probs w/ hubby. idk who to turn to need others opinion.

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123468

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  • saragato
    saragato Posts: 1,154
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    This thread is exactly why you don't ask for relationship advice over the internet from strangers. People take one paragraph and suddenly they believe they know your entire relationship, top to bottom, based on any bias they have such as past experiences or general attitude.

    OP, talk to the man, seriously. If it's enough to bother you, it's enough to mention to him. How it goes from there is up to both of you.
  • stacyjbaker1010
    stacyjbaker1010 Posts: 161 Member
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    Do you have children?
    Daughters?
    Sons?

    Would you want your daughters to learn that this how they should be treated by their husbands in the future?
    Would you want your sons to learn this how they should treat their wives in the future?

    I'm so sorry you are going through this. The end is the hardest part and even when it's the end, it's never really over. There is always drama of some sort. No one deserves to be treated this way. No matter what you are wearing.
  • 1WorkoutAtATime
    1WorkoutAtATime Posts: 719
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    Those are very strong words for any husband to say to his wife whom he supposed to love for any reason.
  • SafireBleu
    SafireBleu Posts: 881 Member
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    my hubby has grown more insecure with each losing pound so I can feel your pain........
    Mine has too but you know what he started WW with me. He didn't call me names or treat me the way her husband did. There needs to be a come to God talk with our without a counsellor. Next time he sees you in a tank what will he do come inside and hit you? You need to get your thoughts together and get prepared for the worst and have a talk with him. I'm not saying walk out. I think if you married him it was because you loved him and wanted this for every, him to, but you need a talk because that kind of behavior can't go on forever.
  • XXXMinnieXXX
    XXXMinnieXXX Posts: 3,459 Member
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    Been there.. Done this! He has NO respect for you, he will drag you down with him, leave before he does. I know some say this is drastic, but if a guy will treat you like that he doesn't deserve you. I hope its the last straw and you do leave x
  • chachita7
    chachita7 Posts: 996 Member
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    Just out of curiosity, has he seen your profile pic here - you might be calling attention to yourself that he is really not liking. In no way does it give him the right to called you names as such.

    He sounds jealous and insecure - there are deeper issues when a man is like that.
  • mollyjackson82
    mollyjackson82 Posts: 128
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    Not to side with your husband or you: but does he know what your profile picture looks like on here? Is he "jealous" over that as well? I know my fiance would not like me posting my boobs all over here, Facebook, or Twitter.

    Just throwing it out there....

    My husband is EXTREMELY passive and if I had a pic online of my bustline without even my face showing I *know* he would ask me what the purpose of that pic was. I can't think of any reason for posting that besides negative attention seeking.

    I just read these comments so I had to go look at your other pics as well. Hmmmm, maybe you are giving him legit issues.:noway:

    I don't know the whole story but the other pics you have on here wouldn't make my husband very happy either.
  • AlbertPooHoles
    AlbertPooHoles Posts: 530 Member
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    Not to side with your husband or you: but does he know what your profile picture looks like on here? Is he "jealous" over that as well? I know my fiance would not like me posting my boobs all over here, Facebook, or Twitter.

    Just throwing it out there....

    My husband is EXTREMELY passive and if I had a pic online of my bustline without even my face showing I *know* he would ask me what the purpose of that pic was. I can't think of any reason for posting that besides negative attention seeking.

    I just read these comments so I had to go look at your other pics as well. Hmmmm, maybe you are giving him legit issues.:noway:

    I don't know the whole story but the other pics you have on here wouldn't make my husband very happy either.
    They're great! You know, you can have up to 18.
  • sjmgde
    sjmgde Posts: 381 Member
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    Before throwing in the towel Try counsleing and see if that works or if things changes. There are bigger issues here than you in a wife beater. Some ppl on here are saying leave him or if i was ever talked to like that etc...they do not know what they would do if there in that position. So before giving up try counseling and see if that helps. Exhaust all means before Divorce. my response is based off just what you have said , obvisouly, ido not knwo all the details.

    they do not know what they would do if there in that position??? Um... yes, I do know EXACTLY what I would do. He crossed the line and disrespected you. You don't do that to someone you care about. Ditch him and look out for number 1 and your kids if you have any.

    You think you do but you do not knwo the full story you know her short version of a story and to get a divorce over a word before getting to the root of the problem is dumb. Things happen in a marriage things are said in a marriage that sometimes afteryou sayif you regret it. Do i agree with what he said no but do i belive that workiong at it is worht while yes. People are human and make mistakes and you do nto know the full story and either do it and i am sure in your lifetime you have disrespected someone you cared about
  • i_love_vinegar
    i_love_vinegar Posts: 2,092 Member
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    I think the best thing to do first is to list off what topics arguments are about
    then list what causes arguments about these topics.
    then try and find solutions to these...

    ex. Financial...insecurity (husbands part)...etc.

    I would suggest sitting down with your husband and instead of mentioning marriage counseling right off the bat, tell him that you felt really sad when he said that to you...first start off saying good things about him...try not to use the word "you" too often when talking about negative stuff. ex "you seem really mad lately," can be said, "I've noticed that there has been a lot of stress lately"

    "Honey, I know this happened a few days ago, but I still feel really sad about the other day...I really love you and you are the most wonderful person in the world to me. I want things to start getting better so we can both enjoy life together. I really care about you...is everything okay?" and take it from there.

    i hope this helps >.<

    ps: We must be looking at different pictures...because her pics look fine to me! She looks YOUNG and BEAUTIFUL...compared to quite a few 23 year olds i would not call her pics risqué!!!
  • a_acosta80
    a_acosta80 Posts: 43
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    My advice is that you should tell him that you want to attend marriage counseling. If he is unwilling, get out. There is a fundamental issue of respect. Mutual respect is key to a healthy relationship. If he respects you and your marriage, he will be willing to work together to improve your communication. If he is not interested, he will not change except to possibly escalate his behavior. Do not allow any man (husband or otherwise) to disrespect you and treat you as though he has the right to name call and make you feel bad. I've been married for 26 years...not always easy or great but I have always demanded mutual respect.


    Ditto!!!
  • dmpizza
    dmpizza Posts: 3,321 Member
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    Very sorry for you, but this guy has issues way beyond what I think you can possibly change.
  • misscristie
    misscristie Posts: 643 Member
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    Do you have children? If so, get counselling. If not, get out.
  • red_hatorade
    red_hatorade Posts: 166
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    Maybe I'm off, but an undershirt at work would have me fired in a minute. It's not professional, even if you are working the graveyard shift.
    I think calling you a slut was very, very, very wrong, but maybe he was attempting to tell you (in a very inefficient manner) that you are not dressed appropriately for work.

    Trying to justify this in any way is disgusting. Demeaning and disrespecting women in this manner should never be tolerated, but unfortunately in this society it is all too common. If the undershirt was an issue, it should be addressed by management, not by her husband. It isn't her husbands place to tell her what is inappropriate for work. You don't know where she works, and it sounds to me like she was probably working some sort of retail job while customers were not around.
  • 06gwensmamma
    06gwensmamma Posts: 17
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    How can we take this serious when your profile picture is your breasts??? Seriously??? :grumble:
  • lillenajane
    lillenajane Posts: 1 Member
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    Normally I just read these sorts of things... but given the website we are on and the topic of your message, I decided that for the 1st time ever, its time for me to reply on a message board.

    I try to be very person-focused whenever I give advice... which is hard given I know almost nothing about you or your marriage. I think people telling you that its over is a bit extreme... they might be right for a million reason, but we can't know that from just this one message board post. So, here is my thought on the matter, trying to use what little I can see about you..... You are someone who has done very well on this website-- You are a good fraction of the way to your goal weight, and as such, you are probably gaining confidence. So....
    1. Honesty is the best policy... butttt if you attack him for what he said he is going to get defensive immediately cuz THAT is human nature...regardless of whether we were right or wrong, we defend ourselves when someone comes at us with anything that sounds even remotely like an accusation..... soo.....
    2. take the high road-- I dont mean just grin and bear it, he was wrong to say such a cruel thing to a woman that he pledged to love and cherish for all eternity. But I have found in my life that it pays off to be the more mature person in any tense conversation.... so don't explode... don't use foul language... don't make accusations that are too broad to be backed up with sufficient examples as evidence...use "i" messages.. for instance "I was hurt by your comment" rather than "you hurt me with your comment"(this sounds less threatening and accusatory....and anyway the problem is in how he made you feel, not in what he said...... he could have said a million things...hell in a different context and a different tone those same words could have even been used positively... like in dirty talk..... the PROBLEM is that he hurt your feelings).....................and don't raise your voice or interrupt..... if you act like a kindergarten school teacher and patiently nicely express your thoughts, and reword it as many times as possible

    NOW, i know this sounds very hard to do AND like it would not be satisfying at all... but actually.... you will find over time that the other person starts to feel like an a-hole for shouting or cursing or slamming doors etc... to a person who is perfectly calm.... of course at first he will probably be all like WTF is up with you? why are you being so weird?... but as long as you explain the FOLLOWING*** they will eventually calm down and you will be able to talk it out like adults.

    ***YOU EXPLAIN: look, we have been fighting a lot lately, and I have realized that it all comes down to the fact that we are not communicating as well as we used to. this happens to couples all the time, cuz people change with age... but I said I would love and stand by you forever, and I meant it... so I wanna work on it and make sure we can go back to the beautiful romance we used to have. I wanna talk out the things we do that hurt one another and recreate that open communication we used to have. If you disagree with something I am doing, I don't want you to just huff and puff in silence until you are so pissed that you explode... no... i want us to be able to talk things out and work together to make each other happier... cuz 2 heads are better than one-- together we can overcome any obstacle

    REGARDING THE SHIRT: if you were uncomfortable with my outfit at work, thats fine-you are entitled to have your oppinion and I honestly do want to hear it and understand it... cuz I don't wake up in the morning thinking "what can I do to piss my husband off today... i really feel like ruining his mood"... but I was hurt by the approach you took to telling me your oppinion. you see, I had my reasons and my own opinions about why I wore that.... to me it wasnt a big deal because people wear that all the time... it was hot at work, and maybe all my weightloss has made me more confident so I finally felt good enough about myself again to start showing my arms in public.... If you had asked me why I was wearing this, and given me a chance to tell you this, then I would think you would be happy for me and proud of me for the confidence I am gaining back....and if you had other reasons for why you thought what I was wearing was innappropriate, then you could have told me them and if you felt very strongly about it, and it made you uncomfortable..... just say that, and out of love for you I would try my best to avoid doing that in the future... but I can't act on feelings I don't know about... so please... talk to me in person, like the smart and caring/concerned man that I married.

    1 last tip for this conversation--- if he starts innterrupting... dont shout over him.... either let him say what he is saying, or quietly say, "please let me finish real quick, I wanna hear what you are saying, but I don't want to lose my train of thought and forget what I was trying to explain."

    Also---- as for financial issues--- try to tackle them together---- talk out what kind of problems you have and what the options are.... I use Mint.com to manage my finances... its free and it lets me see where all of my money is going... and suggests ways to pay off my loans or get more interest in a new savings account... its a great service-- a very successful financal advisor and professor of finance/economics at georgetown university suggested it to me when i went to a lecture series he was presenting at..... hell if you really need to cut down spending, become a couponer... there are LOADS of tutorials online explaining how to do it :-)
  • MaximalLife
    MaximalLife Posts: 2,447 Member
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    So it's come to a point where there are daily arguments. Usually financial. But then he's been really controlling and jealous. Last night I worked a graveyard shift and went in uniform ( we didn't have to but I didn't know cuz I have never worked that shift) so it's stocking all night and I took off my uniform shirt with my reasons aside, let me tell u I had a black spaghetti strap under a white "wife beater" no bra was showing, no chest nothing but arms . So he shows up w his buddys to c if I wanna "eat" and sees me thru the window and calls me to tell me I look like a slut... A SLUT... Wtf a slit because I have nothing but an undershirt on working .... (with 3 guys and 1 other girl)
    I honestly don't c anything wrong with what I was wearing... But I could just b wrong. So I'm asking for others honest opinions please
    OUCH!
    He crossed a line here.

    Sure, I'd be uncomfortable if my wife were working late nights with 3 guys - darn right!
    And she'd be the same.
    We both talk openly about our attraction to others which is why we work hard to take measures not to be in situations where we're horny and alone with other people trying to work through our constant thoughts of sex.
    If I am around any lady with any kind of beauty, I am thinking of sex. That's just reality.
    And my wife is the same way.

    And please, no self-righteous snarking. I know my wife and I are not the only 2 people like this.
    So, sure I get his anxiety.

    But he crossed a line calling you out that way.
    You guys need to talk, affirm your love and sounds like he's very insecure, and sometimes that's a sign of projection.
    Has he been unfaithful to you?
    Anyway, good luck.
    Take hold of this now before it ruins the bond.
  • shalae1
    shalae1 Posts: 12
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    if your husband is calling you a slut, i would think he has some problems running deeper than your attire. it sounds like he could use some anger management counseling. best of luck to you.

    This won't get any better, especially when you're losing weight. Counciling is an absolute must. I divorced my husband over the same kind of ****. This sounds a lot like what was the beginning of the end for us. Doesn't mean it will be for you, tho. Just be careful, and seek professional help for him.
  • tsmith67
    tsmith67 Posts: 27
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    You are losing weight and becoming healthy. So I'd bet that you look much better now in a wife beater than you did before. Keep in mind, that even though people may INITIALLY support you in your efforts to live a better life, that encouragement can quickly turn into jealousy when you're actually successful at it. Because you two are married, I suggest you two communicate with each other and really get to the root of the problem and reach some sort of a compromise. If that doesn't work, than it may be time to let go and move on.

    ^^this
  • sjmgde
    sjmgde Posts: 381 Member
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    Not to side with your husband or you: but does he know what your profile picture looks like on here? Is he "jealous" over that as well? I know my fiance would not like me posting my boobs all over here, Facebook, or Twitter.

    Just throwing it out there....

    My husband is EXTREMELY passive and if I had a pic online of my bustline without even my face showing I *know* he would ask me what the purpose of that pic was. I can't think of any reason for posting that besides negative attention seeking.

    I just read these comments so I had to go look at your other pics as well. Hmmmm, maybe you are giving him legit issues.:noway:

    I don't know the whole story but the other pics you have on here wouldn't make my husband very happy either.

    I agree the pcis on your profile are really revealing adn some things should be left for your husband nto saying itis righ tbut maybe he feels that is disrespectful but putting your breasts out there. My husband would not be happy about that.

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