Failing Marriage

Alexstrasza

I'm turning to you MFP, for advice. I've met so many wonderful people on this site...so I think I can trust your advice.

I am 23 years old.
My husband and I have been together for 3 years. Been married for just over a year.

I used to be a very spiritual person before I met him, but turned my back on it. (I am an eclectic pagan) I also used to be really passionate about certain political and ethical things. But again, I turned my back on it.
Within the past year I have found a lot of my faith and beliefs again.

This is affecting our marriage. We don't see eye to eye anymore. I love him, however I really don't think I'm "in" love. I feel like it might be time to move on.
But how do I even do that? We have two children together. I'm afraid my children will hate me for leaving their father.

ishallnotwant

I would strongly caution you to speak with someone who knows you personally, and not ask for advice on any life decisions from random people on the internet. I'm sorry you are hurting, but this really isn't where you want to turn to for relationship advice. REALLY bad idea.

maddymama

Umm.... I've been married for 12 years. It's not all roses and romance... it can have periods where it is hard work.

If your husband was abusive to you, or you were abusive to him, I'd tell you to think seriously about leaving your marriage. However, walking away from a huge commitment because you don't see "eye to eye" isn't a reason to leave, in my opinion. You won't see eye to eye on many things during your marriage, but you do have to learn how to communicated and how to work together.

And before you ask, yes, my husband and I are of different religions and have had to work hard over the years to find a balance that works for us and for our children.

ryansgram

Go to Dailystrength.org. there are alot of support groups there. I am on the Infedelity support group. Lots of good advice.

vicky1966

Is it failing, or are you just growing? Marriage is all about team work and friendship....long after the initial spark ignites! It's ok to not see eye to eye ...you are two different people with two value systems ...the work starts with having to combine those and be intradependant of each other.

Alexstrasza

It's hard for me because my religious beliefs make him uncomfortable to the point he doesn't want me doing anything that would...I guess the word is "advertise" my religion.
Basically I have to "hide" it.

He even went so far as to insult me and my beliefs.

I love him, I do. But I just don't think I'm in love with him. I believe we only stuck it out this long because we had kids together.

Carl01

Get counseling,if not the both of you then just for yourself.
It sounds as too much as happened too fast for the age you are,that is not an insult just an observation of the facts.
You have to emotionally catch up with all that,the first blush and giddiness of a crush will always settle down so don`t be hasty in deciding you are not in love anymore.

If ultimately it can`t work out where you are happy then no matter what you do your kids will see it,that is life so even at a young age respect them enough to not try to fake something for them.

I hope you can refind what you are missing. :flowerforyou:

yaddayaddayadda

I agree with the first poster and would like to add that you should seek counseling... for yourself as and individual and with your husband for marriage counseling.

A divorce will have a LONG lasting impact on your children. I divorced my first husband when I was 23... I am now 51. My two sons lived with me and struggled with not having a father living with them for many years. My current husband has been wonderful to them, but it is not the same. Both boys are fine now, but their lives would have been different had they grown up in a family with both parents.

I am also a teacher, and see the impact divorce has on children from that perspective. There are some very sad children of divorced parents. If you can work it out with your husband, that would be the best thing for your children as long as there is no abuse in your marriage.

Had I known how much my divorce would impact my children back then, I would have worked harder to save the marriage... Don't get me wrong, my second husband is "the one" for me, but my divorce hurt my children...

Every marriage takes work... the grass is not really greener on the other side. Once the newness wears off, you must make great efforts to keep it going...

Good luck...

Alexstrasza

So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?

If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.

Elizabeth_C34

It's hard for me because my religious beliefs make him uncomfortable to the point he doesn't want me doing anything that would...I guess the word is "advertise" my religion.
Basically I have to "hide" it.

He even went so far as to insult me and my beliefs.

I love him, I do. But I just don't think I'm in love with him. I believe we only stuck it out this long because we had kids together.

Sounds like you both need to do a little compromising. Marriage is not a walk in the park. There will be times when you have differences of opinion. Maybe your religion could be expressed in your own way but don't insist that he take part?

Try couples counseling first. Don't leave the marriage yet.

I think you need to work through it. Giving up over differences in opinion is silly to me especially with two children to think about. Your religion may end up needing to be something you do on your own without him. You don't have to see eye-to-eye on everything.

KathieSwenson

I know this is a silly question but have you talked him about this. It seems to me that you are asking us about this issue and not talking to the one person you should be talking to. He is involved and he needs to know. After that you need to talk to a counselor.

From a personal standpoint I know the feeling but love is ment to last and I do everything I can to talk to my hubby and let him know how I'm feeling about things. He also goes to church with me. When we first got married I went to his church because he wouldn't step foot in mine. Now he goes to church with me on his Sunday's off. You just have to be strong and love him for who he is not who you want him to be!

Jorra

A counselor that knows both of you personally would be better able to give you advice compared to strangers on the internet who only know what you tell them.

yaddayaddayadda

So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?

If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.

True love is not fallen into. True love comes after many years of living together... arguing... compromising... supporting. I think most long term marriages go through times when neither person feels "in love" with the other. I know in my 22 year marriage there have been times when I disliked my husband. I almost left him several times, and I'm sure he almost left me too.

But when the chips are down, he is always there for me. You don't get that from someone until you have stayed through some tough times. Three years is not enough time to build the loyalty and true love you are looking for.

If you leave now, you will eventually start over with someone else and go through similar difficulties with him.

True love is not romance... it is a partnership.

sunkisses

Don't stay if you're no longer in love with him. It's not fair to anyone. I often hear people say they "stayed for the children" and I have also had the pleasure of talking to many people who were once "the children" parents stayed for. People SERIOUSLY underestimate their children's perceptions. Your kids won't be able to articulate it now, but they will one day. Kids know. And are you modeling the relationship that you hope your children will one day have?

You deserve to have a healthy relationship. Your husband does too. Your children deserve the best of both of you. Don't go tearing out of your family for an immediate divorce, but keep the friendship of your husband and work together to create a healthy environment for your kids - however you have to do that. I'm a firm believer that NO ONE should compromise things that are essential to who they are at their core.

jennimben

Have you sat down with him and had this exact same talk? If not, you should. And probably with a councilor like others have suggested. Or a mediator who can be unbiased, with both of you present and speaking openly and honestly. If you can't speak openly and honestly to save your relationship, then there are issues bigger than strangers can speak to.

Alexstrasza

To answer some questions:

We have talked. We've been talking/arguing all day.

He has gone to counseling his own but flat out refuses couples counseling.

I'm also very much into the idea of natural living. (Like having my own farm, buying only organic, etc.) He does not want that. He wants to live in the city and live the life of a city dweller.

I'm just so confused.

DogsK

Get counseling,if not the both of you then just for yourself.
It sounds as too much as happened too fast for the age you are,that is not an insult just an observation of the facts.
You have to emotionally catch up with all that,the first blush and giddiness of a crush will always settle down so don`t be hasty in deciding you are not in love anymore.

If ultimately it can`t work out where you are happy then no matter what you do your kids will see it,that is life so even at a young age respect them enough to not try to fake something for them.

I hope you can refind what you are missing. :flowerforyou:

Best piece of advice I read so far. Get some counselling

Elizabeth_C34

To answer some questions:

We have talked. We've been talking/arguing all day.

He has gone to counseling his own but flat out refuses couples counseling.

I'm also very much into the idea of natural living. (Like having my own farm, buying only organic, etc.) He does not want that. He wants to live in the city and live the life of a city dweller.

I'm just so confused.

Arguing all day is not having a discussion. You might need to take a day or so to let it go and then come back to it when you're both calm an collected.

Elizabeth_C34

So I should stay with him even though I'm not in love?

If it really would hurt my children to leave maybe that is what's best.

True love is not fallen into. True love comes after many years of living together... arguing... compromising... supporting. I think most long term marriages go through times when neither person feels "in love" with the other. I know in my 22 year marriage there have been times when I disliked my husband. I almost left him several times, and I'm sure he almost left me too.

But when the chips are down, he is always there for me. You don't get that from someone until you have stayed through some tough times. Three years is not enough time to build the loyalty and true love you are looking for.

If you leave now, you will eventually start over with someone else and go through similar difficulties with him.

True love is not romance... it is a partnership.

This is outstanding advice.

eriemer

This is the same advise I give my sister in law who has been in a crap marriage so many problems that I can't even go into.

Instead of talking to everyone else about your marriage and the problems your having in it, you should be communicating with the other person in your marriage. Seeking advise outside of your marriage just shows lack of responsibility and lack of proper communication with your spouse. It you can't discuss it like adults then you should seek out a counseler or therapist to help you discuss this with your spouse. You are both adults, act like it.

Sorry it's harsh but their is nothing worse then airing your marital dirty laudry no matter how slight. This is between you and him, not you and a whole bunch of other ppl.

jcriscuolo

Seek counselling for yourself. Sounds like a real mismatch. If the counselor agrees, move on.

Alexstrasza

This is the same advise I give my sister in law who has been in a crap marriage so many problems that I can't even go into.

Instead of talking to everyone else about your marriage and the problems your having in it, you should be communicating with the other person in your marriage. Seeking advise outside of your marriage just shows lack of responsibility and lack of proper communication with your spouse. It you can't discuss it like adults then you should seek out a counseler or therapist to help you discuss this with your spouse. You are both adults, act like it.

Sorry it's harsh but their is nothing worse then airing your marital dirty laudry no matter how slight. This is between you and him, not you and a whole bunch of other ppl.

I HAVE talked to him. This has happened so many times with us.

I'm not airing dirty laundry. No one here knows me.

I guess I was wrong to ask MFP for advice. It's not like I was going to say "oh that person is so right, I'm going to follow everything they say."

lucythinmint

Bah to everyone who says to work it out. If it has failed it has failed. No reason to hang on to something that is going to make everyone miserable including the children.
Divorce is not for everyone and staying married is not for everyone either.

I divorced my first husband after 3 years and 2 kids. Best decision I ever made. It was miserable for all included and would have done more harm than good to stay together.

Having said that, I am now remarried. And I would not walk away from this marriage no matter what. We have struggles like everyone else. We work very hard to make our marriage continuously grow. BUT, we are both completely and utterly committed to it.
I have been on both sides of knowing its going to end and just deciding when to do and knowing that my marriage is worth more than anything else in this world.

It is up to you to decide where you stand. No one can help you make that decision, you can seek counselling but more so for you since you seem to be the one struggling with your own feelings.

Good luck.

Rae6503

"I love him but I'm not 'in love' with him." What does that mean anyway? Sounds like a line from a movie. I'm not "in love" with my husband 75% of the time either but I love him 100% of the time, and the 25% of the time I'm all giddy "in love" makes it worth it. Marriage is work. You have to work to maintain the "in love" feeling, you have to work to even just get along. You have children with this person. Try to make it work before you give up. Try for a good amount of time. 6 months to a year even.

antoniosmooth

I agree with the first poster and would like to add that you should seek counseling... for yourself as and individual and with your husband for marriage counseling.

A divorce will have a LONG lasting impact on your children. I divorced my first husband when I was 23... I am now 51. My two sons lived with me and struggled with not having a father living with them for many years. My current husband has been wonderful to them, but it is not the same. Both boys are fine now, but their lives would have been different had they grown up in a family with both parents.

I am also a teacher, and see the impact divorce has on children from that perspective. There are some very sad children of divorced parents. If you can work it out with your husband, that would be the best thing for your children as long as there is no abuse in your marriage.

Had I known how much my divorce would impact my children back then, I would have worked harder to save the marriage... Don't get me wrong, my second husband is "the one" for me, but my divorce hurt my children...

Every marriage takes work... the grass is not really greener on the other side. Once the newness wears off, you must make great efforts to keep it going...

Good luck...

Probably the best advice you'll get from random people via the internet!!!

Religion and Spirituality is a very touchy subject, for the record I'm a born again Christian. I understand your religion is very important to you which is why I agree your marriage needs counseling. I'm curious, what is his religion? I have a guess but I don't want to assume. Again I echo the fact your marriage needs counseling in order to survive simply due to the huge guff both of you face in terms of religion.

You can "fall in love" with your husband again (within the confines of counseling) if you desire that loving bond again. A successful marriage takes WORK and ATTENTION from 2 people who are willing to both give, both receive, and both accept. In large part it all depends on how BOTH of you feel about your marriage vows.

jcriscuolo

It's never bad to hear opinions but ultimately you should seek professional advice.
It appears that there are too many areas where there is no common ground.
Marriage is about compromise but there needs to be some foundation and it appears that your only commonality is your children.
Best of luck.

pupcamper

Personally not being 'in love' with someone you 'love' tells me that you need to deal with an issue that has taken the 'shine' out of your relationship, not end it. The two of you need to talk honestly and work things out so you can both be happy, marriages aren't always easy but you work though the bumps in the road together and build/develop a lasting love. You are always going to have issues in a marriage, it isn't fair on either of you to expect to be 'in love' 100% of the time, I don't know any strong, supportive relationship that is.

Unless thare are alot of other stuff you haven't told us, this could easily be a bump in the road! TALK!!!

budhandy

I'm not no where quillifed to answer...I just like the OP pokemon ticker

m60kaf

Never stick with something just because you are afraid to walk away.

Children .. It's unfortunate to split, but I think in the long run children cope with it better than the turmoil of an un-happy marriage.

I agree with people saying stick at it - but, sometimes you just have to know when to move on

Been there - got the T-Shirt

LilRedRooster

Honestly, marriage, or any long-term relationship, is not about being madly in love with someone for the rest of eternity. It's about working around changes, coming to agreements, and being a good partner. Sometimes, that means you're not as passionate, and that love will change with time into something different. Both partners have to be okay with that changing in order for the relationship to continue to work long-term.

I'm not married, but I approach my relationship with my daughter's father as a marriage, in that it's not something that we can just let go without a lot of work from both of us. We have had times where we haven't felt as close, where we haven't seen eye-to-eye, and where we really haven't been "in" love. We've gotten through all that, because we know that our main goal is to take care of our daughter as parents together, and do what we need to make life easier for the other person.

I would seek out counseling, and a third party to hear out the BOTH of you. Asking for advice based on just your side isn't going to give the entire picture, and you would benefit more from a third-party input that knows how to mediate communication between the two of you.

Good luck.

radscorpion

If you're not in love, the answer is obvious to me... A divorce impacts children yes, but unhappy parents is much much more harmful. I would have preferrred two separate, happy parents rather than two miserable ones..

Life is too short to not be happy, I doubt this is just a passing thought you're having and I doubt this is news to your husband! If he is unwilling to change, or even if he is and you truly know deep in your heart that you're unhappy the answer is clear. Don't be afraid to be happy, in a year or two things will have settled and you'll wonder what took you so long and why you hesitated! Things seem so much more 'dramatic' in the now than they do in the future don't forget. Hope this helped, chin up!