Forgiveness - how do you do it???

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A_New_Horizon
A_New_Horizon Posts: 1,555 Member
in Chit-Chat
I posted yesterday about "True Love - does it exist??"....So today here is my difficult question (for opinions only, no arguing please). How do you forgive someone who has hurt/damaged you so badly that it totally changed who you are?? I am left picking up the pieces of myself while trying to raise 2 babies on my own. I went from having an amazing self-esteem in high school and college despite being a bigger woman to not being able to "enjoy" my new body because all I see are my flaws. It is ok if you want to throw religion into this answer or not - I am looking for all kinds of opinions. Thanks in advance.
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  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
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    I honestly think forgiveness is more about healing yourself than giving some kind of gift to the person who hurt you.

    If you continue being angry and hurt and allowing what happened to affect your life, then who wins?

    But this is something very personal and no one can tell you how or make you do it. You just have to decide you're better than the anger you carry.
  • 412HeavyLifter
    412HeavyLifter Posts: 170 Member
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    Time


    "It is not "forgive and forget" as if nothing wrong had ever happened, but "forgive and go forward," building on the mistakes of the past and the energy generated by reconciliation to create a new future."
  • delilah47
    delilah47 Posts: 1,658
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    Recovery from a bad/abusive relationship does not happen over night. Counseling may help you regain your perspective. Good luck!
  • SamanthaTheSpartan
    SamanthaTheSpartan Posts: 32
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    You do it only for your self.
  • Contrarian
    Contrarian Posts: 8,138 Member
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    Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
    Buddha


    Also, sometimes what we first perceive as "bad" changes, we eventually see as changes from which we can extract something great. You always have a choice. Choose to let go.
  • kimber0607
    kimber0607 Posts: 994 Member
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    sent u a pm
    ((HUGS))
  • leannems
    leannems Posts: 516 Member
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    I agree that forgiveness is more about yourself than the other person. I also think forgiveness will differ based upon the various situations.

    If the hurt someone dealt you changed who you are, you won't be able to forgive them until you are ok with who you are now. Make things right with yourself, then forgiveness to the other should come easier, most likely because there will be nothing left to begrudge.

    I also want to point out that sometimes lack of forgiveness - at least for a while - may be what you need to make you ok with you. It may be what you are holding on to that allows you to decide to take the time to work on you. Eventually you'll have to let go of it, but I don't necessarily think that a temporary failure to forgive is a bad thing. I also think there may be some instances where a complete failure to forgive may be ok as well, although I have not experienced anything of that magnitude.
  • cruiseking
    cruiseking Posts: 338 Member
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    Foregiveness is a selfish act. Think about it. I have my Phd in foregiveness.
  • Katie1951
    Katie1951 Posts: 314 Member
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    Hanging on to the anger and hurt only hurts you. You can forgive, but it doesn't mean you have to let the person who bought the hurt and anger into your life be part of your life. I had a very wise person tell me you have 2 options in life 1) you can be bitter or
    2) you can be better.

    Like rml_16 said "You just have to decide you're better than the anger you carry."
  • sent4rmabove
    sent4rmabove Posts: 39
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    The grudge, the anger, the resentment - it's life sucking. People like to put 'expectations' on other people and that's where WE fail. Expect nothing. Let the other person be who they are and don't try to change them for your liking - smart thing is to move on and find someone who has the qualities you seek. You don't want to change a person because people are who they are. I say FORGIVE not the other person but FORGIVE YOURSELF for making the wrong choice.
  • PepeGreggerton
    PepeGreggerton Posts: 986 Member
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    It does no good to hold on to it, learn from it, let go, move on.
  • w_i_n_d_y
    w_i_n_d_y Posts: 216 Member
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    Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
    Buddha


    Also, sometimes what we first perceive as "bad" changes, we eventually see as changes from which we can extract something great. You always have a choice. Choose to let go.

    You and Buddha are very wise.
  • mikethom
    mikethom Posts: 183 Member
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    I think we need to learn to forgive ourselves to allow us to forgive others, just remember you can forgive but that doesn't mean you have to forget. If religion/faith works for you then that can be a great help. You might want to check out the book reviewed here http://sweeptight.com/2012/03/transforming-your-body-image.html it might help too.

    Good Luck, Mike
  • Tiff587
    Tiff587 Posts: 264 Member
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    My gran always said, forgive, but never forget.

    I try and heal, let go of the anger and refocus my life, but I will never forget what that person has done. That way if they need to be in your life you will never let them have the power to do it to you again.

    :flowerforyou:
  • GentlyLosing
    GentlyLosing Posts: 32 Member
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    Prayer (out loud and on purpose) helps tremendously...pray for those that have hurt you as well as for yourself. They are also broken people who hurt others.
  • futuresize8
    futuresize8 Posts: 476 Member
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    I forgive out of my desire to maintain full control. In other words, each day that I continued to suffer with hurt is another day that my wrongdoer had influence (that he didn't deserve to have) upon my life.

    Release = control. The choice to forgive is yours. You can forgive someone who doesn't even want it or deserve it, and the benefit to you will be the same.

    p.s. True love does exist. I learned that it was up to me to decide who to give that love to...and up to me to be sure they were worthy.
  • macpatti
    macpatti Posts: 4,280 Member
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    It is ok if you want to throw religion into this answer or not - I am looking for all kinds of opinions.
    It's easier to forgive someone when I remember that God forgives me for everything. We are called to forgive those who have hurt us as He forgives us. Not saying it's always easier, but having this faith helps.
  • lik_11
    lik_11 Posts: 433 Member
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    Awww... I'm so sorry that you're hurting so much, right now. I've been there- and it's SOOOO hard.

    First- you need to focus on you and finding who you are. Maybe not the person that you were- but, at this point, the person that you want to be. Do you have hobbies? Religion? What are your personal morals? Your ethics to live by? (By all mean- you don't have to answer this to anyone but yourself!)

    Second- TIME. It's the only real healer. You can stay angry and hurt as long as you want or need, but you will always feel like something is eating you up inside (because it is). There are definitely steps and emotional phases you're going to have to go through. Can you rush them? Should you? I don't know. I wasted years letting my feelings for my ex eat me up- which I regret... but I don't know how I could have done them any differently.

    My last bit is "Fake it until you make it". If you put a smile on your face every time you want to cry- at some point that smile is going to come naturally. One day- you're going to realize you're actually smiling.. not about to cry.

    My heart goes out to you- and I wish you the best figuring it out!
  • nursedb
    nursedb Posts: 313 Member
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    In hindsight leaving me was the biggest favor my ex husband ever did for me! Put myself through nsg. school and forced me to grow up and take control of my own life...and I was left with a 13 month old who is now 24 and one hell of a guy!
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,692 Member
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    Start by LIKING YOURSELF UNCONDITIONALLY. IMO, till that happens, struggles will continue.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal & Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 28+ years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

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