When to Have the Marriage Talk

DMZ_1

A lot of this answer depends on your own vision for your future. Keep in my that Generation Y (the births of the 1980s) are going to be a far less stable generation than their parents or grandparents. The norms are different.

It looks like there is a conflict in goals. After 2.5 years, I think you two should at least be able to discuss the future in general terms. It doesn't necessarily need to be specific plan, just as long as you have some degree of a shared vision.

If you decide to start over, the sooner the better. The younger you are, the more attractive that you will be to prospective males. Also, you won't have the baggage of a child, a divorce or both. Better to be with someone who sees things as you do.

While I would not suggest to break up this second, just be aware of the importance of being able to have open discussions and a common vision of where things are going.

odusgolp

I am married since 2006. I didn't get married till my 30's though, when I was ready. I lived together first too, against parents wishes. I was no were near ready when I was 25.
I can get all of those things you mentioned without marriage (see cake[eating]). Only if one of us dies, or some other tragic circumstance would that even matter. I suppose one thing that changed, was we only have one health care policy as opposed to two. I also have a ring, and once a year I get to watch a dvd of the event.

You have to watch the DVD every year? You poor thing. Come lay your head on my boobies and let me pet you...

davepavone

so from a old mans point of view If you cant talk now !!! What are you thinking

aippolito1

Sorry, but if 2 1/2 years in and he doesn't even want to talk about the POSSIBILITY of marriage, and you do, there's a problem.

My boyfriend (also of 2 1/2 years) and I have talked about marriage from the beginning...when we wanted it, if we wanted, how we wanted it ... I mock-proposed on leap day and he said he thinks it's too soon to get married (he's said from the beginning that he couldn't marry anyone without living with them at least 3 years first). So that is that.

MinnieInMaine

This is a tough one... At face value I think this is the stereotypical scenario of a man saying something and a woman trying to analyze it and figure out exactly what he means by that. IMHO, he's already given you his answer... He's not ready and that means he's not even ready to put a time limit on it because that feels like an ultimatum to him. Step one would be to attempt to put it another way, not using years but asking at what point financially, professionally, etc that he'll think you all will be ready. As a committed couple, you should be sharing your goals and dreams and plans with each other - otherwise what's the point?

I think step two is for you to figure out whether or not this is a dealbreak and/or at what point it will be. Do you give him another six months or a year? Don't communicate that with him necessarily as no one likes an ultimatum...just do this for yourself so at least you have your own plan.

My hubs was scared of commitment but in our case, it was ok because I was just as scared (if not more so) as he was so it wasn't a dealbreaker. That's what happens when you're children of divorce and have also seen most of your friends go through the whole bliss, marriage, divorce cycle. We moved in together within two months of meeting because we loved spending all our time together and we were fully committed (faithful, work on staying together, etc) from the beginning - we even bought a house together - but it took us 11 years to finally decide to take the plunge! And we're really glad we did.

Josie_lifting_cats

Okay, so I was the feet-dragger in our relationship. That said, I've learned something important.

If you wait until the "right time" to do it, it may never happen.

You have to make the right time.

If you wait until you can afford the wedding and marriage you want to have, it may never happen.

If you wait until you can "afford" kids (depending on people's definition), it may never happen.

The perfect wedding for us didn't happen. We just decided one day that we were done with trying to plan. We got married that week at the courthouse.

We had our children when we knew we could manage our household, but sometimes money is tight. And I think at the time I was worried we wouldn't be able to manage. But I can honestly say my son is almost four and I've never missed a daycare payment, doctor's appointment, or preschool tuition payment. We make it happen. I might be buying my new smaller clothes used, but that's okay - it's not the perfect situation per se, but it's perfect for us.

So if he doesn't want to talk about it at all, I'd be concerned. If he's going to wait until it's perfect, you may have a LONG wait ahead of you.

supertracylynn

What is the point of marriage in the first place? Tax purposes? If your relationship isn't broken, why are you trying to fix it?

Hypothetically, you two get married, then decide you're not right for each other in 3-10 years. Now you have a messy divorce, trying to legally separate your stuff and money. In situations like that, it's easier to stay married to each other since the legal ramifications SUCK.

On the flip side, you two live together, as you are right now. In 3-10 years you two decide you're not right for each other. You take your stuff, he takes his, and you move on, no divorce. You two are not legally bound to each other, so disengaging is more of an emotional thing.

In both scenarios, if you two stay together forever, then good on you. All is happy, all is well.

Linbo93

My fiancee took 5 years of dating to propose. But we discussed the possibilty of the relationship leading to marraige by the 2nd year of dating. We both agreed we wanted to take our time with the relationship before taking the leap, but we openly discussed from pretty early on our thoughts on marraige, and our thoughts on a marraige together.

If he can't even talk about it in theory, I'd be willing to bet he's avoiding it for a reason. Try to get to the bottom of that if you can. If you both have different plans for your futures, you should know this now so you can make an informed decision. Good luck!

jodicurt

I would really think long and hard about staying with someone who can't even talk about marriage. After being together for 2.5 years most people know if they want to marry the person. It sounds like you want to get married and don't want to waste years of your life waiting for him to make a decision. That is not being "a girl", that is normal. If you two don't want the same thing, that doesn't make either of you bad, it just means you want something different. Good luck with everything!

StrengthIDidntKnow

When I was dating my husband, we heard 2 completely different conversations. After we were together about 2 years, all I wanted to know was if he saw him marrying me. It didn't have to be right then and there, I just wanted to know that he saw it happen eventually. He took it as why aren't you proposing.

When I was in my mid-twenties, I was dating this guy that had just turned 30. We never had the marriage talk but he said something to me that has stuck with me since then. It went something like, "at this point in my life, if I can't see myself marrying the girl at somepoint then I will end the relationship. It may not happen for years but I don't want to stay with someone who I don't see a future with, jsut because things are really good now."

liftingbro

Sorry, but if 2 1/2 years in and he doesn't even want to talk about the POSSIBILITY of marriage, and you do, there's a problem.

I have to agree with this. Most of the married guys I know knew with in 9-12 months that there was a strong possibility of marrying. They may not have proposed yet at that point but they were thinking about it at least. Me, I was smitten and propsed after 6 months.

However, this largely depends on age. My friends and I were in our late 20's early 30's when we all got married.

Saffyra

I would think that after 2.5 years that this conversation would have come up many times.

I'm not an expert but in my case, my then boyfriend (now husband) was talking about marriage six months into the relationship. We were married on the 2 year mark.

Maybe some guys just want to get married and others don't?

As long as you both have jobs (which I think is the main part, you need to be able to support yourselves) I don't see how finances could be an issue. You'll have the same finances now as you do when you're married. Being married won't make a difference to those, will it? Except that you'll only have one rent/mortgage.

You've invested a lot of your time, love, and energy in this man and I can completely understand how you want things to progress!

My question would be do you want to stay with him? Sometimes we ask questions we already know the answers to because we don't really like the answer our heart has come up with.

I wish you the very best in your career, your plans for the future and in finding the best for yourself!

BAMFMeredith

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years. We have discussed marriage, and although we aren't engaged right now, we are both on the same page with where our relationship is going.

One way that I approached the topic the first time was talking about our life goals in general. You said he is a recent college grad just starting out his career---that is REALLY stressful! And men (in general) automatically want to know they can provide for a family before even thinking about getting married. It's just their nature to want to take care of you (even though they don't have to). This was a struggle with my boyfriend and I, as my professional life developed more quickly than his did. Now that we are both working professionals with clear career goals, we have a much easier time discussing our future.

Talk about where he sees himself professionally in 5, 10 years. Talk about what kind of life he envisions for himself, and discuss those same things for yourself. If it turns out your life and and career goals are TOTALLY different, then maybe rethinking the whole marriage discussion would be a good idea. When you can both openly discuss your life goals, then the marriage talk will fall into place. But 2 1/2 years is such a short amount of time in the big picture of your adult life, enjoy your relationship right now and support him in his developing career.

Josie_lifting_cats

I was with my wife for 8 years before we got married. Been together now for 21 years. Had she given me an ultimatum it would have been a deal breaker.

Yeah, I kind of suspect that if my husband had given me an ultimatum, I would have bolted, too.

That said, she's not talking about that, she just wants to discuss the possibility. And I was more than willing to admit that I wanted to get married eventually.

jcpmoore

May I share my experience with you? My husband have been married now for 10 years. Before that, we dated for 5. Before that, we knew each other as friends for 4. It was a long relationship. At 2.5 years, he really wasn't ready to talk marriage, either. I felt like you do-I was in my late 20s, didn't want to face finding someone in my 30s, etc. It's a scary thought to face life alone when you think you have someone you want to spend it with instead. What we *did* do is talk about our relationship, rather than the prospect of marriage itself.

My recommendation is that you ask him to talk about the future. Even tell him that you can leave the M word out of it. There might be a LOT of reasons why the word marriage isn't one he's ready to hear right now. What you do need to know is if he sees his future as being with you. So sit down and both of you share where you see yourselves in five years. Again, try to leave the marriage word out of it. If you're okay with not being married in five years, then don't put that in your view. If you see your future in fives years including him, though, tell him how.

Let him tell you what he sees as his future and your shared future in five years. See how those visions mesh, if they do. I think if you skip the word he might be better able to share.

If those visions do mesh, then it's worth to find a separate time to ask him what it is about marriage that bothers him. It sounds like he might have some issues that he needs to work out about it.

HTH

billsica

You have to watch the DVD every year? You poor thing. Come lay your head on my boobies and let me pet you...

^^^^ this

TinkrBelz

Ya, I would think that he should be able to atleast talk about it.

I started dating my DH at 18 (he was 20) We knew that we would get married. I do not know how...but we just knew. BUT, because we were so young, we wanted to wait a bit. We wanted me to finish my technical degree ad he was to finish his BA.

We got married 2 year later....he worked on his masters and PhD while we were married. We did not have kids right away either. Now we have been married for almost 22 years and have 6 kids.

So, even though we were not ready to marry at 18/20...we still talked about it. He knew that I was not rushing anything or forcing him. AND, he never thought he would marry at 22...he always thought he would be in his 30s....then I came along!!

I understand not wanting to go another 3-5 years just to find out that you are not the one he wants to marry. I might be wrong, but I would think that he already knows if you are the one that he wants to be with the rest of his life. Out of respect, he should let you know. AND, if he tells you, "Hey, I care for you, but I do not see us ever getting married." then you know the truth and you can decide if you want to stay with him

Also a good marriage has to have communication. If he can not talk to about this, then how will he be able to communicate with you on other important issues?.

Carl01

Does he flat out say he wants to get married with someone some day or does he completely avoid the topic of marriage?
If the latter is the case then at least for now he is still keeping his options open to play the field.

He completely avoids the topic, but also says things about how he could never find someone who loves him like I do, who puts up with him like I do, who he could love as much as me, etc etc. Conflicting statements going on!

No way I can say for sure but it sounds to me like he is just keeping his foot in the door for as long as he needs.
Sorry,hope I am wrong but as a guy I bet not.

LilRedRooster

I agree with another poster: If you wait for the "right time" and "right circumstance", it will never come, and you'll never get married, because opportunity is what you make of it. If you want to get married, then you should be able to get married. If he doesn't want to get married, there's nothing you can do about it. If you really want to be with him despite him not being married, then that's up to you. You just have to decide if you're willing to give you your idea of marriage for the right person.

Personally, I'm not into the idea of marrying someone who doesn't know for sure if they want to be married. Honestly, I'm not into the idea of marriage in general, because I know that people change, and unless both people are completely, absolutely certain that they want to spend 65+ years together, than it won't work. And if you want to spend the rest of your life together with someone, you'll know, and you'll know earlier in the relationship than two years, even if you don't live together.

Good luck!

Siannah

I'm getting married this year, after ten years together, a mortgage and two kids. The marriage is just the cherry really.

Personally I think you're both quite young and I can't see the urgency of wanting to get married. But I don't understand why you can't talk about it with him?

emelou6

This is a difficult one. I am also in my mid-20s; my boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. We had the "talk" about 3 years into our relationship (he actually initiated it). I am probably more akin to the "stereotypical guy" as I really don't like to talk about feelings etc (I know, I have issues). :laugh:

However, (now I will get to my point), I think the way my boyfriend approached the question may be helpful to you. At that point in our relationship we were not living together; I had an apartment on my own he still lived with his family. Anyways, he posed the question relative to our taking the step to move in together (he had to move about an hour away, get a new job etc – so it was a big step for him and he wanted some type of “commitment” from me that we were serious, and that I also wanted to continue to move in “that direction” with our relationship). Now I never “promised” I would marry him, but I told him if things continued to go as well as they were going that it was absolutely something I would want. Now three years later we took a bigger step and purchased a home (we also adopted to furry babies along the way) and I think a ring is in the very near future. He has been great at moving slowly as not to scare me off :laugh: . So maybe (if it is something you want) talk about taking a step forward? Living arrangements, etc? Just my 2 cents!

At the end of the day you both need to be comfortable with the direction things are moving. There is no telling what may happen in the future, but I think understanding each other’s goals is really important as a relationship progresses.

Good luck to you guys!

mjbrenner

All guys are different, but as a guy, I can say that I was pretty much unwilling to discuss marriage with my now-wife until I was sure we should get married. I wanted to be with her, but I was not read to commit to marriage. Then, after work one day, I just sort of realized that she was the girl I should marry, and it was unfair to her for me to keep putting it off for no real reason. Some guys just run very hot/cold when it comes to marriage, and you don't know if he is getting close to that line or not.

All of that said, this was 1.75 years into our relationship. I feel that if you are two years into a relationship, and you are both adults, there is not real reason to not know if you want to get married or not. It is not exactly rocket science, but for their own reasons, many people have a huge mental block when it comes to commitment.

Is it possible that he felt you came on too strong or caught him by surprise when you talked to him about it? It could help to set aside some time in the near future for the two of you to discuss your feelings on the idea of marriage. Let him know that you want to talk about your feelings on marriage, not about the two of you getting married right now or even soon. Agree upon a time a couple days out to have the conversation, and then make sure you give him some space to talk to his buddies, spend time alone in thought, or anything else. He may not know his own feelings on the topic, and he may need to take some time to figure it out. Do not avoid him - just give him space. When the time comes to talk, sit down on the sofa, cuddle, and listen to what he has to say. Do not press him for an answer, but really let him talk about his hopes and fears, and you do the same to a lesser extent (you already know your feelings and do not need to figure them out, so let the conversation be good for him).

To open up on this, he likely needs to feel safe, and fair or not, it sounds like your earlier conversations may have set him on edge. Part of feeling safe might mean that he brings it up randomly earlier than your appointment. Just be ready for this and let him talk. Society has very subtly conflicting ideals of manhood, and this can make life decisions hard on guys. Feeling safe to have this sort of conversation with you will draw you closer together.

Wow, I wrote more than I meant to, I just feel like the reality of this sort of thing is much more nuanced than the simple truth that you deserve to know where your relationship stands. You do deserve to know, but he may not yet have an answer for that question. Best of luck to you, and I hope you can work this out.

IpuffyheartHeelsinthegym

I think it is understandable to want to figure out what the future MAY look like. I do not think that is nagging, pushing, or giving an ultimatum. Its being curious if there is or isn't a future for the two of you. After 2.5 years, I think you deserve that much.

mumster63

I had to "start again" at 43. Nothing is forever anyway.

noiva

I would think that after 2.5 years that this conversation would have come up many times.

I'm not an expert but in my case, my then boyfriend (now husband) was talking about marriage six months into the relationship. We were married on the 2 year mark.

Maybe some guys just want to get married and others don't?

As long as you both have jobs (which I think is the main part, you need to be able to support yourselves) I don't see how finances could be an issue. You'll have the same finances now as you do when you're married. Being married won't make a difference to those, will it? Except that you'll only have one rent/mortgage.

You've invested a lot of your time, love, and energy in this man and I can completely understand how you want things to progress!

My question would be do you want to stay with him? Sometimes we ask questions we already know the answers to because we don't really like the answer our heart has come up with.

I wish you the very best in your career, your plans for the future and in finding the best for yourself!

Thank you! I teared up a little at the end of your post. So sweet.

zsaoosh

He needs to grow up and communicate with you. He should care enough to talk about future goals and plans. 2.5 years is a long time to not want to talk about the rest of your life. Timelines are not bad, it is YOUR life too and you need to know where you stand in order to make the best choices for YOUR life.

sammi402

When I told him that he needed to be able to talk to me about the future, and if he couldn't, then there was no need to continue the relationship, he was mad that I "gave him an ultimatum" and to "do what I thought I had to do." Sigh...

^^ That right there answers your question. He's telling you to run the other direction darlin. I suggest you take his advice now. If he's not mature enough to discussthe future like an adult then you don't have one and he's saying loud and clear.

wickedcricket

WHY do ppl make life so complicated? This is an absolute no-brainer to me. There is NO reason for you to be exclusive with this person. NONE. Date other people. Get on with YOUR life. (you can see him too) IF and when he 'puts a ring on it' THEN you can be exclusive. And if he doesn't, well you have 'fall-back' guys.

I cannot for the life of me understand WHY women act like they're married when they're not. Then, their 'boyfriend' of 10 years dumps them for the woman he really wants to be with and they're all boo-hoo!
pft. WHY are you putting YOUR life and future in this man's hands when he has given you NO commitment?
I don't know what they're teaching in college but it sure in he77 isn't common sense

dovesgate

I'm in my second marriage. He asked me to marry him 6 months or so into our relationship. I told him to propose again when he had a ring and had asked my father for his blessing. It only took about a month for him to arrange speaking to my dad and a couple weeks for the ring. I agreed to marry him but then I put off planning the wedding for two years. Then I pushed back the wedding for another year. We finally got married on our 4th dating anniversary and this is the first year our years married outnumbers our years dating.

I simply wasn't ready to attempt another serious commitment. It didn't matter that we lived together and had a child together, you can still pack your stuff and go if need be. Sure, with a child you have to deal with the other person for at least 18 years but you can still easily break up and move on without needing the paperwork. It's funny how marriage is so much more serious to me than a child out of wedlock but that is how it is.

I can tell you that if he had ever given me an ultimatum I would never have married him. I don't recall us ever sitting down to have a discussion of our future. I don't think I've ever had a sit down super serious "We must talk about our future nao" kind of discussion with any of my ex boyfriends either. Talking about it in a general sort of way? Sure, but it's never been about how I must know how I fit into his future if at all.

liftingbro

I had to "start again" at 43. Nothing is forever anyway.

Marriage is supposed to be forever. When I told my wife "forever" in my vows, I meant forever. The only way we won't be married is if sh decides to get rid of me, but she thinks the same way as I do. Short of cheating or abuse (there have been none of either by either of us) we'll die married.

Sorry it didn't workout for you though, it's always difficult when I see that happen to people I know.