"Fighting" with my wife!

pamary

Congrats on following your dreams. My suggestion would be that rather than talking about the Sunday night exercise class, you go home and talk about what your marriage should look like now that your children are gone. How much time does she want to spend wiith you? What other activities could you both do that she would enjoy also - perhaps reading the same book, playing some card games, words with friends? How should the household chores be split? Do you need permission to schedule events with friends or yourself? Are some nights ok and others a no? (My husband and I keep Friday and Sat night as ours - rarely separate activities)
Sounds like you love each other - go home with a coffee for her and let her know you love her and have a meaningful discussion.

Jencush44

Ultimately, it is complete selfishness. I know from experience! When you were not taking care of yourself, you were making selfish decisions even then. You were only putting your own desires or lack there of, as priority. Now that you are making lifestyle changes, it appears that you again are only considering yourself. You mentioned that you have offered to do any type of "exercise" that she desired...That is your current desire, obviously not hers! You seem very disconnected with your wife and very connected with yourself. Maybe she needs you to desire her rather than yourself. Sex can be a great calorie burner! And sure beats round 2 after starbucks (lattes aren't the healthiest desire as well). I believe it you would consider your partner (because two became one) in your decisions and desires, you would be making a huge step for your future. Because isn't that ultimately why you are changing your lifestyle, to have a longer life with her? This really isn't about how you exercise or when you exercise or if you exercise! You've just made it all about exercise rather that about the two of you. I am only trying to point out what I see as the possible problem, "YOU". Always put God first, your marriage second...then you can put your do jo???? Your starbucks and your martial arts instructor may be your new future (hope he's cute & understanding). Your wife and you will be in my prayers

angieleighbyrd

I would have consulted with her first. My marriage is so 50/50 that I even consult with him before buying lipstick. No I don't have to, I just feel like it's the right thing to do. But I'm not saying it's right for everyone. It just what works in my marriage.

forest0spirit555

Wow. What a hard position you are put in. First let me say staying true to yourself in any relationship is an absolute necessity. Although woman can become clingy (i have been guilty many times) this is an unhealthy behavior. The time when my boyfriend and I sat down and came to an understanding over what our values where and we understood that both of us have a duty to ourselves to be who we are. you should not have to concede because your wife wants you home. I would try talking to her about how this is a lifestyle change, your not going to stop being healthy in order to be home, and I would suggest possibly having her go out and do something nice for herself. If she wants you home because she is bored or lonely she honestly needs to find something to do. I know that sounds harsh and I'm sorry. But in all honesty I have so many likes and interests that if my boyfriend does decide to go do something that I dont want to join him I have a LIST of things I could get done in our time apart, and he does the same when I go and do things that he doesnt want to do (such as exercising).

rsmblue

As this is important to me my wife will most likely relent as she wants me to be happy and content. As I will most likely make some other change so that we can spend more time together. Perhaps a scheduled date night every week or so? Or some other time that we can share just between the two of us.

Just make sure you keep your end of the "deal"

DietPep1978

I haven't read any of the other posts.

Good for you for waking up and realizing life will end, every day is a gift!

Sounds like you and your wife have been together for a long time, having young adult kids and all.

Maybe give her some time? Explain what you've just explained here, if you haven't alread. If you have, maybe say it in a different way. Maybe she'll just get up and join you? Maybe start small with her? Walks only. Maybe there is something behind the "relaxing" part? I'm not sure what age she is, but maybe life is changing for her in other ways (body changes) which is also hormonal.

I think if you've made it through kids...you can make it through this!

I hear you, I'd be ROYALLY peeved if my hubby ever stopped me from doing something I really really wanted, especially if it was for the better in any way. Of course I take him into consideration, and I hope he does the same, but its rare either of us puts our foot down. We are going on 17 years of being together.

All the best!

DietPep1978

My husband sits on the couch and cusses at the government. I wish he would go do something! lol

LOL Mine too!

So does mine! But he does have an extremely physical job so I have to be understanding. It is a little irritating though, I've been known to mutter 'please get a job where you don't just sit and sleep when you get home'. He has improved over the last few years at doing "family activity", it would be great if we could do more things together!

Josie_lifting_cats

I read some of the replies, but I can honestly throw in my personal experience here.

My husband goes to the gym. It's an expense that is slightly irritating, because as a "young" family, it's something that sometimes feels unaffordable. But then again, so are other things that we and I do, so I remind myself of that and let it go.

Also, having a preschooler and a toddler, working more than full time myself, running my son to and from school.... I feel like my days are non-stop, all day every day. I don't know about her situation, but for me there are days when I look at the clock and realize it's 4:00 and my husband is getting off work, but he won't be home for another hour and a half (or more!) Having been with my kids all day, answering my phone all day, working all day, possibly in the car most of the day, it's like taking a full time 9 hour job, taking away the lunch break, and then making it extremely high stress, every day. So some days I'm very unhappy about the extra time, because I already am so run down by 4 that I just want to cry. Then make it 6, add in making dinner and eating dinner, and it sometimes literally seems like my husband comes home to eat and put the kids to bed. Granted, you don't have the little kids to deal with, but not knowing her schedule, it's hard to say.

Working out in the evenings is also unappealing. My friends invite me to zumba ALL.THE.TIME. I get it, and I want to do it - just not at 7 o'clock at night. At that time I'm prepping my babies for bed, tidying up from dinner, prepping for the next day, and often just chilling with my husband. And yeah, sometimes that involves the TV, and yeah, to some people that might not sound fun to stay home with my family EVERY EVENING, but I can't think of a better place to be, honestly. Even when I do plan on doing evening stuff I often don't want to tear myself away from home. Part of that may be that I'm running all day every day, I don't know.

But my point with the evenings at home thing is that she very well may be like me - she'd rather be home with you than anywhere else. And she might not be saying it, but it might hurt that you don't feel the same way. And yeah, that's selfish, and we hate to admit it, and I personally try to keep my mouth shut about it as much as possible, but sometimes I'd like to know that my husband's favorite thing to do is spend time at home with me, too.

janeite1990

Thanks one and all for your thoughts & opinions.

I realize today that I have broken the first & most fundamental rules of the internet.

DON'T POST WHEN YOU ARE UPSET/ANGRY!

First, my wife is a beautiful person and I will love her always! Yesterday we had a disagreement. As anyone who is married knows this happens from time to time.

My wife is also the kindest and most understanding person I have ever met! I am now and always will be lucky to be married to her.

As many people pointed out. I TOLD her I was going to the class and then she TOLD me I could not. Shame on both of us! If it makes anyone feel better, a majority of the shame on me!

With regards to our "argument" and my leaving the house. At the time our discussion was going no where. I did not leave the house in a huff mid-sentence. I told her that I needed some air and I told her where I was going. So there were no fireworks when I got home.

Both my wife and I had busy, tiresome days yesterday that were at the end of a long week. So, we were not as considerate of each others thoughts and opinions as we should have been. Again, this happens. We are fortunate in that after 21 years of marriage it does not happen often.

As for the suggestions regarding my mid-life crisis. You are probably correct. But, regardless of the reasons. I have found something that I have a passion for and something where I think I can achieve some success. And, this activity is one where I am gaining a sense of self improvement.

As for the future, who knows. My wife and I will discuss this again and we will work it out as we always do. This is not a marriage ending issue! Just a disagreement between spouses. As this is important to me my wife will most likely relent as she wants me to be happy and content. As I will most likely make some other change so that we can spend more time together. Perhaps a scheduled date night every week or so? Or some other time that we can share just between the two of us.

Thanks again for the thoughtful suggestions & opinions.

Well said!Best of luck working it out!

Nopedotjpeg

It's called communication. Do it. Derp.

carolann_22

Translation from her: DUDE you aren't spending time with me. I DON'T want to workout to spend time with you, I just want to spend time with you.

A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Absolutely!!

birdlover97111

I think part of the problem was going ahead and doing it on your own, without consulting her. I think if you had, there would have been a more reasonable discussion about it.

Relationships always require some sacrifice, and at the end of the day, you have to decide if sticking with a certain stance is going to be worth whatever the fallout is.

Maybe you and your wife can workout a solution where if she lets you take the class, you agree to do an activity with her that she's wanted you to do but you haven't made time for. This way, you're making sure you still have the time you need with your family.

I think both you and the wife are probably being a little selfish, and if you sit down and try to work out a compromise, it would be a good idea.

^This. Yes, it's your life, but you are also a life partner.

Amen to the above..!!

NatalieWinning

Translation from her: DUDE you aren't spending time with me. I DON'T want to workout to spend time with you, I just want to spend time with you.

A.C.E. Certified Personal Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

Absolutely!!

Yep, to this. It's hard to find a balance and find time for you. Have you tried Date Night? And be the one that plans it and carries it out no matter what. Make it happen.

GTOgirl1969

You're being selfish. Proud of you for being healthy, but your lifestyle change was too drastic and evidently not completely with the real world in mind. Get over yourself and back to reality. You have a family. Nothing more needs to be said.

He may be being selfish, but so is she by forbidding him to take the class. Is she his wife or his mother? Mature, reasonable ADULTS in a marriage/committed relationship don't forbid one another to do things, they sit down and try to find a solution that works for both.

Maybe she sees your lifestyle changes as a threat and she's trying to keep you from "running away"? Or she's just upset that you didn't run it by her first? Or, maybe SHE is the one that needs to "get over herself" and realize that marriage does not equal togetherness 24/7. Sorry for being so blunt, but she sounds as if she is a bit jealous and/or insecure. I hope you two can arrive at a workable solution.

SMarie10

It's really unfortunate she wouldn't join you at the gym or with a workout. I'm so impressed when I see couples at the gym. They are not hanging all over each other, but they are encouraging each other and spotting on the strength training routine. I'm not married, so hard to relate, but I'd expect a compromise is in order. Good luck.

Iamkim73

I say dump her *kitten*... If she isn't going to let you do whatever you want..... whenever you want to.... No point in being together!

Ok I'm being a smart *kitten* here.... Obviously this is not an option!

There is more to this story!!!

Cool off ......then go talk it out with her..... listen to what she has to say without trying to change her position...... Then ask her to do the same....... If you both feel like you are being valued and respected, you guys will figure it out.

XXXMinnieXXX

I'm glad you seem to have resolved it in the end. We all sound off sometimes. I think you received some pretty unfair criticism. You clearly love your wife and want to make her happy, but want time for yoou too. This is all part of a healthy relationship. Its great your fighting to get fit. Its never too late. I wasn't too into exercise when I met my partner, we started with walks. Did us good as a couple and family, very bonding. Now I think I love exercise more than him. Keep encouraging her because clearly like me you can see how much exercise can add to your life. Keep to your word with date nights though, as it is important and in my experience normally wears off a week or two down the line. I feel certain you'll both be just fine! X

SueGremlin

you already knew she wasn't fully on board with your fitness plan, and that's why you didn't discuss it with her. you knew she would say no, so you went behind her back and signed up anyway. then when she was finally told about you joining, she got upset, and you ran off like a 5 year old to starbucks to avoid confrontation. you are so lucky you're not in a relationship with me. you're clothes would be on the front lawn and the house locks would be changed. i do NOT tolerate people going behind my back or backing down from confrontation. i think you need to reevaluate your priorities. i fully support your wife in any brash decisions she may make in the future. i hope she leaves you so you can spend all your new found free time at the gym with all the other jocks and gym bunnies.

sorry, i'm a little harsh, but i will not hide what i feel. your wife deserves better.

Really? You think it's really ok for her to dictate what he can do? I guess I really do not understand this.

he needs to discuss things with her. a marriage is a joint contract. he probably wouldn't like her running off somewhere all the time without telling him, so why is he allowed to do that? this is just a boil over of things building up. they need to open the lines of communication, both ways. and then for him to run off and not try to fix the situation is cowardice.

I think it is more wrong for her to try to control what he can and cannot do, but I do agree that this, as I said earlier, is a symptom of a relationship problem.
I would never expect my husband to tell me that I must get his permission if I wanted to take a class.

I guess not everyone has a supportive relationship though. I actually find it quite appalling.

i guess i don't understand why anyone wouldn't tell their significant other about anything. my boyfriend and i share everything.

example: i'm going to the gym and out to eat with a friend today. he knows what gym, what friend, what eatery, and what time.

he didn't ask what i was doing today, i just felt like he deserved to know. he tells me things the same way. i can't understand how people keep things from their partner. why would you do that? are you so afraid of their response that you refuse to tell them?

I don't think it's about keeping anything from her. This fight started because he did tell her. It's about checking with her and asking her permission before signing up for the class that is 90 minutes once a week.
I don't want to be married to someone who insists that I get his permission and blessing every time I want to do something that doesn't involve him.

SueGremlin

It's called communication. Do it. Derp.

The thing is, he did communicate it to her.

paisley2288

I say dump her *kitten*... If she isn't going to let you do whatever you want..... whenever you want to.... No point in being together!

Ok I'm being a smart *kitten* here.... Obviously this is not an option!

so glad that was sarcasm. hahaha i was about to say whaaat?!

paisley2288

It's called communication. Do it. Derp.

The thing is, he did communicate it to her.

After he signed up. If you read his previous posts, it seems as if he spends the majority of his time working out or doing something that doesn't include his wife. She doesn't like working out at a gym... neither do I. I'd rather do it in the privacy of my own home. I'm not married, though, so I can't really offer any good advice.

OP, you are old enough to know that in order to make a marriage work you have to spend quality time together. As I said I am not married but even I know that. I don't want my future husband to spend every free moment he has at a gym. I'd like to do things together, even athletic things. Go for a hike, go for a walk, go bicycling. There are lots of exercise-related things that you could do with HER instead of taking a class at a gym. Maybe she is worried about the price, if it isn't included in your membership. Maybe that's why she is saying no. We are only hearing one side of this.

burg1801

I say dump her *kitten*... If she isn't going to let you do whatever you want..... whenever you want to.... No point in being together!

... Obviously this is not an option!

Skeemer118

Look deep, my guess is there is something much larger at issue.

^Yup

SunshineT83

It's interesting to hear the Husband's side for me. So often as a woman I have found myself "lost" in my family that I couldn't begin to tell you who I was or even who I hoped to be. I definitely commend you for taking control of your life and your health again. And you're right, she probably IS feeling left out. But I doubt that she will feel as though she is actually spending time with YOU by going to an aerobic class at the same time. There's no way to "rediscover" each other in a room with so many other people jumping around and sweating. I'm not saying that you should stay home with her slobbering in front of the television. but maybe now that your children are able to take care of themselves it's time to date your wife again. Maybe she's in need of some intimacy in order to feel like a vital part of your life again. From a woman's point of view she could very well be feeling as though she no longer means the world to you because you now mean the world to you. She's looking for you to put her first in some compartment of your life again. I'm sure she's highly excited about you being healthy and adding years to your life, but I'm sure she's feeling left behind in your world as well. Good luck resolving your problem.

Never2Bz

It doesn't matter what we think... I don't even think you should have posted your communication problems on the community site. Start talking to your "life partner" (the mother of your children) and work things out. You two are the only ones who really know what is going on.

rayvaughn76

I can't help but think that if the OP was female, and it was the husband "forbidding" her from taking an extra class, this thread would look very, very different.

Chubbyhulagirl

I can't help but think that of the OP was female, and it was the husband "forbidding" her from taking an extra class, this thread would look very, very different.

I thought the exact same thing! Wife is letting her own selfishness and insecurities get in the way. Couples dont have to spend all their time together. She should get her own hobbies if she doesnt want to work out or accept that he would rather be moving then sitting at home doing nothing. Especially if her idea of spending time together is watching tv, not saying a word to one another.
If it were opposite, the husband would be getting blasted, but since its the wife, he needs to understand and give in to her.

Rickly

I think OP should be able to spend his free time any way he wants, within his marriage vows, safety, etc. But is this equality? If his wife has the same amount of time that's all hers to spend how she wishes, I'd think it would be equality. I would suggest the two negotiate what "free time" is, and how much each will take independently of each other, and then the issue "should" be finished. If the wife values that particular time of each week that her husband wants to take a class, then there's conflict of another sort. All in all, I think the husband should be able to take this class, but he should have approached his wife with more sensitivity to her needs and wants, not just made a one-way announcement to her. I also agree with all the posters here who say there are probably other issues at work here as well. ad infinitum, actually...

marasw

If my husband signed up for a fitness class I would be thrilled...I would also not expect him to "consult" me first. He is an adult and can make his own decisions...

I also think it's very odd that a few days ago there was a thread up about a woman who was mad at her husband for forbidding her from doing something a LOT more pointless (putting a steering wheel cover on their family car) and everyone attacked the husband saying he was abusive and controlling and she should get out now...but in this situation the OP is being called selfish? Something doesn't seem right about that.

trijoe

You're being selfish. Proud of you for being healthy, but your lifestyle change was too drastic and evidently not completely with the real world in mind. Get over yourself and back to reality. You have a family. Nothing more needs to be said.

This is an absolute load of bullish!t.

I have the same problems sometimes. My wife was the one who put her foot down all those years ago that I needed to start living a healthy life, so my kids wouldn't see me die before my time. I did as she instructed. And the results have been better than either of us were expecting. At the same time there have been unforeseen consequences. My method of exercise is triathlon, mainly. This means bikes and cycling gear, running gear, swimming gear and pool expenses, oh jeez has it gotten costly from time to time. There are "lost weekends" devoted to endurance building.

Like you I love my family dearly, and was willing to do what my wife directed. I've lost roughly 75 pounds since she put her foot down, my health has improved exponentially, I've cut WAAYYYYYY back on my drinking, so you'd think she'd be happy. But even she didn't think the trade-off would come to this. And it's caused some pretty big fights. She's not happy that I'm not around and/or blowing the family budget for some new gear/gadget, and I'm defensive that she's angry with me since I'm doing this for her. When we're able to work through things, we try to find a middle ground that looks something like this: She tries to remember that the original situation could always come back - and that was still worse. And I try to remember that my healthy active life doesn't have to happen at the expense of my amazing family. It should actually happen WITH them.

Good luck finding your middle ground. It can be done, but it's tough. And don't be surprised if every so often you have to re-find it.