DO ALL MEN!! WORRY ABOUT WOMEN WEIGHT

LuLuRunner1

I think it's the men you have. I have been with my husband for 25 years (married for 23). When he met me I weighed 108 pounds. Throughout our marriage I have had 4 children and obviously my weight has been up and down. At my highest point I was just over 200 pounds. I currently hover between 135 and 140. My husband has never treated me any differently no matter what my weight was. If they truly love you, they aren't going to treat you different whether your fat or skinny.

My life almost mirrors yours...with my husband for 24 years, married almost 21. I weighed around 105 pounds in highschool when we met. With each of my 4 pregnancies I gained to around 200+ pounds. I spent most of my 20's in the 160-180 pound range in between having three of the four kids. I've spent the last 6 years are so bouncing between 130 and 145. He has never treated me differently whether I was big or little. He still told me I was beautiful when I was heavier, encouraged me to exercise if that's what I wanted or encouraged me to have that special edible treat when I wanted. I am now in the best shape that I have been in and I sometimes think it scares him just a little. It's good to keep them guessing.

bushidowoman

If we are being honest to a certain degree yes. I can't say all men but most men I know do. Granted having a baby and other life issues adds weight to a woman's body. It is inevitable that the woman you met and had children with is not going to remain the same weight ever again (in most but not all cases). That said a woman does not have to let herself completely go after a child and just give in completely to the weight gain. Work out. Eat right. Do the things you did before the baby.

I'm not saying you need to get down to 110, 120, 140 or whatever. Just care about yourself enough to get in the best shape you can once again. It is important for you and your family. I'm going to keep it real. Too often I see women who feel like I got him now (either married or been together forever) and have his baby. He ain't going nowhere no matter how I look now. What changed from when you were being sought after by him and wanted to look your best?

Granted, I understand all the responses from the women whose man loves them no matter how much they weigh now. That's beautiful. I, however, implore you to ask your man to truthfully tell you if he wishes you dropped a pound or two and got in better shape if you are no longer in shape. You want your man to look and feel his best right? Why not give him the same instead of making all these statements that he loves me just the way I am? Really? Ask him and tell him to be honest. Many times he is afraid to tell you for fear of hurting your feelings.

More importantly, why are you on this site if you are not concerned about your weight and overall health? Too often men and women make excuses about their weight and health such as I'm "big boned it." If you have children it is really important to stay in the best shape possible to enjoy and be there for them for years to come and hopefully run after your grandchildren some day.

Finally, as a wise brother said in an earlier post, it does matter when you are on top! Real talk.

I can totally understand this. I don't think it's wrong of you to feel this way. But I want to ask you and all the other guys who feel this way to try to understand the reality of women's days once we have children.
Does she work outside the home? Does she come home after work and take over the childcare, the house, the fixing dinner, the cleaning up after dinner while you relax in front of the tv? Is she then the one who gets up in the middle of the night when the kids need something? If you do help out around the house, do you offer willingly or does she have to ask? Do you help grudgingly? Does she get frustrated and nag?
If she stays home with the kids all day...do you have a clear understanding of what that's like and what she does all day? Or do you have the mindset that she's home "doing nothing" all day that whatever needs done around the house is "her job"? Have you ever tried to take over the childcare, cleaning, grocery shopping, meal planning and cooking for a day? Do you understand how much time *just* caring for a child can take up? Do you understand that having children attached to you all day makes routine tasks take twice as long as they normally would?
Do you sometimes step in and take over for a bit so that your wife can take the time she needs to take care of herself? Does she ever have ALONE time or time with friends (without children)?

If your wife is not healthy/has let herself go/seems run down/has no energy for sex, and if you think you are doing all you can to help out, I would challenge you to look again and be honest with yourself. Ask your wife what SHE needs from you, listen carefully to what she says, and give it to her. I believe that *in general*, wives whose hubbies take good care of them will also take good care of themselves.

LoraF83

I'm sorry that your husband/boyfriend/significant other made you feel that way. My husband never once commented on my weight and still found me very attractive, if you know what I mean
At my heighest I was 230....I've lost 22lbs and he can't stop telling me how great I look now and how happy he is that I'm getting healthy. I appreciate his attention now, but I love that he never judged me before. But, I knew I was getting a good one when I married him.

jcstanton

That may be your man, but it's not men. Don't blame all of us for the actions of whatever insensitive *kitten* you're with. Wise up and start choosing better partners.

Seriously. How you are treated is the direct result of the quality of man you choose. If you can't find a man of quality stay single.

Which is why I'm 35yrs old and still single. It's been twelve years since I split from my ex (who was a liar, a cheat, and a thief). I refuse to settle for less than what I deserve the second time around. The problem is, most men of quality and honorable character are already spoken for. However, I have learned that, although I'm terribly lonely at times, I am far less miserable being single than I am when I am married to the wrong person.

Edited to add: The "less than what I deserve" comment does not mean that I think I am perfect. I just mean that I work hard to implement into my daily life the same personal character qualities that I look for in a mate. I'm not asking anything of anyone else that I'm not making an effort to do/be myself.

regina2063

YES..that is sooo important...and how long does it take to ask your woman...What can I do to help you...Believe me...Women know the answer...sometimes its, can you help with the kids so i can work out, Stop telling me what NOT to eat ....unless i ask you...

theMightyAnt

That may be your man, but it's not men. Don't blame all of us for the actions of whatever insensitive *kitten* you're with. Wise up and start choosing better partners.

Very true. Yet it's more complicated than that.
Most men I know DO treat weight as an issue, though it's not always because of what you think.
Like women a lot of men like CONFIDENCE and self belief. Often women ...and i hate sweeping statements... who are overweight are also not confident. (yes I know this isn't true a lot of the time)

So do I worry about weight, initially YES, attraction is a strong thing too. Though eventually not so important.
Will it affect who I choose to love in the long run, no.
Will I treat her differently if she puts on weight, that is dependant on a lot of other bigger (no pun intended) factors, if she has become unhappy because of her weight and is no longer confident then yes I may treat her more carefully.

Finally...

then you dont treat us the same anymore

This works both ways, though I am not married and don't have kids a common gripe I here is that once a woman becomes a mother the husband is treated differently.

batlou

Is it possible that the added weight only amplified the OP's insecurities? Why is it just assumed that the OP is somehow the exact same person she was when they began dating. Confidence, at any size, is attractive.

bcattoes

TO ALL!!
DO ALL MEN WORRY ABOUT WOMEN WEIGHT AND WHY....You tell us that we are beautiful...but if we gain weight or have a baby...then you dont treat us the same anymore ....WHY?

All men are not like that. My husband has never treated me any differently no matter what my weight.

ekz13

I think that this a conversation you need to have with your spouse to work out your internal issues and the issues with him, not to a bunch of strangers on the net. Sounds like there are some deeper issues here.

KristysLosing

I met and married my spouse when I was a 12 and 160 pounds.

I initially read this as you were 12 and I was like :noway: But then I re-read it and I was like :laugh:

Same here...I had to read it 3 times. :laugh:

KristysLosing

That may be your man, but it's not men. Don't blame all of us for the actions of whatever insensitive *kitten* you're with. Wise up and start choosing better partners.

Very true. Yet it's more complicated than that.
Most men I know DO treat weight as an issue, though it's not always because of what you think.
Like women a lot of men like CONFIDENCE and self belief. Often women ...and i hate sweeping statements... who are overweight are also not confident. (yes I know this isn't true a lot of the time)

So do I worry about weight, initially YES, attraction is a strong thing too. Though eventually not so important.
Will it affect who I choose to love in the long run, no.
Will I treat her differently if she puts on weight, that is dependant on a lot of other bigger (no pun intended) factors, if she has become unhappy because of her weight and is no longer confident then yes I may treat her more carefully.

Finally...

then you dont treat us the same anymore

This works both ways, though I am not married and don't have kids a common gripe I here is that once a woman becomes a mother the husband is treated differently.

I have to say...I agree with everything here. It's not always just the men and it's not always what we think it is.

KristysLosing

So my husband wants me to lose weight. He has been honest and told me this. BUT-he told me that I was overweight when he met me and when he fell in love with me. I was overweight when he proposed and when we got married. He said that he's not worried about looks, but about my health. He wants me to be able to play with our children and to grow old. I don't take it well, being told he wants me to lose weight, but that's a respectable reason. Not that I usually believe him :laugh: but it's respectable.

JanieJack

Does she work outside the home? Does she come home after work and take over the childcare, the house, the fixing dinner, the cleaning up after dinner while you relax in front of the tv? Is she then the one who gets up in the middle of the night when the kids need something? If you do help out around the house, do you offer willingly or does she have to ask? Do you help grudgingly? Does she get frustrated and nag?
If she stays home with the kids all day...do you have a clear understanding of what that's like and what she does all day? Or do you have the mindset that she's home "doing nothing" all day that whatever needs done around the house is "her job"? Have you ever tried to take over the childcare, cleaning, grocery shopping, meal planning and cooking for a day? Do you understand how much time *just* caring for a child can take up? Do you understand that having children attached to you all day makes routine tasks take twice as long as they normally would?

If more husbands understood this, I bet fewer marriages would fall apart.

regina2063

EVERYBODY SAYS!! my husb dsnt treat any different...Yes, Yes, weve heard this already......BUT ...because he dsnt say anything...does that mean...hes not thinking about it....when he feels your love handles...come on...think about it...not saying anything to offend anyone....we are all grown and just talking....

lilchicksta94

My husband actually tends to like bigger women... that's his personal preference. Does that mean he wants me to be 400 lbs? No. lol But he loved me when he first met me when I was 60 lbs lighter and he still loves me now. He's a very honest person and if I am getting dressed and I ask him the dreaded question, "does this make me look fat?" - I expect an honest answer. He'll say, "ya, your roll is sticking out" lol Do I get mad? No. Because I asked him for his honest opinion and I respect that he gives it to me. He tells me all the time that I am beautiful and nothing has changed since having a baby. I may be a little more tired at night after working out, chasing our son around all day, cooking and cleaning but we still love each other the same. If you're with the right kinda guy then it shouldn't matter. Love is love... I was never attracted to the "superficial" kinda guy anyways....

JanieJack

EVERYBODY SAYS!! my husb dsnt treat any different...Yes, Yes, weve heard this already......BUT ...because he dsnt say anything...does that mean...hes not thinking about it....when he feels your love handles...come on...think about it...not saying anything to offend anyone....we are all grown and just talking....

True...what attracts each guy is different. And what attracts each girl is different (I like my guy to have an extra layer of padding… my ex was 7% body fat, ripped and lean and I never want that again).

It took a lot of extra weight before my ex husband told me I was too huge. What hurt the most was he'd felt that way for awhile, but didn't wanna say anything because I'd lost babies and been on steroids. I called him on it because I noticed that he just wasn't "interested" as he used to be (men have a built-in barometer… if he says you’re beautiful, but there’s no response, unless he has medical issues he’s generally lying).

I now wish we’d never had that conversation because once he found out how much it hurt me he used it as a method of hurting me for the 8 remaining years of our marriage. There’s a difference between being mean and just being insensitive, but caring for someone enough that you learn to say things in a way that is honest yet respectful.

kealambert

Do all men do anything the same?

Poop?

actually, after living in male dorms for ten years, I can guarantee you NO

GroupXZ

That may be your man, but it's not men. Don't blame all of us for the actions of whatever insensitive *kitten* you're with. Wise up and start choosing better partners.

He took the words right out of my mouth.

ValleryK

I understand its a sensitive topic, but I don't see why its bad to actually be concerned about your partner's weight. I mean being overweight IS a health problem.

This.

NoAdditives

TO ALL!!
DO ALL MEN WORRY ABOUT WOMEN WEIGHT AND WHY....You tell us that we are beautiful...but if we gain weight or have a baby...then you dont treat us the same anymore ....WHY?

While my husband does want me to lose weight, mainly so that I'm healthy and set s good example for our kids, he loves me no matter what. He has always been extremely attracted to me and hasn't treated me differently because I had gained weight or had babies. He has found me sexy at every point during out marriage because he's attracted to more than just my body.