Forgiveness - how do you do it???

Snow__White

To forgive is an act of compassion, It's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it.

A_New_Horizon

This topic really hit home and I even though I did not post the topic I REALLY needed to "hear" the answers!!! You all are amazing and inspirational. Thank you all for being who you are and caring enough to post a reply to the poster.

Most of the time when I post a question like this - I ALWAYS have alteast 1 other person that needed to hear it too. Glad it can help you as well.

Polly758

Forgiveness can only be asked for by the person who wronged you. You are under no obligation to give it to them, even if they ask. F- them. They hurt you. There are billions of people in the world and you do not need that one. You are judge and jury of your own life. You are the only one guarding the doors. If forgiveness means dealing with that person ever again, i say don't do it. Seriously. F that.

If you're talking about how to move on and "get over it", I think that if you've been freshly hurt, the worst thing to do would be to focus on what this other person did to you-- I mean, if you think about what that person did, it's part of healing, but it's not going to help you move on. Put that off for now. What will help is to think about that strong person you used to be, really meditate about that. Spend time with people who bring that person out of you. Then slowly and carefully you can start thinking about the person you are, and the person you're changing into, and imagine what kind of person you'll become so that nobody ever hurts you like that again.

Pollywog39

Pray a LOT!!!!!! I've never been good at the whole forgiveness thing so I've been reading every bible verse on it over and over and over, praying for a forgiving heart towards the people who have hurt me.... I can honestly say that it is working wonders in my life!!! I am able to be happy for the first time in a long time, because I'm not carrying around that burden anymore.

I am not a Bible thumper, however, during some of the roughest times of my life, the Psalms were near and dear to my heart. IN particular, this one:

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A_New_Horizon

I sometimes have a hard time expressing myself so forgive me if I sound like I am babbling!!

I am not sure you can always forgive and I think many who try to find ways to do so become consumed into it…what I prefer to do is make them regret. In this I mean by improving myself in being the best I can be at all that I do so that they regret what they did or the fact that they lost out on me/it. And it does not matter to me if they do not think I am the best at it or not as long as I believe! They ruined my life so at this point there opinion does not matter to me anymore.

Referring to your “flaws.” Are they true flaws or are they flaws that are there because others are making you believe they are true? Remember your true friends will be honest with you and tell you if they are indeed flaws and then be there to help you find ways to improve them.

To answer your question: No, they aren't true flaws. They are the product of having 2 babies, and having my ex (in my head). He has pounded into my head that I need to weigh 120 lbs and/or a size 2. I will NEVER be that small nor that size. I have lost 60 lbs, and I still about a size 8/10. It is part of having babies, just like my momma's pouch. So, to answer your question: they are physical "flaws" that my ex liked to point out about me and pounded into my head.

A_New_Horizon

Last year I left my husband. I have a 2 and a 3 year old. For the last few years I was told how stupid I am. What a ***** I am. I was made to feel worthless. And I started to believe it. But it wasn't until he was screaming at me and my daughter told me she was scared that I had the guts to leave.

I will never be the person I was before I married him. I miss that person. I miss that confidence. But like others have said, I can be a "new" person. I can pick myself up, brush myself off and move on. I don't forgive him for being a horrible person. But I forgive myself for being with him and staying for as long as I did. So now I am focusing on me. And THAT is what you need to do. Focus on getting yourself healthy. Mentally and physically. Even if that means getting help from a counselor.

Once you focus on you and being the amazing person you can be, then you can be an amazing person for your kids. You kids will thrive and flourish because you are in a good place.

One thing that is really helping me is telling myself that I am worth it. And I am.

I read this the other day and I just keep reading it:
You are beautiful. You are enough. The world we live in is twisted and broken and for your entire life you will be subjected to all kinds of lies that tell you that you are not enough. You are not thin enough. You are not tan enough. You are not smooth, soft, shiny, firm, tight, fit, silky..., blonde, hairless enough. Your teeth are not white enough. Your legs are not long enough. Your clothes are not stylish enough. You are not educated enough. You don’t have enough experience. You are not creative enough.

There is a beauty industry, a fashion industry, a television industry, (and most unfortunately) a pornography industry: and all of these have unique ways of communicating to bright young women: you are not beautiful, sexy, smart or valuable enough.

You must have the clarity and common sense to know that none of that is true. None of it.

You were created for a purpose, exactly so. You have innate value. You are loved more than you could ever comprehend; it is mind-boggling how much you are adored. There has never been, and there will never be another you. Therefore, you have unique thoughts to offer the world. They are only yours, and we all lose out if you are too fearful to share them.

You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are enough.

Thank you SO MUCH for this!!!! I need to hear this today - sounds like we have similar pasts.

Elizabeth_C34

You have to realize that although you may be going through hell right now, you have a lot of life left in you, two beautiful babies to love and devote yourself to, and a world to explore. Start getting involved in hobbies. Make new friends. Branch out. The world is a big big place full of wondrous things and people. Don't let yourself get bogged down in your problems so badly that you forget that. Life is amazing. Go grab it by the horns and run with it.

Eventually, you'll wake up one day and realize that all that anger and bitterness is just too exhausting to carry around anymore. That's the day you forgive, not for him, but for you. Then you begin your new life.

msradio

Maybe you’ve invested a lot of time, effort, money, emotion, and energy in a relationship; you did your best to make it work out. But for some reason, things got off course. And now you feel as though you have been robbed. When we focus on or disappointments, we stop God from ringing fresh new blessing into our lives.”
― Joel Osteen, Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential
Hope this helps reading and listening to joel always helps me!

DBiddle69

I sometimes have a hard time expressing myself so forgive me if I sound like I am babbling!!

I am not sure you can always forgive and I think many who try to find ways to do so become consumed into it…what I prefer to do is make them regret. In this I mean by improving myself in being the best I can be at all that I do so that they regret what they did or the fact that they lost out on me/it. And it does not matter to me if they do not think I am the best at it or not as long as I believe! They ruined my life so at this point there opinion does not matter to me anymore.

Referring to your “flaws.” Are they true flaws or are they flaws that are there because others are making you believe they are true? Remember your true friends will be honest with you and tell you if they are indeed flaws and then be there to help you find ways to improve them.

To answer your question: No, they aren't true flaws. They are the product of having 2 babies, and having my ex (in my head). He has pounded into my head that I need to weigh 120 lbs and/or a size 2. I will NEVER be that small nor that size. I have lost 60 lbs, and I still about a size 8/10. It is part of having babies, just like my momma's pouch. So, to answer your question: they are physical "flaws" that my ex liked to point out about me and pounded into my head.

To me those are not FLAWS they are effects of something...effects of having brought wonderful children into the world...can they be fixed?? Yes, do they have to be...No, that should be a choice for you and you alone to make. So his flaw is that he only wanted someone who does not exist in you.

antoniosmooth

The choice of not forgiving someone is you allowing that person or entity to have power over you.

Someone once said, "Lack of forgiveness is like drinking poison, then expecting someone else to die". Forgiveness is simply a choice which only you can make, and that forgiveness, if you decide to grant it in your heart and soul, can set you free..... if you let it.

Personally I don't believe in religion, yet I do believe in having a personal relationship with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, I call it spirituality. Since you mentioned religion at least to some degree is welcome, allow me to give you this advice which I had to take myself years ago.

Drop your heartache, your pain, your sorrow, and your broken heart at the Lord's feet. He'll take the load for you, and before you know it, the load is gone.

It worked WONDERS for me....still does

XXXMinnieXXX

My partner was sexually, verbally, physically and psychologically abusive towards me. This went on for 5 years from the ages of 17 to 22. He changed me beyond recognition from a bubbly, happy, confident girl into a scared, self loathing woman without a shred of confidence. After a left him, he stalked me. Uckily work relocated but the police told me I had to change my whole life so that he couldn't track me. Eventually he got banned from my home town, and was told hed get sent to prison if he broke it. It took another year for him to leave me alone. The stress lead me to psychosis and a nervous breakdown as well as an eating disorder. I gained 100lbs in 1 year. Life was hell.
I met an amazing new fiance, with 2 amazing kids. I nearly wrecked that with my mental illness. I got help counselling, cbt a psyciatrist, got under weight management... And slowly but surely realised I had something wonderful with my fiance and the world isn't such a bad place, just the odd bad person. For me a massive souce of anger was at myself. I felt so stupid and weak for staying. I hated myself. Having a loving partner who loves me to pieces made me realise over time that I was a good person.
I got gall bladder issues and was in hospital with an attack when they told me I was 301lbs and too large to have my gall bladder removed, something snapped in my head and I thought I deserve better than this, my partner and step kids deserve better than this! I lost 55lbs and slowly started feeling more like me.
I got really ill last year with the 'gall bladder' was signed off work and given morphine. I kept telling the doctor I was seriously ill but got ignored I feel due to my past psychological issues. They think oh she's an anxious person. I got told I'd lost enough weight to have keyhole\laprascopic instead of open surgery. This was a big relief. On the day of my operation I got told I couldn't have it because there was shadows on my liver. Few days later I was admitted with pain and told the shadows were from tumours. Got transferred to a liver unit. Had major surgery to have them removed (4 weeks ago) and been trying to recover (its a 6 month recovery) and I've got virtigo... Life feels a bit unfair and I've plunged into depression a little. I look at my little family and I'm so greatful I have them it cheers me up. I've found out the tumours are not cancerous but caused by my contraceptive pill. I could think I'm so unlucky, but I think I'm lucky I could have had cancer, I could have died on the table and something has clicked in my head... The past doesn't matter anymore life is too short. I don't forgive my ex for what he did and I don't think I ever will, but its not important anymore.
I feel everything in life happens for a reason, if I didn't end up with my ex maybe I wouldn't have met my partner and life wouldn't have worked out as it is, I wouldn't have my step kids in my life. For all the bad things it did to me it made me a compassionate, kind caring person. I feel I would have been but its made me more so. Its made me strong. I know I can fight this current depression.
Since november I've not gained 1lb, despite all the stress I've not over ate where I've put on weight. I feel I've finally got to a point where I won't binge. (If I overeat a little its fruit) this brings me a lot of happiness. I'm still 246lbs (17st 8) and have a long way to go, but know I can do it.
One thing that really really changed my life whilst loosing weight was discovering exercise. I LOVE it, my depression virtually dissapeared, I love to get out in the open. Anxiety was amazingly good too. I believe as soon as I can exercise again I will be not depressed again. My three tips to feel better:
1. Counselling.
2. Good antidepressant if you need it.
3. Exercise.
The three things that changed my life. If you never forgive him it doesn't matter. You will get stronger in time and something will happen to make you realise it doesn't matter anymore. You CAN find love with someone amazing. Make sure you don't repeat the cycle... And you got your kids, for that you've got to be greatful. I wish you luck. If you want to pm me or friend me feel free! It gets better, promise. Sorry for long reply. Zara x

galegetsthin

I have had obstacles from the beginning. I have always been able to forgive...... However, I do not forget. I feel like humans have flaws, humans make errors, humans have personalities and values that are not always the same for me. I dont think I can hold any of that against another person, simply because I did not *like* what happened. I will not entrust that person with the same tenacity I once did, but I will not hold it against them. I am who I am because I have had some hard times. I chose how to let them affect me. I learned a very very long time ago that I can gain knowledge from the wrongs that I see. I am strong, independent, passionate, and protective. I am this way because of things good and bad that have happened in my life. A person that makes choices is not always in the right frame of mind to make them. Lord knows, I have made many many mistakes and will make many more I am sure. I hope that they are not held against me either. The great thing about humans, is personality, is difference........ It will cause conflict. It will cause pain and anger. It will not cause me to harbor hatred for differences though.

AuntieMC

This has been a serious problem in my life, too, and I have only recently made REAL progress! My breakthrough came from reading a book called "The 22 Non-Negotiable Laws of Wellness", by Greg Anderson. His chapter on the Law of Forgiveness was a GREAT help to me! It is truly diffiicult when you have suffered life-altering problems due to someone else's treatment of you, and their deliberate actions. It might take time. You might need to get your feelings validated by others or in therapy. Sounds like you might have taken on some damage from verbal or emotional abuse (I certainly did!). There are some great books to help resolve those issues, too. But, after getting your feelings validated, after acknowledgement that he had no right to do this to you or to treat you this way, after resolving some of the issues that this damage has created in your life, you might eventiually want to consider that the dirty, no-good low-life that did these things to you is a mere human being with his own flaws and problems. Seriously, would YOU ever treat someone the way he treated you? Do you know any decent people who WOULD? Probably not! So, it stands to reason that NORMAL people don't choose to act that way, and don't choose to mistreat others that way. Therefore, something must be wrong with him! It APPEARS that he DELIBERATELY treated you that way. but who knows what demons of his own that he is facing inside. Maybe he is missing something you and I have, and can't act any better because of his own damage, whether mental or psycholoigical. It really might not have been a personal assault on you, it might have been him acting out with his own problems. It is easier to forgive someone that you perceive as acting out of their own flaws and internal problems. It doesn't mean you have to let someone like that back into your life to hurt you again. but it does allow you to release the anger and the hurt in forgiveness. Blessings to you!

nettie23

This topic hits home for me right now. Reading these post make me feel alot better and there is still life at the end of the tunnel.

sunnykm

“Do not dwell in the past" “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

juicemoogan

I don't do it.. I'm a Scorpio..

A_New_Horizon

Someone once said, "Lack of forgiveness is like drinking poison, then expecting someone else to die". Forgiveness is simply a choice which only you can make, and that forgiveness, if you decide to grant it in your heart and soul, can set you free..... if you let it.

I have been hearing that quote alot, and I like it - thanks.

runnercheryl

I'm not the forgiving type. I don't forgive anything cruel that's done deliberately.

Accidents, I can forgive. Deliberate pain? I don't see why I should waste my life with that person in it.

Elizabeth_C34

I'm not the forgiving type. I don't forgive anything cruel that's done deliberately.

Accidents, I can forgive. Deliberate pain? I don't see why I should waste my life with that person in it.

I think you have "forgiveer" confused with "doormat" They are not the same thing.

No one on here is suggesting the OP take him back with open arms. Forgiveness is letting the pain go so you can move on with or without the person that caused it as the situation merits. It DOES NOT make you a doormat.

LovesGG

Agreed.

If someone betrayed your trust.... technically you can forgive them without trusting them again. Forgiveness is more about getting the hatred out of your heart and being able to see that person walk by without your heart dropping and saying a million curse words in your head.