"Fighting" with my wife!

cuddlyrunner

bump and hope you come back to tell us what happened when you went home.

SueGremlin

I realize from reading this thread that my relationship is maybe not typical? If my husband signed up for something I would not expect him to have to check with me first. He's married but he's still his own person and shouldn't have to look to me for permission to do something. Same goes for me.
I would find it extremely disturbing if he FORBADE me from doing something I wanted to do.

And I would see that as extremely disrespectful of MY wishes. If he had a problem, we would be able to talk about it, but there is no "putting your foot down" in my relationship.

bear_nakey

I have the same problem with my husband! It most likely boils down to communication first, decision making second. I respect that my hubs wants to come home from work and flop down in front of the TV, that's his choice. BUT. . . on the same notion, when offered to do things together, he declined just as your wife did. I have mentioned my efforts to include him in things, and it was his choice to not join. Basically, what we have been doing lately is he comes with me to one activity, which is usually taking kids to the park and actually playing instead of watching or going for a walk, etc. And I watch an episode of his choice for an hour a week ( aside from one show once a week, I don't watch TV). I disagree with another post, compromise is NOT about giving something up, it is about reaching an acceptable agreement where both parties can have their needs met. Offer a solution like that and see if it happens. Is it a cure all?! No. but it is a start in the right direction, for us anyway!

SueGremlin

By the way, I would see this conflict as a symptom of a larger problem. It's not about the class.

robinogue

Personally I think know that you've had time to cool off go home & talk to
your wife. Express how important this is to you, maybe all this working out is making her jealous. Maybe she's afraid with your new lifestyle you won't be satisfied with your old life.. There maybe a deeper issue that only talking will help. Forbidding well that's a whole different story there.. My husband is like your wife except he's know retired to sit on his behind 24/7. He has no interest in working out, nothing. I've tried walks in the park, beach nada, nothing! He gave me a hard time with my activities outside the house. I sat him down and explained my feeling, sure enough he assumed I'd leave him for a man my age (he's 24 years older than me). Once I opened up those gates of communication things have been better. He's more understanding about my workout classes.

Good luck to you!

SueGremlin

You're being selfish. Proud of you for being healthy, but your lifestyle change was too drastic and evidently not completely with the real world in mind. Get over yourself and back to reality. You have a family. Nothing more needs to be said.

I very very strongly disagree that he is being selfish.

rugbyphreak

you already knew she wasn't fully on board with your fitness plan, and that's why you didn't discuss it with her. you knew she would say no, so you went behind her back and signed up anyway. then when she was finally told about you joining, she got upset, and you ran off like a 5 year old to starbucks to avoid confrontation. you are so lucky you're not in a relationship with me. you're clothes would be on the front lawn and the house locks would be changed. i do NOT tolerate people going behind my back or backing down from confrontation. i think you need to reevaluate your priorities. i fully support your wife in any brash decisions she may make in the future. i hope she leaves you so you can spend all your new found free time at the gym with all the other jocks and gym bunnies.

sorry, i'm a little harsh, but i will not hide what i feel. your wife deserves better.

gentlebreeze2

Why I Want To Get In Shape

I want to get back to the active and interesting life I had in my youth. Biking, hiking, camping, canoeing, rock climbing and swimming were a regular part of my youth. At 40 I could not climb 2 flights of stairs without stopping to catch my breath.
This had to change!

Remember posting this on your profile ? I want to get back to the active and interesting life I had in my youth...That sounds like you have hit mid life crisis...

Your Journey in life now has changed ...your relationship with your wife and children ...in your mind is over ...that is how it comes accross to me .

So just what your wife must be thinking now....is for you to communicate instead of walking out in a huff ...every marriage has ups and downs ....But now when the children have left ...you and your wife should be planning new challenges ...not going seperate ways.
A wise person once said ( If you dont look after your partner ... there is always some one else that will ) ....

I read all the posts with interest, but hadn't planned on sharing my opinion, until I read this one. I looked at your age and thought unless someone had seen mid-life crisis, they may not recognize the signs. It's awesome that you want to take good care of yourself... but it would be interesting to hear how your wife sees this. When my ex went thru this I called it the Peter Pan syndrome. I was willing to work thru things, but he started looking at women much younger (as in girls his daughters age). When his daughter got married, he declined to walk her down the isle. There are two sides to every disagreement. At face value, it looks like you 2 need to sit down and talk. You tell me if there is more going on here.

SueGremlin

you already knew she wasn't fully on board with your fitness plan, and that's why you didn't discuss it with her. you knew she would say no, so you went behind her back and signed up anyway. then when she was finally told about you joining, she got upset, and you ran off like a 5 year old to starbucks to avoid confrontation. you are so lucky you're not in a relationship with me. you're clothes would be on the front lawn and the house locks would be changed. i do NOT tolerate people going behind my back or backing down from confrontation. i think you need to reevaluate your priorities. i fully support your wife in any brash decisions she may make in the future. i hope she leaves you so you can spend all your new found free time at the gym with all the other jocks and gym bunnies.

sorry, i'm a little harsh, but i will not hide what i feel. your wife deserves better.

Really? You think it's really ok for her to dictate what he can do? I guess I really do not understand this.

terrellc1

I realize from reading this thread that my relationship is maybe not typical? If my husband signed up for something I would not expect him to have to check with me first. He's married but he's still his own person and shouldn't have to look to me for permission to do something. Same goes for me.
I would find it extremely disturbing if he FORBADE me from doing something I wanted to do.

And I would see that as extremely disrespectful of MY wishes. If he had a problem, we would be able to talk about it, but there is no "putting your foot down" in my relationship.

This.

rugbyphreak

you already knew she wasn't fully on board with your fitness plan, and that's why you didn't discuss it with her. you knew she would say no, so you went behind her back and signed up anyway. then when she was finally told about you joining, she got upset, and you ran off like a 5 year old to starbucks to avoid confrontation. you are so lucky you're not in a relationship with me. you're clothes would be on the front lawn and the house locks would be changed. i do NOT tolerate people going behind my back or backing down from confrontation. i think you need to reevaluate your priorities. i fully support your wife in any brash decisions she may make in the future. i hope she leaves you so you can spend all your new found free time at the gym with all the other jocks and gym bunnies.

sorry, i'm a little harsh, but i will not hide what i feel. your wife deserves better.

Really? You think it's really ok for her to dictate what he can do? I guess I really do not understand this.

he needs to discuss things with her. a marriage is a joint contract. he probably wouldn't like her running off somewhere all the time without telling him, so why is he allowed to do that? this is just a boil over of things building up. they need to open the lines of communication, both ways. and then for him to run off and not try to fix the situation is cowardice.

SueGremlin

you already knew she wasn't fully on board with your fitness plan, and that's why you didn't discuss it with her. you knew she would say no, so you went behind her back and signed up anyway. then when she was finally told about you joining, she got upset, and you ran off like a 5 year old to starbucks to avoid confrontation. you are so lucky you're not in a relationship with me. you're clothes would be on the front lawn and the house locks would be changed. i do NOT tolerate people going behind my back or backing down from confrontation. i think you need to reevaluate your priorities. i fully support your wife in any brash decisions she may make in the future. i hope she leaves you so you can spend all your new found free time at the gym with all the other jocks and gym bunnies.

sorry, i'm a little harsh, but i will not hide what i feel. your wife deserves better.

Really? You think it's really ok for her to dictate what he can do? I guess I really do not understand this.

he needs to discuss things with her. a marriage is a joint contract. he probably wouldn't like her running off somewhere all the time without telling him, so why is he allowed to do that? this is just a boil over of things building up. they need to open the lines of communication, both ways. and then for him to run off and not try to fix the situation is cowardice.

I think it is more wrong for her to try to control what he can and cannot do, but I do agree that this, as I said earlier, is a symptom of a relationship problem.
I would never expect my husband to tell me that I must get his permission if I wanted to take a class.

I guess not everyone has a supportive relationship though. I actually find it quite appalling.

cygnetpro

Exactly how much time do you spend working out or on your fitness?

I would be pissed, but only if my hub pretty much never spent QUALITY focused time with me. Love is simply not enough- marriage needs effort and women need attention.

I was wondering this, also. Some friends of mine had a similar issue (they are divorced now). He was an ironman triathlete. He trained ALL THE TIME. Everything else fell to her, and they had young children (I know, yours are grown). If you had asked him, he would have said, "I help at home a lot! I'm a great dad!" He also would have said, "Improving my physical health makes me a better spouse and dad."

But in the end it really just made him an absent spouse, and left him with a resentful wife.

I'm not saying that's what's at play here, but it had a familiar ring to it.

Lovinglife12

I have the same problem with my husband! It most likely boils down to communication first, decision making second. I respect that my hubs wants to come home from work and flop down in front of the TV, that's his choice. BUT. . . on the same notion, when offered to do things together, he declined just as your wife did. I have mentioned my efforts to include him in things, and it was his choice to not join. Basically, what we have been doing lately is he comes with me to one activity, which is usually taking kids to the park and actually playing instead of watching or going for a walk, etc. And I watch an episode of his choice for an hour a week ( aside from one show once a week, I don't watch TV). I disagree with another post, compromise is NOT about giving something up, it is about reaching an acceptable agreement where both parties can have their needs met. Offer a solution like that and see if it happens. Is it a cure all?! No. but it is a start in the right direction, for us anyway!

That is what I meant by compromise.:-) OP and his wife need to come to an agreement to where he can have his work outs and classes and she is still getting the attention she deserves. My husband did not give soccer up, he just plays on one team and instead of playing smack in the middle of the day Sunday to where we could never plan anything as a family, he plays early in the morning so when he gets home, we have the rest of the day to hang out. I would never make him give up something he loves.

HauteP1nk

I think a lot of people forget that when they are in a marriage they should consult the other person. While I don't necessarily agree that she forbid you to do anything I do believe that she did so because she is obviously upset by being left out...

And honestly, how much time are you working out? Are you pulling your weight around the house? Do you spend time with your wife?

I am only hearing one side of the story so it is hard to really know for sure where the problem lies...

Have you considered trying to get involved in activities with your wife? She could be feeling left out...maybe she wants to workout with you too? You should join something with her. She could maybe be fearful that your new healthy lifestyle will take you away from her in the long run (i.e. lead to new friends, relationships, etc). Maybe she is scared the two of you will grow apart.

rugbyphreak

you already knew she wasn't fully on board with your fitness plan, and that's why you didn't discuss it with her. you knew she would say no, so you went behind her back and signed up anyway. then when she was finally told about you joining, she got upset, and you ran off like a 5 year old to starbucks to avoid confrontation. you are so lucky you're not in a relationship with me. you're clothes would be on the front lawn and the house locks would be changed. i do NOT tolerate people going behind my back or backing down from confrontation. i think you need to reevaluate your priorities. i fully support your wife in any brash decisions she may make in the future. i hope she leaves you so you can spend all your new found free time at the gym with all the other jocks and gym bunnies.

sorry, i'm a little harsh, but i will not hide what i feel. your wife deserves better.

Really? You think it's really ok for her to dictate what he can do? I guess I really do not understand this.

he needs to discuss things with her. a marriage is a joint contract. he probably wouldn't like her running off somewhere all the time without telling him, so why is he allowed to do that? this is just a boil over of things building up. they need to open the lines of communication, both ways. and then for him to run off and not try to fix the situation is cowardice.

I think it is more wrong for her to try to control what he can and cannot do, but I do agree that this, as I said earlier, is a symptom of a relationship problem.
I would never expect my husband to tell me that I must get his permission if I wanted to take a class.

I guess not everyone has a supportive relationship though. I actually find it quite appalling.

i guess i don't understand why anyone wouldn't tell their significant other about anything. my boyfriend and i share everything.

example: i'm going to the gym and out to eat with a friend today. he knows what gym, what friend, what eatery, and what time.

he didn't ask what i was doing today, i just felt like he deserved to know. he tells me things the same way. i can't understand how people keep things from their partner. why would you do that? are you so afraid of their response that you refuse to tell them?

NYCDutchess

When my ex-wife did this to me, it wasn't about working out less, or spending more time with her or the kids, it was all about CONTROL. Personally, I will never tell my wife she can or can't do something, nor could I ever forbid her to do something.

Look deep, my guess is there is something much larger at issue.

This

DorothyR87

I woudln't say I have the same issue with my husband becuase my husband would be totally on board and actually want to go to the class. However, I would probably do something similar to what your wife did. My husband and I hardly have time together due to our work schedules (we never even get 1 day off together) so if my husband signed up for a class during our limited time together I would get upset. I would much rather he take the class while I am at work so I still got my time with him. I don't know if this is a similar situation for your wife or not but if it is then maybe she just wants to be able to have more time with you.

Or on the flip side maybe she is worried you will get all sexy and run off (my husband has those fears even though it would NOT happen).

gregavila

I realize from reading this thread that my relationship is maybe not typical? If my husband signed up for something I would not expect him to have to check with me first. He's married but he's still his own person and shouldn't have to look to me for permission to do something. Same goes for me.
I would find it extremely disturbing if he FORBADE me from doing something I wanted to do.

And I would see that as extremely disrespectful of MY wishes. If he had a problem, we would be able to talk about it, but there is no "putting your foot down" in my relationship.

This.

I don't think your relationship is atypical...this is exactly how my wife and I work. We've been together for almost 11 years, and married for 6.

quixoticmantis

Bump for discussion with my partner later. I'll be back.