Forgiveness - how do you do it???

egiakatt

Will be sending you a PM over the weekend

cornfritter22

bump

foxbat2828

One thing to fully remember is that, while many people believe that forgiveness benefits the perpetrator of the hurt, ultimately remember that forgiveness is most beneficial when it is for the victim of the hurt. In other words, don't forgive to do the other person a favor or because you feel that you have to ... forgive because it puts you in a better position and place in your life to do so. Also, there is no timetable on forgiveness. I've heard people say things like, "It's been x years since it's happened so it's time to forgive and move on," but ultimately, it's a question about how you feel, not how much time has passed. For some people, they can forgive almost immediately; for others it takes much longer for the exact same offense. Make sure that the focus of forgiveness is you!

LilRedRooster

I don't necessarily think forgiveness is entirely about the other person. It's an internal point that you get to, where you realize that you are the person you are, and go forward from there for yourself, not for them. It's a place you come to where you realize that someone else's mistakes don't matter to you anymore, because you are a separate entity from them and their choices, and you enjoy that feeling of separation.

Before you can find joy in separation, forgiveness isn't really possible, or necessary.

Silver_Star

I cant imagine what you had to go through...but for me...forgiveness is complicated... but that doesnt mean i dont forgive..i actually find it easy to forgive and do it from my heart...its the forgetting part...that is difficult. Because trusting that person again is the hardest thing.

Then again, I am not any where near perfect and i need forgiveness for stupid things i do...so i try to live by the whole " grace" method.

Give grace.....Then i go rush into my closet and cry my eyes out....LOL.

Kenzietea2

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha


Also, sometimes what we first perceive as "bad" changes, we eventually see as changes from which we can extract something great. You always have a choice. Choose to let go.

Agreed.

Also, forgiving someone does not mean you have to allow them back into your life or even speak with them again. It is simply just letting it go.

LovesGG

If you are a Christian...

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you"-Matthew 6:14

Sure people hurt us, but we hurt God too. Something to reflect on.

Silver_Star

If you are a Christian...

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you"-Matthew 6:14

Sure people hurt us, but we hurt God too. Something to reflect on.

Amen!!!

NamsdnaL

Thank you for asking this question. I think I need to learn to let go of some of my anger issues and start to heal myself too. Here's to turning over a new leaf. :flowerforyou:

hypersensitiveb

1. Give all your anger and pain over to God .
2. Ask for God to give you a forgiving heart towards this person and or situation.
3. Read what the bible says about forgiveness, it's Gods words talking to your heart.

I have been hurt in many ways by others to where I could be cold hearted scared and angry all my life. But I gave all of this over to God and asked for his peace that passes all understanding. God has already promised all of these things for you all you have to do is ask and accept them.

NeedANewFocus

bump

leelaknight

Recovery from a bad/abusive relationship does not happen over night. Counseling may help you regain your perspective. Good luck!

i believe in this A LOT! but also believe in friend they help heal scars with laughter.... most of all believe in you.

Sunshine_and_Puppies

Pray a LOT!!!!!! I've never been good at the whole forgiveness thing so I've been reading every bible verse on it over and over and over, praying for a forgiving heart towards the people who have hurt me.... I can honestly say that it is working wonders in my life!!! I am able to be happy for the first time in a long time, because I'm not carrying around that burden anymore.

Panda_Path

I accept the person for what they did and their decisions. I accept the past for what it is. YOU CAN NEVER CONTROL THE ACTIONS OF ANOTHER! So, just accept it and move on.

My issue was with my father. I grew up in fear through verbal and emotional abuse, having to live with him until I was 16 and finally got my mom to get a divorce (she got it worse than me, started to turn physical right before we moved away from him). To me, forgiveness is not saying "I forgive you", but rather more about -your- acceptance of the situation. Without my father being such a jerk, I probably wouldn't be the warm, loving, understanding person that I am today. There was absolutely nothing I could do to change him or the situation, I was a child, until i was old enough to have the strength to confront my mom about it. The scars are still there, and always will be. But the present is now and you just have to accept what was and move on. Letting go of anger or the feeling of being "wronged" is a huge part of this.

*hugs* for everyone going through a hard time! Lots of love!

AshleyMoe86

Someone shared this quote with me once and it gave me new perspective here it is, "Holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent-free in your head." Now grudge isn't necessarily what you were saying here but not forgiving or not letting go can be exactly the same thing. You don't need to forgive them for their sake, you need to forgive for your sake. You are the one that is still dealing with the pain day in/day out. I've been through some rough stuff so I can understand how hard it is to let go, but you need to do it- for you and for those kiddos of yours.

Nikkei24

Forgivness is accepting that you can't change the past

BlackStarlight

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
Buddha


Also, sometimes what we first perceive as "bad" changes, we eventually see as changes from which we can extract something great. You always have a choice. Choose to let go.

You and Buddha are very wise.

This is so true however its also never easy just take it one day at a time. It does get easier x

fuhrmeister

I take a deep breath, tell myself lfe is to short to be angry, pray that the person who hurt me learns from thier mistake and does not hurt someone else and I move on. (the moving on is the hard part)

I find that prying for people I don't care for or who have hurt me makes me feel better. If I can say a prayer and mean I remind myself that I am strong and capable of taking the long journey to recovery.

Best wishes to you a your little ones. Remember to keep yourself as a priority as well as your children and you will come out of your situation a better person and a better mom.

rbeatty63

Holding on to hurt/anger is like drinking poison and waiting for your enemy to die.
Forgive and move on. The sooner you forgive, the sooner you will heal. It
doesn't mean you have to be on speaking terms, it just means you have, by an
act of your own free-will, chosen to re-take the power that you gave away for
whatever reason, whether it was love, or trust, or fear. God Bless you as you
begin this walk.

obwize

What worked for me is love. When I was 6 years old I met a pedophile. I repressed most of the memories of what happened. Soon after that at church we talked about how we need to pray for our enemies. What I could remember of what happened made him the closest thing to an enemy I could think of. When I prayed for him I could feel an almost overpowering sense of love for him. The love kept growing until I felt as though I were going to pass out. It stopped growing and stayed strong. Then a deep sadness started to come as well, without diminishing the love at all. It grew to just about equal to the love. The amount of love and sadness were almost too much to handle, but then they went away.

I was left with an understanding that God loves his children, not just the "good" ones. It does NOT mean that he approves of all they do, in fact it deeply saddens and angers him when they do things that hurt others, but he still loves them.

Knowing this has made it a lot easier to forgive. And when I find myself perpetually upset with an individual (for meaningful reasons, not just the petty stuff) I pray for them and pray to be able to love them the way God does. That way I can see that they are not perfect, but are not outright evil either, and I am more open to understanding that they are on their own path and that God wants them to be better as well.

Good luck!

Snow__White

To forgive is an act of compassion, It's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it.

A_New_Horizon

This topic really hit home and I even though I did not post the topic I REALLY needed to "hear" the answers!!! You all are amazing and inspirational. Thank you all for being who you are and caring enough to post a reply to the poster.

Most of the time when I post a question like this - I ALWAYS have alteast 1 other person that needed to hear it too. Glad it can help you as well.

Polly758

Forgiveness can only be asked for by the person who wronged you. You are under no obligation to give it to them, even if they ask. F- them. They hurt you. There are billions of people in the world and you do not need that one. You are judge and jury of your own life. You are the only one guarding the doors. If forgiveness means dealing with that person ever again, i say don't do it. Seriously. F that.

If you're talking about how to move on and "get over it", I think that if you've been freshly hurt, the worst thing to do would be to focus on what this other person did to you-- I mean, if you think about what that person did, it's part of healing, but it's not going to help you move on. Put that off for now. What will help is to think about that strong person you used to be, really meditate about that. Spend time with people who bring that person out of you. Then slowly and carefully you can start thinking about the person you are, and the person you're changing into, and imagine what kind of person you'll become so that nobody ever hurts you like that again.

Pollywog39

Pray a LOT!!!!!! I've never been good at the whole forgiveness thing so I've been reading every bible verse on it over and over and over, praying for a forgiving heart towards the people who have hurt me.... I can honestly say that it is working wonders in my life!!! I am able to be happy for the first time in a long time, because I'm not carrying around that burden anymore.

I am not a Bible thumper, however, during some of the roughest times of my life, the Psalms were near and dear to my heart. IN particular, this one:

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A_New_Horizon

I sometimes have a hard time expressing myself so forgive me if I sound like I am babbling!!

I am not sure you can always forgive and I think many who try to find ways to do so become consumed into it…what I prefer to do is make them regret. In this I mean by improving myself in being the best I can be at all that I do so that they regret what they did or the fact that they lost out on me/it. And it does not matter to me if they do not think I am the best at it or not as long as I believe! They ruined my life so at this point there opinion does not matter to me anymore.

Referring to your “flaws.” Are they true flaws or are they flaws that are there because others are making you believe they are true? Remember your true friends will be honest with you and tell you if they are indeed flaws and then be there to help you find ways to improve them.

To answer your question: No, they aren't true flaws. They are the product of having 2 babies, and having my ex (in my head). He has pounded into my head that I need to weigh 120 lbs and/or a size 2. I will NEVER be that small nor that size. I have lost 60 lbs, and I still about a size 8/10. It is part of having babies, just like my momma's pouch. So, to answer your question: they are physical "flaws" that my ex liked to point out about me and pounded into my head.

A_New_Horizon

Last year I left my husband. I have a 2 and a 3 year old. For the last few years I was told how stupid I am. What a ***** I am. I was made to feel worthless. And I started to believe it. But it wasn't until he was screaming at me and my daughter told me she was scared that I had the guts to leave.

I will never be the person I was before I married him. I miss that person. I miss that confidence. But like others have said, I can be a "new" person. I can pick myself up, brush myself off and move on. I don't forgive him for being a horrible person. But I forgive myself for being with him and staying for as long as I did. So now I am focusing on me. And THAT is what you need to do. Focus on getting yourself healthy. Mentally and physically. Even if that means getting help from a counselor.

Once you focus on you and being the amazing person you can be, then you can be an amazing person for your kids. You kids will thrive and flourish because you are in a good place.

One thing that is really helping me is telling myself that I am worth it. And I am.

I read this the other day and I just keep reading it:
You are beautiful. You are enough. The world we live in is twisted and broken and for your entire life you will be subjected to all kinds of lies that tell you that you are not enough. You are not thin enough. You are not tan enough. You are not smooth, soft, shiny, firm, tight, fit, silky..., blonde, hairless enough. Your teeth are not white enough. Your legs are not long enough. Your clothes are not stylish enough. You are not educated enough. You don’t have enough experience. You are not creative enough.

There is a beauty industry, a fashion industry, a television industry, (and most unfortunately) a pornography industry: and all of these have unique ways of communicating to bright young women: you are not beautiful, sexy, smart or valuable enough.

You must have the clarity and common sense to know that none of that is true. None of it.

You were created for a purpose, exactly so. You have innate value. You are loved more than you could ever comprehend; it is mind-boggling how much you are adored. There has never been, and there will never be another you. Therefore, you have unique thoughts to offer the world. They are only yours, and we all lose out if you are too fearful to share them.

You are beautiful. You are valuable. You are enough.

Thank you SO MUCH for this!!!! I need to hear this today - sounds like we have similar pasts.

Elizabeth_C34

You have to realize that although you may be going through hell right now, you have a lot of life left in you, two beautiful babies to love and devote yourself to, and a world to explore. Start getting involved in hobbies. Make new friends. Branch out. The world is a big big place full of wondrous things and people. Don't let yourself get bogged down in your problems so badly that you forget that. Life is amazing. Go grab it by the horns and run with it.

Eventually, you'll wake up one day and realize that all that anger and bitterness is just too exhausting to carry around anymore. That's the day you forgive, not for him, but for you. Then you begin your new life.

msradio

Maybe you’ve invested a lot of time, effort, money, emotion, and energy in a relationship; you did your best to make it work out. But for some reason, things got off course. And now you feel as though you have been robbed. When we focus on or disappointments, we stop God from ringing fresh new blessing into our lives.”
― Joel Osteen, Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential
Hope this helps reading and listening to joel always helps me!

DBiddle69

I sometimes have a hard time expressing myself so forgive me if I sound like I am babbling!!

I am not sure you can always forgive and I think many who try to find ways to do so become consumed into it…what I prefer to do is make them regret. In this I mean by improving myself in being the best I can be at all that I do so that they regret what they did or the fact that they lost out on me/it. And it does not matter to me if they do not think I am the best at it or not as long as I believe! They ruined my life so at this point there opinion does not matter to me anymore.

Referring to your “flaws.” Are they true flaws or are they flaws that are there because others are making you believe they are true? Remember your true friends will be honest with you and tell you if they are indeed flaws and then be there to help you find ways to improve them.

To answer your question: No, they aren't true flaws. They are the product of having 2 babies, and having my ex (in my head). He has pounded into my head that I need to weigh 120 lbs and/or a size 2. I will NEVER be that small nor that size. I have lost 60 lbs, and I still about a size 8/10. It is part of having babies, just like my momma's pouch. So, to answer your question: they are physical "flaws" that my ex liked to point out about me and pounded into my head.

To me those are not FLAWS they are effects of something...effects of having brought wonderful children into the world...can they be fixed?? Yes, do they have to be...No, that should be a choice for you and you alone to make. So his flaw is that he only wanted someone who does not exist in you.

antoniosmooth

The choice of not forgiving someone is you allowing that person or entity to have power over you.

Someone once said, "Lack of forgiveness is like drinking poison, then expecting someone else to die". Forgiveness is simply a choice which only you can make, and that forgiveness, if you decide to grant it in your heart and soul, can set you free..... if you let it.

Personally I don't believe in religion, yet I do believe in having a personal relationship with God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, I call it spirituality. Since you mentioned religion at least to some degree is welcome, allow me to give you this advice which I had to take myself years ago.

Drop your heartache, your pain, your sorrow, and your broken heart at the Lord's feet. He'll take the load for you, and before you know it, the load is gone.

It worked WONDERS for me....still does