When to Have the Marriage Talk

BAMFMeredith

What is the point of marriage in the first place? Tax purposes? If your relationship isn't broken, why are you trying to fix it?

Hypothetically, you two get married, then decide you're not right for each other in 3-10 years. Now you have a messy divorce, trying to legally separate your stuff and money. In situations like that, it's easier to stay married to each other since the legal ramifications SUCK.

On the flip side, you two live together, as you are right now. In 3-10 years you two decide you're not right for each other. You take your stuff, he takes his, and you move on, no divorce. You two are not legally bound to each other, so disengaging is more of an emotional thing.

In both scenarios, if you two stay together forever, then good on you. All is happy, all is well.

While I can appreciate where you're coming from (trust me, my parents got divorced after 20 years and it was MESSYYYYY), personally, I still believe in marriage. It's probably the Catholic upbringing, but marriage is an important step in a relationship for me, personally.

Additionally, the legal rights are important. Being able to make medical decisions for your partner should something ever happen, health insurance benefits, life insurance beneficiaries, legal rights to property, tax purposes...I mean, those aren't THE reasons you get married, but they are important when you plan to build a life with somebody else.

An interesting thing in the Catholic church, is that if you plan to have a Catholic wedding, you must undergo a minimum of 6 months of pre-marital counseling in the church, attend a pre-marital retreat or seminar, complete a compatibility test (it's this really long questionnaire that basically determines if your life goals and the way you would raise a family are the same), and be mentored by a "sponsor couple" who is a married couple that was married in the church and has been married for a long time and involved in the church. I realize not everybody is Christian, but I gotta think that REALLY helps people decide if they're really ready for marriage or not.

CallyAlyse

Ok, I am in a relationship sorta the same. Late 20's I have 4 kids previous to this realtionship. We have been together for 2.5 years. I have been married and divorced before. We do live together and my children have no contact with thier father. I love my boyfriend and he loves me. He tells me and shows me that he is commited all the time. ie: buys me animals that he couldn't have without me or vise versa. just bought us a family car that fits us all. Stays up with the kids when they are sick. ect. Both his mother and I have talked to him about marriage and we get no where. All I ever hear is you don't think I'm committed. What has marriage done for anyone? I know that he is commited and I'm wondering the same as you. Why is it such a big deal to just talk about it. I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one out there dealing with this. My motto on this lately is "if it aint broke don't fix it." and "everything is happing just perfect for me at this time in my life. If it changes that will be the perfect thing in that time of my life to."

Sorry I ramble too but my point is, Enjoy this time, be in the moment, and see what comes of it. We are still young if people in thier 80's and 90's can find someone after all that time I'm sure we will be just fine.

igora_soma

I've been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now and we had that talk a little after the 1 year mark. I'm 25, he's 26. I knew what I wanted and I wanted to know from him what his plans were for HIS life. I made it about him and left myself out of the equation, then I shared the same. That made it easier to talk about where we were headed because we heard each other out.

Now we just have to sort out our cultural differences in regards to what marriage means

dragonsheart84

I'm sorry but what is financial stability in this economy? There are never guarantees in this life. If marriage is about financial stability no one would ever get married and be happy. My husband and I knew each other online for about a month before we met in person and we had actually already done all the paperwork to get married before he came up to see me. We have been married for little over a year now. Financial stability is not something that you will ever be completely set on unless you are a millionaire or have a high paying job. This can also be said about having kids. You are never truly financially stable enough to have kids. If everyone waited to be financially stable to get married and have kids, there would be a lot of single people and no kids. The fact that he will not even discuss it with you at all is a red flag to me. I knew before I met my man in person that he wanted marriage and a family. That is just part of the communication in a relationship.

Suzannejl

My husband and I knew the night we met we had found the one. 9 mos later he was being shipped overseas and wanted me to join him, I said not as your girl friend and he said I know! 9 mos later we married. 15 years later we finally paid off the student loans! Here we are at 22 years and we have a mortgage, car loans and our oldest is getting ready to go off to college.

Did we wait, yes, he had not, but I had been raped in a previous relationship. It took us a while, and a lot of fun, learning to be together.

Follow your instincts on this one. Do you have a parent? Perhaps they could and should ask the "What are your intentions with my daughter?" Conversation/question.

Good luck, and perhaps it is time for you guys to date other people. Sometimes that helps people go one way or the other.

Amanda0325

hunny been with my man 7 years on the 25th of this month.. and he isn't ready to get married.. nothing you say is going to make him more ready... he either is or isn't... and when he is you'll probably be the first to know.. and from what you are saying it sounds like he just isn't finacially stable enough and he doesn't want to begin your life together with peanuts.. and probably wants to give you the ring you deserve and feels like when you want to talk about marriage that you are preasuring it for now more than later...

BAMFMeredith

Sorry I ramble too but my point is, Enjoy this time, be in the moment, and see what comes of it. We are still young if people in thier 80's and 90's can find someone after all that time I'm sure we will be just fine.

Hell yeah! My grandma is 80 and has a boyfriend. They go dancing on Saturday nights.

rysgal123

I was in the same situation. my fiance and I have been together for almost 8 years now, and at the 4year mark i started to wonder, "are we ever going to get married". We were already living the "married" life, we had a car a house a dog and debt, but there was no hint that he was ready to marry. He is also 2 years younger then me. finally i started bringing it up, and i was getting the same answer, "i don't think we are ready". After bringing it up a few times, i was able to get it out of him that he thought he wasn't ready because he felt he was too young (he was 23). I let it go for a while, knowing that i knew he was the man i wanted to marry and i was comfortable in the situation we were in but i just needed the reassurance that i wasn't "wasting" my time with a man that never wanted to marry, or just didn't want to marry me. But as time when on i was able to bring it up more and more without him getting mad or irritated with my consistency. When i expressed my reasoning as being the next step in our relationship and i wanted to have his commitment to me as much as i wanted to give mine to him. After 7 years, he popped the questions 2 days after my birthday. We are getting married next year. It was worth the wait, but that only because i knew in my heart that the time would come, i just needed to be patient . Good luck!!!

DavetheHYNIC

A man will know if wants to marry you or think that your "wifey" material in a matter of months . 2 1/2 years is a long time and u let him get comfortable. My advice , give him a timetable ultimatum and gauge his reaction. See if he's scared to lose you.

zsaoosh

What is the differenence between knowing you want to be with someone for the rest of your life and getting married? It is just the act of showing it. Your waisting your time if he cant even talk about it honey. Your young...if he comes around then ok he comes around but dont sit there and wait for him. If you know then you know, its not "oh im not ready to get married" what do you have to be ready for? If he wants to be with you for the rest of your life then he would be happy to talk to you about it. I had this thing...if you dont see it after 6 months then I am out. If you dont KNOW it after a year then I am out! I am engaged now, we knew after the first few months and he asked me right after 2 years. He was excited more then me....I know he wants to be with me cause he tells me EVERY DAY! It shouldnt be a guessing game. Get rid of the games.

blynn2708

Take it as a red flag...he doesn't know what he wants. I've been with my guy for 15 yrs, I knew going in that we would never get married. I was married before him and certainly didn't want to do it again and he just told me right out he never wanted to get married:bigsmile:

BaconMD

"I'm not ready yet, but in the future, I'd like to marry you."

So, you just want a proposal without the ring? lol

I don't know what to suggest to help you. I married my wife when I was 20 and she 19. Over 10 years later, I wouldn't change a thing. Going to college together, struggling through the hardest times, getting our first house, first car... You know, some people are not ready for something - kids is another good example in the same vein - and suddenly one day, they are good to go.

You could give a silent ultimatum - 12 months from now, or whatever - and then if that time comes, bring it up again, and if there's still no discussion... Do what you have to do.

tmarie2715

Hey everyone -- this isn't chit-chat, fun, OR a game...but hopefully you can give me some insight/advice!

I have been with my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We're both in our mid-20s. I am a little further into my career than he is, as he just graduated from college last year and is getting started. We both have student loans and starting salaries, so we're not in the best financial or career situations yet.

This being said, I'd like to know that we both have marriage in mind for our future. I don't want a ring now and I don't want a timeline of when it will happen, but I would like to know that we agree on where our relationship is headed. He refuses to discuss it at all with me, saying we're not ready. He doesn't get that I don't want to talk about getting married RIGHT NOW, I just want to talk about *marriage*.

My philosophy is: the situation is never perfect, and that shouldn't stop you from biting the bullet and doing what you want to do.

I don't know if I am being a stereotypical girl or not. I just don't want for us to date for 3-5 more years, all the while this is up in the air, and then he decides that he's not a marriage guy or I'm not the girl for him. Then I'm early 30s and have to start over -- not the worst thing in the world, just not what I want for my future.

Thoughts anyone? And yes, I'm a rambler -- sorry.

Living together? Do you both have your own finances, or are they shared?

fbmandy55

We had this discussion pretty early on. What's the point of spending a lot of time together if you don't want the same thing? If he would have told me 3 months into our relationship that he didn't want to get married or have kids, I would have ended it then.

papa3x

I'll say this... I knew in advance of asking my wife to marry me, that if she said "no", I was moving on immediately. If you want to get married, you have to be with someone who wants to marry you.

YMark

It doesn't sound like "We aren't ready" as much as "He isn't ready."

And, you won't be able to change that opinion, but if you two can't communicate about this, that's bad news.

I gave my BF a deadline. I don't recommend that. I'm divorced

My old college girlfriend of 4 years gave me a deadline. The night of the deadline she gave me the boot. A year later I went to her wedding. But I've been happily married to another woman for 22 years. She's divorced. Not sure what my point is. LOL

BTW, I just love that boob shirt in your avatar.

noiva

Living together? Do you both have your own finances, or are they shared?

Do not live together, share no finances. Nothing is joint.

britishstar41

My sister just went through the exact same thing with her bf. She didn't want a ring or even to set a timeline, she just wanted general acknowledgement that that's where they both saw themselves heading. And, like you, she needed a formal statement of yes, I'd like to marry YOU. That being said, he couldn't even do that and they ended up breaking things off for like, two weeks. Ultimately, they finally had the conversation and agreed that they both wanted marriage in their future but that many things needed to happen before that (careers, more schooling, etc.)

My husband and I had a very open communication when we were dating about where we saw our future heading. We had no doubts that we would marry each other.

Trying to support my sister through that was so foreign to me, but I encouraged her to keep on it. keep talking, keep explaining what she needed to hear and what she didn't, and why. If he's not even willing to go that far with you, I would start to seriously reconsider why you're together and if this is a relationship you want to invest in for another 3-4 years only to be disappointed in the end.

Best of luck!

janeite1990

I'd say something like, "It has been a great 2.5 years, and I love you. I'm at the point in my life where dating for me should be headed somewhere. Either I want to be figuring out whether I want to marry this person eventually, or figuring out I don't wan to marry this person, and then moving on." You are the person I'd like to be with, but if that isn't the case for you, or if you don't see dating that way now, then this isn't a good fit for both of us and we need to move on and not cause each other grief. No hard feelings, no hatefulness or drama, just the fact that we aren't looking for the same things right now."

It is legitimate for you to date to find a mate. It is legitimate for him to date for fun. You just need to know where you stand and have the guts to act on it if you hear something you don't want to hear.

Best of luck! It sucks to be a modern woman. Well, it probably always sucked to be a woman. Either way, get into the driver's seat and take control of where you are going. Don't wait on him to make a decision.

maf66

If you are unable to have this conversation, write him a very heartfelt non-threatening letter about how YOU feel about the situation. He just may be projecting what he thinks you are getting at so closes the door immediately when the topic is brought up. Hand it to him on a weekend morning and then spend the day away from him with the girls or your family doing shopping and such. This will give him time to process your thoughts and reflect on his own.

IDK, letters seem to work for me. If I'm interrupted, I tend to get off track. And you cant argue with a letter!

delilah47

"Why buy the cow if the milk is free."

I really don't believe that anymore, since people are free to cohabitate (and have children, i guess) without critisism these days. I think I saw a "Dr Phil" on one of the cable channels recently that addressed this very issue. I believe (I said "I believe") he advised it is a fair subject. You have the right to know what your significant other's intentions are, but limited to a yes or no if they see marriage in your future. If they say they don't, it's time to leave if that is what you want for yourself. Better hurt on your terms, rather than when you are older and it's like a sledge hammer hitting you up-side the head.

Oh, and you should say what you expect in the future. If you ask if that fits with his intentions and he says "no", time to go!

ShandiH

If he won't discuss it, how do you know he also has marriage in mind for the future? Has he ever given any reason for why he thinks you aren't ready?

He says we're not ready financially. I agree, I'd like a couple years to get my finances together (have a big student loan), but I'd just like to know that he wants to get married at some point -- hopefully within 5-6 years, if not sooner. But yeah, he won't even discuss it. Seems like a red flag to me.

Oh, finances. You'll *never* be financially ready to get married. It's such a vague reason to not do something - marriage, baby etc. Even if you do set specific goals and strive to make them happen, more than likely those goals will change a few years down the road to being even more financially ready. Also, there will be so many bumps in the road - good as well as bad ones - that change your goals and plans of being financially ready. I guarantee it. If s/he's the one, get married and work on being financially fit together.

0EmmeNicole0

I'm not exactly sure when the right time to discuss marriage is but if he wont discuss it with you i don't think that is the best of signs. Do you at least know that you love each other? If marriage is something you absolutely want in your near future (within the next five years) and he is the person you could see yourself marrying then you need to find out where he stands. What if he wont talk about it because he just doesn't want to do it. You don't want to waste your time.

BigDaddyBRC

I'll keep this as brief and to the point.....

There is never a time to have a "Marriage Talk". If after 2.5 years, you both don't know what you want from the other within you relationship, you need to get out of it. This based purely on experience and understanding of both relationships and how the mind & heart work. If you both don't know by now, then it means that you are not communicating enough...and if you feel you are, then someone isn't listening. This is a pattern for doom.

mindfulone

Good morning this is a real tough one because you just said that he just got out of school and that you have big student loans so neither one of you are financially ready and a marriage/wedding is a major cost it is very demanding and if you both have bills to get in order the last thing you want to do is add to it he may only be focused on his financial standing right now.... but in real life asking for all this advise is tricky you knw your situation and only you know him so no one is really equipt to give you advise I have been married for almost six years and wht I tell my other married friends is that its your relationship/mariage and only you know when you have had enough.... when you are ready to walk cause we get those sense's and we have those it's not right feelings.... you have to be your best judge!!!!! if it stinks take out the trash if you can handle the smell then...

treehopper1987

I was the one in my relationship that didn't want to get married so soon. My husband wanted to marry me after a year of being together but I wasn't mature enough then to get married. We were definitely not good financially (right out of high school). I knew I liked being with him and there weren't any red flags. I was just NOT READY. I think I had to figure out who I really was before I could make the leap. I would hardly talk about it either. Thankfully he waited for me and then eight years into our relationship we got married, and we've been married for almost eight months now. Relationship take work sometimes. You have to figure out a way to talk to him and figure out what he is really thinking, because marriage is a big step. Most think by mentioning marriage you want to get married soon. Maybe explain to him in the start of the conversation that you aren't wanting marriage soon and you know it isn't financially feasable, but you want to see where he stands with it. He may be more willing to talk about it then.

DEEDLYNN

Time for him to MAN UP. An adult conversation about the future in an adult relationship is not asking too much. If not being able to talk about it wasn't enough, that conversation that ended with "do what you gotta do?", would have made me go where I need to go.

HUGE RED FLAGS in my opinion.

So, if he ever decides to leave, after you have stood by him thru the struggling times, he get's to use his disclaimer, I NEVER told you I was interested in marriage. He can then go start the stable life with SuzieQ.

I would explain to him again, that you need to be able to have this ADULT conversation. If he can't. I'm sorry dear, the writing is on the wall.

fruitsalad15

I was with my ex for 6 years, when, at 27, I realised I wanted Marriage and Babies and he didn't! I promptly ended it, left and have never looked back. I was lucky enough to meet someone new , the best guy in the world I might add, and am now engaged.

I think the important thing is to try and talk to him. Its not done me any harm but it might have avoided complications of mortgages etc if we had known all along that we wanted different things!

I think every decision gets you to where you are, if I hadn't been with my ex all that time I might never have met my new partner so don't think of the time as wasted!

Gwendalyne

A man will know if wants to marry you or think that your "wifey" material in a matter of months . 2 1/2 years is a long time and u let him get comfortable. My advice , give him a timetable ultimatum and gauge his reaction. See if he's scared to lose you.

Completely Agree w/you...I had one convo about marriage w/my hubby...told him after about 6 months of dating..I'm interesting in a relationship headed towards marriage and this was the only time I will bring it up, if I don't feel like we are headed in the same direction after some time..I will move on...about 5 months later he proposed and going on 6 years of marriage...a man knows when he wants to marry you...

ItsCasey

The right time to have the marriage talk is when you're prepared to walk away if he doesn't tell you what you want to hear.

All women say "I don't want a ring right now. I just want to know if we're both on the same page for the future." But most men don't believe that. They think if they say "Yes, I want to get married someday" you're going to take it as a green light to start planning the wedding and he's going to come home one day and find a dozen Tiffany & Co. catalogs strategically placed around his house.

I don't think you have to wait around until he brings it up if it's that important to you. But, as my mom would say, don't aim the gun unless you're willing to pull the trigger. What would you do if he said "I'm just not sure if I want to get married" or, even worse, "I don't think I really want to get married at all?" Are you ready to cut your losses and move on in either of those instances?