When to Have the Marriage Talk

noiva

Hey everyone -- this isn't chit-chat, fun, OR a game...but hopefully you can give me some insight/advice!

I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We're both in our mid-20s. I am a little further into my career than he is, as he just graduated from college last year and is getting started. We both have student loans and starting salaries, so we're not in the best financial or career situations yet.

This being said, I'd like to know that we both have marriage in mind for our future. I don't want a ring now and I don't want a timeline of when it will happen, but I would like to know that we agree on where our relationship is headed. He refuses to discuss it at all with me, saying we're not ready. He doesn't get that I don't want to talk about getting married RIGHT NOW, I just want to talk about *marriage*.

My philosophy is: the situation is never perfect, and that shouldn't stop you from biting the bullet and doing what you want to do.

I don't know if I am being a stereotypical girl or not. I just don't want for us to date for 3-5 more years, all the while this is up in the air, and then he decides that he's not a marriage guy or I'm not the girl for him. Then I'm early 30s and have to start over -- not the worst thing in the world, just not what I want for my future.

Thoughts anyone? And yes, I'm a rambler -- sorry.

ScatteredThoughts

If he won't discuss it, how do you know he also has marriage in mind for the future? Has he ever given any reason for why he thinks you aren't ready?

UponThisRock

I think you're absolutely within your rights to want to know where he stands. Better to get it out there now, than 5 years from now.

p0pr0cksnc0ke

I think you're absolutely within your rights to want to know where he stands. Better to get it out there now, than 5 years from now.

THIS.

I would worry if he wasn't even willing to discuss it. You should know if you guys have the same goals in life or not. Period.

billsica

Why would he want to get married? What benefit does get get out of this one?
Do you live with him? Are you saving yourself for marriage?

Its like having your cake, and eating it too.

noiva

If he won't discuss it, how do you know he also has marriage in mind for the future? Has he ever given any reason for why he thinks you aren't ready?

He says we're not ready financially. I agree, I'd like a couple years to get my finances together (have a big student loan), but I'd just like to know that he wants to get married at some point -- hopefully within 5-6 years, if not sooner. But yeah, he won't even discuss it. Seems like a red flag to me.

UponThisRock

Why would he want to get married? What benefit does get get out of this one?
Do you live with him? Are you saving yourself for marriage?

Its like having your cake, and eating it too.

odusgolp

It doesn't sound like "We aren't ready" as much as "He isn't ready."

And, you won't be able to change that opinion, but if you two can't communicate about this, that's bad news.

I gave my BF a deadline. I don't recommend that. I'm divorced

noiva

Why would he want to get married? What benefit does get get out of this one?
Do you live with him? Are you saving yourself for marriage?

Its like having your cake, and eating it too.

We don't live together, and NO, I did not save myself for marriage. As far as I know, that hasn't stopped men from marrying their "ruined women" before.

Most people want to get married because they love someone. The benefit is being with that person you love every day, starting a family with them, and going through life together. I would hope that's his benefit for marrying me.

ScatteredThoughts

But yeah, he won't even discuss it. Seems like a red flag to me.

I agree. Nothing is set in concrete, but he should be at least able to discuss how he views the two of you in the long term. Tough decision, but I think you should be ready to part ways and not get into a situation where you are relying on him unnecessarily.

xo_morgan

i definitely think thats a red flag. My boyfriend & i havent been together that long but hes very open about talking about where he wants to be. With marriagae, kids, living situation. I may come on a little too strong asking questions like that so early but i would rather know right away. Obviously if i dont want to move from my hometown & he wants to live across the world...its not a good fit. If i want 5 kids and he wants none...not a good fit.

Why continue dating someone and wasting your time (IF he didnt want marriage). When someone is out there who wants what you want.:flowerforyou:

liftingbro

You need to talk to him, see where he thinks the relationship is and don't flipout if he's not thinking marriage yet. If he's not, you can explain that you are in this relationship because you feel like it is heading toward marriage. This way you tell him your expectation in the relationship and he's in a position where he has to clarify his expectations. Then once you both know what the other expects out of the relationship you can decide which direction the relationship will go from there.

I think if he feels that he does not want to commit to marriage before being stable in his career, that seems like a good reason. Marriage is hard enough when you are not struggling with finances and sometimes a career can change a person's outlook on life and changes a person's goals in life.

Carl01

Does he flat out say he wants to get married with someone some day or does he completely avoid the topic of marriage?
If the latter is the case then at least for now he is still keeping his options open to play the field.

noiva

You need to talk to him, see where he thinks the relationship is and don't flipout if he's not thinking marriage yet. If he's not, you can explain that you are in this relationship because you feel like it is heading toward marriage. This way you tell him your expectation in the relationship and he's in a position where he has to clarify his expectations. Then once you both know what the other expects out of the relationship you can decide which direction the relationship will go from there.

I think if he feels that he does not want to commit to marriage before being stable in his career, that seems like a good reason. Marriage is hard enough when you are not struggling with finances and sometimes a career can change a person's outlook on life and changes a person's goals in life.

I agree w/ your last paragraph -- I don't want us getting in over our heads w/ finances if we don't have to. I'd prefer we wait til we are more stable financially. I just want to know if he thinks marriage is an option when we DO get our finances settled. He won't discuss it at all.

When I told him that he needed to be able to talk to me about the future, and if he couldn't, then there was no need to continue the relationship, he was mad that I "gave him an ultimatum" and to "do what I thought I had to do." Sigh...

noiva

Does he flat out say he wants to get married with someone some day or does he completely avoid the topic of marriage?
If the latter is the case then at least for now he is still keeping his options open to play the field.

He completely avoids the topic, but also says things about how he could never find someone who loves him like I do, who puts up with him like I do, who he could love as much as me, etc etc. Conflicting statements going on!

whatluckycat

[ But yeah, he won't even discuss it. Seems like a red flag to me.

Yes, I agree. It's reasonable to want to know that you both are on the same page, and want the same things from your lives. Otherwise you're just wasting your time. But you are both very young, and maybe it's just scary for him to think about.

liftingbro

You need to talk to him, see where he thinks the relationship is and don't flipout if he's not thinking marriage yet. If he's not, you can explain that you are in this relationship because you feel like it is heading toward marriage. This way you tell him your expectation in the relationship and he's in a position where he has to clarify his expectations. Then once you both know what the other expects out of the relationship you can decide which direction the relationship will go from there.

I think if he feels that he does not want to commit to marriage before being stable in his career, that seems like a good reason. Marriage is hard enough when you are not struggling with finances and sometimes a career can change a person's outlook on life and changes a person's goals in life.

I agree w/ your last paragraph -- I don't want us getting in over our heads w/ finances if we don't have to. I'd prefer we wait til we are more stable financially. I just want to know if he thinks marriage is an option when we DO get our finances settled. He won't discuss it at all.

When I told him that he needed to be able to talk to me about the future, and if he couldn't, then there was no need to continue the relationship, he was mad that I "gave him an ultimatum" and to "do what I thought I had to do." Sigh...

So, if he told you, you're the type of girl that he could marry some day would that be enough? Or are you wanting him to be more formal?

grinch031

You need to have this conversation. Tell him directly that you don't want to waste your time if he's not prepared to get married in a couple years, that is assuming marriage is definitely in your life plan. If he is truly committed to you long term, then he should be willing to have this conversation. If he won't talk about it, then he is probably unsure of whether he wants to be with you long term.

noiva

So, if he told you, you're the type of girl that he could marry some day would that be enough? Or are you wanting him to be more formal?

Honestly, I don't think that would be enough. I would need to hear something like: "I'm not ready yet, but in the future, I'd like to marry you."

BL_Coleman

I would say that is a red flag. Honeslty I lived with my BF for basically all of college, the last two years we got an apartment together and officially lived together. We always talked about eventually marrying and where we wanted to go in life. Yes after 4 years of dating we did get married and will be married 4 years in April....Although a little freak out is normal for a girl.If he is not willing to talk about it at all then you may not have the same life goals....marriage, kids , family the works.

p0pr0cksnc0ke

thepetiterunner

Your feelings are totally understandable and I've had many, many mid-20 something friends in your boat.

Having said that, sometimes guys view having the "talk" as "I need to make a commitment to this now", versus you, who just wants to know where you stand.

Honestly, if you know what you want, better to have it now in the open and address that you might not be in the same place rather than waste your time. I made the mistake of waiting for 5 years for someone to be "ready" or to be the person I needed him to be.

You get what you have right in front of you - there's nothing more, and nothing less. People who want to get married, get married. Those that don't, will find any reason (read: excuse) not to. It's that simple.

liftingbro

So, if he told you, you're the type of girl that he could marry some day would that be enough? Or are you wanting him to be more formal?

Honestly, I don't think that would be enough. I would need to hear something like: "I'm not ready yet, but in the future, I'd like to marry you."

Well, you need to sit him down and ask him if that's what he thinks. If you are not going to be happy without knowing that he plans to marry you then you need to say so (in a none nagging way).

BerryH

I just don't want for us to date for 3-5 more years, all the while this is up in the air, and then he decides that he's not a marriage guy or I'm not the girl for him.

^^^ Nothing stopping this happening after you've got married. It happens one way or the other in nearly half of all marriages.

noiva

You're so witty!

BL_Coleman

Why would he want to get married? What benefit does get get out of this one?
Do you live with him? Are you saving yourself for marriage?

Its like having your cake, and eating it too.

Your single huh? According to this belief, women and marriage is only for sex. Lets forget about friendship, love, and support and the financial security of two incomes working towards a goal that both of you want.

- Lived with my BF for four years, we hit four marriage in April. ( Both of our familes would have killed us if we got married when 1. I was ruined 2. started living together)

odusgolp

Just my two cents... but I don't think it's this huge insurmountable red flag that he's not eager to discuss marriage. You two are young and it's understandable. But see if you can't have a really frank conversation about your futures. If you can't even discuss something so serious after 2.5 years, that's more concerning to me than whether or not you get hitched.

DeeJayTJ

2.5 years isnt very long and a lot can change in a very short time.

if you guys do decide to get hitched good luck.

KimmieBrie

Have the talk now because obviously you want to. But even if you get him to say what you want to hear, know that it may never come to be.
You're both in your mid 20s... and things change. I don't know many men who are ready at their mid 20s and therefore are uncomfortable with the discussion. Maybe he just isn't sure what he wants and when you aren't sure you don't want to talk marriage. It sounds like you're ready for something he isn't.... like I think you'd be OK with a long engagement, and he isn't ready to make that commitment.

Before you get married you should be able to openly discuss finances, children, the future life you want to build... if you can't discuss those things you/he isn't ready.

lour441

I was with my wife for 8 years before we got married. Been together now for 21 years. Had she given me an ultimatum it would have been a deal breaker.

billsica

Why would he want to get married? What benefit does get get out of this one?
Do you live with him? Are you saving yourself for marriage?

Its like having your cake, and eating it too.

Your single huh? According to this belief, women and marriage is only for sex. Lets forget about friendship, love, and support and the financial security of two incomes working towards a goal that both of you want.

- Lived with my BF for four years, we hit four marriage in April. ( Both of our familes would have killed us if we got married when 1. I was ruined 2. started living together)

I am married since 2006. I didn't get married till my 30's though, when I was ready. I lived together first too, against parents wishes. I was no were near ready when I was 25.
I can get all of those things you mentioned without marriage (see cake[eating]). Only if one of us dies, or some other tragic circumstance would that even matter. I suppose one thing that changed, was we only have one health care policy as opposed to two. I also have a ring, and once a year I get to watch a dvd of the event.