Forgiveness - how do you do it???

XXXMinnieXXX

My partner was sexually, verbally, physically and psychologically abusive towards me. This went on for 5 years from the ages of 17 to 22. He changed me beyond recognition from a bubbly, happy, confident girl into a scared, self loathing woman without a shred of confidence. After a left him, he stalked me. Uckily work relocated but the police told me I had to change my whole life so that he couldn't track me. Eventually he got banned from my home town, and was told hed get sent to prison if he broke it. It took another year for him to leave me alone. The stress lead me to psychosis and a nervous breakdown as well as an eating disorder. I gained 100lbs in 1 year. Life was hell.
I met an amazing new fiance, with 2 amazing kids. I nearly wrecked that with my mental illness. I got help counselling, cbt a psyciatrist, got under weight management... And slowly but surely realised I had something wonderful with my fiance and the world isn't such a bad place, just the odd bad person. For me a massive souce of anger was at myself. I felt so stupid and weak for staying. I hated myself. Having a loving partner who loves me to pieces made me realise over time that I was a good person.
I got gall bladder issues and was in hospital with an attack when they told me I was 301lbs and too large to have my gall bladder removed, something snapped in my head and I thought I deserve better than this, my partner and step kids deserve better than this! I lost 55lbs and slowly started feeling more like me.
I got really ill last year with the 'gall bladder' was signed off work and given morphine. I kept telling the doctor I was seriously ill but got ignored I feel due to my past psychological issues. They think oh she's an anxious person. I got told I'd lost enough weight to have keyhole\laprascopic instead of open surgery. This was a big relief. On the day of my operation I got told I couldn't have it because there was shadows on my liver. Few days later I was admitted with pain and told the shadows were from tumours. Got transferred to a liver unit. Had major surgery to have them removed (4 weeks ago) and been trying to recover (its a 6 month recovery) and I've got virtigo... Life feels a bit unfair and I've plunged into depression a little. I look at my little family and I'm so greatful I have them it cheers me up. I've found out the tumours are not cancerous but caused by my contraceptive pill. I could think I'm so unlucky, but I think I'm lucky I could have had cancer, I could have died on the table and something has clicked in my head... The past doesn't matter anymore life is too short. I don't forgive my ex for what he did and I don't think I ever will, but its not important anymore.
I feel everything in life happens for a reason, if I didn't end up with my ex maybe I wouldn't have met my partner and life wouldn't have worked out as it is, I wouldn't have my step kids in my life. For all the bad things it did to me it made me a compassionate, kind caring person. I feel I would have been but its made me more so. Its made me strong. I know I can fight this current depression.
Since november I've not gained 1lb, despite all the stress I've not over ate where I've put on weight. I feel I've finally got to a point where I won't binge. (If I overeat a little its fruit) this brings me a lot of happiness. I'm still 246lbs (17st 8) and have a long way to go, but know I can do it.
One thing that really really changed my life whilst loosing weight was discovering exercise. I LOVE it, my depression virtually dissapeared, I love to get out in the open. Anxiety was amazingly good too. I believe as soon as I can exercise again I will be not depressed again. My three tips to feel better:
1. Counselling.
2. Good antidepressant if you need it.
3. Exercise.
The three things that changed my life. If you never forgive him it doesn't matter. You will get stronger in time and something will happen to make you realise it doesn't matter anymore. You CAN find love with someone amazing. Make sure you don't repeat the cycle... And you got your kids, for that you've got to be greatful. I wish you luck. If you want to pm me or friend me feel free! It gets better, promise. Sorry for long reply. Zara x

galegetsthin

I have had obstacles from the beginning. I have always been able to forgive...... However, I do not forget. I feel like humans have flaws, humans make errors, humans have personalities and values that are not always the same for me. I dont think I can hold any of that against another person, simply because I did not *like* what happened. I will not entrust that person with the same tenacity I once did, but I will not hold it against them. I am who I am because I have had some hard times. I chose how to let them affect me. I learned a very very long time ago that I can gain knowledge from the wrongs that I see. I am strong, independent, passionate, and protective. I am this way because of things good and bad that have happened in my life. A person that makes choices is not always in the right frame of mind to make them. Lord knows, I have made many many mistakes and will make many more I am sure. I hope that they are not held against me either. The great thing about humans, is personality, is difference........ It will cause conflict. It will cause pain and anger. It will not cause me to harbor hatred for differences though.

AuntieMC

This has been a serious problem in my life, too, and I have only recently made REAL progress! My breakthrough came from reading a book called "The 22 Non-Negotiable Laws of Wellness", by Greg Anderson. His chapter on the Law of Forgiveness was a GREAT help to me! It is truly diffiicult when you have suffered life-altering problems due to someone else's treatment of you, and their deliberate actions. It might take time. You might need to get your feelings validated by others or in therapy. Sounds like you might have taken on some damage from verbal or emotional abuse (I certainly did!). There are some great books to help resolve those issues, too. But, after getting your feelings validated, after acknowledgement that he had no right to do this to you or to treat you this way, after resolving some of the issues that this damage has created in your life, you might eventiually want to consider that the dirty, no-good low-life that did these things to you is a mere human being with his own flaws and problems. Seriously, would YOU ever treat someone the way he treated you? Do you know any decent people who WOULD? Probably not! So, it stands to reason that NORMAL people don't choose to act that way, and don't choose to mistreat others that way. Therefore, something must be wrong with him! It APPEARS that he DELIBERATELY treated you that way. but who knows what demons of his own that he is facing inside. Maybe he is missing something you and I have, and can't act any better because of his own damage, whether mental or psycholoigical. It really might not have been a personal assault on you, it might have been him acting out with his own problems. It is easier to forgive someone that you perceive as acting out of their own flaws and internal problems. It doesn't mean you have to let someone like that back into your life to hurt you again. but it does allow you to release the anger and the hurt in forgiveness. Blessings to you!

nettie23

This topic hits home for me right now. Reading these post make me feel alot better and there is still life at the end of the tunnel.

sunnykm

“Do not dwell in the past" “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. Do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”

juicemoogan

I don't do it.. I'm a Scorpio..

A_New_Horizon

Someone once said, "Lack of forgiveness is like drinking poison, then expecting someone else to die". Forgiveness is simply a choice which only you can make, and that forgiveness, if you decide to grant it in your heart and soul, can set you free..... if you let it.

I have been hearing that quote alot, and I like it - thanks.

runnercheryl

I'm not the forgiving type. I don't forgive anything cruel that's done deliberately.

Accidents, I can forgive. Deliberate pain? I don't see why I should waste my life with that person in it.

Elizabeth_C34

I'm not the forgiving type. I don't forgive anything cruel that's done deliberately.

Accidents, I can forgive. Deliberate pain? I don't see why I should waste my life with that person in it.

I think you have "forgiveer" confused with "doormat" They are not the same thing.

No one on here is suggesting the OP take him back with open arms. Forgiveness is letting the pain go so you can move on with or without the person that caused it as the situation merits. It DOES NOT make you a doormat.

LovesGG

Agreed.

If someone betrayed your trust.... technically you can forgive them without trusting them again. Forgiveness is more about getting the hatred out of your heart and being able to see that person walk by without your heart dropping and saying a million curse words in your head.

antoniosmooth

I'm not the forgiving type. I don't forgive anything cruel that's done deliberately.

Accidents, I can forgive. Deliberate pain? I don't see why I should waste my life with that person in it.

I think you have "forgiveer" confused with "doormat" They are not the same thing.

No one on here is suggesting the OP take him back with open arms. Forgiveness is letting the pain go so you can move on with or without the person that caused it as the situation merits. It DOES NOT make you a doormat.

Agreed with big time. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to be stupid. Forgiveness sometimes means moving on and no longer letting "that person" into your life.

Basically forgive then move on....

shirleyhud

Wow I cant believe it that this was me, I have been abused my whole life, ive been the kicking block...I was crying and angry all the time, I started being mean to people that were mean to me, not physical. Then last year my son got into to trouble with drugs and was looking to spend 10 years in prison.Any way he asked me to help him find a church to go to so he could ask God to forgive him and help change, so we tried a couple churches and we found one that really loves people and help them, so This is where my life changed.. I was a broken angry sad person and now im a happy uplifting outgoing person. I Owe all the thanks to God, he was my footprints in the sand for 54 years he carried me. Before this i had heart failure, lung failure , cancer, degenerative disease and diabetes, This year I took back my health from the doctors and the people who hurt me, and now I can say Im a new person. Ive lost 40 lbs, my sugar levels have fell from the 200's to 120-140 range, my a1c went from 8 to .6.3, no longer on insulin or any drugs, i do take a high blood pressure pill but hopefully will get weaned off next year..not only is my body changing ive grown spiritually and God is blessing me and those that abused me in my past;;Thanks fro posting this topic

Karrix

I'll forgive someone for hurting me, we all mistakes, were human after all. I don't want to add stress into my life, I rather live, learn & let go. Why frown when smiling is a better option?

If it's a dramatic case (cheating spouse, etc) I would forgive but won't let them back into my life, I don't repeat my own mistakes.

MaraDiaz

If you have a religion, do your best to follow its teachings on this issue. If you don't, feel free to do whatever you think will benefit you the most. Me, I don't forgive, and I don't forget, and that benefits me in ways most of the posters in this thread will never understand and don't need to understand.

Anger is a funny thing, by the way, sometimes you'll think you're finally over it, and suddenly you'll be enraged all over again for little or no reason. Just admit you're still mad if that happens to you, it's a lot easier than pretending you're over something if you're not!

taylmarie

Add me to list of those who believe that the person who needs to do the forgiving is hurt most by hanging on to the hurt. I was guilty of doing this until I took a long hard look at how it was affecting my life. Now, I do not forget ways I have been wronged, truly it is very hard to forget things that have such an impact on us. But I do forgive. I had to take a step back and tell myself that I can't punish people forever for their mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes and MOST of them deserve forgiveness. I am sorry to hear that you have been hurt and are going through a difficult time. I hope your heart heals fully and you find more happiness than you might be able to imagine in this moment

AnneH1977

You stand over their grave and laugh.

Ok, seriously...

I had a HORRENDOUS, NIGHTMARISH experience as a teen that left me badly scarred, emotionally and physically. I can't say that I ever forgave...but time does heal and now that I have my children, the pain has eased and I actually go several days without thinking about it.
I do know that the babies are a big key to my healing and self acceptance. You're their momma and that's all they know. Children live to love and be loved. And when you can pour your heart and soul into tiny little ones, you will heal as they grow.
(((hugs)))

smplycomplicated

I forgive. holding on to any negative dirties my aura..and we don't like a dirty aura. :flowerforyou:

TrishJago

Hey I have been there... and I can promise you that when you start to like your self again and allow yourself time to heal, the forgiveness thing is no problem, as it will just naturally happen without any effort. I think you might still be seeing your self as damaged and once you realize that no one has the power to really damage you but you. And people can only have the power to hurt you if you allow them to have it then It will just happen and you will move on and never look back.

BeautyFromPain

bump

KaleidoscopeEyes1056

I've had a situation in which I went into a depression because of something that I was forced to do by somebody else (please don't ask questions, they will not be answered.) And now every time I see that person, I cringe. I absolutely despise this person and anything connected to her, unfortunately, she won't be easy to rid myself of.

The situation happened over a year ago and I still have not forgiven her. For what she did, I don't think I could ever forgive her. The depression I had because of the situation is what caused me to gain weight, as well.

jesuslovesme145

Forgiveness is simple, yet complicated. Why you forgive is simple. Because who you forgave you. Jesus, the Son of God, and Man came down as a human (ie. son of man) to die for us. He came, took a cross and died, then rose again. He defeited sin, then death, and sin no longer has a grip on us thanks to him, if you know him. What he did was amazing; he did something no human could ever do, even though he was human. See, when he forgave us for all the horrible things we have done like murder, think bad thoughts, steal, lie, coveting ans such he did something awesome! So, if he was able to forgive us of those, how can we not fogive others? It's just rediculious, and the complicated part is actually doing it. Being the humans that we are, it is hard to just forgive and forget, but it's not about forgetting, it's about moving on. So there is my jumbeled answer! haha (to tired to spell :P )

PunkyRachel

I've never had a bad boyfriend/husband relationship, but I've had several people do bad things to me. I held grunges and hatred towards them. I will never forget, but letting go of that hatred I feel gave me peace. It takes time, for me it was a year(s)

No, I didn't call up these people or anything to tell them I forgive them. I just prayed and mediated, then one day I said, I need to let go, I wrote down the people who have hurt me the worst and then I burned the piece of paper and said "Let the past be the past", I have never look back and have removed those people from my life. I can honestly say I'm happy and at peace.

BlueInkDot

Well, here is what I think of when it comes to forgiveness:

What is it, really, that you're doing when you don't forgive? Holding a grudge? Resenting this person? Wishing you had said something more to them? Wishing you could get through to them somehow? Being frustrated at how impossible they are? What will these things really accomplish? How will doing any of these things make your situation better?

Simple answer: they won't.

If you'll notice, all of the things in that list involve the past and not the future. So the first step here is to stop dwelling on the past. When you don't forgive, you are looking at the past and wishing you could change something that is impossible for you to change.

In the same way that we push ourselves day in and day out to make healthy choices for our bodies, we have to ALSO make healthy decisions for our spirits. Your spirit will get so tired from carrying around that weight of wanting to change the past and knowing you can't. You will be healthier and happier if you let it go and realize that things happened the way they happened and there's no way to change it. And the biggest one for me: think about the blessings that you still have. Health? Children? Food on the table? etc. etc. etc. Those kinds of things.

Hope this helps.

- Mary

elizwelshman

-Love yourself. You and only you can love yourself more than anyone else in the world.
-Learn to accept that others can be flawed, emotionally distorted, and/or cruel, yet you are beyond their lows. Be above the worst capability of hate a human being can have, for you have learned to surpass it all.
-Move forward. The more we hold onto our pasts, the grudges and any pain residing will effect our future. Live today as though tomorrow may never come, look at tomorrow as a new beginning to your life.
-Forgive yourself. The act of forgiveness can never be sincere if you have never forgiven yourself for your own faults.

Reading is easier than the act itself, though it's worth to take the chance to start somewhere.

kdeaux1959

Forgiveness is really not about the person that hurt you. It is about YOU... By not holding the grudge, you actually are no longer bound to the situation... it frees YOU... When you allow hurt to control you, you actuallly are lending the person who hurt you a greater amount of control in your life. By releasing those feelings (not always easy), you sever the control that person has retained over your life and you are able to get on with YOUR life. It is really about you being able to MOVE ON... Essentially, the greatest revenge you can offer for this person is forgiving him... this is because the thing he had to maintain control and dominance in your life, he no longer has... And by being nice to him, when he tries to be mean to you instead of a sense of pride, satisfaction, and justification, he then has more of a sense of guilt and such... In other words, the weapons he forms against you are returned upon him... Best wishes... I guess I did not really say HOW to do it... more showing WHY to do it... Maybe in that sense it makes it easier.

OSC_ESD

You start by forgiving yourself ... every moment in life comes with a premise of what can or will define us. As we fight our battles ... search for answers ... and struggle to find acceptance ... our path begins to develop. We have choices to make ... only you can decide what or who can impact your life and on what scale. Sometimes we need to step out of the box .... take a hard look at our life and dissect the moments that cause such " confusion ". If we allow " somebody " to control our emotions .. we lose a part of our soul. It's important to know that nobody has the power of influence over your heart unless you allow them.

With all that being said ... let me just touch base on the person you are today. The very fact that you are here now ... trying to make a difference in your life speaks volumes. Your children see you as a " star " ... keep going strong and never let them think any different. When life throws you a curve ball ... you have three choices : Take the hit, Jump out of the way or keep your eye on the prize and give it your best swing ! The reason this " fella " got away .... is so the right one can find his way into your life. We have to remove the clutter in order to see the clarity ... let your strength take you to the next level .. remain strong and know that life will get better ... just believe.

Bottom line being ... forgiveness = closure on every level.

I wish you all the happiness in the world ! :flowerforyou:

auntiebabs

Forgiveness does not condone bad behavior, quiet the opposite.

Forgiveness is not for the other person it is FOR YOU.
It takes a lot of energy to hold a grudge You deserve to use that energy making your life fabulous.

Forgiveness does not mean everything is all peaches and cream, but it does mean you don't hold the issue(s) over someones head.

Forgiveness does not mean that you set yourself up over and over again.
Forgiving someone does not mean allowing them the power to hurt you repeatedly with their bad behavior.
That does neither of you good.

You can forgive someone from far away.

You don't have to know how to forgive, you only have to be willing to try and forgive.

crochelle17

You can only move ahead, i worked in the family business it went to hell and my husband and i took the brunt and lost it all. Which then sucked but now im going back to school, ill acutally have more time with my daughter and my husband and Is relationship is stronger now then ever. extended family is in shambles but were doing better then ever! You just have to keep focused on the positives and take a day at a time or even an hour at a time. You wont forget, however, you also learn a lot from what did go wrong and make sure not to repeat it again.

MaraDiaz

I truly believe that sometimes you need a little payback before you can move on, but if he is still around because you have two kids together, that payback might have to wait until they are grown, and by then you may not even want it. So another tactic is to think to yourself when you get really mad, "One of these days, I'm going to be in a situation to hurt him badly, and when that day comes, I'm putting my boot down on his face (metaphorically anyway)". And you can go about your life with your kids and wait for that day to come.

Maybe he'll ask to borrow money someday and you can laugh in his face. Maybe he'll want you back and you can really have a good laugh. Maybe he'll be on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere with a broke down car and you can laugh and hang up on him. Maybe he'll die miserable and alone. You're not human if you don't want to hurt someone who has hurt you, whether you decide to act on that or not always depends on how much that will benefit or harm you and those you love. Remember, revenge is a dish best served cold and sometimes it's not worth the price. But sometimes luck throws you a line and you'll really enjoy that laugh if it does.

sunkisses

Simply put, I *choose* to let go. I like being able to say that I have very few things in the world to worry about, and most people would describe me as carefree. I like feeling comfortable and happy, and I do whatever it takes to maintain that. When I'm upset that someone hurt me, I'm not comfortable and I'm not happy.

What helps me is believing that most people don't do the cruel and/or stupid stuff they do because they're bad people or they're out to get me. They do things that they don't think thoroughly about first and it hurts other people. They make poor choices because they're working with the only tools they have, which is sometimes not much.

I've "forgiven" people who were not even sorry. But sometimes in my forgiveness I have to cut them out of my life. I'm not angry or hurt by them anymore, but I will not leave the door open for a second offense.

This blog I wrote might help you out.
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/sunkisses/view/working-out-your-inside-closure-why-it-s-your-responsibility-154147