"Fighting" with my wife!

brown0928

I agree with the other 2 posters. It's not easy changing a whole way of life. It's not just your life your changing, it's hers too. Maybe she's scared. Now that the kids are grown up and you are immersed in this new healthy way of life, she may be afraid of you two growing apart. She may see each new class or workout you add as another step away from her. If this class means that much to you, maybe you can give up one of your other workouts to just spend time with her. I know when things get stressful between my husband & I, we find it really helpful to go for a long walk somewhere quiet so we can talk and reconnect.

Agree!!!!!

ladyraven68

Oh Bless, it's the one night of the week she gets to spend with you, and now you're going out that night too.

No wonder she feels the fitness is more important to you than she is.

Reinventing_Me

This is so well written and thoughtfully presented. Please print this out and give it to your wife. When she is relaxing and in a good mood. Kiss her when you do it, and tell her that you love her over-the-moon. (or whatever makes more sense than that.)

I don't know that his wife would appreciate the fact that he aired their argument on MFP - I know I wouldn't, regardless of how well it's written. They need to talk things over and make plans to do things with each other. Even if it is sitting in front of the "idiot box".

To the OP - Sometimes a nice intimate evening, with a good movie and some cuddle time can work wonders. Call it "Dinner and a Movie" night, or "Date Night". Make a nice romantic dinner together, with lots of contact and compliments, flowers, etc. Watch a favorite movie, listen to music, whatever. Plan a picnic and take a stroll. My guess is that she misses the connection and feels like you're pulling away. Also remember there are plenty of ways to fit in activities that include your wife - that don't necessarily feel like a workout.

KyleB65

Thanks one and all for your thoughts & opinions.

I realize today that I have broken the first & most fundamental rules of the internet.

DON'T POST WHEN YOU ARE UPSET/ANGRY!

First, my wife is a beautiful person and I will love her always! Yesterday we had a disagreement. As anyone who is married knows this happens from time to time.

My wife is also the kindest and most understanding person I have ever met! I am now and always will be lucky to be married to her.

As many people pointed out. I TOLD her I was going to the class and then she TOLD me I could not. Shame on both of us! If it makes anyone feel better, a majority of the shame on me!

With regards to our "argument" and my leaving the house. At the time our discussion was going no where. I did not leave the house in a huff mid-sentence. I told her that I needed some air and I told her where I was going. So there were no fireworks when I got home.

Both my wife and I had busy, tiresome days yesterday that were at the end of a long week. So, we were not as considerate of each others thoughts and opinions as we should have been. Again, this happens. We are fortunate in that after 21 years of marriage it does not happen often.

As for the suggestions regarding my mid-life crisis. You are probably correct. But, regardless of the reasons. I have found something that I have a passion for and something where I think I can achieve some success. And, this activity is one where I am gaining a sense of self improvement.

As for the future, who knows. My wife and I will discuss this again and we will work it out as we always do. This is not a marriage ending issue! Just a disagreement between spouses. As this is important to me my wife will most likely relent as she wants me to be happy and content. As I will most likely make some other change so that we can spend more time together. Perhaps a scheduled date night every week or so? Or some other time that we can share just between the two of us.

Thanks again for the thoughtful suggestions & opinions.

brown0928

I just went looking through some of your posts...


"By the end of the summer I was out 30K + rides a couple of times per week. "

What's your next vacation destination? Wed 02/29/12 06:52 AM
"Back to the gym!!!"

" I like a nice little 10 min cardio before weights.... I also do about 10 - 15 min of yoga style stretching after my cardio but before weights. "

"One of my Martial Arts classes is in a Boxing gym."

"The gym I go to has lots of women"

"I have added running 1x week to my routine and I can hardly wait until the snow melts enough to get my bike back on the road"

"I train in two martial arts; Capoeira & Jeet Kune Do. "

"I go to the gym from Monday thru Saturday. On Sunday the gym is closed, so at Christmas I decided that Sunday would be my running/jogging day. "



Can you see WHY she might be feeling a little lonely, left out, and might have blown her top just a bit over you adding a Sunday night class? Let me see if I get this... you go to the gym Monday through Saturday and you're there for half an hour plus your weights time, you do two martial arts classes, go running once a week AND plan to get back to biking twice a week?



Where have you left time in your life for this?

"I have a beautiful wife and two awesome grown children who love me. This is what is important in my life."

After reading this, as I wife, I would be upset as well. It's as if your married but living your own life. I f you all are truly life partners both of your needs will need to be met and from what I can tell your more so concerned with makes you happy versus what makes both of you happy. I don't agree with forbidding an adult from doing anything, but I also don't agree with you making decisions on your own that will affect both of you. Lastly, the comment about sitting in front of the "idiot box" can be taken offensively. It seems like you all may be a little older (based off your grown children statement) so she's obviously raised her children and been a good wife, so what if she wants to watch TV. Being married, you have to look at things from both points of view to understand how your partner feels. Just my opinion though, good luck!

BigBoneSista

I didn't read all the responses, but thought I would offer up a suggestion. Once a week you should have a date night with your wife. Don't talk about the healthy lifestyle...no exercise...just focus on her. Give her your undivided attention. Allow her to have her moment with the man she loves.

hiker282

I'd think a good dose of mud wrestling would clear any problems right up. Nothing like rolling around in the mud, getting nice and dirty. And it provides the perfect excuse to hose each other down and then take a shower together. I'd think that would make it hard to stay mad at each other.

palmerig88

You have invited her and she wasn't interested. It's only an hour and a half extra until May. Sounds like you would be riding a bike or doing something active in place of that anyway. I don't see what the problem is. I think it's worse of her to 'forbid' you than for you to sign up without discussing first. You are making a commitment to do something active. No harm in that. Perhaps there is a spring sport you could sign up for and get on a co-ed team together? My husband and I do that and it gives us time together socially. We are on 2 teams, adult kickball and softball. They are both co-ed and we are on the same team together, of course.

daryls

Yes, I agree. I think much of it has to do with signing up for something on the weekend without consulting her. You don't NEED to ask for her approval, but it's nice to ask.

This issue was one that my husband and I had when we first got married. I was used to being/living alone and not asking him about decisions that I made. I have changed my ways and now I ask before I make a big decision or time commitment.

You may want to share the reasons you workout and why this particular activity is beneficial to you and to her. For me, exercise is my coping strategy and it makes me an overall nicer and happier person.

delilah47

I confess I didn't read all the posts here. Maybe you could ask her what she would like you to participate in for her. It seems like you are giving her a choice of YOUR favorite things to do and not asking what she would like to do. You DO seem to have lots of activities focused on your interests. It sounds like she may be experiencing what a lot of women experience after the kids are doing their own thing. Like you, she doesn't know who she is or even what she would like to do after focusing on the family for so many years.

pamary

Congrats on following your dreams. My suggestion would be that rather than talking about the Sunday night exercise class, you go home and talk about what your marriage should look like now that your children are gone. How much time does she want to spend wiith you? What other activities could you both do that she would enjoy also - perhaps reading the same book, playing some card games, words with friends? How should the household chores be split? Do you need permission to schedule events with friends or yourself? Are some nights ok and others a no? (My husband and I keep Friday and Sat night as ours - rarely separate activities)
Sounds like you love each other - go home with a coffee for her and let her know you love her and have a meaningful discussion.

Jencush44

Ultimately, it is complete selfishness. I know from experience! When you were not taking care of yourself, you were making selfish decisions even then. You were only putting your own desires or lack there of, as priority. Now that you are making lifestyle changes, it appears that you again are only considering yourself. You mentioned that you have offered to do any type of "exercise" that she desired...That is your current desire, obviously not hers! You seem very disconnected with your wife and very connected with yourself. Maybe she needs you to desire her rather than yourself. Sex can be a great calorie burner! And sure beats round 2 after starbucks (lattes aren't the healthiest desire as well). I believe it you would consider your partner (because two became one) in your decisions and desires, you would be making a huge step for your future. Because isn't that ultimately why you are changing your lifestyle, to have a longer life with her? This really isn't about how you exercise or when you exercise or if you exercise! You've just made it all about exercise rather that about the two of you. I am only trying to point out what I see as the possible problem, "YOU". Always put God first, your marriage second...then you can put your do jo???? Your starbucks and your martial arts instructor may be your new future (hope he's cute & understanding). Your wife and you will be in my prayers

angieleighbyrd

I would have consulted with her first. My marriage is so 50/50 that I even consult with him before buying lipstick. No I don't have to, I just feel like it's the right thing to do. But I'm not saying it's right for everyone. It just what works in my marriage.

forest0spirit555

Wow. What a hard position you are put in. First let me say staying true to yourself in any relationship is an absolute necessity. Although woman can become clingy (i have been guilty many times) this is an unhealthy behavior. The time when my boyfriend and I sat down and came to an understanding over what our values where and we understood that both of us have a duty to ourselves to be who we are. you should not have to concede because your wife wants you home. I would try talking to her about how this is a lifestyle change, your not going to stop being healthy in order to be home, and I would suggest possibly having her go out and do something nice for herself. If she wants you home because she is bored or lonely she honestly needs to find something to do. I know that sounds harsh and I'm sorry. But in all honesty I have so many likes and interests that if my boyfriend does decide to go do something that I dont want to join him I have a LIST of things I could get done in our time apart, and he does the same when I go and do things that he doesnt want to do (such as exercising).

rsmblue

As this is important to me my wife will most likely relent as she wants me to be happy and content. As I will most likely make some other change so that we can spend more time together. Perhaps a scheduled date night every week or so? Or some other time that we can share just between the two of us.

Just make sure you keep your end of the "deal"

DietPep1978

I haven't read any of the other posts.

Good for you for waking up and realizing life will end, every day is a gift!

Sounds like you and your wife have been together for a long time, having young adult kids and all.

Maybe give her some time? Explain what you've just explained here, if you haven't alread. If you have, maybe say it in a different way. Maybe she'll just get up and join you? Maybe start small with her? Walks only. Maybe there is something behind the "relaxing" part? I'm not sure what age she is, but maybe life is changing for her in other ways (body changes) which is also hormonal.

I think if you've made it through kids...you can make it through this!

I hear you, I'd be ROYALLY peeved if my hubby ever stopped me from doing something I really really wanted, especially if it was for the better in any way. Of course I take him into consideration, and I hope he does the same, but its rare either of us puts our foot down. We are going on 17 years of being together.

All the best!

DietPep1978

My husband sits on the couch and cusses at the government. I wish he would go do something! lol

LOL Mine too!

So does mine! But he does have an extremely physical job so I have to be understanding. It is a little irritating though, I've been known to mutter 'please get a job where you don't just sit and sleep when you get home'. He has improved over the last few years at doing "family activity", it would be great if we could do more things together!

Josie_lifting_cats

I read some of the replies, but I can honestly throw in my personal experience here.

My husband goes to the gym. It's an expense that is slightly irritating, because as a "young" family, it's something that sometimes feels unaffordable. But then again, so are other things that we and I do, so I remind myself of that and let it go.

Also, having a preschooler and a toddler, working more than full time myself, running my son to and from school.... I feel like my days are non-stop, all day every day. I don't know about her situation, but for me there are days when I look at the clock and realize it's 4:00 and my husband is getting off work, but he won't be home for another hour and a half (or more!) Having been with my kids all day, answering my phone all day, working all day, possibly in the car most of the day, it's like taking a full time 9 hour job, taking away the lunch break, and then making it extremely high stress, every day. So some days I'm very unhappy about the extra time, because I already am so run down by 4 that I just want to cry. Then make it 6, add in making dinner and eating dinner, and it sometimes literally seems like my husband comes home to eat and put the kids to bed. Granted, you don't have the little kids to deal with, but not knowing her schedule, it's hard to say.

Working out in the evenings is also unappealing. My friends invite me to zumba ALL.THE.TIME. I get it, and I want to do it - just not at 7 o'clock at night. At that time I'm prepping my babies for bed, tidying up from dinner, prepping for the next day, and often just chilling with my husband. And yeah, sometimes that involves the TV, and yeah, to some people that might not sound fun to stay home with my family EVERY EVENING, but I can't think of a better place to be, honestly. Even when I do plan on doing evening stuff I often don't want to tear myself away from home. Part of that may be that I'm running all day every day, I don't know.

But my point with the evenings at home thing is that she very well may be like me - she'd rather be home with you than anywhere else. And she might not be saying it, but it might hurt that you don't feel the same way. And yeah, that's selfish, and we hate to admit it, and I personally try to keep my mouth shut about it as much as possible, but sometimes I'd like to know that my husband's favorite thing to do is spend time at home with me, too.

janeite1990

Thanks one and all for your thoughts & opinions.

I realize today that I have broken the first & most fundamental rules of the internet.

DON'T POST WHEN YOU ARE UPSET/ANGRY!

First, my wife is a beautiful person and I will love her always! Yesterday we had a disagreement. As anyone who is married knows this happens from time to time.

My wife is also the kindest and most understanding person I have ever met! I am now and always will be lucky to be married to her.

As many people pointed out. I TOLD her I was going to the class and then she TOLD me I could not. Shame on both of us! If it makes anyone feel better, a majority of the shame on me!

With regards to our "argument" and my leaving the house. At the time our discussion was going no where. I did not leave the house in a huff mid-sentence. I told her that I needed some air and I told her where I was going. So there were no fireworks when I got home.

Both my wife and I had busy, tiresome days yesterday that were at the end of a long week. So, we were not as considerate of each others thoughts and opinions as we should have been. Again, this happens. We are fortunate in that after 21 years of marriage it does not happen often.

As for the suggestions regarding my mid-life crisis. You are probably correct. But, regardless of the reasons. I have found something that I have a passion for and something where I think I can achieve some success. And, this activity is one where I am gaining a sense of self improvement.

As for the future, who knows. My wife and I will discuss this again and we will work it out as we always do. This is not a marriage ending issue! Just a disagreement between spouses. As this is important to me my wife will most likely relent as she wants me to be happy and content. As I will most likely make some other change so that we can spend more time together. Perhaps a scheduled date night every week or so? Or some other time that we can share just between the two of us.

Thanks again for the thoughtful suggestions & opinions.

Well said!Best of luck working it out!

Nopedotjpeg

It's called communication. Do it. Derp.