When to Have the Marriage Talk

thepetiterunner

Your feelings are totally understandable and I've had many, many mid-20 something friends in your boat.

Having said that, sometimes guys view having the "talk" as "I need to make a commitment to this now", versus you, who just wants to know where you stand.

Honestly, if you know what you want, better to have it now in the open and address that you might not be in the same place rather than waste your time. I made the mistake of waiting for 5 years for someone to be "ready" or to be the person I needed him to be.

You get what you have right in front of you - there's nothing more, and nothing less. People who want to get married, get married. Those that don't, will find any reason (read: excuse) not to. It's that simple.

liftingbro

So, if he told you, you're the type of girl that he could marry some day would that be enough? Or are you wanting him to be more formal?

Honestly, I don't think that would be enough. I would need to hear something like: "I'm not ready yet, but in the future, I'd like to marry you."

Well, you need to sit him down and ask him if that's what he thinks. If you are not going to be happy without knowing that he plans to marry you then you need to say so (in a none nagging way).

BerryH

I just don't want for us to date for 3-5 more years, all the while this is up in the air, and then he decides that he's not a marriage guy or I'm not the girl for him.

^^^ Nothing stopping this happening after you've got married. It happens one way or the other in nearly half of all marriages.

noiva

You're so witty!

BL_Coleman

Why would he want to get married? What benefit does get get out of this one?
Do you live with him? Are you saving yourself for marriage?

Its like having your cake, and eating it too.

Your single huh? According to this belief, women and marriage is only for sex. Lets forget about friendship, love, and support and the financial security of two incomes working towards a goal that both of you want.

- Lived with my BF for four years, we hit four marriage in April. ( Both of our familes would have killed us if we got married when 1. I was ruined 2. started living together)

odusgolp

Just my two cents... but I don't think it's this huge insurmountable red flag that he's not eager to discuss marriage. You two are young and it's understandable. But see if you can't have a really frank conversation about your futures. If you can't even discuss something so serious after 2.5 years, that's more concerning to me than whether or not you get hitched.

DeeJayTJ

2.5 years isnt very long and a lot can change in a very short time.

if you guys do decide to get hitched good luck.

KimmieBrie

Have the talk now because obviously you want to. But even if you get him to say what you want to hear, know that it may never come to be.
You're both in your mid 20s... and things change. I don't know many men who are ready at their mid 20s and therefore are uncomfortable with the discussion. Maybe he just isn't sure what he wants and when you aren't sure you don't want to talk marriage. It sounds like you're ready for something he isn't.... like I think you'd be OK with a long engagement, and he isn't ready to make that commitment.

Before you get married you should be able to openly discuss finances, children, the future life you want to build... if you can't discuss those things you/he isn't ready.

lour441

I was with my wife for 8 years before we got married. Been together now for 21 years. Had she given me an ultimatum it would have been a deal breaker.

billsica

Why would he want to get married? What benefit does get get out of this one?
Do you live with him? Are you saving yourself for marriage?

Its like having your cake, and eating it too.

Your single huh? According to this belief, women and marriage is only for sex. Lets forget about friendship, love, and support and the financial security of two incomes working towards a goal that both of you want.

- Lived with my BF for four years, we hit four marriage in April. ( Both of our familes would have killed us if we got married when 1. I was ruined 2. started living together)

I am married since 2006. I didn't get married till my 30's though, when I was ready. I lived together first too, against parents wishes. I was no were near ready when I was 25.
I can get all of those things you mentioned without marriage (see cake[eating]). Only if one of us dies, or some other tragic circumstance would that even matter. I suppose one thing that changed, was we only have one health care policy as opposed to two. I also have a ring, and once a year I get to watch a dvd of the event.

DMZ_1

A lot of this answer depends on your own vision for your future. Keep in my that Generation Y (the births of the 1980s) are going to be a far less stable generation than their parents or grandparents. The norms are different.

It looks like there is a conflict in goals. After 2.5 years, I think you two should at least be able to discuss the future in general terms. It doesn't necessarily need to be specific plan, just as long as you have some degree of a shared vision.

If you decide to start over, the sooner the better. The younger you are, the more attractive that you will be to prospective males. Also, you won't have the baggage of a child, a divorce or both. Better to be with someone who sees things as you do.

While I would not suggest to break up this second, just be aware of the importance of being able to have open discussions and a common vision of where things are going.

odusgolp

I am married since 2006. I didn't get married till my 30's though, when I was ready. I lived together first too, against parents wishes. I was no were near ready when I was 25.
I can get all of those things you mentioned without marriage (see cake[eating]). Only if one of us dies, or some other tragic circumstance would that even matter. I suppose one thing that changed, was we only have one health care policy as opposed to two. I also have a ring, and once a year I get to watch a dvd of the event.

You have to watch the DVD every year? You poor thing. Come lay your head on my boobies and let me pet you...

davepavone

so from a old mans point of view If you cant talk now !!! What are you thinking

aippolito1

Sorry, but if 2 1/2 years in and he doesn't even want to talk about the POSSIBILITY of marriage, and you do, there's a problem.

My boyfriend (also of 2 1/2 years) and I have talked about marriage from the beginning...when we wanted it, if we wanted, how we wanted it ... I mock-proposed on leap day and he said he thinks it's too soon to get married (he's said from the beginning that he couldn't marry anyone without living with them at least 3 years first). So that is that.

MinnieInMaine

This is a tough one... At face value I think this is the stereotypical scenario of a man saying something and a woman trying to analyze it and figure out exactly what he means by that. IMHO, he's already given you his answer... He's not ready and that means he's not even ready to put a time limit on it because that feels like an ultimatum to him. Step one would be to attempt to put it another way, not using years but asking at what point financially, professionally, etc that he'll think you all will be ready. As a committed couple, you should be sharing your goals and dreams and plans with each other - otherwise what's the point?

I think step two is for you to figure out whether or not this is a dealbreak and/or at what point it will be. Do you give him another six months or a year? Don't communicate that with him necessarily as no one likes an ultimatum...just do this for yourself so at least you have your own plan.

My hubs was scared of commitment but in our case, it was ok because I was just as scared (if not more so) as he was so it wasn't a dealbreaker. That's what happens when you're children of divorce and have also seen most of your friends go through the whole bliss, marriage, divorce cycle. We moved in together within two months of meeting because we loved spending all our time together and we were fully committed (faithful, work on staying together, etc) from the beginning - we even bought a house together - but it took us 11 years to finally decide to take the plunge! And we're really glad we did.

Josie_lifting_cats

Okay, so I was the feet-dragger in our relationship. That said, I've learned something important.

If you wait until the "right time" to do it, it may never happen.

You have to make the right time.

If you wait until you can afford the wedding and marriage you want to have, it may never happen.

If you wait until you can "afford" kids (depending on people's definition), it may never happen.

The perfect wedding for us didn't happen. We just decided one day that we were done with trying to plan. We got married that week at the courthouse.

We had our children when we knew we could manage our household, but sometimes money is tight. And I think at the time I was worried we wouldn't be able to manage. But I can honestly say my son is almost four and I've never missed a daycare payment, doctor's appointment, or preschool tuition payment. We make it happen. I might be buying my new smaller clothes used, but that's okay - it's not the perfect situation per se, but it's perfect for us.

So if he doesn't want to talk about it at all, I'd be concerned. If he's going to wait until it's perfect, you may have a LONG wait ahead of you.

supertracylynn

What is the point of marriage in the first place? Tax purposes? If your relationship isn't broken, why are you trying to fix it?

Hypothetically, you two get married, then decide you're not right for each other in 3-10 years. Now you have a messy divorce, trying to legally separate your stuff and money. In situations like that, it's easier to stay married to each other since the legal ramifications SUCK.

On the flip side, you two live together, as you are right now. In 3-10 years you two decide you're not right for each other. You take your stuff, he takes his, and you move on, no divorce. You two are not legally bound to each other, so disengaging is more of an emotional thing.

In both scenarios, if you two stay together forever, then good on you. All is happy, all is well.

Linbo93

My fiancee took 5 years of dating to propose. But we discussed the possibilty of the relationship leading to marraige by the 2nd year of dating. We both agreed we wanted to take our time with the relationship before taking the leap, but we openly discussed from pretty early on our thoughts on marraige, and our thoughts on a marraige together.

If he can't even talk about it in theory, I'd be willing to bet he's avoiding it for a reason. Try to get to the bottom of that if you can. If you both have different plans for your futures, you should know this now so you can make an informed decision. Good luck!

jodicurt

I would really think long and hard about staying with someone who can't even talk about marriage. After being together for 2.5 years most people know if they want to marry the person. It sounds like you want to get married and don't want to waste years of your life waiting for him to make a decision. That is not being "a girl", that is normal. If you two don't want the same thing, that doesn't make either of you bad, it just means you want something different. Good luck with everything!

StrengthIDidntKnow

When I was dating my husband, we heard 2 completely different conversations. After we were together about 2 years, all I wanted to know was if he saw him marrying me. It didn't have to be right then and there, I just wanted to know that he saw it happen eventually. He took it as why aren't you proposing.

When I was in my mid-twenties, I was dating this guy that had just turned 30. We never had the marriage talk but he said something to me that has stuck with me since then. It went something like, "at this point in my life, if I can't see myself marrying the girl at somepoint then I will end the relationship. It may not happen for years but I don't want to stay with someone who I don't see a future with, jsut because things are really good now."