A question for the men

emmab0902

For men (ie adults!) how forward do you like a woman to be??

I am asking because the man I have just started seeing is incredibly shy and reticent, so much so that I had to ask him out after weeks of trying to decipher ambiguous comments and actions. Since then, (a week ago) we have been out three times, but I know (by his own admission) that he would need a lot of dutch courage to move things forward.

I am not one who likes to chase males, and have never ever asked a man out in my LIFE until now. So my question is where is the fine line between encouraging a man and being too intrusive??

1996gtstang

i dont mind a woman being forward, if im with a girl i really like im slow to put the moves on lol

Anayalata

Guys nowadays have balls made of goop. No confidence or courage. I too am at fault of this.

I think it's the woman's time to be forward if she is really into the guy. I wouldn't draw a line anywhere, but I'm not the type of guy to get put off by an overly forward woman. I know some guys are idiots, so it's up to you if you're willing to put up with the idiocy to see if they're worth the squeeze, so to speak.

DannyMussels

I don't mind a forward woman at all. Most of my relationships involve them coming up to me to talk.

After one or two attempts by her to hangout, I get the hint she's into me.
At which point I could take over and make plans or whatever else.

If you set up the last 2 or 3 hangouts, I'd say leave the next to him. Or suggest he think up something to do. At least that gives him the comfort of knowing you WANT to hang out, and arent gonna blow him off, so it should make things easier.

Otherwise don't invest too much time or worry into things you can't control.

flab2sixpack

OK, you asked for a man's POV so here's my .02 FWIW:

I've been single for close to 2.5 years... I had a girlfriend (much younger) for about 9 months but it didn't work out. At this point in my life, why even bother to ask a woman out at all? Seriously, the ladies close to my age, THAT ARE PHYSICALLY FIT AND TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES, are NOT looking for a nice guy... they're looking for Mr. Man with house, cars, boat, motorcycle, vacation home, blah blah blah... (the movie "Bad Teacher" comes to mind). LOL!

Why do I bring all that up?? Because, from THIS man's POV it's like women are trying on men like a pair of shoes... too finicky and just throw them back on the shelf if they don't like 1 little thing. So why in the world would ANY self-respecting man put himself out there, ask a woman out, only to have her disect everything about him (job, family, social status, money, car, etc)?? If ANY woman were to talk to me they would find out I'm a really nice person, quiet, shy, but just an all-around good guy. BUT, if *I* step up and talk to a woman, you would think it's the end of the world! Do women REALLY think we want the "go to hell" look??

So, if you LIKE this guy just make it known to him. If you're going to have to keep lifting him up daily, you may get really worn out though. The relationship dynamics are being set right now... could be that he just needs a little initial encouragement and eventually he'll be his normal self? You obviously like this guy so it must be worth waiting for him??

beduffbrickie

more forward the better, as im shy:blushing:

lacroyx

For men (ie adults!) how forward do you like a woman to be??

I am asking because the man I have just started seeing is incredibly shy and reticent, so much so that I had to ask him out after weeks of trying to decipher ambiguous comments and actions. Since then, (a week ago) we have been out three times, but I know (by his own admission) that he would need a lot of dutch courage to move things forward.

I am not one who likes to chase males, and have never ever asked a man out in my LIFE until now. So my question is where is the fine line between encouraging a man and being too intrusive??

I'm very shy, very little confidence and laid back. which to most women probably translates to "not interested" so yah. my only 2 relationships/girfriends, 1 serious and 1 very casual, they both were the forward types. i.e. asked me out first. etc. etc. once I get to know someone the shyness drops almost completely lol. it takes a while for me to feel comfortable around someone and come out of my shell.

chocolateandvodka

OK, you asked for a man's POV so here's my .02 FWIW:

I've been single for close to 2.5 years... I had a girlfriend (much younger) for about 9 months but it didn't work out. At this point in my life, why even bother to ask a woman out at all? Seriously, the ladies close to my age, THAT ARE PHYSICALLY FIT AND TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES, are NOT looking for a nice guy... they're looking for Mr. Man with house, cars, boat, motorcycle, vacation home, blah blah blah... (the movie "Bad Teacher" comes to mind). LOL!

Why do I bring all that up?? Because, from THIS man's POV it's like women are trying on men like a pair of shoes... too finicky and just throw them back on the shelf if they don't like 1 little thing. So why in the world would ANY self-respecting man put himself out there, ask a woman out, only to have her disect everything about him (job, family, social status, money, car, etc)?? If ANY woman were to talk to me they would find out I'm a really nice person, quiet, shy, but just an all-around good guy. BUT, if *I* step up and talk to a woman, you would think it's the end of the world! Do women REALLY think we want the "go to hell" look??

So, if you LIKE this guy just make it known to him. If you're going to have to keep lifting him up daily, you may get really worn out though. The relationship dynamics are being set right now... could be that he just needs a little initial encouragement and eventually he'll be his normal self? You obviously like this guy so it must be worth waiting for him??

...


in response: I'm one of these girls that look for the man who has the house, job, car, "stuff", etc. why?

because i'm superficial? not anymore than most... because i'm materialistic? not at all. because i'm spoiled and lazy? well... i am spoiled. but lazy? just the opposite. in fact, that's my justification.

i don't want anyone who might wind up expecting me to support him. I have no patience for ignorance, laziness, or complacency. At a glance, a person's social stature and financial profile is the best indicator of who they are and who they plan to be in life. Of course that all could change, but I don't plan to take the chance.

ETA: i say all this freely because I come with my OWN attractive résumé, and as a result tend to attract the slackers.

flab2sixpack

in response: I'm one of these girls that look for the man who has the house, job, car, "stuff", etc. why?

because i'm superficial? not anymore than most... because i'm materialistic? not at all. because i'm spoiled and lazy? well... i am spoiled. but lazy? just the opposite. in fact, that's my justification.

i don't want anyone who might wind up expecting me to support him. I have no patience for ignorance, laziness, or complacency. At a glance, a person's social stature and financial profile is the best indicator of who they are and who they plan to be in life. Of course that all could change, but I don't plan to take the chance.

ETA: i say all this freely because I come with my OWN attractive résumé, and as a result tend to attract the slackers.

Good luck with that, choc & vodka. Just as you want a man with all this "stuff" that doesn't amount to anything but just that... "stuff"... He too has the same expectatios of YOU. Gain a few pounds, maybe put on pregnancy weight, maybe lose your good job... you WILL be replaced by an updated, younger model with all the bells and whistles.

Reminds me of the girl that asked Tim Tebow to be her date to some military ball. Really??? If Mr. Tebow was just a "regular" guy like 99.99999% of us, she wouldn't even bother?? Who wants a girl like that?! But you did make a good point... you really shouldn't be supporting anyone! If the guy doesn't have a job and needs you to pay his rent and put gas in his car, well... that's a whole OTHER story!

[edit]
And re: being spoiled: you're going to miss out on park picnics with sandwiches, chips and drinks for $100/plate dinners at a fancy restaurants? I would also hate to be your S.O., you must be impossible to buy a gift for. You seem like the kind that looks at the value BEFORE the sentiment behind the giving.

committomittxoxo

I'm bumpin the *kitten* out of this thread... Dying to know what you guys think about this!!!! I'm totally forward with guys I like and I'm not afraid to tell them they're hot.. It's my personality.. I'm a "lady," but what's life without honesty?!?! BUUUUMP!!!

BuffERRN

Agreed! There are times when I want to be the MAN and plan and pay and blah blah blah... But sometimes it is refreshing to just go along for the ride with her plans... I like when women are forward- to me, its a total turn on! Confidence and independance are amazing features in a woman...

beduffbrickie

I'm bumpin the *kitten* out of this thread... Dying to know what you guys think about this!!!! I'm totally forward with guys I like and I'm not afraid to tell them they're hot.. It's my personality.. I'm a "lady," but what's life without honesty?!?! BUUUUMP!!!

where ya bin all my life?

GabeRami

I got to admit, I like the chase. There is always a thrill of the unknown. Granted, sometimes in the end its not all it's cracked up to be. However, there is something nice about being pursued too. For example, I'll be forward, but only for so long, if there is no pursuit back, or no attention, then I'm not going any further. Now, if a woman initiates it, that's always nice. Then you already know where you stand, and all you got to do is figure out how you feel about her. Which do I like more? Her pursuing is definitely the easiest way, but, I like the thrill!

asgard825

Nothing cooler for a guy than being the " pursued" -- go forward

AtticusFinch

For men (ie adults!) how forward do you like a woman to be??

I am asking because the man I have just started seeing is incredibly shy and reticent, so much so that I had to ask him out after weeks of trying to decipher ambiguous comments and actions. Since then, (a week ago) we have been out three times, but I know (by his own admission) that he would need a lot of dutch courage to move things forward.

I am not one who likes to chase males, and have never ever asked a man out in my LIFE until now. So my question is where is the fine line between encouraging a man and being too intrusive??

Well that's quite generalist advice stemming from an encounter with someone who is abnormally shy, so anything you glean here probably won't apply directly to this individual. It sounds like you're going to have to do most of the driving with him. Has he had many girlfriends, because if not he could become fixated with you - ie if you later decide he's not for you, he may not accept that easily.

Speaking for myself I like a woman to be confident, occasionally assertive. I don't like bossy, and presecriptive people - eg: people who say we do it *my* way because that's what I like and you will too, I know best.

Generally though, although we appreciate a little mystery most men want women to say what they mean, not say the opposite of what they want and expect us to guess. Male ego, (and we all have one even if we're liberally minded), also means that if we think we're being controlled too much, we'll react negatively.

duharvalgt

I like them to be quite forward as unfortunately I am rubbish at understanding signals

flab2sixpack

I like them to be quite forward as unfortunately I am rubbish at understanding signals

+1

chrishgt4

In response to girls wanting guys with higher status etc - there's nothing wrong with that I don't think - that is totally natural coming from old caveman days - women wanted to be with the leader of the group.

The cool thing about it though, is really all they want is a bit of confidence (that is not arrogance by the way) - it's amazing how looks and all that other stuff don't matter if a guy has the confidence to just chat to them - and don't chat to them like you want to get in their pants, that is totally see through. In fact sex has to be the last thing on your mind - you're just chatting to them cos they might be cool and fun to know - at the end of the day if you are as cool a person as you say you are then they have as much to gain by knowing you as vice versa.

So - if you're the guy who needs to be chased you're putting yourself at a major disadvantage straight away.

Which brings me to the original question - if I were you I'd have a bit of a chat with him, there's nothing like honesty. If he is low on confidence for whatever reason - it doesn't matter how obvious you make a hint that you like him - he won't believe it. If you are nice to him - that could be because you like him in a sexual way, it could be because you think he's nice as a friend. A guy with low confidence will assume the friend option because he won't believe someone like you would possibly be into someone like him. Even though you're out with him. He will think it's because you have nothing better to do, or because you feel sorry for him, or that at any possible moment he's going to get that dreaded text saying it's over (or even worse just no more texts again).

So depending on if you think you can put up with that, maybe just have a frank conversation along the lines of 'I think you're cool and I'd like to go out with you more times, but if you don't ask me, I'm not going to keep chasing you'

Then leave it in his hands, but know that you can't change him - so if you feel you need a 'real' man, he's probably not it.

Matt_Wild

As forward as they like to be. Nothing better than a woman telling you what she wants and taking it. Nothing less sexy than a woman completely inhibited and looking like a rabbit in the headlights...

Scott613

Some people will tell you what they want and others will take it.

Wayne Gretzky said it best " You miss 100% of the shots you don't take"

It goes for men and women if they're not attracted to you it won't matter how forward you are with them. You're still gonna get shut down. With that said letting somebody know you're intrested is the easiest way to know if you have a chance or not.If you don't oh well life goes on, if you do good for you life goes on..

mrlazy1967

If he is shy you need to take charge