off to go back to friendship before it is too late.

gatecityradio

He might just be nervous...you've only been together for 2 months so give it some time. Try talking with him about it. Maybe he had some sort of trauma in the past and it's hard for him to get past it. I doubt he's not attracted, he wouldn't be with you if he wasn't. Just don't jump to conclusions (like half of the people responding in this thread).

OK, keep dreaming.... they are in thier 20's and sleep tgether 3 nights a week for 2 months and had sex 2 times.... something is not right! Anyway goodnight going to see if I can get lucky tonight with my wife

I'm not dreaming, you are the one jumping to irrational conclusions! Something might be wrong with him, which is why I made the comment that he might of had some trauma in the past (like sexual abuse or in a past relationship), he may suffer from a hormone disorder, he may even be shy. Not every man in there 20's is a horn dog...But what should I expect from a patriots fan who talks about getting lucky with his wife on an online forum make himself look like a bad@$$...All I was trying to say is we don't know the answers, we don't even know the guy...so don't go drawing conclusions like you (and many others) in your first post. She needs to get off this forum and talk to the guy. He holds the answers to what she needs to know.

onefourone

drop him and move on. Honestly a women that is open with her sexual desires. A guy that turns that down is either to insecure, not into women or thinks you are more of a friend the girl friend. I would talk openly and lay it on the table. 90 years old is to young to give up on sex doing it at 26 it hurts to think about.

Carl01

Even though the stereotype is that guys want sex all the time (true for most of us,myself included) this is not as unusual as one may think,have heard of several situations where the guy had no sex drive.

No idea what to tell you other then see if he understands there is an issue and how that is going to affect a long term,permanent relationship.
Intimacy is part of that and removal of it by either party will undercut and likely destroy a relationship.

If he is not willing or will not accept that he really does have a problem that is not normal then I suspect you should be moving ahead,years of unhappiness await you otherwise.
I am not saying for a moment that a relationship is only about sex but without it it becomes stale.
We all yearn for that special person to hold,touch and be physically intimate with,that is part of why you give your heart to someone in a different way then being friends so it has to be a part of the relationship or it doesn`t work.

driaxx

Uhh this happened with me and my best friend...I discovered he was gay.

It's a possibility, just saying - I didn't see it coming at all.

nonoark

I am so glad (sorry) to read this. I have been involved with a guy for about 3 years and as the weight started to change on both of us, he started behaving the same way. Now he states that he wants me there, but wont answer his phone text or calls and only shows up when his time allows. I have hit the lows that you are heading for and it is not easy. I have wondered if it could be part jealousy of the weight loss and how our confident levels have changed.
BTW, he put all of his weight back on and has hit many lows. I would have walked away , but my heart is in it and I see how low he has gotten. I have kept mine off and continue to work on it.
I try and redirect the pain into work outs. It helps some. Age is not always a factor...I am in my 40s (young at heart and fancy free) and he is just over 50. I am here if you need someone. Good luck to you.

bug1114

I would talk to him and see if this has happened in his prior relationships. It could be a possible low testosterone issue.

FitDC

Danger Will Robinson!!!!! Trust me, if you are having this concern now, it does not improve with time, just the opposite. A relationship should not make your feel stupid and insecure, just the opposite! It may hurt initially, but don't invest any more time with him - trade up!

hbrittingham

Some guys just have a low sex drive. That's perfectly fine with some women who also either have a low sex drive or don't like sex all that much. But it's not fine if you have a normal one. I think I would be moving on to another relationship, personally. I wish I had seen the red flag when I started dating my current husband 20 years ago. It got to the point where I finally gave up on initiating and told him that when he wanted it, to let me know. It's very demeaning to constantly be turned down for sex. Of course, at the beginning, we had a great sex life, but 2-3 years in, that all changed.

spicy618

"Houston, we have a problem."

It's not you. It's him!

If you are not being satisfied now, why stick around? Are you going to try and change him? Not a good practice to get into, in my opinion.

If it's something you can't tolerate for the rest of this relationship, move on. There is someone else who will fulfill your EVERY need.

My .02 :flowerforyou:

spicy618

Danger Will Robinson!!!!! Trust me, if you are having this concern now, it does not improve with time, just the opposite. A relationship should not make your feel stupid and insecure, just the opposite! It may hurt initially, but don't invest any more time with him - trade up!

Exactly this!

ChrisStoney

He might just be nervous...you've only been together for 2 months so give it some time. Try talking with him about it. Maybe he had some sort of trauma in the past and it's hard for him to get past it. I doubt he's not attracted, he wouldn't be with you if he wasn't. Just don't jump to conclusions (like half of the people responding in this thread).

OK, keep dreaming.... they are in thier 20's and sleep tgether 3 nights a week for 2 months and had sex 2 times.... something is not right! Anyway goodnight going to see if I can get lucky tonight with my wife

I'm not dreaming, you are the one jumping to irrational conclusions! Something might be wrong with him, which is why I made the comment that he might of had some trauma in the past (like sexual abuse or in a past relationship), he may suffer from a hormone disorder, he may even be shy. Not every man in there 20's is a horn dog...But what should I expect from a patriots fan who talks about getting lucky with his wife on an online forum make himself look like a bad@$$...All I was trying to say is we don't know the answers, we don't even know the guy...so don't go drawing conclusions like you (and many others) in your first post. She needs to get off this forum and talk to the guy. He holds the answers to what she needs to know.

sunkisses

I couldn't date a guy with whom I'm not sexually compatible. I'll go with "he's not that into you". Perhaps after so many years as friends he's having a difficult time seeing you sexually. Either way, I'd be done. You can't make someone want it more than they do. Half the fun of a monogamous relationship for me is getting to have sex often.

ChrisStoney

Oops, no irrational conclusions, I happen to to know people who are in relationships that are platonic, and it is usually one way. If that is fine with the OP, then no problem. I am trying to relate that if she is not satisfied now, then she will be more hurt later. One guy told me he he had to have sexto get her to marry, now he sleeps in a seperate room, and has not been with her for 3 years, that is the way he wants it.

As for the Patriots- sounds like they beat someone's team, feel bad for you , Game on in 5 hours or so!! Go Pats!!

And a married guy can't get lucky with his wife?.... sounds like you might need 'help'

stylistchik

You've said you've known each other a long time, and that you hang out several nights a week. I'm sure you'd know by now if we had some horrible experience that got too fast too soon or something that would make him want to slow down. When you were friends, how close were you? Sometimes there is a point when a guy and girl are such close friends that even if you're attracted to one another, it feels weird to be intimate that way. I had a very good male friend whom I could see myself dating and we tried every few years but when it came to being intimate like that, it felt weird, like he was my brother or something. It sucked because we were so close and he was really cute and we had a lot of fun together but we realized we couldn't be in a romantic relationship.

I'd talk to him about it and find out, more than likely it's him and not you. It still sucks but you need an answer.

ironanimal

That man is broken. There's something very wrong with him. Especially as he's only 26.

You need to talk honestly with him and explain that it is indeed a problem for him to be snubbing you so often - even if he has medical or religious issues, this needs to be brought to attention. I honestly believe a long term relationship cannot survive without strong sexual attraction between both members of the couple - and for you to be continually rejected like that for no apparent reason will be demoralising and damaging.

YouAreTheShit

Trust me, it's one of these:

1) He watches too much porn and/or masturbates too much (i.e. creates diminished sexual desire for a partner) This is a major problem in our modern culture.

2) You're in the friend zone in his mind but he's too lazy to be honest and move on because he likes your companionship. This could include another girl in the picture.

3) Him being gay is a possibility too, but not likely.

Regardless, you need to move on. Don't settle, don't try to change him, don't be offended and fight with him, just move on.