Are people shallow if they hit on you after you’ve lost we

MrsGoHard

Maybe people treat us different now because we treat ourselves differently, maybe we’re just more pleasant to be around, maybe we smile more often and a smile is attractive and contagious, maybe you’ve started to evolve into the real you and that shows… Just saying.

This needed to be said.

CynthiaCollin

I don`t think people are shallow. I think we are all attracted to who we are attracted to. I was skinny, then I was overweight for 5 years and now I am my healthy weight again. I always have had a happy personality. When I was thin people hit on me all the time.... young men, old men and yep...sometimes women....lol.... then 2 pregancies later I was 60lbs overweight....same personality and nooone flirted let alone hit on me. Keep in mind that I always dress myelf nicely and always look put together....I like makeup and perfum and looking good.Now I pretty much lost all the weight and look like my former self, and it has started again. I have been asked out on dates.... I am told often how attractive I am.....It is weird. But I look of my overweight pictures and I look at my now pictures, and well I look like a healthy young women which I did not before. I look at all the success stories and people who have succeeded to lose weight look healthier, happier and younger....who wouldn`t find it attractive.

saragato

It's only shallow if the person has known you at your biggest and now knows you at your goal weight and the attraction comes only from the fact you have lost weight. Someone can know you and seem interested only after you lose because as someone else mentioned, when you lose and see your progress your confidence goes up and confidence is a BIG turn on for just about everyone. When I first began dating my boyfriend and gained confidence from the relationship (I was 300lbs and had always had negative attention from men, so the positive attention and affection really boosted me) I had other guys hitting on me at least once a week. Yeah I was still big, but I had a different attitude.

It's so easy to assume that the weight is all that changed their mind about you. And if you're unsure, ask them or have a mutual friend ask if you're wary of his honesty. It's better to know for sure than to just assume someone's a shallow-minded d*ck and only wants you because you're hot now.

jessicae1aine

Hmmm... I can see both sides.

If this guy talked to you regularly before, but never took the time to flirt, but now is? Yeah, that's shallow - because how you look shouldn't overshadow who you are. If this guy was a mostly- or complete-stranger, then not shallow so much, because he didn't know who you are as a person.

But, I agree with the idea that you're probably exuding more confidence and that is attractive in general. If that's what brought about the difference, then no, not shallow.

jcstanton

i just don't think it's shallow to NOT hit on someone you don't find attractive though. I date fit guys. am i shallow because i don't date fat guys?

I don't think it's shallow not to date someone whom you don't find attractive, whether it's because of weight or any other reason. It is shallow, however, to assume that they aren't worth getting to know a little better just because you don't happen to like the way they look. I've known guys that I thought were the most gorgeous thing to ever walk the planet....until I had a few conversations with them. Then I realized that they weren't as awesome as their faces/bodies implied that they were. I've also met guys that I wasn't initially attracted to, but once I got to know them and their personal characters, my perception of their physical attractiveness began to change as well. Don't shut someone out just because there is no initial attraction. That's not something that always happens instantaniously. You could be passing up the one guy who could make you happier than any other just because he weighs a little more than you think he should.

Jambe

Well. Im a guy but I noticed a significant difference in the way people treat me while working. Now when I smile and engagethe they will actually smile back and try to converse. Before it was more of a dismissal or like I wasnt there. Hey- could you please sign here. And put your phone number and time you get off work below There were a few genuine people though who still treat me the same. Well. Maybe just a tad friendlier.. hah.

. It took a while to get used to new size- Im still very large. But lean. I didnt quite walk right or have total balance- Id go to jump or hop up some steps or a curb/ into my truck and completely misgauge it and overshoot. Lil things like that take some time to adjust to. Dont even get me started on clothing. Form fitting is so foreign to me >< I guess going from a 3x to medium will do that.

saragato

I'm betting I read the same post the OP did because I'd been thinking about this. The woman really seemed angry that she was getting hit on now that she was thin.

Here's the truth. She was just man-hating. It's a favorite pasttime of women. Especially around here.

Truth is SHE didn't even like herself when she was heavier. And that infected her brain and every part of her daily life. It's true for all of us (most of us). It's why we came here, to make a change.

But that's not easy to admit. It's easier just to blame men and call them shallow. The truth is she has her own issues to deal with.

I'm a woman and I totally agree with this. I can't tell you the crapton of man-bashing I saw when I was a member of a relationship website. Boyfriend gets blamed for this, husband gets yelled at for that, girl contemplated breakup because her man went to a strip bar (unwillingly) because it was his buddy's birthday and he was the DD for the night. It's crap.

I think the misconceptions of feminism and women's rights gives some the idea that it's OK to man-bash. Yet if a guy woman-bashed he's a sexist and a bigot and a pig and should burn in hell, yadda yadda.

osualex

Hmm...for me it depends.

Of course, when you're at your optimal weight people are going to find you more attractive, whether it be random strangers or people you know. Taking good care of yourself will make people take notice. It doesn't make someone shallow if they are attracted to you at your most attractive!

However, if I knew someone really well, and they became interested in me only after I lost the weight, it would bug me. They certainly have the right to be attracted to whatever they want, but I feel like if I knew a person really well, eventually, they would have to see past any weight. I've been attracted to guys who maybe weren't the most attractive because I got to know them really well and their personalities mattered more. Some people are more visually drawn to people though, and that's that. Also, some people are more confident when they lose weight, which will make anyone more attracted to you.

I agree with the others that it is superficial, but not necessarily shallow.

saragato

Hmmm... I can see both sides.

If this guy talked to you regularly before, but never took the time to flirt, but now is? Yeah, that's shallow - because how you look shouldn't overshadow who you are. If this guy was a mostly- or complete-stranger, then not shallow so much, because he didn't know who you are as a person.

But, I agree with the idea that you're probably exuding more confidence and that is attractive in general. If that's what brought about the difference, then no, not shallow.

Of course we're not taking into account what her end of any of the conversations were. If you're putting out signals that you're uncomfortable or possibly not interested then the guy's not going to try and force small talk to get to know you. If you're paying attention, keeping eye contact, and engaged in the conversation then yeah he might find you worth the time and begin to flirt. It's not shallow that the interest was held off if, to him, she was giving the 'no' signal.

leslielt

If a guy hits on you after you've gained weight was he shallow for not hitting on you when you weighed less?

^ exactly! I'm not attracted to skinny people (not refering to healthy people but the ones that look like they've been starving for 3 years) nor am I attracted to the guy that's 1,000 pounds but even with that there's exceptions.

jcstanton

Now when I smile and engage them, they will actually smile back and try to converse. Before it was more of a dismissal or like I wasnt there.

Thank you. :flowerforyou: It's very hard to explain this to some people. They dismiss it and say, "You just weren't confident enough before." That may be true in some cases, but not all the time. I've always been one to try to be friendly to other people. However, sometimes, when I try to strike up conversations with people, they just give me a half-hearted, insincere smile and nod....very rarely do they ever actually speak to me. Like I'm not worthy of talking to them. I've only lost 45lbs (I still have 120lbs to go before reaching my goal), but I've gained LOADS of confidence. However, this STILL happens to me ALL the time. So, no, it's NOT always a lack of confidence that causes this problem. I'm not insisting that everyone should still be attracted to me even though I'm fat, but would it kill you to at least show a little friendliness? I don't think it's shallow to not be attracted to someone, but it is shallow to instantly decide that you don't like them or that they are not worth talking to because of the way they look.

ljnftw

Well I guess it is time for my first post.

I think it comes down to comfort, not settling but truly feeling at ease and able to be vulnerable. If you can make a person feel comfortable with you they will be open to becoming closer (i.e., friendship or more.)

My wife and I will celebrate our 33rd anniversary in less than 2 weeks. On our wedding day I was a trim and buff 150 pounds and she was a super-hot 100 pounds. 33 years and six children later we are both approaching 50% heavier than we were back when we were both 18. I know that I am not as physically attractive as I once was. My beautiful full hair is long gone; actually there is more on my chin than on my shiny dome. And I still have that wrestler’s physique, but now it looks more like a Sumo Wrestler.

I still truly find my wife the hottest little grandma that I have ever seen.

Yet I am mostly attracted to her comfort with me. She makes me feel comfortable with her as well. I can just be me and not feel judged (most of the time) and know I can be vulnerable around her. Her smile when I walk into the room is the same as it was over three decades ago and I could care less how much she weighs, that smile would continue to warm my heart.

I could go on but I think this is the gist of what I want to say. As you become more comfortable around others and with yourself you can make others more comfortable around you. Once you feel more attractive others will see you as attractive as well.

There will be some that see you as no more than a friend, but honestly that is OK. I have many very attractive friends and they will never be more than that. When you find that one, that special one, the world will open for you and yet be totally closed on that one at the same time.

If your friend is starting to be comfortable around you, you are the one that is different not him.

Congratulations and keep up the good work.:happy:

fbmandy55

While I don't think it is shallow to be interested in a person after they've lost weight, I still think the world is still full of people who see overweight people as lepers.

I see on my facebook, in public and on tv people openly bash overweight people. I have seen grown men glare at a heavy woman passing by and snicker and joke about her being fat. I have seen a friend on facebook post that she is proud to live in the healthiest state, because Colorado was recognized as least overweight ( I had to remind her that skinny does not mean healthy). Her view is that oveweight people sicken her and make her want to vomit. I've even seen people post here, how much fat people sicken them.

So while I don't think it is shallow, I still think there are far too many people who will not give a person time of day, simply because they are fat.

Bronx_Montgomery

Obviously not because the person who is losing the weight is doing it for 2 reasons. To be healthy and to get hit on by others who wouldn't normally hit on them.

iceqieen

OP - you win :flowerforyou:

elysianashes

This is going to come off as harsh perhaps... I hope it doesn't offend anyone. I am saying this as someone who needs to lose a lot of weight, so anything that comes off as nasty to fat people also applies to myself, if that makes sense.

1. There seems to be this mentality that it's okay to be fat because people should accept you for who you are. While the latter part is definitely true, I think people use this as a crutch to say, "so I shouldn't have to change." You have the right to squeeze into jeans that are two sizes too small, and I have the right to think your muffin-top doesn't look very good. You have the right to eat five Big Macs a day, and I have the right to think you shouldn't. So while I agree that it's your prerogative to do those things, and honestly I won't even judge you that much for them, I don't think that you can really complain that someone else dislikes them. I fell into this trap for a long time and that's what got me to the point I am today. I thought, "Well, if someone doesn't like it, that's their problem, not mine, and they can suck it." But would I have preferred to be skinny? Hell yes. So really it was my problem too but I tried to project it onto others.

2. Being overweight makes my face heavier, which makes my eyelids droop, my cheeks droop, the corners of my mouth turn down... I just LOOK depressed whether I am or not. I breathe heavily when I walk up a flight of stairs. I snore. I don't go out and do as much because I know I'll get tired faster than everyone else. That's not attractive. I mean I hate to say it, but it's human nature that there are just not as many people attracted to 400-pounders as there are people attracted to, say, 130-pounders. Part of that is that the more you weigh, the less fit you seem/are, and instinct tells us that we want to be with someone who's healthy enough to live til they're 80, ya know?

These lead me into my main point...


3. Why am I trying to lose weight? To look and feel better. If I want myself to look better.... why would I think that others should not feel the same way? To say "I want to look better, but shame on that guy for noticing me now that I look better" is pretty hypocritical.

jcstanton

This is going to come off as harsh perhaps... I hope it doesn't offend anyone. I am saying this as someone who needs to lose a lot of weight, so anything that comes off as nasty to fat people also applies to myself, if that makes sense.

1. There seems to be this mentality that it's okay to be fat because people should accept you for who you are. While the latter part is definitely true, I think people use this as a crutch to say, "so I shouldn't have to change." You have the right to squeeze into jeans that are two sizes too small, and I have the right to think your muffin-top doesn't look very good. You have the right to eat five Big Macs a day, and I have the right to think you shouldn't. So while I agree that it's your prerogative to do those things, and honestly I won't even judge you that much for them, I don't think that you can really complain that someone else dislikes them. I fell into this trap for a long time and that's what got me to the point I am today. I thought, "Well, if someone doesn't like it, that's their problem, not mine, and they can suck it." But would I have preferred to be skinny? Hell yes. So really it was my problem too but I tried to project it onto others.

2. Being overweight makes my face heavier, which makes my eyelids droop, my cheeks droop, the corners of my mouth turn down... I just LOOK depressed whether I am or not. I breathe heavily when I walk up a flight of stairs. I snore. I don't go out and do as much because I know I'll get tired faster than everyone else. That's not attractive. I mean I hate to say it, but it's human nature that there are just not as many people attracted to 400-pounders as there are people attracted to, say, 130-pounders. Part of that is that the more you weigh, the less fit you seem/are, and instinct tells us that we want to be with someone who's healthy enough to live til they're 80, ya know?

These lead me into my main point...


3. Why am I trying to lose weight? To look and feel better. If I want myself to look better.... why would I think that others should not feel the same way? To say "I want to look better, but shame on that guy for noticing me now that I look better" is pretty hypocritical.

On point 1: For the record, I've NEVER thought it was okay for me to be fat. Nor have I ever thought that I SHOULDN'T have to lose weight for ANY reason, let alone in order to find acceptance with the general population. However, at 297lbs (or even now at 256lbs), I am uncomfortable and miserable enough as it is. The last thing I need is for ignorant, inconsiderate, uncompassionate people pointing their fingers at me, staring at me, or making snide/rude comments about my weight. Would you point a finger and laugh at someone who had a birth defect or some other kind of deformity? Of course not, that would be considered insensitive. So, whether obesity is brought on by personal choices or not (sometimes there ARE medical reasons for it), it's still just as insensitive and unkind to poke fun or pass judgement on someone who is obese. There is NO justification for treating another human being that way.

elysianashes

Soooo first of all, you're obviously not the type of person I'm talking about, and second of all, I never said it's okay for someone to treat another person badly... nor did I suggest it.


Perhaps I should have put quotes in there and reworded it as such...

There seems to often be a mentality of "It's okay for me to be fat because people should accept me for who I am."

JoeyTajzai

Let's be honest every single one of us are a bit shallow. It's not just because of being "fat" as you've said, but knowing that someone has lost so much weight in itself is a bit attractive. Knowing that they've been so headstrong to actually lose all that weight and not giving up? That's a nice attribute to have if I do say so myself. People need to stop being wimps, I've met shallow people and I don't care lol, you like what you like, I like what I like.

misscristie

3 words - Confidence is sexy.