STUPID JOKE PARTY!

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12346

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  • DantheMan2517
    DantheMan2517 Posts: 134 Member
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    My friend is a Jehovah's Witness. He got pissed when he tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
  • dibley_98
    dibley_98 Posts: 75 Member
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    How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!

    How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way!

    :smile:
  • gazerofthestars
    gazerofthestars Posts: 255 Member
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    What do you say when someone throws a duck at another duck?
    "Duck, duck!"

    What do the letters D and F in a report card stand for?
    "Doing fine"

    After a discussion on magnets, a teacher wanted to see if her students were paying attention. So she said "My name begins with M and I pick up things. What am I?"
    "Mom" replied a student.

    Why was the computer tired when it got home?
    Because it had a hard drive.
  • SlimSammy2012
    SlimSammy2012 Posts: 893
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    Did you hear the one about the Dwarf that had sex with a Giraffe? Yeah, his friends put him up to it!!! :laugh:
  • maletac
    maletac Posts: 767 Member
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    What's 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period
  • HelloSweetie4
    HelloSweetie4 Posts: 1,214 Member
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    I had this crazy dream last night that I was a muffler on a car...
    I woke up exhausted!
  • MrsObundles
    MrsObundles Posts: 138 Member
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    bump :laugh:
  • chicpeach
    chicpeach Posts: 302 Member
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    What do you call a flock of geese plus 1?

    A spare a goose ===> (asparagus)


    (Made up by my son one day at work - he works in the produce department)
  • carol989
    carol989 Posts: 19
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    a priest, a rabbi, and a black guy walk into a bar....

    "what a wonderful integrated community we live in"
  • Maurice1966
    Maurice1966 Posts: 438 Member
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    What was the pid doing in the kitchen?
    He was bac'n :laugh:
  • Maurice1966
    Maurice1966 Posts: 438 Member
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    2 guys are hunting in the woods--

    One guy looks at the other guys and says "look a dead bird."

    The other guy looks UP and says "Where?"

    Must have been irish hunters
  • ki4yxo
    ki4yxo Posts: 709 Member
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    Here are some good tool definitions.



    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh s..."

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for inadvertently lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts, especially useful for slicing work clothes.

    DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. Usually , the next tool that you will need.
  • DianeG213
    DianeG213 Posts: 253
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    What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the ocean?


    BOB

    What do call a woman with one leg?


    Eileen

    ______________________________________________
    What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?


    Irene



    A.C.E. Certified Personal & Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs waterskiing?

    SKIP

    Laying on the floor?

    MATT
  • juliecat1
    juliecat1 Posts: 3,455 Member
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    Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
    Dr: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
    Patient: "Is it common?"
    Dr: "Well, "It's Not Unusual."

    Now! How many of you have THIS in your head now http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKSxlJPmz40
  • SavageRabidBeast
    SavageRabidBeast Posts: 481 Member
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    Where should a person work with one leg?

    IHOP
  • jcriscuolo
    jcriscuolo Posts: 319 Member
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    Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
  • wbgolden
    wbgolden Posts: 2,071 Member
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    What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the ocean?


    BOB

    What do call a woman with one leg?


    Eileen

    ______________________________________________
    What do you call an Asian woman with one leg?


    Irene



    A.C.E. Certified Personal & Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?

    Russell

    Other variant: Russell could be in the bushes.
  • bikinibeliever
    bikinibeliever Posts: 832 Member
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    What's worse than dreaming about eating a marshmallow and waking up to find your pillow gone??? Dreaming you were eating

    chocolate ice cream and waking up with a spoon hanging out of your butt!
  • balletthin3
    balletthin3 Posts: 5
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    what did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?

    we're both lawyers
  • maletac
    maletac Posts: 767 Member
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    whats up with all the one legged jokes... buncha haters lol

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